


The Other Side of John

by Speechie22



Category: The Man in the High Castle (TV)
Genre: Adultery, Drama & Romance, Erotica, Explicit sexual scenes, F/M, Fair warning- I like my John Smith less fascist more romantic..., Forbidden Love, John/Juliana centric, Novel Length (WIP), Obergrupanna - Freeform, Plot Twists, Redemption, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Star-crossed loverish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2020-02-29 21:10:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 123,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18786274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Speechie22/pseuds/Speechie22
Summary: Imagine if John Smith had found out what Juliana did for he and his family by killing George Dixon? He appears to be a cold hearted Nazi on the front lines, but we’ve seen glimpses into quite a different side of John behind closed doors—a kind, caring father and spouse who is perhaps the ultimate opportunist, seeking to ensure his family’s survival in a fascist-regime America...His only son died...his wife isn’t coping well...what happens when everything he’s worked for, killed for, strived for-suddenly falls apart? Enter Juliana Crain-a woman whose beauty and altruism has cast an enigmatic spell on him during the lowest point in his life. How would Juliana respond to this different side of John, if revealed to her? Their ill-fated lives become intertwined in a most unpredictable and intimate way. Family relationships abound with the Smiths, between John and Juliana, as well as other intriguing character developments, and of course plenty of drama, illicit and otherwise...xoxox





	1. A Safe Place

**Author's Note:**

> This story begins immediately following the scene where Juliana shoots and kills George Dixon in the alley, season 2 episode 10 “Fallout”.

Chapter 1: A Safe Place

 

Juliana ran through the alley, wiping tears across her face. She couldn’t believe she’d actually shot him. Dead. A million thoughts ran through her head and seemed to converge at once, she ran into the first diner she found and tucked herself into a private booth in the back to collect her thoughts...her heart racing.

What had compelled her to kill Dixon? Albeit she had formed a strong bond with the Smith family, particularly Thomas, in a short period of time...but to kill a man for him? Who to trust? She had never truly felt as if she belonged with the Resistance, yet she knew she needed to do something that would make a difference.

Then there were the Smiths. A robotic, eerily charismatic Nazi family who had initially sent chills through her body upon their first meeting...yet, a part of her wondered how loyal they truly were to fascism, underneath their facade. John and Helen were once Americans, who had grown up and even lived a portion of their adult lives in freedom. Surely they couldn’t be that brainwashed, she thought. And in her life experiences it seemed that those who appeared to be trying so hard to play a certain role, seemed to be overcompensating in some way, perhaps a lack of real loyalty. Then again, she could be wrong...before she could get any further in her thoughts the waitress interrupted, asking to take her order.

“What can I get for you today darlin’? Everything ok?”

Juliana quickly nodded, realizing she was breathing quite heavily and looked a bit tattered..wanting to dispel any curious thoughts, she cleverly answered,

“Just a coke and a turkey sandwich, sorry I’m out of breath from trying to catch a bus. I didn’t make it, but it’s not a big deal, I needed to eat. I’ll just get the next one.” Juliana smiled politely and appeared to have quelled any doubts the woman may have had.

She went to the restroom to wash up, still attempting to calm her nerves long enough to devise a logical course of action for herself.

Upon returning to the table, she sat down and drank the entire coke, hastily wrapping up the sandwich and stuffing it into her coat pockets. She tossed some money on the table and headed for the door. She ran square into her waitress, as she walked with her head facing downwards.

“Sorry I’ve got to run, the next bus is coming. I left money on the table. Thank you.”

The woman nodded but seemed concerned. Juliana hoped she didn’t raise too much suspicion, but she had too many other vital decisions on her mind to worry too long about it.

Almost within the instant she exited the diner and rounded the corner, a resistance member came up behind her. She felt the unmistakable solidness of a gun against her back, carefully undisclosed.

He whispered into her left ear, “Act normal, don’t make one false move or you and your parents will all be killed”

“I’ve done everything you people have asked me to do. I want out.”


	2. SS Headquarters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just when John Smith though Juliana was out of his life...

The man gruffly directed her into an alley way, only to be immediately greeted by two SS officers, who immediately stabbed them with needles and quickly shoved their collapsing bodies into the back of a vehicle which had just pulled up.

                           ******

Juliana slowly blinked as she attempted to orient herself. Make no mistake, she was in what appeared to be the same interrogation room at the Nazi Headquarters where she was questioned when she had sought asylum in the Reich.

Erich Raeder abruptly entered the room, as he had before.

“Ah, Miss Mills, here we are again. _So soon_. You’ve been busy. Care to fill us in on what you’ve been up to lately?” he asked with an arrogant tone.

Juliana slowly nodded, still groggy from the drugs.

“If possible, may I speak with John Smith?”

Erich scoffed, “If you’re referring to Obergruppenfuher Smith, he’s a very busy man, as I’m sure you already know. I suggest you tell us everything and everyone you’ve been in contact with in the last week. Spare no details.”

He sifted through his papers. “I’m afraid the Reich’s congeniality with you is wearing thin, Miss Mills. Your cooperation will dictate how merciful we choose to be.”

“I understand. At this time he is the only one I choose to speak with,” she stated plainly. 

Annoyed at her stubbornness, he closed his file and got up to leave.

“Very well, good day Miss Mills.”

                         ******

John Smith had just finished having a conversation with his son that no father ever wants to have.

The fear he saw in his son’s eyes was heartbreaking. The anger and palpable hatred he saw growing in his wife’s eyes was equaling disturbing. Didn’t she know that he _had done_ and would do anything to spare his family?

He had disclosed to her about his brother’s genetic condition before they married and chose to start a family. Who could’ve predicted that the U.S. would be conquered by Nazis and forced to adhere to their fascist ideologies?

The phone rang, informing him of a situation with Chief Inspector Kido. He grabbed his coat and hat and was out the door, leaving behind a wife and son, both with tear-stained cheeks.

                          ******

John no sooner set his things in his office and he was confronted with Erich Raeder.

“Obergruppenfuher Smith, my apologies for being so hasty, but I want to inform you that we’ve arrested Julia Mills and another resistance member. She’s refused to speak with us until she’s met with you. I know you have other pressing matters. Should I commence with phase one of interrogation proceedings at this time?”

John immediately shook his head. He knew exactly what that would mean for Juliana. And while he didn’t have any particular reason to be merciful to her, he remembered the surveillance footage of she and Thomas and how she was kind to him.

“That won’t be necessary Erich. Thank you. I’ll meet with her as soon as I finish up speaking with Inspector Kido.”

“As you wish sir. I’ll wait for your order.” With that he clicked his heels, saluted and left.

John rubbed his temples and attempted to quell a brewing migraine. He took a final sip of coffee, straightened his coat and left his office.

                          ******

After meeting with Kido, he was completely panicked and anxious, although outwardly his demeanor was calm and collected, _as normal_.

He walked briskly into the surveillance room and asked for the footage in Juliana’s room to be turned off.

“Julia, to what do I owe the pleasure? I wasn’t sure when or if I would see you again. Alive, anyway. I daresay I can’t seem to predict what your next move will be. Just when I seem to have you figured out, you amaze me with contradictions.”

“John, you have to believe me on this. I’m not a resistance member. From the beginning, I’ve simply tried to figure out what happened to my sister and what compelled her to join the resistance. One thing has lead to another. I was confronted and coerced by the resistance almost immediately after you set me up in my apartment. The person who you and your family have come to know is the _real me_. No facade. No pretenses. Even though they told me I needed to cooperate with them, I kept putting them off because I didn’t want to do anything that would bring harm to you or the kids.”

John smirked.

“It’s a touching speech Miss Mills. But tell me why on earth I should believe that you would care so much for a family whom you’ve just met. Who you owe _nothing_ to. I’d love to believe that you’re that altruistic, but logic and life experience tells me otherwise.”

“Believe what you want. I’ve seen enough death and cruelty in my life, I can’t take anymore of it. I have truly enjoyed getting to know your family. It reminded me of what I imagined, well fantasized, most American families were like before the war. It was refreshing.”  

She went on, “Did they tell you that I killed George Dixon?”

John gave her a slightly puzzled look. “Miss Mills, I would be very careful about the sort of information you divulge to me. It could have you killed, whether it is by my command or not.”

She nodded her head in agreement.

“Based on the information you’ve given me so far, I will grant you a temporary release unless further investigation disproves my belief in your moralities. You will stay in my home, with my family at this time until further notice. You are not to leave my house under any circumstances, do you understand?”

“Yes John, I understand. Thank you for your kindness.”

“I’m not _kind_ , but your naivety is refreshing. I rarely do anything without requiring something in return. A concept I know you’re familiar with.”


	3. Family Matters

The car pulled up outside the Smith residence and Juliana slowly approached the door. Many thoughts raced through her head, but the singular one which kept gnawing at her was how to approach Helen regarding Lucy Collins’ abduction. She knew that they were close friends. How much had John shared with her, how much was she allowed to share with Helen?

Jennifer greeted her at the door with a hug before she could knock.

“Hi Julia, please come on in. My mother is upstairs right now, she isn’t feeling too well. But father called and said you were on your way and to show you to your room so you could settle in.”

“Yes thank you so much sweetheart. I’ve missed you all, how have you been?” She meant what she said with full sincerity, she had really missed them.

“We’ve been alright.”

She paused, realizing she needed someone to talk to and Julia seemed like a reliable confidante. “Well...honestly, mother and father haven’t been getting along too well and Thomas has been acting a bit strange, looking at all of us so oddly, as if he’s never seen us before or perhaps will never see us again...with a faraway look in his eyes. Then father said he would be going to Berlin for a few days. Oh Julia, I hope everything is ok.”

She hugged Juliana with what seemed like a mix of both affection and fear and she felt sorry for her. She was just old enough to know that everything wasn’t quite right but was kept in the dark and told to carry on with a brave face and act as if all was well.

Juliana returned Jennifer’s unreserved affection and embraced her warmly.

“I’m not sure what’s going on either, to be honest. The last few days have been a whirlwind for me. I _do_ know that I’m so happy to be here with you all though. I guess we can figure out the rest together and get through today,” she said softly. 

Jennifer nodded her head and wiped away a small tear that had formed in the corner of her eye.

If this was the biggest crisis she had to confront today, Juliana thought to herself, it would be a good day. Lord knows, much better than _most_ of the days before it.

Jennifer led her to the guest room, which was so clean and bright it made all of the other rooms she had slept in her whole life seem so remarkably dingy and down trodden.

She could get used to this.

                            ******

Thomas was at a Hitler Youth meeting and the girls were both in their rooms doing homework when Helen finally emerged from upstairs a few hours later, looking as if she had aged five years since the last time Juliana had seen her.

“Julia, forgive me, I was not at all feeling well and needed to rest. I trust the girls have shown you your room and helped you get settled?”

She walked over to give Juliana a light embrace. Juliana detected the undeniable smell of hard liquor on her breath.

“Yes they did, they’ve been perfect hostesses. My room is lovely, thank you so much for your hospitality. Please don’t go out of your way for me, I don’t want to burden you. I can help out in any way you need.”

Helen nodded, still attempting to keep up appearances, “Of course we will go out of our way, but it’s no trouble. Make yourself at home, please.”

She held a glance with her for an awkward amount of time, adding to Juliana’s uneasiness  to say the least.

She wished she could read Helen better. She always left every interaction with her feeling conflicted. At times she felt close with her, such as the time she’d asked for her silent cooperation after witnessing Thomas’ near collapse at Adler’s funeral. Juliana knew, or at least strongly suspected that Helen had kept that information from John, and it felt good to know that she was supporting her. Then, at other times, _presently_ , she seemed to feel resentment and jealousy brewing.

At any rate, she would lie low, do whatever seemed pleasing to Helen, and wait for things to unfold.

“Sorry you weren’t feeling well, are you better now?”

“Not great, but much improved, thank you.”

Juliana dared not pry, although she had a million questions she was dying to ask. In due time, she thought to herself as she smiled at Helen.

                          ******

After the best nights sleep she had gotten since she could remember, Juliana rose from bed, dressed, and walked out to the kitchen where she found a table filled with bacon, eggs, pancakes, toast, and fresh fruit.

It smelled like heaven.

The girls were at the table, already finishing up their meals. Helen was pouring a cup of coffee.

“Good morning Julia, hope you slept well. Coffee?”

“Yes and yes please. This is quite a spread, I feel like a queen. Thank you so much.”

And she did. She couldn’t remember having a breakfast like this. Ever.

“Glad to hear it. Pull up a chair dear and grab a plate. The kids are about to head off to school and then we can have some private time, just us.”

Juliana smiled politely, yet nervously. The kids were a nice buffer, she wasn’t sure how things would go with them one on one.

“That will be great Helen. Where’s Thomas?”

“That’s a good question. His school starts a little later than the girls, but he should be down here by now. I’ll go check on him. Will you excuse me please?”

In the next moment, she overheard Jennifer telling Helen that Thomas was acting strange.

A knock at the door.

She heard Thomas’ voice mingled with Helens’ and a man in uniform at the door.

Seconds later, a blood curdling scream emerged from Helen.

Juliana ran to the window and saw Thomas being escorted into a government vehicle.

“Thomas, _stay with me, stay with me!”_ Helen shouted hysterically _..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s taking a bit to heat up, bear with me!!


	4. There’s no place like home...

Juliana sat back at the table, completely stunned by what she’d just witnessed.

Just when she thought her life was feeling safer and more secure, another roadblock left her speechless.

Helen came back in the house, both girls walking alongside her, crying, questioning her, supremely dumbfounded and confused by what had transpired.

As soon as Juliana walked towards her, she saw Helen’s eyes roll back in her head as she fainted into her arms.

“Girls, help me get your mom to the couch. Jennifer, can you get a cool washcloth for her forehead?”

They led Helen to the couch. After a moment or so, her eyes fluttered open again after they laid the washcloth on her.”

“Mom, mom what happened to Thomas, why did they take him away, what’s going on?!” Jennifer demanded to know, unwilling to be kept in the dark anymore.

Juliana could see that Helen herself still hadn’t processed what had happened, so she interjected—

“I think your mother is still trying to figure it out as well, maybe get her something to eat and give her a minute girls,” Juliana said gently.

“That’s alright Julia, but thank you. They need to know what happened to their brother. I’m done keeping secrets. Girls, please come sit beside me.”

Juliana quietly excused herself, knowing it would be a difficult and intimate conversation, one that a non-family member shouldn’t really be privy to.

She attempted to busy herself with tasks in the laundry room.

While she was folding linens, the phone rang in the living room. She heard Helen ask Jennifer to turn the T.V. on quickly.

Sensing the urgency in the air, she walked in to see what they were tuning in to see. It was John, standing at the podium in the Volkshalle giving a speech.

You could hear a pin drop in the room.

Helen stared blankly at the T.V. and told her that they had uncovered a conspiracy in the Reich and that John had blown the whistle on it to Himmler.

Helen scoffed, sarcastically saying, “Looks like he’s been a good little Nazi. Can’t wait to see what kind of promotion is in store for him.”

She walked over to the liquor decanter and poured herself some bourbon.

Juliana glanced at the girls, still fixated on their father on the T.V. screen, she was glad that they didn’t appear to have heard Helen’s remark.

She appeared to be coming more unhinged with each passing minute.

Would things get even darker if she got drunk? She didn’t dare suggest that she lie down or rest. Juliana most definitely did not want to be on the receiving end of that metaphorically loaded gun.

“Helen, what can I do to help? I can occupy the girls for you if you’d like, give you some time to yourself?” Juliana suggested softly.

“I can handle this. I can look after my girls, thank you but we are fine,” she stated plainly.

“Alright. If you need me, don’t hesitate. I’ll be in my room.”

Juliana laid on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. She was a doer, a fixer, not one who liked to sit by and observe with her hands tied behind her back. But she knew better in this situation.

It wasn’t long before she heard a soft knock on the door. Both girls shyly walked in the room as she opened the door.

After a period of brief counseling, Juliana was too nervous to get into any in-depth conversations with them, she suggested a game of monopoly on the patio as a nice diversion. She was happy they agreed.

Juliana made the girls lunch and they played board games for the remainder of the afternoon, pleased that she was able to somewhat lighten their moods, even if only briefly.

Helen confined herself to the bedroom and hadn’t checked in on them the entire time.

Juliana followed the girls eyes to where they glanced inside the house, “Daddy!”

They ran over to John and he was quickly covered in hugs. They embraced him for what seemed like five minutes and he lovingly kissed the tops of their heads as they broke away.

John looked over at Juliana and the lunch plates and board games which surrounded her.

He grinned and said, “Looks like you’ve done well keeping the girls entertained. I’m guessing Helen is resting?”

Julianna smiled back, “I tried my best to give them a distraction, give Helen time to process everything. John, I’m so sorry about Thomas. I don’t know what to say.”

John glanced down at his feet and allowed himself a moment of vulnerability.

“That makes two of us, Juliana. Thank you. I’m going to go check on Helen, excuse me please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience, I’m excited to delve into more relationship development with these characters in the next few chapters now that John is back!! 
> 
> I would love any feedback or comments guys, let me know what you think so far!! Thanks ;-)


	5. A New Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juliana and John start to see each other with new eyes in this chapter, enjoy;)

Juliana was tidying up the living room when John came downstairs a few hours later. It was nearly 6:00 pm.

“I appreciate that, thank you. It’s been quite a trying day for my family, as you know. Helen is really not doing very well with all of this,” he sighed as he sat down on the couch beside her.

He continued, “Tell me why you killed George Dixon.”

She was tired of the charade and decided to omit nothing, she felt as though she was becoming closer to the Smiths each day.

Surely honesty would count for _something_ here.

“I had watched one of the films. There was a man who looked very familiar to me, but I couldn’t place him. Not long after that, I was looking through a family photo album and saw him. My mother told me he was my sister Trudy’s father. _George Dixon_.”

She continued her story, telling him of how the resistance had threatened her, backed her into a corner with Henry and Lucy Collins. How they had wired her apartment and knew that Thomas was sick and wanted to use the information to have the Smiths killed. How they turned on her, trying to kill her.

She was shaking by the end of it. John had interrogated enough people in his life to be an excellent judge of honesty. He knew she was being truthful.

Her eyes were filling with tears and she lowered her head.

John gently lifted her chin with his fingers and looked into her eyes, instantly revealing a side of himself that he kept extremely well concealed to most people, sometimes even Helen.

It was fleeting though, and he remembered himself and looked away a moment before glancing back at her.

“I believe you, Juliana. I don’t fully comprehend why you cared enough to do that, but I do want to believe that people still look out for one another.”

She shifted her gaze around his entire face, desperately searching for signs of deceit, but she found none. He looked the part of someone whose heart seemed burdened with a great moral defeat, and it was.

She finally spoke. 

“John, although I knew you had ulterior motives for taking me under your protection, I was, and continue to be, grateful for you offering me asylum and protection, for whatever it was worth. I saw goodness in Thomas, in Helen, the girls. Whether or not it was all a complete act, I wasn’t sure, but nonetheless I had convinced myself that it wasn’t. I had felt betrayed by the resistance, although I was never truly one of them, but I had never been openly betrayed by you or your family. So when Dixon threatened to basically send you all to your deaths, I felt compelled to stop that from happening. I acted on impulse, followed my heart. I don’t know if that makes me a complete fool, but at some point you have to believe in somebody.”

He cleared his throat, “No, it makes sense. I recently heard similar words from an old friend of mine who served with me during the war. He couldn’t wear the mask any longer, even if it meant his death. He remembered who he was.”

He had a faraway look in his eyes and she noticed him staring beyond her, to someplace in his mind that he rarely allowed himself to travel...

Then he quickly looked at her and attempted to ask the _second_ question which he had been wondering.

He lowered his voice considerably, “Did you witness the incident with Thomas at Dr. Adler’s funeral?”

His eyes returned to their normal pensive, intimidating feel and she remembered what he was capable of.

She nodded coyly.

“Did Helen speak with you, around the time it occurred?”

She felt a pit in her stomach. How should she handle it? No option seemed favorable, so she again fell back to honesty and hoped it was the right choice.

“Yes. He had almost collapsed in my arms and she came up to us, just as it was happening. She later told me, after we finished up dinner here one night, that I should keep what I’d seen to myself.”

There it was. Hopefully the truth would set her free.

He shook his head to himself as he looked down.

“I suspected as much. Thank you for your honesty.”

He looked at the clock and realized dinner hadn’t been prepared. He twisted his mouth off to one side, “I don’t suppose I could talk you into rustling up some dinner? I don’t know how long Helen will need to return to her home making duties, any help would be greatly appreciated.”

She smiled softly, enjoying this new side of John being revealed today. She wasn’t sure how long it would last, so she would soak up every drop.

“Absolutely. I will get to it straight away. If you could write down anything you need, maybe the girls schedule so I can help with school or extracurricular activities, I can help in any way.”

He returned a small smile, “Wonderful, thank you.”

He, too, wasn’t sure what he thought about Juliana staying under his roof, sharing family secrets, being involved in such an intimate way in _his_ life. In _their_ lives. But his cup wasn’t necessarily running over at present.

Juliana actually seemed like a godsend in some ways. With Helen being indisposed and unpredictable, he needed some support, she seemed as good as any.

Still, he was so accustomed to having a tight bond with only a few select people, it was equally unnerving and perplexing.

 

                            ******

 

Juliana managed to scramble up a decent dinner on short notice. She wasn’t much of a cook, but she tried her best.

She noticed the girls seemed to be pushing their food around their plates slowly. John blinked a few times and looked at Juliana with a kindness in his eyes, “It doesn’t seem any of us have much of any appetite, given today’s events. I’m sorry.”

He glared at the girls, who quickly remembered their manners and said, almost in unison, “Thanks for making dinner Julia, it was good.”

John nodded at them and mustered a smile of approval.

The girls were excused and sent upstairs to bed. Juliana cleared the plates and began to clean up.

“I can help with that. You’re not our maid you know. Which reminds me, she’s been on vacation since last week and should be returning on Wednesday. Her name is Martha, an older woman, very nice. You’ll like her.”

Juliana nodded, she was washing dishes already when he approached the sink.

“Tell you what, you wash, I’ll dry,” he offered.

“Deal,” she said with a smile.

Given the gravity of the days’ events, she had found herself smiling several times in the last hour. Had he _always_ been so approachable?

She didn’t think so...

What was he wanting from her? She couldn’t piece it together, but she would enjoy it as long as it lasted.

Her hand brushed his as she handed him a clean, wet plate.

She felt a brief flutter.

He seemed to pause for a second, she didn’t dare look at him. There was something oddly personal and intimate about doing the dishes together.

“I can’t remember doing this since I was a kid,” he said.

“I was thinking the same thing. I gave my mom such a hard time about it. My sister and I would fight over whose turn it was to do what, so silly when I think of it,” she said.

“It was the same with my brother and I. We would fight like crazy but I couldn’t imagine not having him in my life. Now I have to go through this all over again.”

He set the fork down that he had in his hand.

“Excuse me a moment please.”

He walked into the living room and sat down on the couch, his back facing her. She could see him running his hands though his hair.

She finished up the dishes and the rest of the kitchen and walked toward the couch. He was looking through a photo album, tears streaming down his face.

She dared to put her hand to his shoulder from behind the couch, he quickly turned around to her.

“John, do you want to talk?”

 _No answer._  

She walked around to the other couch across from him and slowly sat down.

After a few minutes, he collected himself and spoke.

“My dear brother had the same affliction as Thomas. I had _no_ idea it would be passed down to one of our children or Helen and I would never have had kids. This is my fault.”

He shook his head in a moment of self-loathing and looked away from her.

“No, John you can’t blame yourself. How could you have known we would lose the war and be under Nazi regime? Thomas was perfect just the way he was. He was a kind, beautiful boy. We all make the best choices we can at the time we make them, no one has a crystal ball.”

He was staring into oblivion. She wasn’t sure if he had processed any of her words.

“I need to check on Helen. Goodnight Juliana.” He rose from the couch and walked away suddenly. Resolutely. 

“Goodnight John,” she said softly.

Had she said the right things? Had her words comforted him in any way?

She quietly headed to her room and closed the door, wondering what tommorrow would bring.


	6. A different kind of girl

When John walked in the bedroom, he found Helen asleep on the bed, still fully clothed. He glanced to the nightstand and saw the decanter next to an empty glass.

She had had drinking binges in the past and thankfully they only lasted a month or so, but those had been triggered by seemingly trivial life events compared to what had transpired yesterday.

He was worried.

Worried for her, worried for the girls, worried for his newly acquired promotion in the Reich.

He hadn’t even stopped for a moment to begin to process, much less mourn, the loss of his son.

A son who he had _killed_ an innocent man for.

A good doctor. A family friend.

A son who he had made so many nameless sacrifices for these last 16 years.

A son who was irreplaceable.

No time for that now, I have to keep going, keep the ship afloat, or else everything I’ve done will be in vain.

He changed into his nightclothes and slipped quietly into his side of the bed, careful to not awaken Helen.

As he lay there, he thought of Juliana and how to proceed with that situation. It wasn’t safe to cast her out of his house, they still hadn’t gotten far enough in their interrogations with the resistance member the SS officers had arrested.

Yet, it wasn’t entirely appropriate that she stay with them for much longer. A young, single female whose looks would attract too much speculation, whose ideas and past behaviors were questionable.

Still, she hadn’t truly done anything wrong in her time there in the Reich. As for he and his family, she had only shown kindness. She could truly prove helpful to the family in the next few weeks as they adjust to their new lives.

For reasons which he didn’t care to ask himself, he felt compelled to keep her there with them for the time being, to keep her safe.

He felt his eyes growing heavy from the sleeping pill he’d taken to ensure he slept that night.

Not giving it another thought, he rolled over and fell asleep.

 

                              ******  
  


John awoke to the smell of what he thought was burned bacon. He looked over to see if Helen was awake, she wasn’t.

He slipped on his robe and walked downstairs, pleased to hear his girls and Juliana all giggling as he walked into the kitchen.

“What’s all this giggling I’m hearing?” he said, almost playfully.

Juliana had opened a window to let the smoke out and was peeling burned bacon out of a frying pan.

She looked at John and smiled.

“I’m really a horrible cook, but I want to get better. Sorry I burned your bacon.”

He returned the smile warmly, “Nonsense, I’m sure you’re a fine cook. Maybe just need a little fine tuning. I’m sure Helen and Martha can give you some tips.”

“I’m afraid I’ll need more than tips, I’m thinking full lessons,” she giggled again.

John saw a glimpse of what he was sure must have attracted Joe Blake to her.

Something so real and raw, no pretenses. She wasn’t trying to be flirtatious in the least, perhaps that was what made her appealing. She was a lovely mix of coyness and femininity, all at once, he thought.

“Well we _appreciate_ your attempts all the same. Girls, I’m afraid your lessons will have to be rescheduled for a different afternoon. I have meetings all day and your mother needs to rest some more. She isn’t feeling up to the normal after school chaos.”

Amy frowned. “But daddy, my recital is in two weeks, I really can’t miss piano.”

Juliana interjected, “John, it’s no trouble for me to take her, please let me help.”

“I appreciate the offer, but it simply isn’t safe for you or for Amy to have you out of the house until we are able to shake down the remaining resistance cells in the area.”

Juliana lowered her head and nodded. She hated to not help, but understood.

The girls gathered their book bags and headed toward the door. John called them back over to where he sat at the table and drew them in close to him.

“Girls, I want you to know that your mother and I love you both _so very much_. We’re going to get through this, together. If you want to talk about anything, we’re here for you. I know what you saw happen with Thomas was very frightening. I wish more than anything you didn’t have to see that. Try to do your best and focus on school.”

They nodded their heads and proceeded with a group hug.

Juliana was touched. He really did seem to be a very loving, kind father and it warmed her heart.

He didn’t seem capable of the things she knew he had done. She didn’t want to believe any of it.

She realized she had been holding her breath and remembered to inhale.

He looked over to Juliana as soon as the girls were out of sight.

He sighed, “Do me a favor, please check on Helen in a bit. Make sure she isn’t alone all day, I’m worried about her.”

Juliana nodded reassuringly, “Of course John.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter was a bit short, trying to set the stage a little!


	7. Trail of Tears

John hadn’t realized he was running a few minutes behind until he glanced at his watch upon entering SS headquarters and had missed the first portion of the morning meeting.

He knew Erich would fill him in, thankfully. He appreciated his loyalty, especially during these dark times.

After the meeting, the two were able to catch up.

“Oberst-Gruppenfuher, good morning. How are things going at home?”

“Good morning Erich. About as well as you might imagine. It was quite a shock to all of us and we’re still adjusting, which may take awhile I’m afraid. Have you made any progress with your interrogations?”

Erich nodded, “Yes sir, with the intel we’ve received from him, we’ve actually uncovered two significant locations where they conduct business exchanges and successfully eliminated five members. I don’t think we will be able to extract much more from him, his health is failing.”

“Hmm, I see. Very good Erich, I will see to it that your efforts will be rewarded. Thank you. No more questioning is warranted at this point. I would like to meet with our friend personally before the week’s end. Please see to it that he is fed and handled properly. I would hate for him to die before I’ve had a chance to speak with him.”

“Yes sir. If I may ask, sir, why is Julia Mills being detained at your home?”, he asked carefully, hoping he wasn’t overstepping his boundaries but unable to fully restrain his curiosity.

John wasn’t sure if he appreciated Erich’s candor.

He hesitated a moment.

If he didn’t answer, that would appear too suspicious. He cleared his throat and ventured a believable excuse.

“After extensive questioning, I felt that she was in a compromising position. She is not, and has never been, a member of the resistance. Some unfortunate life events thrust her into a dangerous situation and her life is in danger. She will remain a guest in my home until the resistance cells have been successfully eliminated and I deem it safe for her to return to her apartment.”

John hoped he had successfully satisfied any questions he had had.

Erich slowly nodded but didn’t appear fully convinced.

“I see. Thank your sir for enlightening me. I assume she will be attending Thomas’ memorial service on Saturday?”

“I haven’t really given it much thought, I suppose she will. Is there anything else Erich? I need to call and check on Helen.” He was beginning to feel annoyed. 

“No sir, Heil Himmler.” He clicked his boots and left John’s office.

His phone conversation with Helen was cold and flat, as her tone had been since his return from Berlin three days ago. He understood why, but he was desperately hoping for her support as a spouse and friend...beginning to tire of her iciness.

 

                           ******  
  
  
After Thomas’ memorial service, Helen immediately left John’s side and called a taxi to take her home.

John had barely survived the nauseating idolatry he witnessed for his son’s martyrdom himself. It was beyond difficult and disturbing to witness and it took all of his strength to stomach it, but he had.

She felt no particular obligation to continue the charade, so she left the first moment she could.

Juliana had stayed home. She didn’t want to bring any more scrutiny to the Smith family than they would be getting already, so she politely declined.

She was sitting on the back patio reading when she heard the front door slam shut.

She caught a glimpse of Helen stomping up the staircase furiously. Suddenly she wished she could somehow disappear. Helen had been extremely distant and cold and she didn’t dare place herself in the crossfire.

She heard a pill bottle vigorously shaking out pills. Out of her concern for John and the girls, she dared to approach her bedroom, although she was fearful as she knocked on the door.

“Helen, is everything alright. Do you want to talk?”, she pleaded.

After about a minute, Helen briskly opened the door and glared at her

“No, everything isn’t _alright_. Do you have even the slightest concept of what I’m going through right now? Every mother’s worst nightmare happened to me and I feel 100% powerless against it. I wouldn’t expect you to understand Juliana.”

Juliana stood there, her mouth slightly agape, utterly speechless and completely uncomfortable at her use of her real name.

She was unbelievably thankful that the front door had just opened and John was coming up the stairs, quite rapidly.

“Helen, what’s going on here? You made a spectacle by leaving so abruptly,” he said with a frustrated tone which he couldn’t disguise.

Juliana quickly proceeded to head downstairs.

Helen threw him an icy stare.

“What’s going on is that your dutiful Nazi wife is DONE. I’m not going to standby and watch my daughters be euthanized. Sorry for my spectacle, I guess you’ll have to add that to the list of things you need to apologize for concerning your wife. Don’t worry John, you’ll be rid of me and free to play house with Juliana, I’m going to my parents’ house.  _Alone_.”

“Helen, you’re being completely irrational. We’ve all suffered a great loss, we will get through this, _please_ have faith in me.”

“John, I’m done placing my faith in you. And you’re wrong, I won’t get through this. Things will never be the same again. Don’t try to talk me out of this, my mind is made up.”

She grabbed a suitcase from the closet and began crazily tossing clothes into it.

John still stood in the doorway, attempting to collect his thoughts, completely stunned by his wife’s totally uncharacteristic behavior. Unable to verbalize any coherent thoughts.

As she walked past him with her suitcase, he grabbed her wrist.

“Helen, I know you resent me and are hurting right now, but how can you do this to your girls? They love you so much, _we_ love you so much,” he corrected himself.

“I can’t be a mother to them right now John, can’t you see that? I’ve been falling apart in front of your eyes and you have your head in the sand. Goodbye John,” she said coldly, as she walked downstairs and out the door.”

John stared down from the top of the staircase, paralyzed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John is really in a predicament now...


	8. A Soft Landing

John slowly descended the stairs and walked over to the living room couch to sit down, his mind reeling with confusion, hurt, anger.

The girls, who had been in their rooms during their parents’ argument, had gone into Juliana’s room to see if she knew what had happened.

She had overheard most of the conversation between Helen and John, but she knew it wasn’t her place to tell them.

She told them it was best to work on their homework while she spoke with their father.

Juliana approached John with her head down, quietly, and sat beside him.

“John, it seems I’ve disturbed the harmony in your home in some way, I feel absolutely horrible. I thoroughly appreciate all that you’ve done, but I can’t stay here knowing I’m bringing problems to your family.”

John immediately shook his head.

“No, that’s definitely not the case. Helen and I have had a strain on our marriage for quite some time now, a truly unfortunate consequence of keeping up the kind of appearances that come with my career. We’ve had more of a business relationship than a marriage, sadly. This tragedy with Thomas has possibly been the final blow, I’m not sure how much more we can sustain. Your being here did not affect the choices she’s made.”

He looked at her wearily, “As I said before, I won’t have you leave here until I feel it’s completely safe. Besides, you seem to be keeping the girls happy, well, all of us. I’m very grateful.”

He surprised himself with his level of frankness with her.

The last week had been one of the most stressful, emotionally and mentally, of his life. Maybe for that reason alone, he felt compelled to be honest with her, but he wasn’t like that with many people.

Something about her seemed to prompt him to be a better man, he thought curiously. The old John, who he tried so hard to consistently shut down, now seemed to be begging for redemption.

Juliana initially looked down shyly, but then suddenly grabbed both his hands to hold in her own.

With this advance of tenderness, his gaze met hers and locked for several seconds.

“I’m glad to bring some happiness to all of you. I’ve been happy here as well.”

She felt her stomach flutter again, as she noticed how green and lovely his eyes were, for the first time.

If not for Amy coming out of her room and down the hall, they both seemed to want to stay in that moment for awhile. They quickly separated as she walked towards them.

Juliana politely excused herself to allow John to discuss Helen’s departure with the girls.

He told them she most likely would return in a few weeks, but she needed to have some time to herself... _hoping_  he was right.

  
                          *****

Over the next few days, John immersed himself entirely in his work.

Juliana continued to make herself useful in whatever ways she could around the house. Packing school lunches, overseeing piano practice, home making tasks.

Martha returned from her vacation and did most of the housework. Juliana felt as though Martha didn’t like her, it was obvious with the way she cut her eyes at her and was fairly abrupt during their exchanges. Ah well, not something to worry herself about, she thought.

John and Juliana hadn’t seen much of one another, but after the girls were in bed one night, he offered for her to join him in having a glass of wine.

She accepted the offer almost immediately, and with a bit too much enthusiasm, she thought to herself afterward.

She sat down on the couch beside him. “So tell me Juliana, what sort of girl were you, growing up? Full of mischief and creativity, no doubt.”

She offered him a coy look. “Yes, I was. I was often bored at school. The work was too easy and I would drift off into daydreams, then get myself in trouble for not paying attention.”

“That sounds about right”, he laughed softly.

He found himself looking at her in a flirtatious manner, but he couldn’t bring himself to curb it.

She continued, “I always fantasized about life in a free America. What was it like, to be a teenager and young man in America back then? Was it just wonderful?”

Noticing she had finished her glass, he grabbed the wine bottle to pour her some more.

He nodded, “Yes, it really was. People could live where they wanted, work where they wanted, marry who they wanted, worship how they wanted, it was truly wonderful. No eugenics policy, no big brother watching over every move you make. Those were truly the glory days Juliana. I’m sorry that you didn’t really get to experience that, as a young adult especially.”

“Me too,” she said sadly. “I remember when I was 13 or 14, wishing for a tall, handsome knight in shining armor to rescue me. To take me away to a place where I could truly be free.”

He noticed she had a distant gleam in her eyes as she smiled and looked away.

“Speaking of which, did you have a, uh, significant other back in the Pacific States that looked after you?”

He cleared his throat, a bit awkwardly. “Sorry for being so straightforward, but I find it hard to believe you weren’t married.”

He knew he was crossing a bit of a line, but he didn’t seem to care as he poured himself another glass of wine and sank back into the couch.

Juliana was somewhat worried about how to best answer him, unsure if he was asking for data collection purposes or as a potential lover. She guessed it was the latter, and smiled to herself, but it wasn’t safe to assume.

“Why John, that’s quite a leading question. I’m not sure how to answer you,” she said playfully.

His face looked serious though, which served to further cast doubt on his intentions.

“The truth is always the best way to answer, with _me_ especially, you should know that much by now Juliana.”

He felt the need to bring some levity, so he added, ”I need to know if you found your knight in shining armor”...

She felt a pit growing in her stomach.

No doubt about it, she’d felt this way before. That unmistakable feeling of sexual tension, flirtatious banter. She was enjoying herself, and he was as well, she could tell. 

“I did have a boyfriend, but I’m not sure I would call him my knight in shining armor. He’s a good man, loyal, a hard worker, he loved me very much.”

John scrunched his face a moment. “He sounds more like a golden retriever than a lover.”

“You make a good point,” she paused, then continued, “We went through a lot together, things that bond a couple.”

“Ah, I see. And what of Joe Blake? He seemed to be taken by you. Did you feel the same way about him?”

She finished the last bit of her wine and set the glass down, then said with a smile, “I think it’s time I turn in John.”

He frowned at her, in a playful way. “Alright, you win. I won’t push you. On a different note, is your room adequate? Need anything?”

“It’s lovely John, I have everything I need, but thank you so much.”

Feeling emboldened after her wine, she thanked him with a hug, which he reciprocated warmly.

The attraction was palpable, they both felt it.

She pulled away and got up to leave. “Thanks for the wine and good company John, good night.”

“Yes, goodnight Juliana. Sleep well.”

He hadn't wanted the moment to end, her hair had smelled so nice, he had enjoyed the feeling of her breasts, small but firm, against his chest.

His eyes followed her as she walked down the hall towards her room. He told himself it was for the best. He had had a trying experience with Helen and was in a vulnerable state.

He resolved to shake off his growing attraction for Juliana, attempt to discipline his mind and focus on cracking down the resistance so she could return to her apartment.

Things were getting perhaps a little too comfortable with her in the last week. After all, he _was_ a married man, he thought, as he shut off the lamp and walked upstairs.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoyed writing this chapter! Things are moving a bit slow between them, but I’m trying to keep it believeable:-). Let me know what you think!


	9. Saturday Social

John walked into the kitchen the next morning to find Juliana braiding Amy’s hair while Jennifer cleared the breakfast plates.

It was a familiar scene for sure, one he had seen countless times with Helen and the girls. But Helen had lost her playfulness with them long ago. He had grown accustomed to not seeing that side of her anymore, but now but watching Juliana with them, laughing and acting lighthearted, made him mourn the loss of how his Helen once was, before the burdens of motherhood and maintaining her role in the community had beleaguered her.

He blamed himself for not attending to her more, not helping her in her parenting duties due to his long work shifts. Forgetting to get her flowers and all those things that keep a marriage strong.

However, she’d stopped doing those things as well, he thought to himself, almost defensively.

They had both spent so much time keeping up appearances that they’d lost themselves somewhere in it all.

Jennifer interrupted his thoughts abruptly, “Daddy, can Julia chaperone for the Saturday social at my school this week? Mom had volunteered to do it. Also, I need to get a new dress. May she take me shopping?” she pleaded.

“I’m not sure about that young lady, you know it’s best for Julia to remain at the house.”

“ _Please_ daddy, just think about it?”

“Oh alright, we’ll see. It’s time you left for school now dear, you’ll be late.”

“Thanks daddy!” She hugged his neck from behind his chair happily and ran out the door with her sister.

John and Juliana glanced at each other simultaneously when they’d left, with matched smiles. 

“So Juliana, what are your thoughts regarding refilling punch bowls and reprimanding teenage boys for dancing too close with their partners?”

“Actually, I think it sounds like a lot of fun. I would love to get out of the house.”

“It’s settled then,” he said with a smile. I’ll be by this afternoon to pick you girls up and we’ll go shopping.”

“I look forward to it,” she beamed. He noticed.

He found himself smiling at her yet again, it was so refreshing to be around a woman who acted real. He found it very attractive. He had grown so tired of Helen’s group of female friends and their phony congeniality.

Juliana reminded him of how women acted before the war, of his mother, his aunts and their friends that he knew when he was growing up.

 

                              *****  
  


As John pulled into the driveway Jennifer and Amy ran out immediately, with Juliana not far behind.

They went to several shops. Jennifer finally found a dress she loved.

She pulled a lovely little back dress off a rack in the women’s section and ran over to Juliana, who was sitting next to John on a couch outside the fitting rooms. 

“Julia, this dress would be _divine_ on you, you have try it on! Please!”

“Oh I don’t think so Jennifer, we’re here for _you_ , not me.”

“She’s right, you should have a new dress too, of course. I should have offered before, forgive my manners. Please, it will be my treat,” John said.

“Really it’s ok, I don’t need a new dress,” she said shyly.

“I _insist_ ,” he said, verging on an authoritative tone.

“Ok, I guess there’s no harm in trying it on.”

Jennifer smiled.

A saleswoman led Juliana into the fitting room. She emerged a few minutes later, looking quite radiant.

What a nice figure she truly had, John thought.

“Well, what do you guys think?” she asked.

“I LOVE it!” shouted Jennifer.

“It does suit you quite well Julia,” John managed to say, after clearing his throat.

“I think it may be a little too formal for a school social, maybe I can try something more causal,” offered Juliana.

The saleswoman nodded in agreement. “I think you’re right Miss, it fits you beautifully, but a little overstated for a school function.”

Juliana tried on a second dress, which fit her equally as well, though nothing compared to the sexiness of the first dress, but a safe choice for Saturday.

John paid the bill and walked up behind Juliana as they walked out the store, and whispered in her ear privately, “I bought the black one too, it’s impossible for any other woman to look as ravishing in it, so I figured you should be the only rightful owner,” he said, with a deliberately flirtatious tone to his voice. 

She turned around and offered him an equally flirtatious smile, “Thank you, I can’t wait to wear it for a night out.”

Her heart had started to pound so strongly in her chest, she was sure he must have heard it.

 

                         ******  
  


That night, Juliana sat awake in her bed, well after midnight, replaying the afternoon in her head with a smile she couldn’t seem to quell.

How could she possibly be developing feelings for John Smith, a high ranking Nazi, who stood for everything she stood against. But with each passing day he drifted further away from Oberstgruppenfuher Smith and was now becoming just _John_ , to her.

A charming man who she enjoyed washing dishes with, drinking wine and talking with, trying on dresses for.

She remembered the expression on his face when she had first walked out of the fitting room. _Had his lips parted slightly_? She thought so, but wasn’t entirely sure.

She felt her stomach tighten as she remembered him whispering in her ear.

She had been getting mixed messages, but today he seemed pretty clear.

He found her attractive, she had seen that, undeniably.

She drifted off to sleep as she indulged herself with that thought.


	10. Pleasant Surprises

Juliana saw John pensively pacing around his office the next morning as she said her goodbyes to the girls when they left for school.

She wondered who he was speaking with. In an effort to distract herself and calm her nerves, she decided to clean up the kitchen.

Martha quickly entered the room and wasted no time with acting rudely to Juliana. She grabbed the dishes out of Juliana’s hands as she scoffed. “This is _my_ job, thank you. Why don’t you get back to whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing here?”

Juliana retorted, “Martha, I don’t need you to wait on me, I can help out.”

She paused to gather her thoughts, then continued, “I’m not sure what I’ve done to upset you, but I apologize for whatever I did.”

“You have come into this peaceful home and turned it upside down. Thomas is gone, Helen has left, and now we have you... _you_ to thank for all of this.”

“Martha I can assure you, I am beyond grateful for what the Smiths have done for me. I owe them my life. But I’m not responsible for choices I didn’t make. Thomas made a choice. Helen made a choice. We all make choices.”

Martha sputtered, “Well it was your choice to have an affair with Mr. Smith, wasn’t it?”

Julia’s mouth was agape, “How dare you make an accusation like that! We have nev—“

John stepped out from around the corner, he had been listening to the entire conversation and could no longer hold back.

“What’s going on here ladies?” he asked in annoyance.

Martha shook her head obediently, “Nothing sir, just a disagreement I suppose.”

“A word with you Martha, in my _office_ please.”

“Yes sir,” she managed.

“Excuse us please Julia,” he said.

Juliana nodded. Things had been going well and now a disturbance. Martha must have been close with Helen, she thought. She could easily see how the situation could be misread, but she wasn’t going to be accused of something she hadn’t done.

Back in John’s office, he sat down quickly and offered her a chair.

“Martha, I have a morning meeting at work that I can’t be late for, so I’ll make this brief. I know that you and Helen have become close over the years and your service to the family is unparalleled. That said, you should know how dangerous it may be for you if you make assumptions, cast doubts, and infer things that you’ve no place to infer. While I appreciate your concern for my family, I am your employer and I expect the utmost respect, as well as discretion, in all matters which take place in my home. It would be truly unfortunate for me to have to fire you, so I hope you understand that this is a conversation I won’t be having with you again. Furthermore, not that I need to divulge this to you, but Juliana has proved very helpful to me and the family and she was in a need of a favor. Our relationship is strictly business, and will remain. Please show her respect and be helpful. I had told her that you were an excellent cook, will you please show her how to make a few meals?”

“Yes Oberst-Gruppenfuher, absolutely. I’m so sorry, thank you for giving me another chance, I won’t disappoint you,” she said, almost groveling.

“Very good Martha, see you this evening.”

He walked around until he found Juliana, sitting on her bed. As he spoke he straightened his uniform, “There you are. I wanted to let you know I handled the situation with Martha. She won’t be giving you a hard time anymore.”

“You didn’t _fire_ her, did you?” asked Juliana.

“I wanted to, but I exercised restraint and chose to allow her redemption. Let me know if she is unpleasant to you in any way, please.”

He paused. “Also, enjoy yourself tonight at the social, I won’t be able to see Jennifer before the dance unfortunately, have to work late. Please let her know. There will be a car here at 6:00 to pick you two up and Amy can stay here with Martha.”

“Wonderful, thank you,” she said, unsure if he’d heard her, as he was already down the hall and opening the front door.

She was completely excited to have an evening away from home, even if it was to chaperone a social. She giggled quietly to herself as she thought about how she would style Jennifer’s hair, and her own hair...

Her thoughts drifted back to John, as they were more and more lately.

Would he have defended her like that with Martha if he didn’t have feelings for her, she wondered...

She suddenly wished for a moment that she was going out on the town with him tonite, as his _date_.

She shook her head to herself in an effort to stop her thoughts from running wild, then bit her lower lip...

                           ******

After the morning meeting, John took a call from Himmler. He anxiously picked up the receiver.

“Good morning sir, heil Himmler.”

“Good morning John. I’m calling to check on you. I’ve been informed that your wife left Thomas’ memorial rather quickly and hasn’t been attending to her regular women’s meetings and functions. Is there something I should know?” he said with an aggressive tone.

John had just spoke with Helen before work that morning and their talk didn’t go well. She had basically told him that she loved him, but she could no longer live the lives they had tangled themselves into, she felt as though she was verging on a nervous breakdown.

“Yes sir. She took the news about Thomas very poorly and needed to visit her parents in Indiana to regain her senses and spend time with them. She wanted to tell her friends, but I assured her I would handle it. However, it slipped my mind as I’ve been very busy with work related issues lately.”

Himmler grunted. “This displeases me to hear John. I had hoped that my informant was wrong, but alas, he was completely on point. My patience is running out for these inconvenient family issues. Get your wife in order and handle it or else I will take matters into my own hands.” He hung up.

John sat at his desk a moment, attempting to figure out how to handle it all.

No clear solutions seemed to present themselves. For the time being, he would have to continue to make it work. Helen’s choice seemed fixed, she wanted to stay at her parents.

                              ******

John looked up at the clock, it was already 7:30 and he was quickly losing energy and motivation. 

He finished signing the rest of his daily paperwork and grabbed his coat.

He wanted to surprise Jennifer and stop by the school. 

                             ******

When John entered the school gym, he saw Jennifer dancing with a young man about 13 or 14 years old. She was looking very pretty in her new floral dress with curled hair.

He scanned the room to locate Juliana and smiled as he watched her dutifully neatening a food table by herself.

He wondered the last time he had asked a woman to dance. Probably 20 or so years, he thought to himself with a sigh. He decided to visit the washroom first before speaking with Juliana.

She hadn’t noticed him yet.

When he returned, he was surprised to find Juliana on the dance floor with the math teacher, Mr. Carter. His wife had died several years before in a car accident, he had no children.

He felt jealousy beginning to take hold of him. He noticed that Carter was holding her a bit too close for a stranger. Although he had always pitied him for the tragedy he’d endured, he found himself unable to tolerate the idea of them together.

He walked over to where they were and decided to cut in.

Juliana shot John a shocked expression, followed by a smile, not at all expecting him to be there tonight.

“Mind if I cut in Robert?”, John said charmingly.

He had such a commanding presence that both men and women alike responded to him with very little resistance.

“Hi John, yes sure, good to see you,” he said awkwardly as he retreated off the dance floor. John was several inches taller than him and considerably more handsome. In truth, it was not a competition in the least, but a possessiveness had come over him and he seemed unable to control it.

“Juliana, err, Julia, you look very nice this evening. Is that a new dress you’re wearing?”

He was enjoying this.

“Why _yes_ John, it is. A nice gentleman bought it for me,” she said coyly.

She was enjoying this.

“Hmmm, gentleman huh?... _Maybe_.” He said with a devilish grin. “And what else could you say to describe this, ‘gentleman’ you speak of?”

“Well let’s see...he’s about 6 feet tall, he has green, penetrating eyes, muscular, and some have described him as dreadfully handsome,” she dared to say, shocking herself.

“I see, would _you_ describe him as dreadfully handsome?” He dared to say. “Perhaps, like a knight in shining armor?, he said, fully teasing her.

She looked up and paused a moment, as if she was truly considering how to answer his question.

She kept up the act and said with a tempting smile, “Yes...  _exactly.”_

With that, his smile turned to serious in a moments flash and she felt his strong hands pull her waist in closer to him, with almost no space between them...his pace slowed.

Neither one dared to look directly at the other, for fear it would cause too much speculation. Just then, the song ended and Jennifer came up excitedly with a few of her girlfriends.

“Daddy what are you doing here?” she said as she hugged him.

“I couldn’t miss seeing my Jenny at her first middle school social. You look beautiful sweetheart. Are you having a good time?” he said sweetly.

She nodded vigorously in that teenage girl way and giggled. “We don’t have to go yet do we?”

“No, but I think it ends at 9:00, so enjoy yourself because it’s 8:30.”

“Thanks daddy,” and she rushed off with her friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger, that’s all I could do for now...more to come today or tommorrow hopefully!! Xoxox


	11. Strangers in the Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So fun to write this chapter after a long buildup, just the beginning for these two in their adventures...

Juliana and John made their way back to the beverage area behind the dance floor after Jennifer ran off with a few friends.

Neither seemed quite sure how to converse normally after sharing the most intimate moment that they’d had together.  

“Juliana, would you like some punch?” he asked, feeling like a teenager again.

He couldn’t believe that he’d made that comment to her about a knight in shining armor.  _So stupid,_ he thought... He didn’t seem in control of himself when he was around her anymore, which he found both perplexing and frustrating.

”That would be great, thanks”.

She was about to continue, when two women approached John, each gracing him with a warm hug. She didn’t want to intrude, so she straightened up the table and pretended not to eavesdrop.

”John, please tell us, what in the world is going on with Helen? We’re really concerned about her,” said a woman wearing a very expensive designer suit.

Before he could answer, she continued, “And we’ve heard that you have a woman from the Pacific States staying with you at present, is this true?”

John glanced over to Juliana and their eyes briefly met.

He cleared his throat.

“Thank you for your concern, I truly appreciate that. Helen is catching up with her family in Indiana currently. She has had a rough go of it I’m afraid, but she’ll be back before you know it, ready to resume bridge club I’m sure.”

Both women nodded, “Well that’s certainly music to our ears,” said the second woman.

John realized they were both still holding his gaze because he hadn’t answered both of their questions.

Reluctantly, he offered, “As for the woman, yes, her name is Julia Mills and she was part of an effort in the Pacific States to defeat the resistance. She sought asylum in the Reich and my family and I sponsored her citizenship.  Due to some of her operations to help the State, she was placed in a very dangerous and precarious situation so we felt it best for her to stay in our home until we’ve succeeded in our efforts and she is no longer at risk.”

He was annoyed at having to give them a detailed answer, but knew it was best to shut down any speculation before gossip ensued.  He was well acquainted with how quickly rumors began and persisted in that circle.  “She’s just over there, in fact, why don’t I introduce you?”

He motioned for Juliana to come over.

They proceeded to make their introductions and exchange pleasantries, but all parties seemed relieved after a few minutes when they were interrupted with the announcement that the social was ending.  

                          ******

Later that night, John lay awake in bed, brewing over what to do about the predicament with Helen.

He had only had two very brief phone conversations with her since she’d left; neither one had left him feeling confident of her returning home quickly, or at _all_ , for that matter.

He was typically able to cunningly conjure up creative or possibly aggressive solutions to most problems he’d faced in his life, career and personal.

 _Not this time._  

For close to twenty years, Helen had been the one solid, shining beacon of solidarity and hope in his life, through some very dark times.  Now that foundation appeared to be crumbling beneath him...

The realization that all of the efforts and sacrifices he’d made for his wife and children for so many years, seemed to have been made in vain, begin to settle in.

He felt nausea taking hold of him and a panic attack began to ripple through his body.

He immediately shot out of bed and began pacing the floor of the bedroom...

In the next instant, he fled downstairs to the liquor cabinet and poured himself a scotch.  

Juliana, who hadn’t been able to fall asleep yet either, was startled by the harsh clink she’d heard of the scotch bottle hitting the glass and rose from bed.

Quickly slipping on her silk robe, she walked out into the living room to assess the situation.

She saw John alternating between pacing around the dimly lit living room, and stopping to take a sip of his drink or pour more.

He wasn’t normally a man to have more than one drink, unless he was facing a serious affliction of some kind. His uncle had been a terrible alcoholic and he remembered overhearing stories growing up which served to ingrain themselves in him for life.

He tolerated Helen’s drinking binges with the understanding that it seemed to comfort her with some of the challenges she’d faced.  There were times when he _wished_ it would bring him more comfort than it did, but he loathed the idea of not being in control of his senses.

Tonight, though, he allowed himself an exception.  

“John, I heard some noises and wanted to be sure everything was ok. Are you alright?” she asked with honest concern.  

“I’m sorry if I woke you,” he hesitated, then continued, “Would you care to join me for a drink in the Florida room?”

He was grateful for her company, wanting any distraction he could find from his current reality.  

“I couldn’t sleep anyhow, you didn’t wake me. A drink sounds perfect,” she said. “Maybe just what the doctor ordered.”

“Do you have any whiskey?” she asked.

He instantly gave her a shocked expression and nodded his head with a pleased grin.

 “Sure. You don’t strike me as the whiskey type, Miss Crain. The more I get to know you, the more I start to think I’m losing my touch with analyzing personality types, behaviors.”

She lowered her head, but smiled as she met his eyes and spoke, “Whiskey was common in the Pacific States, and plenty of sake of course.”

”I’m not judging,” he said with a smile.  “Just surprised, that’s all.”

He grabbed the glasses and motioned for her to lead the way. He was already feeling his anxiety begin to melt away. She always seemed to have a calming effect on him, which he was currently appreciating very much.  

She sat down first, choosing the couch, and he surprised her by sitting down on the couch with her, as opposed to one of the arm chairs situated on either side of the couch.

Already she felt the stirrings of excitement in her stomach.

She attempted to distract herself with thoughts of him being a Nazi and the horrific crimes against humanity he undoubtedly committed.

 _It wasn’t working.._.

He was in his pajamas with his bedroom slippers on and his hair looking the most tousled she was sure she’d ever seen it. No one else could wear what he was wearing and appear dapper in any way, and yet she found him incredibly sexy in that moment, hating herself for it but losing the will to fight it any longer.  

He handed her a shot of whisky he had poured. “So we were interrupted earlier at the social when I was about to ask you how the chaperoning went,” he said, wanting to avoid a heavy conversation at the moment because his blood pressure had finally settled.  

“Oh, it was fine. I’m not sure how well I fit in, but I tried my best...I did have to tell a few boys to display better conduct on several occasions, but other than that it was uneventful. Good to be out though, very good.”

”Well that’s good to hear. I had no worries about you assimilating, you’re very clever that way. Almost eerily so.” He took a sip. “Like I told you before, the bird with a broken wing act. Very good.”  

Feeling the need to defend herself, she countered, “Funny you should say that though because I’ve often thought the same about you,” she said while twisting her lips off to one side. “In fact, with your charm and looks, I don’t think you have  _ever_ had a difficult time getting what you want, personally or professionally.”

It was playful banter, but had a slightly risky tone.  

He shrugged and grinned, “You may be right, but I don’t  _always_ get what I want, consensually anyway.”

He realized that she was an excellent match to his wits.  As he took a few sips of his scotch, he was able to get in several undetected glances at her from the neck down...

His thoughts instantly turning to what she was wearing, if anything, beneath her robe—

He remembered how nice her firm breasts had felt the night they had hugged.

He blinked his eyes tightly and attempted to imagine anything that was less attractive than what he saw beside him just then.  

He continued, “I must admit, I was surprised when I saw you dancing with Mr. Carter tonight. Seems out of character for him. He’s normally pretty reserved. You must’ve stirred some passions which have lied dormant in him for quite some time. Makes me wonder if there has ever been a time that  _you_ haven’t gotten anything you wanted,” he said tauntingly, with a wicked grin.  

“You give as good as you get John. I’m impressed,” Juliana said, flirtatiously.  “He did seem a little out of practice, I could tell, but very sweet.”

He nodded. “Sweet. I’m not sure that sweet is your type. You may want it to be, and it’s maybe the type you date, but not the type you should really be with...But what do I know?” he said, with a deliberately provocative tone.  

He sensed that she was just as turned on as he was, and was enormously thrilled to tease her to the fullest extent.

She pretended a mild scoff, “And I suppose you think _you_ know what type of man I should be with? Do tell.”

He took another sip and gave her a steely glance, then shook his head.

“I’m not entirely sure. But I know this.  You need a _man_ not a boy.”

Her smile faded as she returned his penetrating glance.

 He was right, _God_ was he right...

She had outgrown Frank years ago. They had been high school sweethearts and she enjoyed the comfort his familiarity brought, but she had known in her heart he wasn’t right for her.  

 _His_ love hadn’t faded, which had made it so difficult for her to end it.  

After about five long seconds, she finally spoke. “I hate to admit this, but you’re right.” 

He was dying to kiss her.

His eyes drifted from her eyes, down to her expectant lips, now back up to her eyes—fully aware of the repercussions of his next move, but the scotch had dulled his senses enough to render him defenseless against his burgeoning desire...

Very slowly and tenderly, he moved towards her and planted the softest kiss on her lips; one hand had gone up to cup the soft nape of her neck, the other was on her waistline.

As he continued to settle into a long, lingering kiss, her heavy breathing fueled the ever-growing lust in his loins.  

Ever so slightly and gently, she felt his warm tongue slowly move into her mouth.

He tasted _so good_ , she thought.

Then both of his hands were positioned on either side of her cheeks as he continued to explore her mouth, which he tasted and slowly savored as if it were a rare wine that must be relished.

He retreated from her mouth a moment, only briefly, to gently press a kiss on each one of her closed eyelids.

Just as he lowered his head to begin feasting on her neck, they both nearly fell off the couch when they heard a sound rounding the bottom of the stairs and heading toward them.  

They quickly separated and resumed their former places on the couch as Amy opened the door that they had left slightly cracked.

“Sweetheart, what on Earth are you doing up at this hour?” he said with a crackled voice.  

“I thought I’d heard a noise outside my window. Then I couldn’t get back to sleep,” she answered, while rubbing her eyes. “Can you walk me back to my room and sit by my bed for awhile?”

”Sure honey,” he said.

He looked over to Juliana in an effort to read her thoughts.  

“I think I’m going to turn in, I’ll see you two in the morning,” said Juliana. “Goodnight Amy, sleep well sweetie.”

She looked at him once more, “Goodnight John.”

Their eyes held a gaze for what felt like three minutes.

If it had been anyone besides a child who was watching them, they would have instantly felt the palpable sexual tension in the room, but thankfully it was all missed on Amy and she sleepily nodded as John scooped her up easily in his arms to take her upstairs. 

                          


	12. Shots Fired

John lay awake in his bed, staring at the ceiling, his mind reeling from the kiss he’d shared with Juliana...

It was taking _every_ fiber of his being to not head back downstairs and knock on her door to finish what they’d started on the couch.

He could still smell her scent on his fingertips and it was intoxicating him.  

_Was she awake in her bed at that very moment, wanting him as badly as he wanted her?_

His heart felt _yes_ , but his mind wasn’t entirely convinced...

In the time she’d spent with them, she’d given no reason for him to question her intentions, but he continued to have lingering doubts.  

She was quite adept at getting what she wanted and he knew that her cunning and beauty had served her well over the years, or he assumed it had, he thought. After all, she was in a very precarious situation and it would undoubtedly benefit her to come on to him.  On the other hand, when he looked into her eyes, he only saw genuine affection. 

Thoughts of Helen drifted into his head...

She had pushed him away for _so_ long and seemed to be harboring so much anger toward him lately, he wondered if she would even care about the kiss.

Still, he felt undeniably conflicted and a sense of guilt surged through his body.  

_An ear piercing scream._

It was Juliana.

In an instant he grabbed the pistol in his nightstand and flew down the stairs, towards her room. His adrenaline mounting to its’ full force, he cautiously rounded the corner into the room with his weapon, cocked and ready.

 The man had bound and gagged Juliana and was starting to step out the window. 

“Drop your weapon!” John demanded.

In an instant, the man aimed towards John and fumbled to fire his gun, but John had drawn quicker and shot him with two consecutive perfect shots in his chest. He was an excellent marksman, a skill which had served him very well in his military career.

“Juliana, _duck_!” shouted John.

Seconds later, several shots fired from the outside...

John crept towards the window and stood on one side, attempting to decipher what he was dealing with.

He could only see one man, and after a few seconds, John took a shot, hitting him in the shoulder, which only slowed him for a moment. He ran towards the street and jumped into a car which drove off.

The girls were screaming, terrified just outside the room.  

“Stay out!” he yelled, “It’s not safe!”

Juliana was still flat on the floor near the window, the dead man’s body just inches away from her.  

“I think it was just those two. There may have been one more, but I can’t risk going outside and leaving you three inside,” he said, breathing heavily.

He untied Juliana’s gag and wrists. “Do you recognize this man?”

“No,” she shook her head. “Do you think they were resistance?” Juliana asked.

”Yes. I’ve got to make a few phone calls, let’s get the girls and head into my office.”

Juliana tried to calm the girls while John made his calls. In no time at all, there were four SS officers outside guarding the house and several who came inside to gather the dead body.  

                          ******

John didn’t want to take any unnecessary risks, still feeling unsettled from the whole incident, so he had Juliana and the girls sleep in his room for the remainder of the night.

Amy slept in the bed between them, with Jennifer on the floor in her sleeping bag.

Amy hugged his arm tightly. “Daddy, you don’t think the bad guys will come _back_ , do you?”  

“No, sweetheart. And if they did, I have four men outside who will stop anyone and anything from coming inside. Trust me, I won’t let anything happen to you girls.” He rubbed her arm reassuringly.  

“Let’s all try to get a little rest, hmm?”

Juliana smiled to herself.  She  _did_ feel safe in bed with him. Although she was still quite rattled, she knew he wouldn’t let anything happen to them.  

Once her nerves had calmed, her thoughts drifted to what had happened earlier and her pulse began to race with the realization that she was in the same bed as him.

After about ten minutes, Amy had fallen asleep. Juliana sat up slightly in bed as she turned to roll onto her opposite side; as she did, her eyes met John’s and held there briefly, in the dim glow of the night light which shone in the room.

She dared to offer him a very slow, soft smile.  

He returned the offering with a smile of his own, desperately wishing his daughter wasn’t in the bed between them...Wanting to take her in his arms with abandon and forget all of his troubles.  

She turned the rest of the way over with her back facing him.  After a moment, she felt his strong hand firmly squeeze her shoulder from behind, then lightly rub it. She put the hand from her opposite arm over his and rested it there to reciprocate the tenderness.  

                         ******

The next morning, John stormed into headquarters with a dogged determination he hadn’t felt in awhile.

As he walked down the long corridor towards his office, Erich greeted him.  

“Good morning sir, I’m so sorry to hear about the unfortunate events that took place at your home last night.  Glad to hear that everyone is safe,” Erich said.

”Thank you Erich. How is our prisoner doing today? I’ll need to speak with him right away, if possible.”

”He’s fine, sir. We’ve made certain he has received adequate treatment and nutrition, per your request. I will prepare him for your interrogation right away.”

”Thank you.”  

Erich quickly left the room.  

                          ******

When John got home later that day, he was pleased to learn that both girls were still at their after school activities.

His excitement was quickly dashed as he opened the front door and heard Martha speaking with Juliana in the kitchen, she was teaching her how to make a bolognese sauce.  

“Mmm, that smells dangerously delicious ladies, I can’t wait for supper,” he said, as he proceeded to remove his hat, coat, and boots.

Martha removed her apron and walked towards him with a smile, “Good afternoon sir.”  

She looked back into the kitchen at Juliana, “She’s doing quite well, sir.  I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised,” she said.  

He smiled. “Oh I don’t doubt it, she’s full of surprises,” he said, as he glanced over toward Juliana.

She had turned around when he said that and presented him with a girlish smile.  

Martha, sensing that her presence wasn’t entirely wanted, grabbed her keys and headed toward the front door.

 “Sir I’m going to go pick up Jennifer. Amy is going to be dropped off by Mrs. Thompson after piano practice, in about 15 minutes. Do you require anything else at this time?”

He shook his head. “No, thank you Martha, that’ll be all.”  

After he was sure Martha had gotten into her car and started the ignition, he quietly advanced towards the kitchen and came up behind Juliana as she stirred her sauce.

He whispered over her shoulder, “May I have a taste, Miss Crain?” he asked, in a teasingly  seductive tone.  

Her stomach flipped.

“Of course, but be kind, it’s my first attempt at a homemade sauce,” she said, as she turned around to him with a spoonful ready for him to sample.  

As she lightly blew on the spoon to cool it off, their eyes locked on each other.  

Fifteen minutes he thought, _damn._  

He opened his mouth and tasted the sauce in a deliberately sensual manner. “Mmm, that’s wonderful.” He licked his lips. “Let me give _you_ a taste,” he said, grinning.  

He proceeded to take the spoon from her and scooped a spoonful from the pan. After blowing on it, he motioned for her to open her mouth as he slowly fed it to her.

She nodded her head to indicate her approval.  

“Delicious, right? I could feast on that for days.”  

He grabbed her waist quickly and pulled her in closely up against him. He bent down and kissed her firmly, with much more haste and urgency than the night before...

Her hands went up and were running through his hair. His hands travelled from her waist down to her backside, with each of his hands on either side, he gave a firm squeeze.

“Mmm...this feels nice,” he said with a muffled voice through their kisses.

“ _Very nice,_ ” he repeated with a soft groan, his hands still positioned on her backside.  

Feeling his hardness up against her, she moved a hand down and gripped his member firmly through his uniform pants and held it there a moment, her eyes eyes locked on his.

”Be careful what you start, Juliana. He doesn’t take kindly to teasing.”  

“I’ll consider myself warned”...she smiled. “I feel I must remind you, Mr. Smith, that you have two men just outside the back door here, and two daughters who will be home _any_ minute.”

”Thank you for your, err, efficiency. I guess I'll have to live on  _this_ sauce for now,” he said while pointing to the pan...“And hope for more of your _sauce,_ at a later date.”  

He smiled and kissed her one final time. Not a moment too soon. Jennifer raced through the front door.

“Julia, wait till I tell you what happened at school today! Hi Daddy,” she said, out of breath.  

“Sure sweetie, do you need to talk now, or can it wait till after dinner?” Juliana asked.  

“Umm, I guess it can wait. I don’t want your dinner to burn,” Jennifer said.  

“Thanks honey,” Juliana smiled, first at Jennifer, then at her father.  

“Jenny, why don’t you go ahead and wash up for supper. I have a few things to discuss with Julia,” said John.

”Yes Daddy.”

With an almost immediate change of mood, from lighthearted to serious, John began to tell her about his interrogation with the resistance member being held at headquarters.  

“Juliana, I want you to know that you don’t need to worry about the resistance anymore.  We were able to find out the remaining names and locations of everyone in this area, and they have been either detained for further questioning, or eliminated. I’ll continue to have several men placed here to guard the house around the clock, and if need to run an errand one of them will accompany you,” he said. He wanted to put her mind at ease.

She looked at him with a sense of immediate relief.

“That’s wonderful news. I don’t know how to thank you for everything, truly.”

”I’m sure you’ll think of _something_ ,” he said as he gave her a devious but playful look, an art form he’d mastered. 

                             ******

After dinner, Juliana walked with Jennifer into her room. 

“What was the news that happened to you at school today?” asked Juliana, half worried at what she was about to hear.  

“I started my menstrual cycle at school.  Mother had already explained to me how everything works, even how to fix myself up.  But I just had a few questions, I thought you could help me.”

”Congratulations, you’re officially a woman today!”

Juliana remembered in her citizenship teachings that it was the duty of all girls in the Reich to report the start of their period and have genetic testing completed. She thought for a moment about her how to advise her.

”Jennifer, did you tell the school nurse honey?” Juliana asked nervously.

She shook her head. “There wasn’t enough time, it was near the end of the day and I had a test in my last class.”

Juliana exhaled.  

“Good, that’s _good_ sweetie. I need to speak with your father about this, please excuse me a quick minute.”  

When Juliana found John, he was reading over some paperwork in his office. She told him about the situation. He asked her to call Jennifer in so he could speak with her.

Jennifer walked in anxiously, worried something was wrong. “Yes Daddy. Is everything alright, am I in trouble?”

”No sweetie, not at all. Julia shared with me about what happened to you today. I can’t believe my little girl is growing up so quickly.  I’m glad you have her to speak to about any questions you have.”

He paused a moment, to gather his next comment. “Jennifer I need you to keep this information between only us. Don’t even tell your sister or Martha. These are very dangerous times and my job as a father is to protect you, however I can. This is very serious, your life depends on it. Do not tell anyone that you started your cycle, you must keep it hidden. Do you understand?”

”Yes Daddy.  I won’t speak of it. I didn’t even tell my friends. You have my word.”

”Good. I know I can trust you.”  

He hugged her tightly. “It’s time you headed to bed, goodnight sweetheart, I love you.”

”I love you too Daddy.”

He sighed as she walked out the room. Nothing seemed to be getting easier in his life. Each day somehow presented equal or greater challenges than the previous. 

                           ******

                          

 


	13. Comforting Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Had to post this as a birthday gift to myself lol, hope you guys enjoy ❤️

Juliana sat straight up in bed in a cold sweat.

Her nightmare had been so realistic.

_Graphic, horrible images that chilled her to her bones._

She knew she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep in the guest room, alone with her tormenting thoughts...

She left the room and paced around for a minute at the bottom of the stairs, then after a brief moment of hesitation, decidedly walked up and approached John’s doorway.  

Afraid to startle him, she quietly called him from the door.

“ _John_ , John please wake up it’s Juliana,” her voice desperate.

He quickly blinked his eyes awake and bolted  upright.

“What, what’s wrong, is everything ok?” he stammered as he oriented himself.  

“I’m so sorry to wake you, but I had a horrible nightmare...It _frightened_ me so much. I had to see you.”  

He motioned for her to come over to the bed.  “Come here, sit,” he said. She sat beside him on the bed, with her hands held nervously in her lap, still visibly shaken.

”You’re trembling,” he said, as he covered her hands with his own, almost in a fatherly manner.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked softly.  

“John it was so scary. I dreamt that the man who came into the window abducted me and tortured me in a sleazy hotel room...” she caught her breath..”Then he was shot by a Nazi and I thought I’d be rescued, but he covered my head with a dark bag and I woke up in a bunker somewhere. They lined up my parents, Frank, my friend Ed, and they made me _shoot_ them all.”  

She started to sob uncontrollably. He pulled her into his chest and hugged her, stroking her hair, gently rocking her.

“It’s alright now, you’re  _safe_ Juliana. You’ve been through a lot lately, it’s perfectly normal for it to transfer into your dreams. _Shhh_ , _you’re safe, you’re safe_ ,” he repeated and continued to stroke her head.  

After a few minutes, she was able to calm her crying and wiped her eyes with the back of her hands. He softly brushed her face with the backs his fingers and their eyes settled on one another, finally, as she looked up at him. 

He blinked and looked down at the floor as he started to speak.

“Juliana. I hope you don’t think I’m being too forward, but if you’d like to sleep in here, you’re welcome to. I’m up before anyone else in the house. I can wake you up so you can go back downstairs,” he paused a second, then looked directly at her when he spoke again.

“I promise to...be a _gentleman_.”

Inviting her into his bed was bold, he knew, but he was growing tired of analyzing every move he made. Something about her, something she stirred in him, made him want to forget all his premeditated thoughts and act on _impulse_ alone.

She nodded in approval. Although she wasn’t entirely sure she _wanted_ him to be a gentleman.

 “Thank you,” was all she could get out of her lips, quietly.

He pulled down the covers on her side of the bed and gestured for her to lie down. Her anxiety was now almost entirely gone and was instantly replaced with _erotic_ feelings, growing and taking hold in her belly.

As she crawled under the covers, she could feel herself starting to get wet. She imagined him covering her in a thousand, _slow kisses_ , pulling down her panties and mounting her. Was he a good lover? Would he be gentle or rough? Slow or fast? Her mind was reeling with questions. 

She caught hold of her thoughts when she realized she’d been breathing quickly. _Did he hear me?  I hope not..._

He  _had_ noticed.

Though he wasn’t sure if it was still some residual anxiety from her nightmare, or what he hoped it was from.

 _God_ , he wanted to have her  _so_ badly.

He quietly shifted his already hard cock in his underwear and tried to think of anything that would help him manage to not turn over and ravage her. He imagined all the things he wanted to _do_ to her.

All the parts of her he wanted to _explore_...

Had she ever had an experienced lover, or just a few college boys? Was she a wild lover? Uninhibited? _Dirty_? God what he wouldn’t give to know!

He bit on the inside of his cheek to stop his thoughts.

He couldn’t make a move on her.

She was too vulnerable right now and would think that he took advantage of her.  

Thoughts of Helen now...

Did their marriage stand  _any_ chance of reconciliation?

He didn’t think so. The realization pained him, but the words of utter resentment that she spoke to him during their conversation just yesterday had deeply troubled him.

Still, he couldn’t bring himself to sleep with Juliana in _their_ bed. Too much guilt. When he had successfully chased away his fantasies for the time being, his body finally surrendered to sleep.

                             ******

He could barely open his eyes when his alarm went off at 5:30 am, having had about only three hours of sleep, of which, maybe one hour at best was restful. The other two having been plagued with sensual thoughts of Juliana, tormenting him ceaselessly.  

He leaned over to wake her and found himself watching her for a few moments, breathlessly beautiful as she slept, he thought.

He touched her shoulder softly. She slowly opened her eyes and smiled as his face came into her focus.

He found himself becoming aroused again and resolved to quickly get out of bed to quell any thoughts from gaining hold.  

She slowly put on her robe and looked over to him as he grabbed his own and had begun to tie it.  

“Thank you. I really appreciate last night. I didn’t sleep long, but what sleep I had was much more peaceful,” she said with a smile.  

“No need to thank me, seemed like the right thing to do. I guess once you’ve been a father to girls, you remind yourself that every woman was once someone’s little girl. It becomes instinctive to comfort any woman that you’re close to,” he looked away when he said the last part, fearing he was exposing himself too much.

She walked over to him and grazed her hand up and down one of his arms.

“You’re a lot more sensitive than I would have ever thought, John.”

He smiled at her and planted a soft kiss on her forehead.

“You’d better get going,” he said.  

                               ******

Juliana set the curling iron down and looked in the bathroom mirror.

“There, all done. You look beautiful,” she said to Amy. 

“I’m nervous. What if I forget some notes? There’s going to be a lot of people there,” Amy said anxiously.  

“You’re going to do a _fabulous_ job. I’ve heard you practice your piece a hundred times, just pretend you’re at home, playing for all of us, and you’ll be fine,” she said reassuringly.  

She blinked her eyes and nodded.

“I wish Thomas were here. He helped me learn all of the keys when I first started piano lessons. He was... _such a good brother._ ”

She burst out in tears and hugged Juliana. It was the first time she’d seen Amy cry since her brother had left.  

After allowing herself a moment to purge her feelings, Amy straightened up to compose herself.

“I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help it, I loved him so much.”

Juliana shook her head. ”Don’t be sorry, don’t ever be sorry for your feelings Amy. It’s what makes us human. If you don’t allow yourself to feel things, you’ll bottle it up inside until one day you burst. You understand?”

Amy quickly nodded.

John emerged from around the corner. He had just gotten home from work.  

“Amy, don’t you look beautiful darling?” he said with a smile.

“Daddy, you’re home!” She squeezed him tightly.  

He loved how excited she still got when he came home from work every day. Jennifer used to do that too, but now had a more mature reaction. 

“Amy, sweetheart, what Juliana said is true. But I want to tell you this also. I’ve experienced many unpleasant things in my life, and I find it best to just put those thoughts quickly out of my head and move on.  Don’t dwell,” he said as he gave Juliana a serious look.

Amy nodded obediently, “Ok Daddy. Well, I have to go put on my socks and shoes.” 

Juliana followed behind Amy out of the bathroom, looking away from John and knitting her brows tersely.

John grabbed her wrist as she started to walk out.

“Juliana. In the world we live in now, she has to learn to be _strong_. When people allow their feelings to interfere too much, they appear weak and are preyed upon. How do you think _I’ve_ survived?”

She scoffed, “Please, let go of me. I need to finish getting ready.”

A cool tension settled in the air, both staring at the other for several seconds until he released her wrists.She hurriedly walked off downstairs.  

                          *****

There was a palpable awkwardness between John and Juliana during the ride to the recital.

 Once there, they deliberately chose to sit with Jennifer between them, due to their scuffle back at the house, as well as the need to keep any on-lookers at bay.

Helen’s absence continued to cast considerable questions upon the Smith family. Juliana’s presence cast even more. They scarcely made eye contact throughout the whole recital and after John had made a few obligatory greetings, they made their exit rather quickly.  

                        *****

After the girls had gone up to bed that night, John finally emerged from his office.

He still had his suit on from the recital. He loosened his tie as he walked over to pour himself a drink, hoping that Juliana was still awake.

After glancing out to the Florida room and noticing the lamp light was on, he poured a small glass of whisky for her.

”Glad to see you’re awake Juliana.  I took the liberty of pouring you some whiskey.”

He paused.  

“A peace offering, I guess you could say,” he smiled at her charmingly.  

He had had enough marital disagreements over the years to know how to handle these situations. Better to just address it and move on than let things fester, he thought.  

“Thanks,” she said with the hint of a smile, but still clearly unhappy from their earlier exchange.

“John, you don’t need to talk with me about our conversation. I’m not your wife, you don’t owe me any explanations.”

”I’m aware of that. But I don’t like this gnawing feeling I’ve had all evening, I haven’t felt quite like this in awhile.”

”Me neither,” she said. 

He continued, “I’ve gotten very, very good at eliminating uncomfortable feelings for a long time now. I know it’s not healthy, a defense mechanism I suppose. But you’re right, it’s what makes us human, isn’t it?”

She leaned in closer and looked at him directly, then began softly, “I think you’re afraid that if you dare take off your mask, even for one moment, the masquerade ball will be over, and everyone will turn the lights on you. John, you need to remember how to  _be_ human again. That means allowing yourself to be vulnerable. To _feel_..”

She stroked his hair briefly and tenderly kissed his eyelids, just as he had done to hers before.

He let out a long sigh.

“I was thinking about our... _situation_. I suppose the reason we both got so upset with one another so quickly is because we have these...feelings for each other maybe,” he dared to say.

He looked into her eyes to gage her reaction.

She smiled. “Feelings, hmm. What _feelings_ would those be, pray tell?” she teased.

She loosened the knot on his neck tie methodically and pulled up his shirt collar.

He stared at her, fascinated. She acted as if she removed men’s neckties every day. Then she raised it over his head to remove it.

Their eyes were still locked.

He answered her, holding her shoulders with both his hands, “Feelings that I _shouldn’t_ be having, feelings like I want to put my hands in places that I _shouldn’t_ ,” he leaned in to give her a slow kiss.

...“feelings like I want to lick and suck places that I _shouldn’t_ ,” he whispered into her ear.

She closed her eyes and leaned her head back with a soft moan as he drug his mouth slowly up and down her neck, planting slow, wet kisses.

“Feelings that I certainly won’t be able to _stop_ , once I start.”

She pushed the back of his head harder against her neck and lightly stroked the back of his neck with her nails.

“Then maybe we _shouldn’t_  start them,” she said seductively.  

“Too late for that,  _Miss Crain_...”

 


	14. Captivated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short but juicy...

He slipped her dress strap down and kissed her shoulder, intermittently biting her silky skin every so often, which made her softly giggle.

Too paranoid that one of the girls would interrupt them again, he guided her up with him to stand and proceeded to carry her into the guest room.

She firmly squeezed his bicep, “So _strong_ ,” she said demurely, which fueled his sex drive ten-fold.

He smiled and offered her a deep kiss as he walked with her in his arms. 

Once they were in the room, he gently laid her on the bed and walked over to lock the door.

She went over to the window to close the curtains. “Probably not a good idea to give those guys a show,” she grinned.  

“No, not at all. They wouldn’t sleep for days, I couldn’t do that to them,” he smiled.  

They both slowly walked towards each other again and began kissing where they had left off. She pulled away for a second and began to slowly lift her cotton dress over her head.

His smile deepened and he lightly ran his index finger under her lacy bra strap, tracing it down to her breast and slipping inside the cup to graze over her nipple. He rubbed his finger back and forth and pinched it several times—it hardened in compliance. He proceeded to do the same to her other breast.  

She teasingly clutched at his waist to pull him towards her and began to _slowly_ remove his belt.

As she unbuttoned his pants and pushed them down to the floor, he reached around to her back, effortlessly unhooking her bra with one hand and tossing it onto the bed beside them.

He took a step back and smiled lustfully, taking in her topless image, wearing only black lace panties.

“I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but I have to tell you, you’re absolutely _lovely_.”

His smile faded as he proceeded to sit down on the bed and slowly pull her into him for a hug, her bare breasts resting at his head level and his hands roving over her backside, creeping underneath the lace.  

He took a nipple in his mouth and suckled hungrily while his hands explored inside her panties, his finger slightly tucking inside to feel her silky wetness.

He let out a delighted moan and slipped the nipple out of his mouth, “ _Juliana_...she’s so ready for me, I can’t believe how wet you are. You’re  _so_ sexy, _I can’t take it._ ”

She moaned in approval as he lunged his fingers deeper inside her.

“Oh _John_...oh... _take my panties off_ ,” she whined desperately.

He slid them very slowly, _painstakingly_ _slowly_ , down her legs.

She unbuttoned his dress shirt, never breaking eye contact with him, and ran her fingers indulgently over his chest.

After pushing him down onto the bed and straddling him, to his utter delight, she began rhythmically grinding on his cock.

He could barely contain himself.

She began to kiss his chest and slowly moved downward, kissing everything in her path.  

“ _God, Juliana,_ you have to stop that.” His heart was racing as he watched her at work.

She looked up at him, biting her bottom lip, no intention of stopping.

She tugged at his underwear and slipped them down until they were all the way off, then grabbed his cock firmly at the base and licked around the tip.

He moaned loudly, putting his hand on her head.

“I need to fuck you... _right now_ ,” he mumbled.

He pulled her up to him and turned her over on her back, then slowly began pushing into her.

“Ahh...you...feel... _so_...good Juliana. So _warm_ , so _wet.”_

He found her mouth again and explored it with his tongue, sinking into her deeper, thrusting with total urgency.

“I can’t stop this, you feel _so damn good_ , God, you’re so tight.”

He began slamming into her so deeply, she moaned uncontrollably. He was hitting all of the right spots.

She grabbed his ass tightly as he thrust deeper and deeper.

“ _Harder John, please, h_ _arder”—_

He couldn’t hold back anymore, “ _Juliana, I’m about to come-”_

His release was so powerful, it surged her into her own orgasm and she squeezed around him with every ounce of energy she had left.  

He collapsed onto her, burying his head into her neck.

She ran her fingers lightly up and down his back, through his hair, unable to get enough of him.

He looked up at her with a smile of complete satisfaction.

“That was _everything_ I had hoped it would be, but so much more,” he kissed her lips softly.  

“We fit together so... _perfectly_.”

She began to lightly kiss his lips, then laid her head on his chest, so warm and inviting, so deliciously masculine and comforting. 

He ran his fingers through her hair. “Perfectly,” he echoed quietly. 

 

                           ******  
  


This time, when the alarm clock rang, he slept and she awoke to turn it off.

She lightly kissed his lips to wake him. He returned the greeting with enthusiasm and deepened the kiss while he pulled her over on top of him, running his hands back and forth on her smooth back.

Within a few minutes, it was clear neither would be able to carry on without gratifying their instincts. She grabbed his cock and starting working it into her.

She was practically _dripping_ on him. She pushed him all the way up into her and sat down on him a moment, causing him to roll his eyes back in his head and moan in desperation.

She continued to slide up and down on him until they both came again.

She kissed his forehead and laid down on him, his cock still deeply buried in her. He lightly stroked her back from her backside up to her shoulders and back again. 

“What are you _doing_ to me?” he said with a satiated grin.

He pulled himself out of her then gently rolled her off his chest as he got up from the bed. “I wish I could lay in bed with you all day, I don’t want to go.” 

“Me too. I loved everything about last night, about this morning.”

“I’ve gotta get going, I’m sorry. The girls will be getting up soon, I need to be upstairs.”

He quickly gathered his pants and shirt off the floor and dressed.

“I know, it’s completely fine,” she said with a smile. 

He leaned down to kiss her lips, then silently walked out. 

                            *****  
  


John couldn’t manage to focus on anything at work that day. His thoughts kept relentlessly drifting back to Juliana.

Her body had felt so good on him, every moment with her had been pure bliss. It felt so wonderful to be pursued, to be desired the way she had desired him.

He had never had a lover so wet, so in-tune with him before.

He was captivated.

Erich knocked at the door, an unwelcomed intrusion to his thoughts.“Yes, come in,” he grumbled. 

“Oberstgruppenfuher, I wanted to inform you that we’ve seen no resistance stirrings in the last three days. I’m cautiously optimistic that we’ve succeeded in shutting them down.”

”Ah, that’s great news Erich. Well done indeed.”

”Thank you sir. Would you like me to look into getting Julia Mills set up in a new apartment? I’m sure you’re anxious to return your home to some normalcy?” 

“Yes, well, whatever normalcy can be defined as these days,” he smirked.

He couldn’t get his mind off being with her, the _last thing_ he wanted was for her to leave.

Desperate to appear indifferent, he retorted, “Sure, that’ll be fine Erich. Although there’s no reason we shouldn’t give it another week, to be certain, don’t you think?” he asked, pleased with his word choice.

Erich looked at him for a few long seconds before responding.

“Sir, please don’t think me too forward by asking this, but—

“Erich. Don’t ask,” John interrupted with a pensive tone. “We’re both grown men, let’s respect one another to not make assumptions or ask questions we don’t want to know the answers to. Are we clear here?”

Erich nodded, fully aware of his mistake, intent to not ask any more questions about Julia Mills.  

“That said, please know that I’m completely aware of my duties and responsibilities. I’m in agreement that Miss Mills should be moving on, very shortly, but I will inform you of when that needs to take place. Thank you Erich, I need to get back to my work here.”

As he left his office, John finally exhaled. 


	15. Irresistible

John walked in the front door after work and heard Amy practicing at the piano, with Jennifer nearby doing her homework at the dining room table.

He peered in the kitchen and saw Martha hovering over the stove, cooking dinner.

Juliana must be in her room, he concluded.

“Hi Daddy, how was work?” asked Jennifer.  

“Hello sweetheart. Work was pretty uneventful. How was school?”

”Eh, fine I guess,” she replied, half heartedly.

”You guess? Is there something I need to know?”

He took off his coat and hat and placed them in the coat closet. 

“No Daddy.” She paused and looked away, “Just girl stuff really,” she said casually, hoping he wouldn’t inquire more.

“Hmm, not _boy_ trouble is it?” he asked, looking at her with a glare that typically prompted her to confess anything to him instantly. 

“Well... _maybe_ ,” she said shyly.

”Young lady, you should know how I feel about boys. They aren’t worth a moment of heartache. Do you understand? I mean it.”

She nodded. “My heart isn’t broken Daddy.  It’s about a boy who likes me.”

”Jennifer, you’re only 13, far too young to be thinking about these things.” John found his jaw tightening, becoming angrier with each passing minute of the conversation. Angry with Helen. She should be here for this, he thought; she should be helping our daughter with this.

”It’s really not important. I’d rather not talk it about it right now, _please_?” she said.

He let out a defeated huff.

“Well if you need to talk to someone, Julia is just down the hall honey.”

”Ok Daddy. Thanks. Well...she’s out for a bit, but Martha said she’ll be back soon.”

John felt instantly panicked. “ _Out_? Where did she go?” he said, almost demandingly.  

“I don’t really know,” she said.

He walked into the kitchen briskly. “Martha,”

She jumped a little in surprise. “Yes sir,” she said, voice shaking.

”When did Juliana leave? Did she say where she was going?”, he asked with urgency.

”She said she was going to the market downtown. Only been gone an hour or so I suppose,” she offered, worried by his tone.  “Sir she did take an officer with her, so I wouldn’t worry.” 

He looked at her for a moment, wondering if she thought he was overly concerned for Juliana, or perhaps more.

Remembering himself, he softened his demeanor and smiled, “Good, that’s good.  After the break-in a few days ago, I still have safety concerns. Thank you Martha.”

She nodded, “You’re welcome, sir.”

She shook her head as he turned and walked away, certain that he must have feelings for the girl. She knew him well and hadn’t ever seen this side of him. 

He walked out to the front porch and grabbed a cigarette from his case as he sat down. After lighting it, he paced back and forth on the porch.

He heard Juliana’s voice as she and the officer walked down the sidewalk. He felt his stomach tighten, realizing it was his youngest, best-looking officer accompanying her.

She had a floral cotton dress on, hair off to one side in a single braid, looking effortlessly beautiful, he thought. He noticed they were both smiling and walking very comfortably. 

“Hi John,” said Juliana with a casual smile.

”Oberstgruppenfuher,” said the officer in a salute.

He noticed she had a bouquet of fresh cut flowers in hand, as well as a baguette.

John smiled cautiously, “Good afternoon Miss Mills, he held his hand out to guide her up the stairs to the porch to where he stood. She complied.

Turning around to look at the officer as she walked up, Juliana said, ”Thank you, Luke.”

”Yes Miss Mills, you’re welcome,” he said, quickly stepping out and walking towards the back of the house, desperate to avoid an unpleasant confrontation with Smith.  

John watched until he was out of sight and could be sure of privacy.

Locking eyes on each other finally, he spoke first.

“Juliana, I was so worried when I came home and you weren’t here.” He glanced around one more time to make sure there were no eyes watching, then tenderly stroked his thumb from her cheekbone down to her chin. She looked at his eyes with pure adoration, which wasn’t missed on him. 

He quickly dropped his hand from her chin and looked away as he continued.

“I’m not the type of man who has affairs, Juliana. I’ve always been a devoted husband, for almost 20 years.”  

He looked back at her with a piercing gaze, then slowly spoke again, “But you have this... this  _hold_ on me, since the day I first laid eyes on you at SS Headquarters when you sought asylum in the Reich. I found myself strangely attracted to you, even in your tattered state, and wanted to rescue you, make you safe. I don’t know what to do.”

He paused, then looked back at her. “I’ve _never_ done this before, you know?”

He remembered her words from the other day and was trying his best to allow himself to be vulnerable, expose his feelings. 

She blinked quickly and nodded as she listened to him.

“The last thing I would want to do is to hurt you, or for you to think I took advantage of you. I’ve done many things in my life I’m not proud of—I don’t want _you_ to be added to that list. You don’t deserve that.” He looked down at his feet awkwardly, humbly. 

She took a deep breath and reached down to hold his hands in hers. He rubbed his thumb over hers in reciprocation and pulled one of her hands up to his lips quickly for a light kiss, holding it against his lips as she started to speak.

“John, these last few weeks I’ve had here have been some of the happiest of my life.  You make me feel _safe_ , you bring out these womanly things in me.  I find myself wanting to _cook_ for you, wanting to _nurture_ you, wanting to _lay in your arms every night,_ have you inside me. Then, I start to feel guilty. I remember that you already have a wife, a family, a life you’ve built. And as much as I might want you, you’re not _mine._  There’s nothing I can—”

The front door opened.

John dropped her hand from his lips.

“There you guys are, Martha says supper is ready,” Amy said.

“Sure sweetie, we’ll be right in,” John said, as he pinched her cheek and smiled. “Can you put these flowers in some water?” he asked, handing her the bouquet.  

“Yes Daddy.” She walked back inside.  

“John we’d better get inside, maybe we can finish our conversation later, after the girls are in bed?”

He nodded in agreement, feeling his cock starting to harden at the prospect of being alone with her again later.  “I’d like that,” he said with the start of a smile. “ _Very_ much.”

 

                             *****  
  


A few hours later, after dinner had been cleaned up and Martha left for the day, the four of them gathered in the living room.  “Can we all play a game, it’s Friday night?” Amy asked eagerly.  

“Great idea Amy. Maybe Parcheesi?” John suggested. Everyone agreed. “Girls, why don’t you get some snacks?”, he asked.

Once they left, he looked over at Juliana.  “Would you like a drink? Wine? Whiskey?” he smiled.  

Grinning, she nodded to him, “Wine would be perfect.  I think whiskey brings out the...overly amorous side of me,” she said, seductively. 

“Ah, I see....” He paused, “And _why_ is that a problem, exactly? Another pause.  “I found the overly amorous side of you to be quite...intoxicating.”

He gave her a devilish wink as he uncorked the wine bottle and began to pour her a glass.  

“Hmm, you flatter me John,” she teased. “But I guess we should attempt to make good choices, don’t you think?”

”Of course,” he said with a serious tone. “But tonight, let’s make a few  _bad_ ones, shall we?” He handed her the glass and she gave him a demure smile.  

John sat next to Juliana on the couch. The girls came back in the room and sat down on the other side of the coffee table across from them.

As they settled into the game and everyone was having fun, John felt Juliana scoot in closer to him so that their sides were touching. He responded by deliberately squeezing her leg for a second when no one was looking.  

They both were both completely enjoying  getting to know the more playful side of the other. He noticed that Juliana was giggling a bit more and starting to relax.

He leaned over and whispered into her ear, “ _More wine, honey_?”

She felt instant butterflies upon hearing him use a term of endearment with her. She nodded, feeling herself craving to be wrapped up in his bare arms again, wanting his warmness inside her.

Her eyes followed him as he walked across the room and refilled her glass.

“No cheating while I’m not looking, ladies?” he said, playfully.

”Daddy, of _course_ not!” Any said, pretending to be offended.

”How dare you accuse us of such a crime!” Juliana scoffed.  

“I know the lot I’m dealing with... _beautiful_ , but prone to naughtiness, all of you,” he said beguilingly.  

“He’s just mad that he’s losing,” said Jennifer with a sassy tone.  “Daddy  _hates_ to lose.”

”Do _not_!”

”Do _too_!”

He handed Juliana her glass and tickled Jennifer’s side, setting her off into a series of giggles. He did the same to Amy, then sat back down by Juliana. 

“Your turn,” he smiled.

Her eyes widened and she quickly set down her wine glass as he began to tickle her waist like a high school boyfriend, making her blush in the most adorable way, driving him crazy.

“John, stop, stop!” she said while laughing uncontrollably.

The girls exchanged pleased smiles as they watched them, having no recent memory of their father acting so relaxed and playful with their mother as he was right now with Juliana. They enjoyed seeing him so happy. 

“Ok ok,” he said. “Let’s get back to the game, I need to work on beating you girls,” he laughed. 

“We’ll just see about that,” said Juliana as she proceeded to advance one of her pawns. She landed on one of Johns with a giggle.  “I’m sending you home, sorry!” she smiled.  

“I see how you are, I’ll remember that.  I won’t have _any_ mercy on you,” he said in his best villainous tone.  

She looked directly at him with and gave him a quick wink. “I could’ve predicted that,” she said, lightly tapping her index finger on his nose with a grin.  

Thoroughly enjoying the fun and flirtatious mood he was in, he decided to head out to the kitchen to refill the snacks. “Anyone need anything?” 

Everyone shook their heads.  A minute or two after he left, Juliana couldn’t resist a stolen moment with John in private.

“I think I’ll go give your Dad a hand.  Why don’t you girls go change into your nightgowns, get more comfortable,” she suggested.  

They nodded and ran upstairs together quickly.  She could see that they were really having fun too.

Juliana quietly crept up behind John in the kitchen as he poured more pretzels into a bowl. She encircled her arms around him and rubbed her hands over his chest.

“Thought I would come check on you,” she said, quite sensually. 

He put his hands over hers briefly, then turned her around and pulled her face to his for a kiss.

“I’m so glad you did,” he said, then gave her a chain of light, wet kisses on her lips. He took her hand and rubbed it firmly over his groin to reveal his hardness to her.

 _“Now_ look what you’ve done, why do you have to be so damn irresistible?”

She moaned softly, giving his cock a squeeze before grabbing the pretzel bowl.

“Better get back to the game,” she said seductively and left the kitchen.

He stood there a moment, grinning from ear to ear...each passing minute his guilt from the previous night was starting to fade away.

He had meant what he’d said earlier about not wanting to hurt her, but he no longer seemed in control of his body, his primal lusts wouldn’t be satisfied without more of her. He shifted himself in his pants and walked back out.  

                           ******

The girls were finally asleep. John stepped into the hot shower and began to lather his body with soap. He was unsuccessfully attempting to rid his mind of Juliana, grappling with his fate and unsure of his next move.

The harder he tried, the more certain he was becoming that he  _had_ to have her. _Right now._

 He toweled himself dry and decided to put only his robe on as he headed downstairs.   

He saw that her door was cracked.

He slowly pushed it open and walked inside.  She was under the covers, asleep already. The wine had probably made her drowsy and they hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before, he thought.

He took off his robe and slid into the other side of the bed. Lightly lifting the blanket, he saw that she was naked. He immediately became even harder, aching to get on top of her and slide his cock in her while she lay on her belly.  

She stirred for a moment, tossing her head back and forth, breathing heavily. She let out a scared sound and her body jerked slightly.

“ _No, no!”_ she cried out frantically. She was having a nightmare. 

“ _Shh, shh_ it’s ok sweetheart, you’re safe,” he said tenderly, stroking her head.

She turned around quickly and touched his head to see if he was real. “John!” She exhaled deeply. “I was having that horrible nightmare again.”

”I know, it’s alright now, don’t think about it anymore, _hmm_?” he said soothingly. 

She locked eyes with him a moment then they both leaned in and began a deep, long kiss that lasted several minutes. He tugged her blanket down a bit and started nuzzling into her neck and shoulders, “John, you smell so good,” she moaned softly, “you taste so good.”

After finding an earlobe and sucking on it, he reciprocated, “Mmm,  _you_ taste so good.”

He pulled her over on top of him, with her breasts on his face, and nuzzled in between them, “These are...perfect. I love these.” He took one in each hand. “I like how perfectly they fit in my hands, like they were made for me,” he said as he gave them a firm squeeze.

He sat her up on his belly, smiling at her with a look of pure lust, running his hands over her waist, around to her backside.

She reached behind her and grabbed his manhood, squeezing and stroking it firmly.  “You were quite naughty, sneaking into bed with me, so very naked...” she smiled.

He nodded, “Guilty as charged. I really did try to fight my urges, but then I decided to stop fighting.”

He twisted and moaned as Juliana had sat up and proceeded to slowly, teasingly, guide his cock inside her, inching more and more of him in each time.

“Ahh, you feel _so, so nice,_ ” he muttered.

She tossed her head back and was riding him with complete abandon, it was killing him.  She turned all the way around on him, her back turned to him, with his shaft still embedded deeply, and began sliding up and down with more urgency.  

“God you’re _torturing_ me. From this angle I can see your little ass. You’d better stop, you feel too good,” he hissed, his breathing becoming jagged and labored.

“Go ahead.  _I want you to come John.”_

Permission granted, he held onto her hips for stability and rocked her rhythmically, forcefully down on him for several minutes. As his pace began to increase rapidly, he pushed as hard and deep into her as he could, causing her to let out a loud shriek, then he released so powerfully in her that she fell forward in the bed.

He pulled out and turned her over on her back. “Are you okay?” he asked.

She nodded her head and determinedly grabbed his cock and shoved it inside of her, wrapping her legs around him to push him in as deep as she could.

He followed her lead and thrust as hard and fast as he could, sending her into her own flight of ecstasy. She tightened every muscle in her body and dug into his back as she came.

He fell down on her, no longer able to hold himself up. He brushed some stray hairs away from her face and stared at her a moment before giving her a warm, passionate kiss. 

She guided his head to lay down on her breasts. He nestled into them as if they were goose down pillows and lazily took a nipple in his mouth and suckled it while she stroked his hair adoringly.

After several minutes, he seemed to have satiated himself and turned his head the opposite direction to take in the other nipple and do the same, while she slowly traced her finger over the folds in his ear. He continued at his work for quite some time, allowing both of them enough interlude to sufficiently regain energy to continue. 

She had started to slowly writhe her waist around, intermittently releasing low moans of mounting bliss.

When he could no longer hold back, still suckling, he reached a hand down and slid two fingers inside her.

“Oh god, yes.. _.that’s it...”_ she whined deliriously as he started feverishly rubbing her bundle of nerves.

His fingers were nearly drowning, covered in a mixture of his own come, which he had abundantly pumped in her not long ago, and her come, which he was heavily drawing out of her with each suckle and rub he provided.

Neither could remember feeling such sexual ecstasy before; both wondered if they ever would again.

Juliana had never been with a lover who could read her body so well, touch her so tenderly yet roughly.

He was so unequivocally masculine, stirring primitive drives in her that she didn’t know she possessed and was now starting to crave.

Frank was always so predictable, his responses so controlled and unenthusiastic.  She’d never been _handled_ like this. Something about him drove her to comply to whatever he wanted, inspired her to offer her body to him to use as he pleased.

His growing power over her was starting to scare her.  

Sensing she was nearing climax, John bit her nipple and finally released it from his clutch as he sat up, replacing his fingers with his desperate cock and he began greedily driving into her as forcefully as he could.

He knew this time would take a while longer since he had just came not long before.

“Tell me if I’m hurting you,” he said as he continued pounding into her.

“It’s good, I love you... _in me._...” she said the last two words softly as she struggled to catch her breath.  

“What did you say?” he asked with furrowed brows. 

“I said, ‘ _I love you in me_.”

“Ohh. I love _being_ in you,” he said.

He had momentarily panicked when he initially thought she had professed love to him, but after hearing that she hadn’t, he found himself feeling slightly _disappointed_ , rather than relieved. 

His thoughts were interrupted as she urged him to thrust harder. He complied and drove her to a lengthy climax. Feeling her spasming tightly on him, he released with long, slow pumps into her. They wrapped their arms in a euphoric tangle and both submitted their bodies to sleep.  

Juliana was sound asleep when she felt several warm kisses on her mouth. The alarm had gone off, once again too early, John thought.

She blinked her eyes open and saw his image drowsily smiling down at her. He kissed her once more, then left the room.

She instantly felt an ache in her belly as she looked over at the empty bed.

Wanting more of him.

Wanting him to stay.

Wanting him to be  _hers_ and only _hers_...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two are becoming so smitten with each other, but I’m not sure how long they can keep on without conflict....let me know your thoughts ;)


	16. Happy Endings

“Lucy Collins is here to see you sir.  Should I send her away?” the officer asked John.

”No, that won’t be necessary, please have her come in.”

Lucy meekly came into his office, head down.  He noticed several bruises on her face which were fading away.  She wore a fashionable dress, as was typical for her.  

John rose from his desk and walked over to greet her with a kiss on her cheek.

“Lucy, I’m so sorry about what happened to you. To Henry.  Please have a seat.” He guided her over to a chair then sat down beside her. 

She looked out the window to her left, holding her forlorn daze for awhile before speaking.

“I trusted her. Julia. All of the women I’ve ever known have been exactly the same.” She shook her head silently.

“Not her. She was different. I was stupid enough to think she just wanted to be my  _friend_ ”, she scoffed. “All the while she was using me. Some friend.”

John let her have her moment before interjecting. He dismantled the surveillance wires.  

“You weren’t stupid Lucy. She was tracked down by the resistance and forced into doing what she did. They have come after her several times now and tried to kill her.  I know you’ve suffered a great loss, truly, and for that I offer my sincerest sympathy, as your friend. I appreciate all of the questioning you’ve been through. Several resistance members broke into my home, as I’m sure you were informed of, and ultimately that led to us finding you.  

He lit a cigarette, then added, after taking a drag.

”And you’re right, she is different than most women we know.” She noticed a brief, faraway look on his face, that made her wonder just what Juliana meant to him.

He quickly regained himself however, feeling his vulnerability.

John continued to talk to her for close to thirty minutes, discussing what had happened with Juliana, with Helen, with Thomas, his trip to Berlin.

She sensed that he was on the verge of becoming unhinged, something she was certain she’d never seen before in John Smith. 

“John, I don’t know what to say. You’ve lost so much, so quickly. I can’t even imagine. I hope things improve, sooner rather than later, for you and the girls.”

He had never questioned Lucy’s sincerity before and truly appreciated her sympathy.

A friend would serve Juliana well right now, perhaps provide a distraction from the brewing situation he found himself becoming ensnared in with her.

Things seemed to be moving _much_ too quickly there and he needed to slow them down, he told himself resolutely.

Never mind the feelings which, try as he might, he couldn’t seem to understand nor wanted to spend any time to analyze for fear of what he might uncover.

“Why don’t you join us for dinner tonight? The girls and Julia would love to see you,” he said with his infamous charm which was rarely turned down, especially by females.

She didn’t hesitate. “Of course John, that would be wonderful, thank you,” she said graciously.

 

                              ****  
  


“Hello,” Juliana said as she answered the house phone.  

“Juliana, I wanted to let you know that Lucy Collins will be joining us for dinner tonight .”

She noticed his voice was fairly flat, lacking the levity which she’d enjoyed over the last few days. 

“Lucy Collins? _You found he_ r?” asked Juliana, stunned.

”Well not me, my team did. After the break-in they were able to finally track her down. I meant to tell you. Life has been so busy and I really prefer to keep my work and personal life separate.”

“I see. Well that’s wonderful news. Only, I worry that I’m the last person she wants to see.”

”No need to worry about that. She stopped by my office and I explained everything to her.  She isn’t upset with you, she understands.”

”That’s definitely reassuring to hear.  I look forward to seeing her then.”

She wanted to say that she couldn’t wait to see _him._ He had been on her mind all day.  She ran through the whole night _over and over_ in her head.

“Very well then, I will see you this evening,” he said in a business like manner. 

_He paused._

“Juliana.” She waited, her heart sinking.

“Thanks again for all of your help around the house.”

He couldn’t do it.

He wanted to tell her that  _she’d_ been on  _his_ mind all day. That he’d enjoyed every moment with her last night, but no sense nurturing something that could never be. It would only make things harder, he reasoned. 

“Glad to help, see you in a few hours,” was all she could get out.

She hung up first. He slowly hung up after, then picked up a family picture off his desk to study it briefly before setting it back down with a sigh.

Juliana sat there by herself on the couch, legs curled underneath her, head bent down in her hands.

Why did it feel so awful? She knew it needed to end...should never have started. It was doomed from the start. What was it that always left her needing more?

In the beginning, he’d seemed like a charismatic fatherly figure, albeit mysterious and unsettling, especially when he had visited her apartment and questioned her about Hawthorne Abendson. But her growing intrigue had turned so quickly into attraction...she had never experienced anything with such intensity and passion.

Do I want him so badly because he should be unattainable? Forbidden fruit?

No, she concluded. It ran deeper than that. On so many levels he seemed perfectly compatible with her. They were both intensely loyal, passionate about their beliefs, an equal match of wits. Then there was the physical connection...the kind of lust and longing he awoke in her was unlike any she’d ever known.

The way they _moved_ and worked together when they made love, reading the other completely. Unparalleled.

She had gaged his reactions and determined that he probably hadn’t felt like this before either.  

She would follow his lead and exercise self-control...pretend, somehow, to subjugate her feelings and desires and move on, she concluded.    
  


                         *****  
  


John hung his things in the coat closet and walked directly upstairs to change for dinner.  If he could avoid her as much as possible, he could successfully shut everything down, or at least that would be his plan.  

The doorbell rang. Jennifer ran to the door, Amy followed behind.

“Girls how wonderful to see you, you’re both beautiful, as always,” she said as she hugged each girl in an arm.

“We’re so glad you’re okay,” said Jennifer. Amy took her coat and hung it up.

Juliana slowly walked down the hall, making eye contact with Lucy.  

Juliana approached her and hugged her tightly, then whispered, “I’m so, so sorry Lucy.  I never wanted that to happen to you.  I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to lay eyes on me again.”

Lucy stood back and took Juliana’s hands in hers.

“I know. You don’t need to feel bad. John explained everything.”

”You’re so understanding, thank you Lucy.  I’ve missed your friendship, truly.”

And she had.

Lucy smiled and pulled her in for another hug.

 

                                ******  
  


Dinner went well, it was light conversation. The girls thankfully kept everything flowing well as they shared stories of school dances and piano recitals.

The mild tension in the air between John and Juliana was noticeable, Lucy thought to herself as she watched them.

She couldn’t _quite_ put her finger on it and became determined to know exactly what was going on.

After a short visit in the living room following  dinner, John sent the girls up to bed and excused himself for the evening to finish some paperwork in his office.

As if she had read Juliana’s mind, Lucy asked if they could go into her room and chat.  Juliana nodded with a grin and grabbed the bottle of wine on the coffee table.

Although they were raised with different ideologies, they did share a good deal of similarities.

Juliana had always had a difficult time making friends with females, and with the exception of her sister, she couldn’t remember a woman who seemed to genuinely value her friendship like Lucy always seemed to.

She liked it.  

Having already had several glasses of wine at dinner, Lucy was beginning to loosen up and wasted no time in opening up with her once they were behind closed doors.  

“Juliana.   _What_ are you doing?” Lucy said with a small giggle as soon as they both sat down on the bed and had closed the door. 

”What do you mean?”

”I mean _you_ and _John_. You two don’t fool me for a minute.” She held a gaze with her, then smiled.

Juliana, unable to even attempt denial, revealed her cards instantly and returned the smile.

”Is it _that_  obvious?” 

“Absolutely.”

”I never planned for it to happen, I’m not the kind of woman who would even look at a married man. We just seemed to be getting closer and closer.  I couldn’t summon the strength to stop it.”

Lucy shook her head with a grin, processing the weight of what Juliana had divulged. 

“I mean, I can’t say I blame you. He’s _quite_  a catch. Always gets all the ladies hot and bothered with just a glance and that devilish smile.”

She thought on it more. “But Juliana, please _promise_ me you’ll be careful. He’s one of the most powerful men in the Reich and fiercely loyal. Whatever spell you have him under today, _just know_ , it could be broken tomorrow.  I don’t want you to be collateral damage.”

”I know. That’s why there was such tension at dinner tonight. We’re both trying to prevent that. Or at least I think so. I don’t feel like I know anything anymore. I had a boyfriend back in San Francisco, we had been high school sweethearts. I had thought he was the one. But as we got older, something always nagged at me, I didn’t know what. In the time I’ve been here with John, I’ve felt things I’ve never felt before with Frank. God don’t I wish it weren’t true. It’s horrible to have these feelings that you can’t do anything about.”

”Wait, are you saying you two haven’t...been intimate?” Lucy asked, baffled. 

Juliana took a long sip of her wine.

“We have.” She felt herself blush. “Several  times.” 

“Well then you  _have_ done something about it,” she smiled.

”Yes, I guess what I meant was that I can’t do all of the things I would like to do. It won’t be the happy ending I would dream of having.”

Lucy scoffed. “Happy endings are overrated darling. Enjoy what you have. Trust me.  Stolen moments with a man you _adore_ must be better than a lifetime of moments with someone you can barely tolerate.”

She poured a new glass of wine, then continued. “I’ve been hating myself for not feeling more upset that Henry was killed. But for most of our marriage he was quite skilled at making me feel like damaged goods. While he went to clubs and slept with strippers, I tried to be the perfect wife to him but it was never good enough,” she said, tears welling. She brushed them away quickly.  

“I always wanted to tell you that he wasn’t good enough for you. That you deserved so much more. That you were perfect just the way you were.”

Juliana looked her straight in the eyes then held her in a warm embrace. 

“Thank you Juliana. I needed to hear that.” 

They both smiled. 

“Now let’s hear the details about you and John,” she asked, like a teenager, eager to move on. 

Juliana suddenly found herself unable to stop smiling. She was typically a private person regarding these matters. 

“He’s a...what can I say, he’s... _sublime_.”

”Ahh, I _knew_ it!” She lowered her voice even more. “I always thought he was big, too. I’m dying to know... _is he?_ ” 

Juliana was shocked at her brazenness, but couldn’t keep herself from wanting to share.  She bit her bottom lip and nodded.

“Yes, _dreadfully_. And he’s quite good at using it.”

She felt the heat in her face deepen, but there no was denying the fact that she was really enjoying sharing this with Lucy. 

“Oh Juliana, how wonderful for you sweetheart! For both of you. As much as I like Helen it always bothered me that she seemed to take him for granted, his devotion to her and the kids. I’m so happy that you’ve both been able to satisfy each other, to lick one another’s wounds so to speak.” She flashed Juliana a playful smile. “Tell me more!”

They proceeded to talk for another hour, neither wanting the night to end.

John heard them talking in the front entryway and emerged from his office. “I trust you ladies have had a good time catching up,” he smiled.  Lucy I’ll have one of my officers drive you home. I’m so glad you joined us for dinner.”

”Yes I’ve had a great evening. Thank you so much for having me.”

She turned towards Juliana to give her a hug before walking out the door. “So great to see you, call me soon so we can do lunch.” 

“I will, yes so great to see you also.” 

John stepped outside a moment with her to arrange for the officer to drive her home.  When he walked back into the house, Juliana was walking down the hall. 

Seeing that she was quickly walking to her room, he called out. 

“ _Juliana_. Wait—”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn’t quite as indulgent as the previous two, but serves to advance the plot a bit and re-introduce a familiar character;)


	17. Soul Searching

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all my fellow Obergrupana fans, I want to pass on an awesome video of J&J that I just discovered on YouTube. There are 3 MITHC 360 videos and one of them is when John visits Juliana’s apartment...it’s sooo good. Rufus’ voice is so amazingly hot, you could hear a pin drop during the scene! Check it out! 💋

The sound of his voice stopped her dead in her tracks.

She slowly turned around and he was already there. She wondered if she’d have the self-control she’d _hoped_ for.   

“Yes?”

“Can we talk a minute?” 

Wanting to appear nonchalant, she nodded her head.

“Sure.”

He led her out to the living room and motioned for her to sit on the couch. He chose to sit in the arm chair, a little further down, not trusting himself to sit any closer.

It was all he could do to bring himself to have this discussion in the first place.

After clearing his throat, he began.

“Juliana, what would you think about living with Lucy?”

He hadn’t made eye contact with her since he had sat down. “I think you both would be safer together. I don’t like the idea of you living alone.”

He hated to do it.  _God he hated to do it._ But it had to be done.  

She felt an instant lump in her throat.

Not wanting to show her disappointment, she realized she had been staring at him and she looked away quickly, nodding.

“Yes, sure...that should work out well. Have you spoke to her about it?”

”Not yet, but she seems to really enjoy your company so I’m guessing she’ll welcome the idea,” he said awkwardly.  

“Juliana,” he continued, with a more sympathetic tone, “It’s not something I’m _happy_ about doing. But given my position in the GNR, my every move is watched-you know that. I wish I were above suspicion, but unfortunately I’m not. I have to hope that if Helen returns, we may be able to salvage what’s left of our union, if there’s anything left to save. I owe that to my girls.”

He was raking his hands through his hair now, clearly uncomfortable with having the conversation.

”John, I truly respect that. I think that’s perhaps one of your finest qualities—your devotion and love for your family. Please don’t feel the need to ever justify that to me. I made my own choices, fully aware of the situation.”

She meant what she said and he knew it.  

“Thank you Juliana. And I think your compassion and empathy are perhaps _your_ finest qualities.”

He couldn’t manage to quell a small smile from forming, then added, “And I can think of a _few_ more, but that may lead us to trouble again”...

She returned the smile. Immediately.  

“You’re right— _it would_.”

Her face grew serious again. “Speaking of Helen...do you think she’ll be returning soon?”

”I’d like to say ‘yes’ but honestly, I’m not sure.  Her absence is starting to wear on me. I know Himmler will be calling me any day now, demanding answers.”

”John, please don’t think me too bold, but in the time I’ve spent here and gotten to know you, you don’t seem to be enjoy your job. Would that be a fair assumption?”

He stared at her for several long seconds before answering.

“Yes. That _is_ bold. How do I know that you won’t one day use my response against me?” He was teasingly testing her loyalty, but still very much analyzing her answer.

”John, I think we’re well beyond that, don’t you? You know I wouldn't do anything to place you or your family in danger.”

He nodded. “To answer your question—No, I  _don’t_ like my job. But wartime finds people in situations and life paths they couldn’t have ever imagined. _Ever._ At the time, I didn’t have any good options and it seemed this was the only way I could save my family. So I did what I felt best and tried not to analyze it too much or I’d fail.”

He had his head down and was shaking it.  “As you said before, I’ve had this mask on so long, it’s fused to my face. To remove it now would mean certain death for myself and my family.”

“Oh John. _I know_. I’ve seen it from the first  time I met you. I’ve have my doubts, but I knew my gut was telling me the truth. The weight of carrying that on your shoulders much be crushing.”  

It felt good to purge his truth to her, to  confide in her. Helen had been the only human being up until this moment who knew these things. Erich Raeder had a few suspicions, but he never dared ask or even insinuate at such.  

Desperate to unburden himself further, he continued.

“I never wanted any of this. After fighting  _against_ the Nazi’s and living through the horrific things I had already experienced during the war, I knew I had to be on the Reich’s side- for my family’s preservation. I never thought it would turn out this way. That I would continue to get more and more _embedded_ and climb the ranks to the top. That the very machine that I allowed my children to become indoctrinated into would one day prove to be their demise.”

He had become teary as he allowed himself, finally, to feel the depths of his anguish.

Grief for his son, for his marriage, the gut-wrenching irony of his life’s failed efforts. 

”A cruel joke I suppose,” he mused at the revelation. “I gave it all to the Reich and now the Reich is taking everyone, everything that I did it all  _for.”_

He quickly blinked away his tears, but then began sobbing, truly sobbing, as all of the realizations converged on his soul at once.

Juliana gently reached for one of his hands and pulled him onto the couch beside her. Tucking his head into her neck, he allowed  himself to succumb to her comforting arms. She held him against her firmly, lightly rocking him, the way he had rocked her when she’d had her nightmares.  

“John...John..that’s it, just feel it. _Let it go_.” He continued to cry for a minute or so more.

_Feeling it...feeling it...letting go._

When the intensity of his grief had finally begun to calm, she wiped the tears away from his face and kept stroking his hair.

 _This_ is what he didn’t know he had needed from his wife, but never got. Perhaps, what she’d needed from him, and likewise, never got...he was realizing.

They sat there in silence for another minute as he attempted to regain some semblance of composure.  

Still breathing heavily, he pulled back from her embrace and stared hopelessly into her eyes, clinging to her as if his life depended on it. His need for redemption becoming more urgent with each second that passed.

When he looked into her eyes he saw pure compassion and it comforted his weary soul.  

“Lately I feel like my king is constantly in check. Just when I manage to maneuver my way through one crisis, another arises just as quickly.

“Juliana, I’ve played a terrible, dangerous game and I’m losing.”

His humanity was so transparent it almost frightened her.  

“John, you made the best choice you could at the time. When we love our family passionately, we don’t see past wanting to keep them safe, whatever the cost. Like me with Trudy. I wasn’t trying to align myself with the resistance, but I felt I owed it to her to find out what she gave her life for.”

He sat there listening, wanting to understand her, wanting to _be_ understood.

He was villainous to those who hated him; lionized and glorified by those who believed the lie he lived—but truly understood by no one it seemed, _except Juliana_.

He rubbed her arm lightly, tenderly as he spoke.

”Have you ever been sailing, Juliana?”

”No. I’ve always wanted to though.”

”Something is compelling me to sail again.  There’s nothing quite like it. It’s good for the soul.”

He had a distant look in his eyes that intrigued her, compelled her to find out more.

So she did.

They spent the next few hours getting to know one another, their pasts, their presents-likes, dislikes. John told her about his life growing up and before the war. Juliana shared with him about her life as a girl growing up in California, about going to the Dojo and learning martial arts, about her sister and family.  

Feeling emboldened as their conversation wore on, he couldn’t help his curiosity.

“You haven’t mentioned Frank,” he asked, with a raised eyebrow. 

“I don’t remember telling you his name.”

He flashed her a small grin.

“Ah, well, didn’t you think I did some research into your life in San Francisco darling? That happened when you first came here,” he said matter-of-factly.

She nodded, suddenly feeling slightly uneasy as she remembered who was speaking with.  

Quickly assessing his motives, she decided he was most likely acting in jealousy rather than unsavory reasons.

”Well, not much to tell I suppose. He’s been in my life since I was in 12th grade, but more  due to my loyalty than passion really... I suppose I didn’t really do him any favors by staying with him when my heart wasn’t in it anymore...or perhaps never had been like it needed to be.” 

“Hmm, interesting.” He paused. “I may be speaking out of turn here, but if you were mine—I don’t think I could help myself from taking a knee and asking for you to marry me. Maybe I’m old fashioned that way,” he said, offering her his green eyes, filled with longing.

Her eyes dropped from his eyes to his mouth, and back up. Then with supreme restraint, she held back her kiss and found her resolve to keep her heart intact as she looked away.

“John— _don’t_.”

”Don’t what?”

”Don’t do that—you’re saying all these things, the right things. But we both know that I’m just a convenient distraction for you. Someone to help you get through your crisis, but completely disposable if my usefulness runs out.”

Her words stung him.

Despite his best efforts, John knew he was falling for her.  _Hard._  It had been so many years since he’d had these feelings, but they were unmistakable.

Weary of fighting his instincts obediently for so much of his life, he craved the path of least resistance. Yet, he would follow her lead... Deny his feelings, no one was better than _he,_ after all. 

He sighed and looked away from her, skillfully putting the walls back up that she had helped him start to take down.

“I’m sorry you feel that way Juliana,” he responded, flatly. 

”I think I need to go to bed, John. Please let me know when you finalize the arrangements with Lucy.”

 _She hated to do it. God she hated to do it._ But it had to be done.

He nodded his head. “Goodnight, Juliana.”

It had to happen, he should be thanking her for allowing him an easy escape plan, he thought. But this hurt.

He walked upstairs, never looking back once.

After turning down the sheets and crawling into the bed that they had just shared the night before, she lay there—unable to subdue the awful knot growing in her stomach. It was the right thing to do— but she didn't imagine it would feel like _this._

 

                            *****  
  


The next morning, shortly after the girls had left for school, the phone rang. Martha answered then motioned for Juliana to take the call. 

”Hello”

”Juliana, it’s Lucy. Good morning. John spoke with me about living arrangements with you and I—I think it’s a wonderful idea, don’t you?”

”Yes, yes I do. Thank you so very much for opening your home.”

She hoped she had disguised her disappointment well enough. 

“It’s my pleasure. Whenever you’re ready, my door is open sweetie.

”I don’t want to upset the girls without giving them notice, they’ve been through so much. Maybe tomorrow evening, after dinner.”

”That’ll be just fine. John can give you the address. See you then,” she said cheerfully.

Juliana slowly hung up the phone. Well, that was it, she thought. One thing settled, next she would need to find a job.

She continued to immerse herself in her tasks, refusing to allow other thoughts entry.

She skimmed through the newspaper and circled several job opportunities that she’d found.   

Martha set down the laundry basket and walked over to where Juliana sat at the kitchen table.

“I know we got off on the wrong foot, but for what it’s worth, I haven’t seen John or the girls this happy in a long time—despite the awful circumstances. I noticed Mr. Smith had a twinkle in his eye that was quite nice. Thank you for helping them.”

Juliana nodded appreciatively.

Martha continued, “Good luck to you. If you ever need anything, you know where to find me.”

”Thank you, that’s very kind. I appreciate your patience in attempting to impart a bit of culinary knowledge on a hopeless case like me.”

They exchanged smiles. Juliana delighted in Martha’s revelation.

It felt good to hear someone else’s observations about the situation with John. 

After showering and putting on her smartest outfit, she stepped outside the front door, gloves in hand.

As she walked out, an officer headed towards her. “Good afternoon Miss Mills. Heading out somewhere?”

”Good afternoon. Yes, I have a job interview.  I think I can manage on my own.”

”Sorry Miss, Oberst-Gruppenfuher gave explicit instructions that I am to accompany you if you need to leave.”

”I see. Well I’m sorry to trouble you, hopefully it won’t take too long. What happened to Luke?”

”It’s no trouble, orders are orders. Oberst-Gruppenfuher re-assigned him.”

”Hmm, alright.”

She wondered if it had to do with the day she’d gone to the market with him—if John had been jealous. If he had been, he didn’t inquire about their outing. She decided to not over-analyze it.

“Shall we?” she asked.

 

                            ****  
  


Juliana walked out of the diner with a smile on her face. 

“I got the job. They needed someone to start this Friday and I have a little bit of restaurant experience,” she told the officer.

”Excellent, congratulations Miss Mills,” he said.

”Not my ideal job, but it’s a job, so I’m grateful.”

”Yes, well contributing to the Reich in whatever way we all can is the key, not personal happiness.”

She nodded, eager to move on. “Tell me, are you familiar with this part of town?”

”Actually I am. There is an interesting GNR museum just two blocks this way, a library right across the street, and SS Headquarters is just a block over that way.”

”Well then, plenty for me to explore for sure, thank you.”

John would be so close to her, maybe too close. No reason for him to see me though. It’s better that way. _.._ she told herself, tryingto believe her own lie.       
  


                              ****  
  


That evening, John walked in from work to a quiet house.

He looked around—no trace of anyone.

He knew that Juliana had returned home several hours ago as he had instructed his officer to inform him.  

He heard Amy giggling and realized she was outside, playing with the dog. Martha was out with her as well.

He walked upstairs and heard Juliana and Jennifer talking in Jennifer’s room. He stood in the hall, out of sight, and listened in on them for a moment. 

“But how do I know if I should kiss him?” Jennifer asked.

”First of all, you have your whole life to think about boys, you should focus on your studies, your friends...things like that. As for knowing about a kiss, it’s not something you really think about, rather something you feel compelled to do, if it’s the right moment and person.”

John smiled to himself, pleased with Juliana’s response, grateful for her help with the girls.

His mind drifted to their kisses—he supposed that she felt  _he_ was the right person when they’d first kissed. That she felt compelled to kiss him, as he had felt compelled to kiss her.  

“Thanks Julia. Also, I forgot to tell you, Mr. Carter, my math teacher, asked about you the other day. He wanted to know if you were seeing anyone. I told him I wasn’t too sure.”

“Oh really? Thanks for telling me. Uh..well..no I’m not, but I’m not sure that he would be a good match for me. I wouldn’t bring it up again unless he asks you.”

John felt himself clenching his teeth. He walked into his room quietly, hearing them get up to walk out.

 

                             *****  
  


Dinner was typical. Everything went well until John told the girls that Juliana would be leaving. Amy shot up from the table and ran to her room immediately, in protest. 

”I feel the same way as her,” Jennifer added, “I don’t want you to go, but I understand Julia. I’m sure you want to find a husband and get married then have a family.”

John’s stomach flipped as he thought about the series of events Jennifer had laid out. He knew she would need to marry, sooner or later to truly solidify herself in the Reich. With her looks it wouldn’t take long. 

“It’s true, Jenny, I do want those things and I do need to move on—I have so enjoyed my time here, getting to know all of you. I hope I will still be able to see you, from time to time.”

”Will we Daddy? Please? I can’t stand the thought of not seeing her again,” pleaded Jennifer.

”Of course sweetheart. In fact, I asked Erich if we could take his Uncle's sailboat out this Sunday. Maybe Julia could come along.”

He looked over at her.

”Thanks very much for the invitation, but I just got a job today at a diner downtown and I start Friday. I’m not sure if they’ll need me Sunday.”

”Ah you got the job, congratulations. I was informed that you had an interview but I didn’t know if you got it. Where is it?”

”Waverly Diner.” She looked at him directly to gage his response. 

He returned her gaze immediately, then attempted to appear causal.

“Ah, on 9th avenue, between West 43rd and West 44th street.  I know the place.” 

                         *****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the plot thickens...


	18. Smooth Sailing

The next evening, the girls quietly cleaned up the dinner dishes. There was a noticeable melancholy feeling in the air. Juliana would be leaving when dinner was finished to go to Lucy’s.  

John watched the girls, feeling the same as them.

“Come on now girls, Julia worked hard to make her first pie for us.”

”She’s  _never_ made a pie before?” Jennifer asked, bewildered. Juliana continually amazed the girls with her lack of knowledge in domestic undertakings—all of the women in their lives were well versed in these matters.

”Things are different in the Pacific States Jenny. Girls aren’t always taught those things.” 

“I suppose, just seems strange.”

“She’ll be back from her room any minute now. Jennifer, why don’t you grab four bowls and spoons. Amy, you can get the vanilla ice cream out of the freezer.” They nodded and did as they were told.  

Juliana set her bag by the front door and walked back to the kitchen.

“Oh good, let’s have the pie. Now please, keep your expectations very low, I’m not a good baker,” She smiled, trying to lighten everyone’s moods, herself included. 

“Don’t sell yourself short, I’m sure it will be delicious,” John offered kindly.

“Mmm, this _is_ good Julia,” said Amy after taking her first bite.

”You did a great job,” John said, “Maybe the best I’ve ever had.” The smile that he gave her made her wonder if he was referring to the pie.

After they finished up their dessert, Juliana hugged both girls in the front entryway.

“Girls, Lucy’s house is two blocks away. You can come and see me anytime, _that is,_ if it’s alright with your father.”

He quickly nodded, “Yes of course.”

Satisfied with that, the girls smiled and went upstairs to bed. 

Juliana grabbed her bag. John reached to take it off her shoulder.

“I can get that. I’ll walk you there. The girls are fine here with my men outside.”

”John it’s okay, you don’t need to do that. Can’t I have one of them go with me? I’m sure you’re tired after a long work day.”

”I know I don’t  _need_ to do it, I  _want_ to do it.”

She looked at him with a restrained smile. Dammit she’d been so strong, now this.

“Suit yourself,” she said. 

They strolled quietly for most of the walk. He wanted to grab her hand, pretend that they were in another reality and he was her boyfriend, walking her home from a date. 

Too risky, he thought. He and his family were well known in the neighborhood. Someone could be out walking their dog, visiting on their front porch, anything. 

They walked up Lucy’s driveway slowly, with a post-date are-we-going-to-kiss feeling.

He walked her up the three steps, right to the front door. 

“John. I don’t know what to say. Thank you seems inadequate. Your kindness was unexpected—I’m truly grateful.”

He set her bag down on the porch. “It’s me that should be saying thank you, for all you did for Thomas, the girls... _for me._ ”

A pause. 

“I’m going to have two officers posted here for awhile. With both of you being threatened by the resistance, this house is a prime target. I plan to continue with two at my house also. Based on the intelligence I’ve been given, I believe there shouldn’t be any problems...but I couldn’t forgive myself if something happened.”

She nodded coyly. “Thank you John.” 

After she reached down to pick up her bag, he moved in to hug her. God he smelled good. Old Spice probably _,_ she thought.

“Goodnight, Juliana.” 

He planned to only kiss her cheek, didn’t mean to provoke anything else, but upon feeling her soft face he couldn’t resist planting a light, chaste kiss on her mouth.

His warm lips felt so good. She pulled her head back. “John, please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.”

Her heart was nearly pounding out of her chest. 

He nodded.

She closed her eyes and rested her forehead against his chin. He rubbed her arms lightly, then kissed her forehead.  

“Better not keep Lucy waiting,” he said.

He whispered into her ear, “ _Sleep well_.”

She had small goosebumps all over her arms.

”Goodnight John.” 

As she watched him walk away, hands in his pockets, she thought about how irresistibly sexy he was.  Alpha-male, seeping with masculinity and power—yet excruciatingly tender and soft. It had taken every ounce of will-power to deny him.   
  


                                ******  
  


Lucy was very accommodating. Her house was very nice, decorated with a modern, sophisticated touch and spacious.

There was a large living room area and deck off the kitchen  for entertaining—she and Henry were well-known for their extravagant parties. 

Juliana’s guest room was quite large as well, with a bathroom and separate sitting area with a cozy fireplace.  

After a long day, she was more than ready for bed and only visited with Lucy a short while. Tomorrow was her first day at the new job and she wanted to get some rest. 

She rolled onto her side and squeezed the pillow she had between her legs, thinking  about John as she tried to fall asleep. Wishing his warmth was next to her. Fantasizing about their sexual escapades.

Had she made a mistake? She thought a moment. No, he was the one that wanted this, arranged for me to move in with Lucy, not _me._

Too tired to give it more thought, she drifted to sleep.   
  


                            *******  
  


Juliana’s first few days on the job went well. Her boss seemed reasonable, the co-workers helpful. The work was easy. Her thoughts drifted to the diner where she briefly worked in the neutral zone, to Joe Blake and their time together there. She realized she had been remiss in asking John about his whereabouts; she’d meant to, but she sensed that he had jealous tendencies so she never had found the right time.  

Not far away from her, John stood by the window in his office at SS Headquarters, looking down at the street below...wondering how her job was going. _Missing her already._

The house lacked the warmth and comfort he had become accustomed to in the month she’d stayed with them. 

He picked up his phone and dialed Lucy Collins.  

“Hello Lucy.”

No mistaking that voice, she thought.

”Hello John, how are you?”

”Very well thank you. Is Juliana home?”

”No, she said she was working the late shift tonight.  She may not be in until after 10.  Can I take a message for her?”

”Yes, actually. I was calling to see if she’d be able to go sailing tomorrow. Lucy, would you like to join? I know it’s last minute, but we’d love to have you. My colleague Erich Raeder will be with us also. I think you two will get along quite well. What do you say?”

”Sure, I’d love to. Juliana told me she is off tomorrow, so she should be able to go. Can I pack a picnic basket for us?

”That would be wonderful, thank you. I’ll be by tomorrow morning at 8:00 to pick you ladies up.”

”Thanks, see you then John.”

Lucy bit her bottom lip and grinned to herself when she hung up. She remembered Erich from when she was detained and being questioned. He was very handsome, she’d thought at the time. Did he remember her, she wondered.    
  


                             *****  
  


Lucy knocked on Juliana’s door softly the next morning. Juliana rubbed her eyes as she put her robe on and answered her door.  

“Good morning dear, how’d you sleep?” asked Lucy. 

”Great, thank you. Thank you for being such a kind hostess.”

”No need to say thank you, I’m so happy to have you here. It can become nerve-wracking to be in this big home all alone.”

”Ah, I bet. A great fit for us both.  

“Juliana, do you know Erich Raeder? 

“Know him? Can’t say that I do. But I’ve encountered him several times now.”

”And..your thoughts on him?”

”Well...I didn’t really see him in the best  circumstances so my opinion would be fairly biased, I’m afraid. But I believe John finds him very trustworthy and loyal.”

”Fair enough.” Lucy smiled. “I’ve always had a weakness for men in uniform.”

Juliana smiled.

To think of the Nazi uniform as attractive in any way seemed a repulsive concept—but in spite of herself she  _did_ find John quite debonair when he was clad in his full regalia.   

“I know what you mean. If I’m being honest, I would never have said that before coming to the Reich, but after getting to know John, I can’t disagree with you.” They giggled.

“Juliana, you make me laugh, you really do.”

”Thanks, glad I can bring some humor to your life,” she smiled, then glanced at the clock, “We’d better get going, they’ll be here soon.”

Lucy nodded. “Juliana, do you need to borrow something to wear for today? I know you haven’t really had a chance to do much shopping.”

”That would be wonderful, thank you.”

”My pleasure, I’ll bring you a few options—and if you ever need anything else, my closet is always open,” she smiled and left the room.

Lucy brought her three dresses. She chose a light blue cotton one which accentuated her small waist and curves nicely, however comfort was her primary motivation. 

John arrived a few minutes before 8:00, wearing khaki pants and a white linen shirt which had several buttons open at the top, and a straw fedora. The girls stayed in the car while John got out to knock on the door. Juliana answered.

He tipped his hat as she answered the door, “Good morning Juliana, I’m so glad you could make it.” His eyes quickly roved her from top to bottom. “That’s a nice dress, perfect for sailing.”

”Thank you, you look quite nice yourself.  Good to see you in casual clothes, I must say,” she smiled.

Lucy came up behind Juliana with the picnic basket. “Ah, Lucy, let me get that for you,” he took the basket and motioned towards the car. “Someone can sit in the passenger seat and someone in back with the girls.” Lucy darted a glance towards Juliana. 

“I’d like to visit with the girls, Juliana you sit up front.”

Juliana nodded and John opened the door for her. They had a leisurely car ride. John noticed Juliana glancing over at him several times and it served to bolster his spirits very nicely. This was the first time they had gone on an outing, with the exception of dress shopping with Jennifer; both were looking forward to spending time with the other, as they’d been missing one another immensely.   

Erich was waiting for them at the marina on West 79th street, anxious to formally meet Lucy and extremely curious to see how John and Juliana interacted. He had briefly seen Lucy being questioned through the two-way mirror in the observation room and in passing two other times, but had never spoken with her.

After a few minutes of introductions, John proceeded to help everyone into the boat and they set out. Though Erich had been out on his Uncle’s boat several times, he had no sailing experience himself, so John would be captain for the day.  

Erich and Lucy both appeared to be instantly taken with the other, something which John had felt certain would happen. He knew Erich had been wanting to settle down, but hadn’t found the right girl.  Not that he had really given it much effort, as his work almost entirely consumed his life. And Lucy, he had always felt, deserved better than Henry.  

About 30 minutes into the trip, John motioned for Juliana to join him where he stood at the helm. Erich and Lucy were chatting at the opposite end of the boat and the girls were occupied looking for wild life in the water. 

“You’re a good sailor, John. I can tell you really love it,” she smiled. How handsome he looked at the wheel, she thought; so relaxed, with the wind blowing his shirt just enough to reveal some of his dark chest hair. 

”Thank you. My father had a boat when I was young. Sometimes when life would get too busy, he and my brother and I would take the boat out—get away from it all and escape for an afternoon.” He smiled to himself.  “Some of my fondest memories were on that boat.”

”Sounds like it. It’s memories like that that we have to wrap around us like a warm blanket when life gets unbearable.”

”Too true. You have a way with words Juliana.  You always seem to know the right thing to say.”

She offered him a sweet smile. 

“I want to teach you a few things about boating—after all, I do need a First Mate.” He winked at her and she offered him a coy look.

”Ok, so the front of the boat is called the bow, the rear of the boat is the stern. When you’re facing forward like we are, anything to the left of the boat is called port.  Anything to the right is called starboard.” Juliana nodded, quite enjoying her lesson. 

“This big wheel here is the helm, it steers the boat and controls the rudder.” He pointed up at the largest, triangular sail, “That is the mainsail, as you would guess it’s the most important sail on the boat—this thick pole that runs along the bottom edge is the boom. This other sail is a jib, and is always found forward of the mast—it doesn’t have a boom like the mainsail.”

”There’s so much to know, I had no idea.”

”Ah, it’s not too bad, once you practice. Here, why don’t you take the wheel,” he guided her over to stand in front of him as he placed his hands over hers and directed her. “I always stand on the windward side of the cockpit, it allows me the best view of the sails and the boat’s surroundings.”

”Oh John, this is magnificent. I’ve never experienced anything like this. So exhilarating,” she took in a deep breath. “I never want this moment to end.”

His face grew serious and he dared to give her waist a quick squeeze. “Neither do I, darling...neither do I.”

”I’ve forgotten how much I truly miss this.” He looked down at her face, so naturally beautiful, the breeze blowing loose strands of hair across her face. “Being here with you, with the girls. I haven’t felt this free in so long.” He paused, contemplating if he should verbalize his thoughts. He looked behind him to ensure their privacy. “I’ve missed you this week,” he said softly. 

Without hesitation, she echoed his sentiment, “I’ve missed you too, John. When can I see you again? I need to feel you...inside me.”

He reveled in her words and felt his libido rapidly gearing up. “I need to feel your warmth, Juliana.”

She pushed back into him, gently but with firmness, aware that no one else on the boat but him would know. She smiled to herself as she felt him press his hardness into her. “You’re quite a naughty sailor, are all captains so  _friendly?”_ She giggled. 

“They are when their first mate looks as sexy as you do behind the wheel,” he said, pouting his lips teasingly. 

Amy walked over to them and they both instantly snapped out of their reverie and back to reality. “Daddy I’m getting hungry, are we going to stop to eat soon?”

”Sure honey. I don’t think we’re far from Governors Island, we can stop there.”

 

                              *****  
  


They anchored and got off the boat. All of the girls walked ahead to set up the blanket and picnic. Erich and John finished up securing the boat.

”So, Erich, things appear to be going well with Lucy.”

”Yes sir, she’s very pretty and we’ve had nice conversation. I think I’d like to see her again, maybe take her out to dinner.”

”No need to address me as ‘sir’, we’re not working today Erich.” He smiled. “That’s wonderful, I’ve wanted you to find a nice girl for awhile now.  My instincts told me she would be a good fit.” 

Erich nodded. “Thank you John, I appreciate that.”

”I think I misjudged Juliana. She seems lovely. It can be difficult amid all of the noise to decipher genuine authenticity.”

”Yes. Absolutely. I originally sponsored her citizenship for selfish purposes, but at every opportunity she came to the defense of my family and has proven nothing but helpful to me in the midst of my tragedies.” A small smile crept onto his face and he looked out at the water. 

Erich was beginning to see the depth of John’s connection with her. “Well it’s fortunate she came into your life then. I can see that you’re happy and relaxed in a way I haven’t seen you in so long.”

”Yes.” 

“Looks like they are calling us over to eat.”

John nodded.  

                           ***** 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to get John back on a sailboat, based on the reference made during the V-Day episode in season 1...who better than Juliana to enjoy that with him, right?! 😘


	19. Date Night

The rest of the afternoon went well. There was an easy chemistry among everyone in the group. Lucy felt more at ease in Juliana’s company than she ever had with Helen. She’d always felt as though she had to impress her and remain in her good graces in order to stay in keeping with her social status, but she could be herself with Juliana.

As for Erich, Lucy was instantly enamored; albeit he was considerably straight laced in comparison to Henry, she thought, but he was a perfect gentleman—that was something she could certainly get used to. 

Jennifer and Amy were having the best time they’d had in awhile. Seeing their father so peaceful and good humored was a much needed tonic after the emotional stresses they’d endured over the last month. 

About twenty minutes away from their return to the marina, an SS Kriegsmarine patrol boat pulled up beside them. John had seen them approaching for the last five minutes and was hoping they’d let them pass without interrogation. No such luck, he thought, as they turned on their lights and approached. 

“ _Halt_! Show your documents and registration.”

Having not recognized John or Erich upon first glance, as they were in their lay clothes, the officer quickly saluted once John’s gaze met his. 

“Oberst-gruppenfuher! I did not realize, I’m sorry.”

“No harm done,” John said with a smile, handing him the necessary papers. 

The officer briefly glanced at the documents and handed them back. “Be careful, a storm is fast approaching.” 

“Thank you, Matrosengefrieter. We are heading back now.”

”Heil Himmler.”

”Heil Himmler.”

John was glad to be done with the encounter, although concerned for possible repercussions. 

Erich looked at John once the patrol boat was further away from them.The girls were all in the back of the boat.

“Do you think anything will come of it John?”

”We’ll see. Hard to tell. At this point, I consider the day much needed therapy. I’ll deal with it if I need to.” 

Erich nodded. “Agreed.”

”I appreciate you arranging this Erich. It’s been a wonderful day. Thank you.”

”You’re welcome. Yes, it’s been great. And thank _you_ again for setting things up with Lucy.”

John grinned, feeling pleased with his matchmaking.

“We all deserve something nice to come home to. Something to make the fight worth fighting.” He glanced over to Juliana. 

“Indeed. We do.” Erich returned the smile.

 

                          ******

                                                                  The next week passed quickly. Juliana had worked almost every day and was settling into the new job and life with Lucy. Most of her evenings, she’d either gotten home late from the diner, showered and headed to bed, or she and Lucy had stayed up watching television or talking.

She missed John. They’d had such a nice time sailing, but she hadn’t heard from him since. Was he busy with work? Was he in some kind of trouble? It didn’t matter, she concluded.

She couldn’t spend any more of her life pining after a man who wasn’t hers. A man who was married with children. A man who her involvement with could result in her death. 

The following Wednesday, Erich resolved to call Lucy to ask her out on a date for Saturday night. She accepted, perhaps too enthusiastically, she thought, after she’d hung up the phone.

But she didn’t care, all she could think about was seeing him again. It’d been _years_ since she’d been on a date and never with someone quite as handsome. Except for Tommy Hoffman in 11th grade, but he’d turned out to be a cad.

She had a good feeling about Erich though. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but she knew he was different. A _good_ different.

She smiled to herself as she looked in the mirror and began to apply her favorite red lipstick. She puckered her lips and straightened her dress before walking out of her room.

Juliana had just walked in from work and was taking off her shoes. “

“ _Ooh la la_ , don’t you look nice!” 

“Well thank you, you’re a doll,” Lucy said with a smile. “He’s taking me to that fancy German restaurant, Zur Haxe, then to a show. I can’t wait! He’ll be here any minute now to pick me up.”

”Lucy that’s wonderful. I’m sure you’ll have a great time, he seems very nice.”

”I hope so, thanks. So how was work?”

”Eh, just okay. Tips weren’t very good today, but that’s how it goes.”

”I’m sorry honey. Don’t forget there’s leftovers in the fridge.” 

”I already ate at work but thanks.”

”Okay, well don’t throw any parties without me tonight.” 

Juliana giggled. “The only party I plan on having is with a glass of wine and a bubble bath.”

Lucy smiled as she slipped on her heels.

“Enjoy it dear, you’ve had a long week.”

Sensing that something was off with Juliana, she walked over and grabbed her hands,  looking at her directly.  

“Hey. Try not to think about John, _okay_? I’m sure he’s been busy with work. You know how important his job is...there were many nights that Helen told me she was already asleep by the time he’d come home.”

She nodded. “I can only imagine.” She looked away and sat down on the couch. “I hate myself for longing for him. I’ve tried very hard to get him out of my mind.”

”Dear, I don’t think he’s on your mind. I think he’s in your  _heart._  The way that you look at him...he’s not just a fling. It’s deeper than that.”

She sat down beside Juliana on the couch.

“I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but I think it’s the same for him. The way he acts around you—” She shook her head. “He never acted like that around Helen, and trust me, I spent a lot of time with them.”

”But Lucy he—

The doorbell rang. “That’ll be Erich. Let’s talk more later sweetie,” Lucy said, as she opened the door. Erich had a bouquet of flowers in hand. 

“Lucy, you look beautiful,” he said as he handed her the flowers. 

“Thank you Erich, you’re quite handsome tonite yourself. These flowers are lovely! I’ll just put them in some water, excuse me a moment.”

”You’re welcome.” He noticed Juliana sitting on the couch. “Hi, how are you?”

”Great, thanks. Sounds like you and Lucy have a wonderful night ahead of you.”

”Yes we do, I’ve been looking forward to it. After all she’s been through, I’m happy to brighten her spirits.”

He seemed genuine enough, Juliana thought. “That’s kind of you. Yes she definitely deserves a nice evening. Hope you have a great time. Thanks again for the wonderful day on the sailboat, I really enjoyed myself.”

”You’re welcome, it was a great day.” He looked down for a second, then spoke. “Juliana I’m sorry for my roughness with you at Headquarters. I was just doing my job you know, I hope there’s no hard feelings.”

He didn’t have to apologize, but she could tell he wanted to make things right. 

“It’s alright. You were following orders. No need to apologize.”

”Thank you.”

Lucy walked back out from the kitchen and grabbed her purse off the table. “See you later, enjoy your night of relaxation.”

”Thanks, you two also!”

She watched briefly as they walked out into the driveway. Erich opened the passenger door for her. Juliana smiled to herself. Yes- this seemed like a man who would be good for Lucy, or at least she truly hoped.   
  


                         *******  
  


A few hours later, after doing some housework, Juliana lit two candles then began filling the bathtub with water. She had her own bathroom within her guest room so she felt quite luxurious.

She glanced at the clock, only 9:00. Lucy probably wouldn’t be home for another few hours. She poured herself another glass of wine and slowly began to shed her clothes.   

Every muscle and joint began to loosen up as she lowered herself into the clawfoot tub. She held a few bobby pins in her mouth as she causally pinned up her hair and sunk in deeper. 

She leaned her head back, eyes closed, attempting to rid her mind of all unnecessary distractions and just meditate.

With each breath, she imagined herself in a different world. A _different_ America. She pretended that her country hadn’t lost a long, bloody war against the Nazis...pretended that  what she’d seen in the film was true.

She imagined she had met John and he wasn’t married and they were dating.

 _No_ guilt. _No_ heartache. They were together in this world and nothing could keep them away from each other.

Several small tears had formed and were trickling down the sides of her face from her eyes, which were still closed. She quickly wiped them away and reached down to grab her glass of wine. 

At that moment she heard several light knocks on the bedroom door. _Lucy couldn’t be home this early._ Her heart began racing. 

The door slowly opened.

“It’s _me_...Juliana.”

 _That voice_ , how she’d grown to love that voice.

No one had ever said her name quite like he did. 

“John? What are you doing here?”

She sat up in the tub. He was still standing near the entryway, turned to his side, not looking directly at her—waiting for her permission before he entered any further.

“Erich told me he was taking out Lucy and I figured you shouldn’t be alone on a Saturday night. I didn’t have a chance to call you. Is this... _alright_? I can leave if you’d like.”

She thought for a brief moment, then decided she should indulge herself. She didn’t just want him, she _needed_ him. 

”Actually, you’ve been on my mind. This is unexpected—but...welcomed.”

He finally made eye contact with her, those were the words he was _desperate_ to hear.

“I’ve been working all week and thought a bath would be wonderful.”

She offered him a demure smile. “I haven’t had a bubble bath since I was a little girl.”

She swirled the water slowly. There weren’t many bubbles left in the tub. John’s eyes gravitated towards different body parts which were being revealed as her fingers lightly moved the water.

Glimpses of nipples, neck, belly, silky legs. She must know what she’s doing...how sexy she is.

He attempted to re-focus and comment on what she’d just said.

“It’s good to do things that one enjoys. Sometimes we forget to make time for them, but it feels so good when we remember. Like sailing, for me.”

He took his shoes off and walked over to her. 

“Would you like a shoulder massage?” he asked invitingly. 

She bit her bottom lip and nodded.

“What about the girls?”

He pulled over the stool from the vanity and sat behind her head. “They were asleep when I left, and I still have my men stationed outside.”

”Okay good.” She took a sip of wine. “Would you like a drink?”

”Mmm, maybe later. I don’t want my senses dulled.  I’ve been waiting too long for this.”

She moaned softly as he had started nibbling and sucking one of her earlobes for a moment, then returned to his former task of kneading her shoulders. 

“That feels wonderful John. Just what I needed. Well, and maybe a few other things...”

He chuckled softly, “Me too.”

She leaned her head back. He slid his hands around to her collarbone, lightly tracing over it with his fingers.  

“Would you like to join me in the tub?”

”I just showered before I came over, but I’m suddenly feeling very... _dirty,”_ he said devilishly. _“_ Why not?” 

She held her index finger between her parted lips, watching him undress in front of her. He didn’t break eye contact as he slowly, painstakingly, unbuttoned each button of his shirt then cast it on the floor.

Next he undid his belt, then pants, then underwear—finally naked. Fully erect, he smiled as he noticed her eyes move down and fixate on his manhood. She moved forward in the tub so he could step in behind her. 

“I’m not sure if this tub is meant for two,” he said, “but we can give it our best try.” He sank down into the warm water. 

She could barely handle feeling his hard cock up against her backside. He had tilted it up and rested it there. She reached a hand behind her back and firmly gripped it, stroking it several times.  

“Do you mean to torture me or do you just have a natural talent for it?”, he said as he grabbed the washcloth off the side of the tub. 

“I can say the same for _you_ , Mr. Smith.”

He playfully twisted his mouth to the side and lathered the washcloth with soap. “Put up your arm, I’m going to bathe you.”

She smiled to herself. As much as she adored his tender side, it was thrilling to have him take charge. She knew he was more than capable of it.

He proceeded to slowly scrub and rinse each arm. “Lean forward, let me get your back.” She hugged her arms around her knees as he gently swirled the washcloth up and down her back, then leaned down to suck on her neck.

“Oh John, I’ve dreamt about your warm mouth on me...that feels  _so_ good.”

”I’ve dreamt about putting my mouth on you—on every square inch of you...and your perfect body,” he said, his voice trailing.

He reached around and cupped each breast in his hands firmly, stroking his thumbs over her nipples, then pinched them softly. She leaned her head back, resting it in his neck. “John, take me to the bed. Please-”

He sank his hand lower in the water until he found her, gently working two fingers in. She gasped...” _Mmm_...”

“Not yet, my pet...let’s have a little more fun.”

He kept alternating between teasing and stroking her clit, and exploring her silky inner workings.

“God John, please...stop...I want to come _with_   _you._ ” 

“There’s time for that. Relax. Open your legs for me, like a good girl. Let me pleasure you.”

She was panting and moaning so heavily. The culture she was raised in desired women to be demure and submissive. Despite her best efforts, John stirred her basest, carnal desires and she couldn’t manage to contain herself.

“You bring out this... _dirty_ side of me John,” she managed to say with labored breathing. “I’ve never acted like this before.”

”Do you remember when I said you needed a  _man,_ not a boy?” He sucked her neck as he continued to determinedly rub her. “This is what I was referring to.”

“You’re a beautiful, sensual woman. Don’t be ashamed to let yourself enjoy everything to the fullest, it’s only natural. Don’t think. Just feel.”

Helen had never been a very enthusiastic lover, even in the beginning. John had always wished she wasn’t so reserved and could allow herself to enjoy lovemaking more, rather than viewing it as a wifely duty. He’d discovered from the first time he and Juliana were together that she thoroughly _enjoyed_ , even seemed to _crave_ , a much more passionate exchange than he was accustomed to. _It drove him crazy._

He had only been with one other woman before Helen, his high school sweetheart Ava Billings. Juliana was much different than either of them. Maddeningly different. _Tortuously_ different. He didn’t know how to stop himself from wanting her.  

He felt her fingers digging into his calves hard and she helplessly gave in as she writhed on his fingers, finally climaxing. She loosened her grip on his legs and gently stroked his knees a moment before standing up. With her back still to him, she reached for the towel that was on the small table beside the tub.

He relished every second of the view he was getting. She turned around and handed him the towel as she stepped out onto the bath mat.

He got out too and began to tenderly towel her dry, from head to feet, as if she were a child. He quickly toweled himself off, threw the towel aside, and picked her up to carry her over to the bed, his own needs becoming urgent.

He wouldn’t last long, _he knew._

“Sit up, on your hands and knees. I want to take you from behind.”

Once again, she did as she was told, no hesitation. He teased the head of his cock for a moment, rubbing it outside of her and just a bit inside, then firmly thrust most his length in deep.

She let out a gasp.

“Sorry sweetheart...couldn’t hold back any longer.”

He grabbed her hips and began driving into her, rougher then he ever had before, but to her surprise she was starting to like it.

“It’s ok...it feels... _good_ ,” she stammered. Her hair came loose and tumbled down across her back. 

“I’m gonna come _,”_ he dug his fingers into her hips, madly pumping his hot come inside her.

“Juliana,” he called out in desperation. 

After his pulsing stopped, he continued to very slowly massage his shaft with gentle, measured thrusts for a minute more—a direct contrast to his former roughness. Thoroughly gratified, he watched his essence trickle out of her and smiled. 

“You felt _so_ good Juliana.”

Still embedded in her, he guided her to sit up and turned her face around to kiss her.

“I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

She shook her head.

He pulled himself out and laid her onto the bed, then proceeded to find her mouth and wildly explore it with his tongue.

After a moment, he looked down at her with a smile, “I guess this is what happens when I go without you for almost two weeks..”

”I suppose we can’t let _that_ happen again,” she said.

”No.”

He lowered his head to briefly suckle each of her nipples hungrily, then back up to her face to plant a final quick kiss on her lips.

“I have to go.” He tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “God I wish I didn’t.”

”I know.” She kissed him again. “Me too...I—“ he put his finger up against her lips, “ _Shh_ ”

Lucy and Erich were on the patio, they could hear their muffled voices.

”Do you think he’ll kiss her,” Juliana whispered. 

“Yes. Definitely.” He smiled and kissed her again softly. 

He tiptoed over to his clothes and began quickly re-dressing.

The front door closed. Footsteps creaked down the hall. Then a tap on the door.

Juliana grabbed her robe and began putting it on, then opened her closet door and motioned for John to go inside. 

“Hey, you awake in there?”

”Yes, just a minute.”

She closed the closet door and tightened her robe as she walked to the door and opened it.

“Everything okay?”

”Yes of course! I just wanted to tell you about my date,” she giggled. 

“Come on in.”

Lucy spotted Juliana’s wine glass. “Wine..just what I need. Let me go grab another glass.”

”Ah...you can use mine if you want, I’ve had enough.”

Lucy shrugged her shoulders, “Okay sure.”

Juliana refilled the glass and handed it to her. “Well, how was it?”

Lucy took a long sip of wine. “Wonderful! He’s such a catch. Seems very thoughtful and sweet. He was completely attentive to me the whole evening.”

”And...anything else?”

”He kissed me just now, before he left.” A huge smile had formed on her face. “It was very nice. Firm but tender, very good.” She giggled. 

“That’s fantastic! Will you see him again soon?”

”Yes, in fact we’re having a picnic lunch in Central Park tomorrow.”

”Wow! He must be very taken with you Lucy, I’m happy for you.” 

“Thank you.” She lit a cigarette. “And how was your night? Looks like you accomplished the bubble bath.”

”Quite nice.”

”So earlier, our conversation was interrupted. We were talking about John.”

Juliana interrupted her. “Oh, it’s okay, we can talk about it a different time. I’m pretty tired.”

Lucy nodded. “Alright. But please let’s do. I don’t like to see you down and out. Maybe there’s someone I can fix you up with.”

Juliana smiled. “Okay, to be continued then. Sleep well Lucy.”

”You too.”

She left and closed the door behind her. Juliana’s mind and heart were about to collide. She knew John would have questions about what he just heard. He slowly opened the closet door and walked towards her. She wouldn’t have time to process things before she spoke.

“That was more information about Erich than I cared to know,” he smiled and sat down beside her on the bed. “What conversation was Lucy referring to?”

She shook her head. “It really wasn’t much of a conversation.”

”Juliana, I know I don’t need to remind you of this. But it is absolutely vital that you’re completely honest with me and don’t withhold  any information. Ever.”

“Of course,” she nodded. “Lucy knows that we’ve been together. The night she came over for dinner, she confronted me. She saw how we were acting with each other and she pieced it together. After losing Henry and being held hostage by the resistance, you can rest assured that she won’t say anything.”

”Oh I’m certain of that.” He looked at her and softly smiled. “Besides, I assumed as much after you two talked for hours in your room that night. But what did she mean when she said she didn’t like to see you ‘down and out’?”

”Hmm, John.” She looked away from him. She didn’t want to make a fool of herself if he didn’t share her feelings.

“Before she left on her date, she told me to not think about you. She could tell I was wanting to see you...that it seemed like I was getting myself more _involved_ than maybe I should.”  

There it was, she thought. She had laid it all out. Somewhat relieved to have finally revealed her feelings not only to him, but to herself as well, she still felt immediately terrified with how exposed and vulnerable it felt.

Her revelation should have concerned him. Prompted him to realize that he should end it, not allow either of them to involve themselves any more than they already had, but it didn’t. Her words felt good.

After guiding her to stand up from the bed with him, he pulled the tie on her robe and slipped his hands inside, grabbing her bare backside and pulling her up against him; she could feel that he was already hard again.

He gently lifted her chin with his index finger and her eyes finally met his. He wanted to smile at her, but he knew she was too proud and sensitive. He stroked her hair several times, then quietly spoke. 

“I’m crazy about you too, Juliana...” he whispered.

He kissed her softly once more, then opened the door and left.

                             *****

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, I’m really wanting to infuse more conflict for them, but they’re so darn cute together—I can’t resist! Hope you guys like! ;-)


	20. Satisfied

Juliana sat back down on the bed, staring blankly at the door which had just been closed. She slowly grazed her finger over her lips, where John had kissed them, moments before.

Her stomach tingled as she absorbed the realization of his confession.

As much as her mind wanted her to, she couldn’t help but bask in the warmth that had begun to envelop her. He  _had_ been wanting her, after all.

Their lovemaking had been brief, but it gave her validation, she thought. Bound them closer together. Was she romanticizing their relationship? Maybe, but it didn’t feel that way.

Every time they were together, she knew it was a risk for him. She remembered the way the ladies at Jennifer’s school dance had buzzed around him, desperate for his attention with Helen being away, amorous looks in their eyes.

She smiled to herself and retied her robe before heading out to the kitchen for a glass of water. 

As she grabbed the pitcher from the refrigerator, Lucy walked up behind her. 

“You know, if you two are going to make a habit out of this, you’ll have to get _better_ at covering up,” she giggled.

Juliana turned around with a serious facial expression, then almost instantly let out a peal of laughter. 

After she was able to stifle her giggling, she set down her glass and looked at Lucy. “I knew he wouldn’t be able to sneak out undetected.”

”Oh he did just fine with _that_. It was his underwear beside the bathtub that gave him away—it caught my eye while I was drinking my glass of wine.” They kept laughing, neither could remember laughing so hard in such a long time.

“So he’s walking home without underwear... _hmm_ , interesting,” Juliana said with a devilish smile. 

“I do believe poor John is positively out of sorts. The John I know would  _never_ permit himself to behave this way.” She smiled.

Juliana returned the smile, then her face sobered as she let out a long sigh.

”I’m not sure where to go with this.” She shook her head.

“I can’t seem to be able to shut it down. Perhaps I don’t really want to...but it will  _never_ be what I want it to be, so why am I torturing myself?”

”I’m probably not the right person to seek counsel from. I fell in love with a self-absorbed, egotistic boy in high school who wasn’t at all right for me and I married Henry mostly for convenience, not love. I hope I’m getting it right this time, with Erich.”

Juliana smiled as she touched Lucy’s arm. “ _Yes_ , I think you’re getting it right this time. But keep following your heart.”

Lucy nodded. “Goodnight sweetie.”

”Goodnight.”

 

                            *****

 

Juliana cleared the dishes off the booth, then pulled the pen out from behind her ear and walked over to the corner table to take an order.

The customer was a nice looking man, tall with dark hair. He dined alone. She definitely sensed he was an man of some importance, as he wore an impeccably tailored suit and carried himself with a noticeable, self-assured demeanor. 

“Have you decided on something sir?”

”Yes, I’ll have the kielbasa with a salad.” She nodded. The way he kept looking at her was starting to make her feel uncomfortable.

“How long have you worked here...Julia?”

”Not too long.”

”Oh really? Where did you work before here? Please forgive my curiosity, you just seem like you’ve done this before. It kind of piques my interest.”

”I’m sorry but I really have to check on my other tables. Please excuse me.” He nodded, starting to feel annoyed-he had a mission to complete and she wasn’t cooperating. Did she know who he was, he wondered? She clearly appeared to be avoiding him.

She glanced at the clock as she walked behind the counter to get the coffee pot. One more hour till my shift is over. Who could he be? Definitely didn’t seem to be resistance. Most likely a Nazi. 

The hostess sat her a new table, thankfully. She was able to busy herself for a while longer and successfully avoid a conversation with him.

As she walked by his table, towards the kitchen, he grabbed her wrist with determination.

She stopped in her tracks, slowly looking back at him.

“Let _go_ of my wrists sir,” she said firmly.

He offered her a light smile, “Sorry Julia, I’m short on time and I wanted us to have a chance to talk. I’ve been watching you—closely.”

He took out a slip of paper from inside his suit coat pocket and wrote down a number.

“You seem much too bright for a job of this nature. I may be able to offer you a career opportunity which most women your age would die to have.”

He slid the paper across the table towards her.

“Call me.”

He reached into his pocket to grab some money, then smiled at her as he placed it on the table then walked out.

After several minutes, she walked over to the booth to clear the table. Another waitress walking by noticed as Juliana picked up the tip.

“That’s more money than I earn in three days, he must like you.”

”Hmm, I’m not sure  _like_ is the word I’d use. He seemed adamant about needing something from me.”

”What?”

”I have no idea.”

The hour went by excruciatingly slowly. Finally, it was 4:00, her shift was over.

Too scared to take the train home by herself, she decided she would go straight to SS Headquarters-it was just a short five minute walk; certainly she could make it there without incident. Besides, he had said that he was in a rush, she was probably panicking for no reason.

She took off her apron, folded it, and put it in her purse as she walked out the diner.

Keeping her head down, she rounded the first corner swiftly. She bumped into a man in a suit. Her heart began racing.

“Hey, watch where you’re going lady.”

 _It wasn’t him_. She exhaled, relieved.

“I’m sorry,” she said. 

Quickly weaving in and out of the crowd, she finally arrived at headquarters.

Minutes later, John’s phone rang.

”Oberstgruppenfuher, there is a Julia Mills here to see you.”

His blood pressure immediately spiked. Something must be amiss for her to come there, he knew she was too cautious to unnecessarily raise any suspicions without just cause. 

“Thank you, please send her up.” 

He switched off the room surveillance.

Erich greeted her when the elevator doors opened and walked her into John’s office. He stood up from his desk and walked towards them.

“Thank you Erich.” 

Erich nodded and closed the door as he walked out. 

John walked over to her and without thought, hugged her, then quickly kissed her lips.

“What’s wrong?”

He looked into her eyes, noticing her heavy breathing.

”A man came into the diner just a little while ago. He was well-dressed, seemed important. He kept staring at me and wanted to have a conversation.”

”What did he say? Don’t spare any details.”

He walked her over to a chair and guided her to sit down.

”Well I managed to avoid saying too much of anything. He asked how long I’d worked at the diner, I told him not very long. Then when I ignored him, he grabbed my wrist as I walked by and said he had a career opportunity for me.”

John was pacing back and forth, growing increasingly annoyed as he heard more about the encounter. 

“What else?” he asked tersely.

”He wrote his number down on a slip of paper and told me to call him. Then he left.”

She walked over beside him where he stood, looking out his window.

“John I was so thankful that you weren’t far away. I didn’t want to take the train home alone. I don’t trust that man.”

He turned towards her and brought her hands up to his mouth, tenderly kissing each one. “I’m glad I wasn’t far away either.” He stroked her cheek with his thumb. “I think I know who that was.”

” _Who_?”

”Reichsmarschall George Rockwell. He’s a double crossing son-of-a-bitch. There’s no doubt he’s trying to use you to bring me down. It’s been a goal of his—to find something on me for awhile now. He’s seems to be working with Hoover as well.”

”What can we do?”

”I’ll take care of it. Don’t be concerned, he won’t bother you again.”

She nodded and pulled him towards her. He rested his forehead on hers. “Why don’t you come over for dinner tonight, the girls have been asking to see you anyway—and...  _I’d_  like to see you.”

She smiled and kissed his lips lightly, several times.

“I’d like that.”

His hands slid down from her waist and squeezed her backside affectionately.

“It’s settled then,” he grinned. 

He walked over to open the door and motioned for Erich to come in. “Erich, a word please.” He looked at Juliana, “Wait right here, I need just a few minutes with him.” She nodded.

She walked out and John closed the door.

“Erich, our friend is digging again. He paid Juliana a visit today. I need you to gather any information you have on him, especially the details regarding that particular situation we discussed last week.”

”When do you need it?”

”As soon as possible.”

”Yes sir.”

“Oh and Erich, I’ve invited Juliana for dinner tonight. Why don’t you and Lucy join us? Will 6:00 work?”

”Thank you sir, we’ll be there.”

”Very good, see you then.”

 

                            *****  
  


Juliana slowly reached over and touched John’s hand as they drove to Long Island. He squeezed her hand and held it, offering her an affectionate, side-long glance. 

”Thank you for driving me home.” She looked out the passenger window. “You always make me feel so...safe. I hadn’t felt that way in such a long time before I met you. I was having to fend for myself quite a lot.” 

He smiled as he pulled into her driveway and put the car in park.

“I’m glad to hear it.”

He paused a moment, then continued. “But I’m afraid the stakes are getting rather high.” He looked straight ahead, out the car window. “I hope I haven’t involved you in anything that may bring you harm.”

He slowly tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, staring at it.

“I just couldn’t help myself.”

A guard began to walk around from the side of the house. She grabbed her purse.

“John, I have no regrets,” she whispered quietly, as she opened the car door. “See you soon.”

He watched her walk in the house, then looked down at the steering wheel and shook his head. He rolled his window down and motioned for the guard to come over. 

“Oberstgruppenfuher.”

”Private Johnson. Has everything been running smoothly in the neighborhood?”

”Yes sir.”

”Stay vigilant. Contact me directly if anything warrants concern.”

”Yes sir.” He saluted and clicked his heels.

”Thank you.”

 

                            ****  
  


Amy and Jennifer excitedly ran to open the front door, welcoming Juliana and Lucy with hugs and smiles.

Juliana gave them each a warm embrace. “Missed you girls. I’m so happy we get to have dinner together.”

”Me too!” said Amy.

Erich walked in the doorway, he had a file under his arm. He looked around anxiously for John. “Where’s your father, girls?”

Jennifer glanced over to his office. “He’s been in there since he got home.”

”Thank you, I think I’ll join him. Please excuse me, ladies.”

They nodded and went into the kitchen to set the table.   
  


                              *****  
  


Dinner was quite enjoyable. Martha had made a pot roast before leaving for the day and the delicious smell was permeating the house.

Spending time in the Smith home was something Juliana had genuinely been looking forward to. The initial feelings of intimidation and uncertainty which she’d experienced the first several times she’d been there had now melted away and seemed to actually have been replaced with feelings of comfort and security, even a sense of _belonging_. 

Everyone gathered in the living room to watch television after dinner. After awhile, John noticed Jennifer yawning. He was eager to dispense with the evening activities and spend time with Juliana.

“It’s time you girls headed to bed. School tomorrow.” 

“Daddy, can Julia walk me upstairs?” Amy asked. 

John looked over to Juliana.

“Absolutely,” she said. 

It felt good to have her in the house again, he thought. The girls missed Helen terribly and he saw that they were desperate for motherly attention. 

They hugged Lucy before they walked out with Juliana. Lucy looked over at John.

“Those two really seem to care for her John.”

”Yes they do. I’m happy my girls have you both to help see them through right now. Thank you.”

”Of course.”

”It never ceases to amaze me how resilient children can be. Despite everything that’s happened lately, they are astonishingly centered through it all.”

”I’ve thought the same thing, but that speaks to the good parenting they’ve had John,” said Lucy kindly. 

John smiled. He noticed Erich had put his arm around Lucy’s shoulder; not wanting to feel like a third wheel, he cleared his throat. 

“Can I freshen anyone’s drink?”

”That would be wonderful, thank you John,” Lucy said as she handed him her glass. 

“Would you like a hand?” Erich offered.

John looked at him with a slight smirk, “I’ve got it.”

He knew Erich was offering just to be polite. 

John smiled to himself as he turned and walked to the kitchen. He was truly happy for them. It was good to see them enjoying one another’s company so nicely.

He grabbed the bottle of scotch and began mixing a cocktail when Juliana walked in. 

“Ah, I see you were able to escape Amy’s room,” he chuckled. “They’ve both missed you but Amy has especially. She hasn’t adjusted  as well to Helen’s absence I’m afraid.”

”In all honesty, I’ve missed them just as much. Maybe more.”

She opened the bag of pretzels and poured them in a bowl. “Lucy is more than accommodating, but it’s not the same as it was here with you all.”

She started to walk away, bowl of pretzels in hand, then he grabbed her waist and pushed her against the wall with a grin.

“Where are you heading so fast?”

He took the bowl out of her hands and lowered his head to eagerly open her mouth, quickly setting out to mingle their tongues with passionate determination that would not be denied. His mouth broke from hers briefly and their eyes met.

She ran her fingers through his hair, pulling his neck in for another kiss.

Erich walked through the door and instantly stopped. They pulled away from each other, only slightly. John’s back was turned, he held his stance and remained staring at Juliana.

“I’m sorry,” Erich managed to get out, then quickly walked back out, with no desire to remain there for a second longer.

She kissed his forehead, “Well I guess there aren’t any more secrets with this group.” They both smiled.

“I guess not,” he said. “I trust Erich with my life, otherwise I would never have arranged for us to all go sailing or have dinner tonight. He’s a good man. Probably the only loyal man who I can say that I _completely_ trust.”

”I’m happy you have him.”

”That makes two of us.”

”We’d better get back out there.”

He nodded and kissed her once more. 

They walked back out to the living room. John handed Lucy and Erich their drinks and Juliana set down the pretzel bowl. They seated themselves on the loveseat beside them.

There was a definite sense of awkwardness. Lucy felt the need to break the tension.

“Why don’t we play a game? Maybe gin rummy?” she suggested. 

“Ah, sure, that sounds fine. I’ll get the cards. Erich, come with me into my office for a moment please.”

John walked over to his desk and reached for a cigarette; he lit it and gestured for Erich to sit in the chair beside him.

“Erich, I don’t want there to be any misunderstanding between us. Given our history, I know this needs no explanation, but I feel compelled to offer you one.” 

“John, it’s really not necessary. Truly.”  

He paused a moment, then looked at John directly. It was the perhaps the most intimate, personal moment they’d shared. 

John held their eye contact and nodded. “I appreciate that Erich, as a friend, not your Oberstgruppenfuher.”

Looking away finally, he continued, “I love my wife, I’ve always done everything within my capabilities to ensure she could have the best life possible, but it wasn’t enough I guess.”

He smirked to himself. “It seems like I got a lot of things wrong.” He took a long drag on his cigarette. “I can’t say that my actions are praiseworthy, but in a strange way, I feel that if this didn’t happen with Juliana, I was verging on losing everything entirely— Helen, my family, _all_  of it. She’s saved me, Erich.”

”It’s quite obvious that she makes you happy; with the level of stress in your life right now, I completely understand.”

John stood up and tapped Erich’s shoulder. “Thank you Erich. I value your loyalty and service. And—your friendship.”

“You’re welcome John. And for you as well. You’re a good man, I’ve always seen that.”

John smiled. “Let’s get back out to the ladies, it’s getting late. And Erich—you can take Lucy home tonight, I’ll take Juliana.”

”Of course.” He smiled back at John.   
  


                            ****  
  


After playing a few rounds of cards, Erich noticed John glancing at his watch. It was almost 10:00.

“I’m thinking I’d better get you home Lucy.”

She nodded and stood up. “John, thank you very much for a wonderful evening. Please, give my compliments to Martha also.”

”Absolutely. Hope we can do this again soon.”

He kissed Lucy’s cheek and shook Erich’s hand.

 _Finally_ , time with Juliana, he thought, as he waved goodbye and closed the front door.

Peering over at her, he noticed she was comfortably sitting on the couch, her legs tucked off to the side, giving him a longing smile.

He walked over to her and leaned down to give her a kiss.

“I need to quickly run through the shower, make yourself comfortable.”

She nodded with a smile as he walked away. 

He couldn’t get his clothes off fast enough. He turned the shower on and stood off to the side  a moment, waiting for the water to warm. He grabbed the bar of soap and quickly began lathering his arms.

Juliana had walked in and noiselessly stripped off her clothes then went over to open the glass shower door, which had been left cracked. His back was turned away. She stood behind him and reached around to take hold of his manhood, which was more than aroused and ready for her—it had been since he’d kissed her on the couch.

“I was _hoping_ you’d join me.”

”It’s my turn to wash you.”

”Yes. Please do. Do you have a way to clean my head, it’s been filled with _filthy_ thoughts lately...”

He turned around and lowered his head to grab each nipple in his mouth briefly. He watched her in fascination as she lathered the soap between her hands and began running them across his shoulders and chest, slowly down his arms, then down to his cock.

She sank down onto her knees and covered him with soap, stroking him repeatedly.

“John you’re so _big_ , I can’t believe all of this fits inside of me.”

He stroked the top of her head and moaned. “I can’t either, you’re so small and tight...but we fit _so_ right together.”

He tilted his head back.

“Oh god Juliana _, oh god!_ ”

She had rinsed the soap off and proceeded to lick up and down his shaft.

Next she attempted to take his whole member in her mouth, momentarily gagging her, which served to drive him utterly crazy.

It had been so long since he’d experienced this; his high school girlfriend had done it to him, and Helen on a few occasions years ago, but it had never been like _this._  

Her mouth _felt so good._ He looked down to watch her, seeing her lips around him was mind-blowing. 

She felt his fingers dig into her scalp harder. 

Mustering up all his determination, as he didn’t want it to end too soon, he pulled himself out of her mouth after a minute and pulled her up to stand.

He drew her face in towards his mouth to offer her a deep, gracious kiss, then turned her around and bent her over.

After initially grazing between her legs with his fingers, he steadied himself and slowly started pushing into her.

She braced the shower wall with one arm and reached around with the other to guide him in.

One more thrust and he was all the way in, hitting everything _just the right way,_ deep inside of her.

Her moaning and whining sounds spurred him on more wildly. He had already learned the places that triggered her orgasms, so he indulged her perfectly.

She let out a long, euphoric moan..“Yes...John... _that’s it, that’s it._ ” 

Her legs quivered as she came, it seemed to last forever, and she let out a small whimper when at last the ecstasy finally faded. 

Just as he was about to come, no longer wanting or able to hold back, much to his complete satisfaction, she slipped his cock out of her and went back down on her knees to take him in her mouth again.

With newfound determination, she suckled him with complete abandon.

“Juliana...” he had a firm hold of her head, “I’m about to come...I’m gonna fill your mouth.”

With that, he pumped into her for what seemed like an eternity, letting go of all he held onto. Wanting to give everything to this woman, body and soul. 

He pulled her up to him once again, smothering her in a dozen wet kisses, intertwining their spent, naked bodies while they stood under the stream of hot water.

They clung to one another as if their lives depended on it, not wanting the moment to end. 

They finished showering one another and made it to the bed. Neither bothered to wear anything.

Juliana laid her head on his warm chest and he ran his fingers through her damp hair. Within minutes she noticed his breathing pattern had changed, she lifted her head to look at him and saw that he had passed out.

She smiled to herself and lightly planted a kiss on his chest before laying her head back down.

She sighed peacefully as she closed her eyes and began to drift off to sleep.

The world seemed to finally feel a bit right, in his arms it seemed as if no harm could come to her.

Her mind knew that wasn’t true but her _heart_ wanted so badly to believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have a moment, please leave a comment-I LOVE to read your thoughts out there;-) It’s hard to write for a quiet audience and it truly motivates me!! xoxox


	21. Hearts and Minds

John opened his eyes and looked at the clock. His alarm was due to go off in five minutes.

Juliana was on her side, her back against him. Even though he had slept in the bed with her several times now, he still felt conflicted waking up beside someone other than Helen. Guilt always crept into his thoughts at some point.

At the same time, he couldn’t deny that his relationship with Juliana was much more than physical. He knew he had developed _feelings_  for her—as much as he’d tried to convince himself that he was just filling a void, she was just someone to help him get through a difficult time, whatever excuse he concocted as soon as his thoughts drifted to her at random intervals throughout the day.

At 44 years old, he was seventeen years her senior, but in so many ways she was wise beyond her years—one of the things about her that he found most attractive. 

He touched her hair lightly, admiring how lovely it looked across her bare back.

She rolled over and gave him a drowsy smile. He pulled her onto his chest and she nestled in sleepily.

His alarm went off; he quickly silenced it.

“You’re so nice and warm,” she said, settling into him more.

He caressed his fingers down both her arms and kissed the top of her head.

 “You were amazing last night. That was such a pleasant surprise.”

She smiled and brushed her fingers over his chest. “So were you.”

”Just when I think it can’t get any better, you blow my mind.”

He brought her up to his face and gave her a long, sweet kiss.

She was perfectly aligned on top of him and his hardness was getting her very turned on as he brushed against her backside. 

He felt her wetness on his leg...luring him in, once again.

It was becoming harder and harder to say goodbye to her.

“I wish we had more time.”

She gave him a seductive pout, then left a trail of kisses from his chest, up to his mouth. “ _Don’t we?_ ”

He let out a low moan in delight.

”I have an early meeting and I wouldn’t want to do that”...ashe spoke she continued to plant light, rapid kisses on his mouth, slurring his words, “and then leave you right away.”

She smiled and traced her index finger over his lips. “I’ll be fine. Trust me, with the state I’m in right now you’d be doing me _more_ harm to not pleasure me.”

Permission granted, he began sliding into her. She was so wet that he was easily able to fit in all the way in one thrust.

“Well, I suppose if you put it that way, I’d just be doing you a favor,” he smirked. 

“Exactly.”

He rolled her over onto her back, keeping himself embedded; she pulled her legs back to allow him deeper entry.

He looked down at her with a pleased grin and began rapidly thrusting.

Their bodies and instincts were so suited for one another; it didn’t take long.

Within a few minutes, they climaxed simultaneously. He quickly kissed each of her breasts, then a final one on her mouth before he got out of bed.

“You don’t work until this afternoon?”

”Right,” she said.

”It’s actually Martha’s day off, so once the girls and I leave it should be fine to head to your house. I’ll let the officers know that I had you stay here last night due to safety concerns.”

”And do you think they believe that?”

”No. But they know better than to ruin themselves for something so inconsequential. It would behoove them to not spread idle gossip and definitely not about me.”

She nodded. He walked to the closet to pull out a uniform, then headed into the bathroom. 

After a few minutes, he walked out, still tucking in his shirt.

“So you didn’t answer me about your relationship with Joe Blake when I’d asked that one night. Would you mind if I asked you to elaborate?”

She furrowed her brows. “Why are you bringing that up this morning?”

”His name came up at work the other day and it reminded me that we’d never resumed that conversation. I need to know in case you or I find ourselves in a compromising position. That may be important information.” 

“Well what sort of information do you need to know?”

He busied himself with his belt buckle and didn’t make eye contact with her. “For starters, were the two of you ever... _intimate?_ He risked quite a lot for someone he’d just met.”

She gathered her thoughts, trying to ascertain if he was truly prying for the reasons he’d said or acting as a jealous lover.

“No. We weren’t. I was dating Frank when we met in the neutral zone and I honestly didn’t trust anyone. I can’t explain it either, but we definitely had a connection from our first meeting. He saved my life on several occasions. It didn’t make sense to me, but I reasoned that he was attracted to me, maybe wanted to sleep with me, but he never tried to get me in bed. I was being honest in my statement at headquarters when Erich had asked me that.”

He slowly nodded. “I’m  _sure_ he was attracted to you. I hate to say it but men rarely go too much out of their way to assist a random female unless the hope of a physical connection is there. That’s my assumption, of course, but I could tell from the moment I laid eyes on him when he first came back that something had distracted him—significantly.”

”What are his current whereabouts, if you don’t mind me asking?”

”Unfortunately I can’t say very much, it’s classified. I  _can_ say that he’s been away on a mission and Himmler plans for him to return to New York in the near future.”

”I see.”

”I’ll be sure to let you know when he’s back.”

”Thank you.” 

“I’ve got to get going.”

He walked over and gave her a kiss.

“Please let me know if anything unusual happens. The situation with Rockwell should be rectified, but just in case.”

She nodded. “I will. Bye John.”

”See you soon.”

He looked back at her once more, then walked out. She didn’t like the way she was feeling. It seemed like they’d just had a business exchange. She hadn’t been uneasy in his presence in a long time, but that discomfort had crept back and she had a gnawing feeling growing in her stomach.

She searched about the room for her clothes, then remembered she had taken them off in the bathroom before showering last night.

After quickly dressing herself, she sat on the bed, arms crossed, contemplating the situation.

One part of her wanted to search through the dresser drawers and closet, looking for anything that might give her deeper clues into who he really was; the other part was as equally terrified at just  _what_ she might find.

Ignorance could most certainly be bliss.

She told herself she would only open one drawer, so a few minutes later she decided it would be the top drawer of his nightstand.

The house quieted and the front door slammed shut. She walked over to the window and opened the curtain ever so slightly, John was speaking with an officer down below.

Was he telling them what he had said he would? Perhaps she had become too much of a liability for him and he was going to have one them kill her instead?

Her heart was pounding.

No, no, no, he really did seem to have feelings for me, he would never do that...would he? And he wouldn’t have left in the manner that he had and say ‘See you soon.’ Would he?

Her mind was driving her crazy. How could she have been so blissful last night and this morning, now so uncertain. 

He had told her he would take a car this morning rather than driving; it was safer.

She watched the car pull up; he opened the door and got inside.

She bolted back to the nightstand and frantically opened the drawer, scanning it for something— _anything_ , that would give her some comfort right now.

She found a bottle of sleep aid pills, cologne, some tissues, nothing abnormal. There was a homemade card from Amy, it read, ‘Happy Birthday Daddy, I love you so much! This is a picture of us together.’

She allowed herself a deep breath and sat down on the bed.

Why am I doubting him so much?

She put everything back precisely where it had been in the drawer. Despite her initial plan, she decided to open the second drawer. There was a revolver under a silk neglige. She grabbed it.

Fully aware of the repercussions, she proceeded to conceal it in her coat pocket before slipping on her shoes to leave. 

She briskly walked out of the house and down the sidewalk. No officers were in sight.

When she was nearly to the next house, one of them called out.

“Miss Mills— _wait_.”

As she slowly turned around, she calculated how quickly she could reach for the gun and imagined firing it.

“Yes?”

”Why the hurry? I can walk you home if you’d like.” 

Panicked, she kept chanting to herself that she was letting her imagination run wild, that she was being unnecessarily paranoid. 

“Actually I think I’ll be fine, thanks anyway.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Are you sure? It’s no trouble.”

She smiled and looked down at her feet, attempting to appear carefree.

“Quite sure, thank you.”

He nodded. “Good day, Miss Mills.” 

“You as well.” 

She continued at a steady pace, not allowing anything to distract her as she quickly made her way down the road and finally into Lucy’s front door; bolting the lock behind her once she was inside.

Lucy walked in from the kitchen, apron on, spatula in hand.

“Everything okay? You came in so quickly it worried me.”

”Yes, sorry to worry you. I think I’m still a bit shook up from the unexpected visitor in the diner yesterday.”

”Ah, well I don’t blame you. Why don’t you come have some breakfast, I just made toast and eggs. I was hoping you’d be home to eat.”

”Sure, I’d love some thank you.” Though she desperately wanted to confide in Lucy more, she couldn’t help being a bit guarded still. “I’m just going to take my purse and coat to my room and I need to use the restroom, be right back.”

”No problem.”

Juliana quietly closed the door behind her and proceeded to lift the bed mattress to place the gun underneath. She changed into fresh clothes and smoothed her hair. 

The smell of coffee hung heavily in the air. She was beginning to regret what she’d done. He had repeatedly told her about the importance of trust between them and now she’d completely violated that.

Was there any way to undo it? Even if she went back to the house she’d have to make an excuse to the guards to get back in and then they would certainly report that to John.

 _No_.

She’d have to confront him herself—like it or not. 

She walked back out to kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee, hoping to avoid an in-depth discussion with Lucy. 

“Here’s your plate, have a seat,” Lucy said.

”Thanks so much, I’m famished.”

Lucy smirked, “I’ll bet you are. So how was your ‘sleepover’ with John?”

”Let’s just say I could get used to sharing a bed with him.” She smiled with a slight blush.

” _That_ good huh? He couldn’t seem to get Erich and I out of the house fast enough,” she giggled. “All hot and bothered.”

Juliana couldn’t help but enjoy the exchange, it was a welcomed distraction.

“I wondered if it was that obvious to you two.”

”Oh yes,” she said with a grin. “He still maintained his typical genteel composure and manners but it was plain as day he had other things on his agenda.”

”And how are things going with Erich?”

”Terrific—in fact we’ve already spoke about marriage.” Lucy smiled as she took off her apron and sat down beside her. “I didn’t think I would be ready to re-marry so soon, but it seems like the real thing,” she paused, “and I know exactly who I’d love to be my maid of honor.”

Juliana smiled softly, she had truly grown close with her and wished her only the best.

“I’d be honored Lucy. You two seem like a great fit...I’m so happy for you.”

 

                             *****  
  


John nervously drummed his fingers on his office desk as he awaited Himmler to march through the door. They’d just finished an officers meeting and he had pulled him off to the side afterwards to tell him he wanted to meet with him privately.

It had been two weeks now since he’d seen Juliana, one week since he’d spoken with her briefly on the phone one night from his house, when he could no longer seem to bear not hearing her voice.

As hard as he’d tried to re-center himself, dig into his work, he just couldn’t get her out of his mind. Besides his girls, she was the only thing keeping him going.

Footsteps approached.

The door opened loudly.

For such a short, stout man he certainly knew how to make an entrance, he thought. John stood to salute him. 

Himmler quickly walked over—gesturing for him to lean in.

“John, turn off the room surveillance,” he said in a whisper.

He did as instructed, now perhaps even more anxious at what they were about to discuss. 

“I’m due back in Berlin this afternoon but I would be remiss if I didn’t take a moment to discuss some concerns with you. Have a seat.”

He paused a moment, while pacing back and forth in front of him.

John knew Himmler had asked him to sit so that he could stand, positioning himself in a more intimidating manner, a technique he knew well himself and used often.

“As I’m sure you’ve inferred, I’ve devoted immense effort to develop you as an officer, to protect you, to promote you—and I do intend for my endeavors to come to fruition. Your loyalty, intelligence, and devotion to the Reich has never been doubted, but my patience with your messy personal life has ceased. You _will_ order your wife to return to your home by the weeks’ end, or I will personally see that the situation is rectified.”

He moved directly in front of John and looked down into his eyes with a deliberately threatening stance.

“You should know better than to have liabilities, but what you do in your bedroom is your affair, John. I’ll say this only once. You’d better trust your mistress with your life—if either one of you makes one false move, it will be fatal for everyone involved. Am I clear?”

”Yes sir. Everything will be handled.”

”I know it will.”

John rose from his chair. ”Heil Himmler.”

“Also, Dr. Mengele and I would like for you to meet with us at the main laboratory when I return next week, we have vital information to discuss that can no longer wait. Clear your schedule Tuesday morning.”

”Yes Mein Fuhrer.”

”Good day, Oberstgruppenfuher.”

John exhaled the moment the door shut. Anticipating a conversation with Helen that he’d been avoiding for awhile now, he glanced at the clock, contemplating whether he should call her now or wait until he returned home that evening. 

Before he found his answer, the phone rang. He stared at it a moment before picking up. 

“Yes?”

”Oberstgruppenfuher, it’s come to my attention that the Reichsmarschall is expected to arrive in the city this evening, I wanted to inform you in case you desired a meeting with him,” Erich said.

”Ah. Very good, thank you.”

”You’re welcome sir.”

 

                        *****  
  


Juliana hadn’t noticed Rockwell sitting in a back booth, staring at her pensively as he smoked his cigarette. Her shift had just ended, she was reaching around to untie her apron when she noticed his glare.

He crooked his index finger like a disappointed school instructor, motioning for her to come over. A wave of nausea instantly overcame her. Something about this guy made her skin crawl. 

“Yes?”

”Miss Mills, or should I call you Miss  _Crain,_ I was fully expecting to get a call from you. That’s not very mannerly now is it?”

”I’m sorry sir. I appreciate your job offer, but I’m satisfied with my current employment.”

”Oh I’m sure you are. It’s a nice, safe job. I get it. But a girl who’s put herself in such a vulnerable position doesn’t really have many choices does she?”

”Look I don’t know what you’re getting at, I wish I did, but I need to finish up here.”

”You can cut the act, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Maybe John finds your coyness enticing—but I don’t. You’re to meet me outside in three minutes, understand?”

She nodded nervously. As soon as she walked into the kitchen, she ran to the phone and dialed the number for John’s office. After the last incident he had given her his direct line, thank God.

 _Come on, come on, pick up..._ she repeated, panicked.

No answer.  _Dammit._

At least she had John’s gun in her purse. She went to the locker area that the staff used and dialed the combination on the lock, hands shaking.

She grabbed her purse and headed for the exit. 

After walking out, she looked around, scanning the New York crowd for him...

She slowly started to walk to the right and a man in a trench coat grabbed her shoulders fiercely, redirecting her to go left, towards the street corner.

He opened the back door of an unmarked black car and forcefully shoved her inside then slammed the door.

Rockwell sat opposite her, wearing a beguiling grin.   
  


                             ******  
  


Juliana’s eyes stirred open. He had given her a light sedative and it was beginning to wear off. She appeared to be in the bedroom of a poshly decorated apartment, lying on the bed. 

“How nice, you can participate. I was fine with or without your cooperation,but since we haven’t much time, I suppose I’ll take you awake.”

She had started to sit up on the bed-he pushed her back down aggressively. “I don’t think so. The fun is just beginning,” he laughed maliciously. “You must really be a good lay for Smith to keep you on the payroll.”

He pulled a chair over and positioned himself in front of her feet at the edge of the bed, then began reaching his hands up her skirt.

“Get your hands off me,” she snapped sharply through clenched teeth. 

” _Feisty_ , eh? I must confess, that only turns me on more.”

He pulled her panties down and threw them on the floor.

His eyes roved over her body with a twisted smirk on his face.

Next he leaned over her and tore open her blouse.

“You’re not going to get away with this you _bastard_ ”—

”Aren’t I? Who are you? You’re _nothing_. Do you think your Nazi boyfriend is going to protect you? You aren’t his  _wife,_ you’re completely disposable,” he said with a cruel smile.  

She felt like she was about to vomit.

Not only at the realization of all the ways she was about to be violated, but because she knew he would most likely kill her afterwards as well.

She glared at him with a hateful scowl, attempting to devise a plan but realizing she had no good options.

“Who the _fuck_ do you think you are? You arrogant piece of shit!” John shouted as he quickly rounded the corner.

She’d never heard him raise his voice or even become overly agitated before now. 

“John, to what do I owe this pleasure? I don’t remember inviting you,” he said calmly. “I promise to return her to you in one piece,” he laughed sadistically.

”I should’ve killed you when I had the chance years ago- you sick fuck. It’s lucky for you that she’s here, I won’t torture you.”

Rockwell grabbed his gun from his holster to take a shot, but then instantly fell backward on the bed—Juliana had shot him in the head, seconds before he could take a shot at John. 

John stood frozen in the doorway, eyes wide, staring at Juliana, her hands shaking, still tightly clutching the gun.

Erich, who had stayed a bit behind John to guard the building, ran in to assess what had happened.

She burst into tears, John ran over and carefully took the gun out of her hands and set it down beside him on the bed; her arms immediately went up around his neck and he held her, rocking her as he had done several times before. Juliana clung to him like a child.

“John, John,” she sobbed, her entire body shaking. “I was so scared! I tried to call your office and you were gone.”

“ _Shhh, shhh,_ it’s okay...it’s okay...you’re alright. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry this happened to you.”

He raised her chin up to his eye level and wiped her tears away softly, kissed each eyelid, then her lips very lightly.

Erich was still in the room but neither of them cared. He had begun to drag Rockwell’s body off the bed and out of the room.

“We’ll be right out Erich, thank you.”

Erich nodded and left the bedroom.

John took his coat off and draped it over her shoulders to cover her exposed chest, then walked over to pick her panties up off the floor. 

“Here honey, put these on.”

Still sitting, she turned herself around and he guided her to put each leg in, then pulled them up as far as he could...their eyes met; she pulled them the rest of the way up and lowered her skirt back down.

“Did he hurt you?”

She looked down and shook her head.

“We need to leave—now,” he insisted, urgency in his voice.

He grabbed her blouse and his gun, holding her hand as they left the room.

     
                            *****  
  


”There you are, I’ve been worried sick about you! That’s twice today,” Lucy said as she opened the front door in her robe.

It was nearly 2:00 a.m.

”I’m so sorry Lucy,” Juliana said tiredly. 

“Don’t apologize sweetie, I’m just glad you’re okay.”

“It’s been an eventful evening, to say the least. Were you able to set up with Martha to stay over with the girls?” asked John.

”Yes, it was no trouble at all.”

”Thank you Lucy, I’m just going to help Juliana get settled. Everything is fine, no need to worry.”

She nodded, “Well I’ll head back to bed then, let me know if you need anything.”

They quietly walked down the hall to her room and he closed the door behind them. 

“Why don’t you take a hot shower, you’ll feel better.”

”Don’t go.”

”I have some time.”

After showering she walked over to the bed and saw that he had turned the quilt down and put a glass of water beside the nightstand.

She crawled into bed and he pulled the quilt up over her gently. 

“John, I shouldn’t have taken your gun.”

”We don’t need to talk about that now. You need to get some rest.” 

“Why don’t you get under the covers too?”

He sat on the side of the bed, running his fingers over her hair.

“I can’t stay over. I’d love to, believe me. Himmler may call me and I should be home.”

He also knew it would be nearly impossible for him to sleep in the same bed as her and manage to restrain himself. 

She nodded, disappointed. But of course she understood.

He took off his shoes and got on top of the bed beside her on his side, face to face with her. He reached down and pulled her hand up to kiss it. She gave him an adoring smile.

“I always loved when Trudy would scratch my back at night when we were kids. It was so calming.”

”Roll over.”

He softly lifted her nightgown up to her shoulders and began tracing his finger in slow circles and trails across her back.

She felt so smooth and warm under his hands; he wanted to madly pull both of their clothes off and bury himself in her silky refuge. But he knew tonight was not the night for that.

“Mmm, so nice,” she said quietly. 

After about ten minutes, he tugged her nightgown back down and leaned in to spoon her.

When she’d seemed to have finally fallen asleep, he planted the faintest kiss on her bare shoulder before he slipped off the bed and quietly left the room. 

He walked down the hallway and wondered, as he already had many times now, how on earth he’d allowed himself to fall in love with Juliana Crain.

 


	22. Justified

 

* * *

John hung up the phone in his home office. The conversation with Helen went better than he’d predicted. She would be returning in four days, fairly begrudgingly.

He was thankful she’d agreed to see a psychiatrist for counseling, desperately hoping that she’d somehow be able to resolve some of the grief and anger which had plagued her for so long now. 

Would she detect his infidelity as soon as she returned? And what if she questioned him? These were the thoughts that had been relentlessly plaguing him since his conversation with Himmler.

His first instinct told him to deny it, then he thought a bit longer and decided he would attempt to be truthful, he knew she was quite perceptive. He recalled her saying something about leaving he and Juliana to play house, a statement he remembered thinking was ridiculous at the time but she was spot on. She had picked up on their chemistry even before  _he_ had recognized it.

Juliana’s enigmatic hold on him continued to be on ongoing source of guilt and confusion. The closest he’d come to unearthing an explanation, aside from his nearly obsessive attraction to her beautiful face and sculpted body, was the fact that she seemed to be such an unselfish person. Other than his mother, he hadn’t encountered anyone who would be willing to risk their life for someone they barely knew. But she had done exactly that for Thomas. For him. For Helen and the girls. 

He’d grown weary of selfish, back-stabbing liars with ulterior motives...

Aching to be rid of it all, he found himself becoming more and more enamored with her purity of mind and soul, her virgin-like naivety, perhaps. 

For all intents and purposes, she should have feared the very idea of him due to his rank and power in the GNR alone, and yet in such a short time she had opened her heart to him.

Certainly she knew the inherent risks as their relationship developed, but she must have felt that strongly about him that it didn’t deter her, he reasoned. He who had committed and ordered such unspeakable acts in the name of the Reich. He who initially only had intentions of exploiting her to the fullest extent because of her relationship with Joe Blake and possible link to the resistance and the man in the high castle—merely political collateral in his twisted game of power sustenance. 

Jennifer ran up to his office door with a bag slung over her shoulder. She excitedly knocked, grinning from ear to ear. 

“Daddy, Amy and I are all packed up for our sleepover, may we head to the Wilsons’ house?”

With the craziness of the last few days, he’d forgotten his agreement to allow the girls to have a sleepover with some neighborhood friends. He rubbed his temples and sighed. 

“Ah yes, I suppose it is Friday. It completely slipped my mind. Sure sweetheart, I’ll walk you over.”

As they walked, Amy looked over her shoulder at the officer who was trailing not far behind them.

“Why does he have to follow us Daddy? Can’t we just be normal for once?”

”It’s for your protection, darling. Don’t let it bother you, he’s just doing his job. You know I’m the Reichsmarschall now, so they just want to make extra sure we’re all safe.”

He smiled and gave her pigtail an affectionate tug.

”I understand,” she nodded.

”That’s my girl.”

Mrs.Wilson opened the door, wiping her hands on her apron before hugging the girls.

“Hello ladies, I know a few girls who are beyond excited to see you, I’ll take your bags, head on inside,” she said.

They each gave a John a quick peck on the cheek. 

“Bye Daddy.”

”Bye Daddy.”

”Bye my girls, mind your manners and have fun.”

”John. Thank you for letting the girls sleepover, I know how protective you are with them, but they’ll have a wonderful time.”

”I’m sure of that,” he said with his easy charm, which never failed to have an effect on her. “Thank you for the invite. They’ve been talking about it all week. For everyone’s safety, I thought it best to have one of my officers here tonight.”

Her watched her smile fade and her face tighten with anxiety.

“Don’t worry, it’s just a standard precaution. Go about normally.”

”Okay. When would you like them home tomorrow?”

”Noon would be best.”

”Will do, bye John.” 

As he walked down the stairs of the front stoop, his mind immediately began formulating a plan to see Juliana.

He only had four days.

While he was ashamed that he was putting intentional thought into his infidelity, he _had_ to see her. 

_Hold her, kiss her, sleep with her, be inside her._   
  


_******_   
  


Juliana walked into an empty house that evening, or so she thought. She’d worked a double shift and couldn’t wait to get out of her work clothes and relax.

It was 9:00, Lucy was out with Erich and wouldn’t be home till late.

She tossed her shoes in the coat closet. Noticing her bedroom door was closed, she slowly approached and listened at the door for any sounds. 

“Come on in,” said that deep, husky voice she loved so well.

She took a deep breath, relieved. As she opened the door, she noticed that he had lit the fireplace and had a bottle of wine with two glasses on the table. 

“John you nearly scared the life out of me! I’ve had enough excitement lately, I’m not sure I can take any more,” she said with a smile. 

“It was a calculated risk,” he gave her a serious look, “but one I felt compelled to make. I had to see you.”

”This is lovely. The best surprise I’ve had in a long time.” He was wearing a pair of khakis and dark green, long sleeved shirt, tucked in and unbuttoned at the top a bit. 

God he looks good. Did he know how badly I needed this, how much I’ve wanted him?

He lowered his head and crooked his index finger, motioning for her to come over to the chair where he sat.

She set her purse on the dresser, flashing him her best come-hither look as she slowly approached him.

As soon as she was within his reach, he slipped her uniform dress up and pulled her onto his lap.

“Do you know how much I’ve been  _dreaming_ about this body?” He found her warm mouth and was delighted that her eagerness matched his perfectly...“how much I’ve missed these breasts,” he murmured as he unbuttoned her dress and affectionately caressed each one over her white cotton bra.

Truly she personified the ideal female for him. Exquisite, aristocratic and chiseled features, yet girl-next-door—witty, sensible, resourceful.

Right now, he was twenty years younger.

Right now, he was so electrified and lovesick for her, he couldn’t imagine ever  _not wanting her._

She leaned in and began sucking his neck. He moaned, feeling himself fully hardening.

“You smell _so good_ John.”

He grabbed her hand and put it on his cock. She gave him a wry smile and bit her lower lip. 

“See what you do to me?”

She nodded and grabbed his hand in return, guiding it down to touch her warmth. She was already soaked.

“See what  _you do to me_?”, she whispered in his ear, then suckled his ear lobe a moment before giving it a light bite.

She was too good at this, he thought. A natural. She seemed to know exactly how to turn him on. All the moves, all the right places. Had she been like this with Frank, he wondered, jealously. 

He moved the crotch of her panties off to the side, stroking his finger in between her folds, then lightly dipped his middle finger inside with a groan.

“You’re so damn _wet_.”

He eased his fingers in slowly, making sure to keep locked on her mouth as well. She whimpered through his mouth as he went in deeper, pumping faster.

He pulled his fingers out, his eyes fixed on her, then slowly brought them up to his mouth and tasted them, as if they were caviar.

“Hmm, my Juliana tastes so good tonight.” 

“God John, _don’t stop_...” 

“Be patient beautiful.”

”I need you inside me _, right now_.” She began squeezing his cock again, desperately. 

”Nothing would give me greater pleasure...” 

He stood her up and quickly slipped her panties off, then stood and unbuckled and unzipped himself. She finished by pulling down his pants and underwear, then dropped down to her knees in front of him, taking him into her mouth hungrily, sucking him just enough to drive him insane.

After a moment, she pulled her mouth off and gazed up at him seductively.

He smiled, gently guiding her head back to his cock, grazing it over her face. Hysterically yearning to be back in her mouth. 

“Be patient handsome.”

”Touché,” he simpered.

He sat back down on the chair and pulled her onto him, clutching her backside firmly as he  slowly lowered her down, pushing up inside her, reveling every inch he penetrated her deeper.

He continued rocking her up and down rhythmically for a minute or so, then stood up with her...her legs wrapped around his waist.

He was still deep inside her as he strode over to the bed and lay her on her back, then continued thrusting with single-minded determination.

She gripped his back with her heels and held his shoulders as if her life depended on this moment... _this man._ Why did he have to be so arrestingly handsome? Why was she so attracted to him? She’d never been so spellbound like this in her life.

They climaxed together so forcefully, as if it could be the last time they made love. He collapsed down on her with a heave.

She slipped her fingers underneath his shirt and lightly scratched his back. He lifted his weight off of her, searching for her mouth to offer a gratified kiss.

He rested his head in the nape of her moist neck, soaking in her scent, which he’d come to know so well.

She ran her fingers through his hair, intermittently lightly scratching his scalp and tenderly tugging his hair.

He wanted to tell her just what she meant to him. Just what his life would be without her. How much he  _craved her,_ was poisoned by her—but he knew better.

His perfectly methodic, disciplined mind knew better.

He was a husband, a father, a Reischmarshall...not her husband, or even her boyfriend. She had so much life ahead of her. He knew he would have to give her away, much more sooner than later.

Some _other man_  would see the end of the beautiful story he had started with her...a story he had _had_ no right to start, but nonetheless had...Some _other man_ would torment him for the rest of his life as _he_ would be able to hold her, make love to her, have a family with her. 

His Juliana. His love.

The mere thought of it sickened him. 

“Why don’t we get more comfortable?” he asked.

”More comfortable than this?” she smiled adoringly. 

He gave her an amorous glance as he sat up on the bed beside her. “Did you have a chance to eat dinner?”

She shook her head. “No, but I’m not really hungry.”

”Nonsense. You need your energy,” he said with a devilish grin. “Take a shower and freshen up. I’ll scramble something up for you in the kitchen.”

She nodded and leaned in to kiss him. This man who was such an enigma, such a tender lover, yet achingly masculine.

“Yes sir,” she smiled. 

“Good.”

Just as she had toweled off and put on her robe, he walked into the room with a bowl and napkin in hand.

“Butter noodles with salt. Nothing fancy, I’m no cook, something quick and easy.”

A man had never cooked for her before. “You spoil me John, thank you. Looks delicious.”

As she ate he opened the bottle of wine silently and began to pour it evenly into their glasses, concentrating on his task with much more effort than needed. 

“Juliana. Why did you take the gun out of my nightstand?”

She immediately stopped chewing and set her bowl down on the table, stomach tightening.

”I don’t really have a good answer John. That morning, you’d asked about Joe Blake, out of the blue. I guess it got my mind going, wondering why you were questioning me. I started to think that maybe you were trying to end things with me, that maybe when you left that morning you were going to have one of your officers kill me because you thought I could be a liability to you.” She paused. “Fear set in and I panicked.”

He took a long sip of his wine then set it carefully down. 

“Why in the world would you doubt my affection for you? After all we’ve shared, _really_?”

She paced in front of the bed. 

“I know, _I know_ John. But I thought that maybe my judgement was being clouded by my feelings—when you’ve been through what I have it’s hard to completely let go of paranoia.”

He nodded, walking over to hand her her wine glass. “I do understand. But I feel like I’ve opened up to you in ways I never have with anyone besides Helen—and in many ways not like I ever have even with her.”

He traced his index finger over the curve of her face.

“Do you have any idea how _enraged_  I was when I walked in and saw Rockwell standing over you? I thought I would snap his neck right then and there, if not for you there to witness it.”

He paused then looked directly into her eyes. “Do you understand that power you have over me? Never doubt it Juliana, never.” 

She nodded and took his hand, leading him over to sit by the fire with her. 

“So I read in the paper you’ve been named the new Reichsmarschall. Article said Rockwell had a nervous breakdown and took his own life.” She took a sip of wine.

”Yes it’s a terrifying thing when one isn’t in good graces with Himmler,” he took a sip then continued, “Rockwell was Hitlers' appointment and it was well-known that Himmler didn’t approve. Once Erich divulged some damning evidence of both George’s sexual indulgences to Hoover, as well as Hoover’s own perversions, his goose was cooked.”

”I see. And does Himmler know about... _us?”_

”Of course. But fortunately we still fall within the ranks of his acceptable favor, he’s tolerating it, not thrilled though.”

He took another long sip and finished the glass off then set it down and stared at it.

“There’s no easy way to tell you this Juliana, but I want to be honest with you. Helen will be home in a few days.”

She looked away.

He touched her arm delicately. “I need to try my best,  _we_ need to try, for all of our sakes, to do whatever is best for our survival, however hard it may be.”

”You’re right.” She stared at his hand on her arm. “I suppose I’ve known this day would come. I’ve been thinking about it all, trying to figure things out. I wondered if I should start dating. A businessman who’s come into the diner a number of times finally asked me out on a date the other day. I considered going, reluctantly, to try and move on with things here...to assimilate more into the GNR.”

He got up and refilled his glass, already hating this man he didn’t know but wanting to appear unaffected. “It’s probably best. I’d be lying if I didn’t say it’s the last thing I want to think about, but yes, you need to move in that... _direction._ ”

He refilled her glass and sat back down. He knew Joe would be returning in a week and would undoubtedly want to see her. He didn’t want that, especially after he had told him that Juliana was dead, then revealed to him that she was indeed alive and well when they were Berlin.

Joe would likely be spiteful. Better for her to be with someone he didn’t know, someone out of his reach, this businessman-who he never had to meet, could loathe from afar, keep off his radar and out of his mind more easily.

”But you’re mine tonight, and while you’re mine let’s not waste one second,” he said quietly. Resolutely. 

She gently pulled her robe tie to reveal her breasts, their shape beautifully lit by the glow of the fire.

He stared at her unabashedly, moving the robe off her shoulders gently. Her face held a radiant glow.

“Juliana, you’re so beautiful.”

She smiled softly and leaned in for a kiss.

“You’re not too bad on the eyes either, Reichsmarschall.”

The title jarred him. He twisted his face a bit as reality set in.

He didn’t want it.

Didn’t want to be Reichsmarschall any more than he wanted a hole in the head, had never wanted anything other than security and safety for his family. And now it also meant he would have to keep _her_ away, even further.

More shackles and chains about him, like a straight jacket.

”The girls are at a sleepover till noon tomorrow, I can stay the night, or as late as you’d like...”

”How nice...” “Mmmm...”

He had bent down and began nuzzling between her breasts, then moved down to kiss her belly, slowly, slowly sinking lower, pushing her legs apart.

He slid his tongue through the center of her folds only one time, teasingly, then kissed the top. He stood and picked her up, carrying her over to the bed.

“Do you have any lotion?” he asked.

She nodded and pointed over to the vanity. He walked over to get it.

“Turn over, I want to give you a massage.”

She did as told. He pumped some lotion out and warmed it in his hands before spreading it over her back generously.

He positioned himself astride her, kneading over her back firmly, for several minutes, then moved down to her backside.

She felt him lightly kiss each cheek, then massage both sides ever-so-slowly...spreading them apart and back together...moaning as he plied her under his fingers.

“Your hands feel so good, so strong.”

His fingers traveled downward. She was dripping. He practically came without even a touch.

He took hold of his cock, daring to glide into her...easing in slowly, slowly—knowing he wouldn’t last. But it looked as if she wouldn’t either, so he decided not to hold back. 

“John, go slow, hmmm...just _like that_.”

” _Jesus_. You feel _so fucking good,”_  he murmured.

She was so snug on him, he felt her tightening her muscles around his manhood, tantalizing him beyond belief.

He was completely inside her, barely moving, in small, gentle thrusts. The sound of her wetness, all the little the sex noises as he pushed into her, spurred him into orgasm.

”Oh god, god John,” she murmured through jagged breathing, feeling him pumping into her, his seed coursing through her forcefully. 

She tightened around him, drawing out all his come. She knew it would feel so good for him and drive her own orgasm to the next level of blinding ecstasy.

He liked coming in this position, the way it felt on that side of his shaft felt so good, he loved the way he could watch her ass, as he slid in and out. He was so accustomed to missionary style—Helen rarely liked anything else, so he typically just fell into the routine. It was predictable, nice, comfortable in its own way, anything but novel though. 

As he softened he slipped out of her and moved up toward her head, pushing her tousled hair off to the side to kiss her cheek, then mouth.

They entangled themselves in a tight embrace; as she grew sleepy, he felt his essence trickle out of her onto his leg. He smiled to himself and pulled her in closer, until they both succumbed to post-coital, peaceful slumber at last.   
  


                            ******  
  


The next morning she woke to the smell of bacon and eggs. He hadn’t been able to sleep and was ravenous after their night of lovemaking.

He smiled as she walked out to the kitchen, rubbing her eyes. 

“The bed was cold without you.”

”I’m sorry, I wanted to stay, but hunger got the best of me. Ready to eat?”

”Definitely. Starving. Where did you learn how to cook by the way?”

”My early days in the army, I was assigned a kitchen rotation. I ended up liking it more than I thought.”

“You’re full of surprises John.”

She walked up behind him and hugged his waist, kissing his cheek and resting her chin on his shoulder. “I wish this was our house, our kitchen...”

He pulled the pan off the burner and turned around to hold her.

He closed his eyes several seconds, finally releasing a long sigh. “I think we’ll go crazy if we think about all that.”

”I can’t help it.”

He lifted her chin for a kiss. “Grab a plate.”

She nodded. They enjoyed their breakfast, laughing together, smiling together, flirting with one another. Drinking coffee and talking about things they’d dreamed about when they were young, lives they thought they would have. Aspirations. Family. Roads that they’d taken. No politics. It was an easy conversation.

They actually had quite a bit in common, despite their age difference and backgrounds.

They stared at the other as they heard the front door open.

It was Lucy.

She had called last night, much to their chagrin, to tell them she would be sleeping over at Erich’s because it had gotten too late. 

“Oh, well good morning John. I wondered if you’d be over,” she smiled.

Unable to disguise his embarrassment, he briefly looked down at his coffee mug and cleared his throat.

“Lucy, good to see you. Thanks for your...uh...hospitality, as always.”

She smiled, “You needn’t be so coy John. We’re all adults here.”

John and Juliana’s eyes met and they shared a small, understated smile. After the initial awkwardness eased, they both quote enjoyed not needing suppress their affections.

For John, it eased his guilt. Obviously it wasn’t just a fleeting innuendo or meaningless fling  certainly Lucy could see that. It seemed to somewhat justify his actions, or so he told himself. He nodded and took a sip of his coffee. 

“Did you and Erich have a nice time last night?” Juliana asked, wanting to reduce the slight tension in the air.

She noticed that John’s right knee was slightly bouncing under the table, nervously. 

Lucy walked over to pour herself a cup of coffee. “Yes,” she beamed, “Fantastic.”

”Wonderful!” said Juliana. 

A strong breeze shook the colorful leaves on the maples outside the kitchen window, which boasted a beautiful view of her spacious back yard. Juliana walked over to look out at them with a faraway gaze. 

“Fall is so beautiful here, I just love it.”

”Ah that’s right, it’s your first true autumn here in New York. Guess you never saw much of one in San Francisco,” John said.

”Wow, that’s crazy. Fall is my favorite season, I love the crisp air, pretty foliage,” added Lucy.

”Oh yes it’s gorgeous, I can’t get enough of it.”

John smiled at her affectionately. “You’d love a ride upstate through the countryside, there’s nothing like it. Windows down, breeze through your hair.”

”I’ll have to do that sometime,” she smiled. 

John looked down at his watch. 11:30. “I need to get going, have to pick up the girls.”

”Juliana, you’re off today right?” Lucy asked.

”Yeah, thank goodness. Why?”

”Well I was just thinking, why don’t we all take a drive in the country, like you’d said John. I heard they have places you can pick apples. Might be fun. Give Juliana a chance to see fall and I’m sure the girls would have a good time.”

John twisted his mouth off to one side reluctantly, “Mmm, I do have some work to do around the house.”

His eyes shifted to Juliana, smiling prettily at him like an excited school girl. “But I guess I can’t say no to that face,” he chuckled, “Sure.”

She walked over behind his chair and leaned over to kiss his cheek. “Thank you.”

He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, “Of course.”

                            *****

         


	23. Forbidden Fruit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here’s a nice long chapter.. I wanted to weave in a bit of true storyline from the show in certain parts so it took some orchestrating;)

Lucy pulled the drapes off to the side and peered out the front window while she put on her white gloves. John had pulled up in his black Mercedes SE200 Cabriolet. It was very roomy and quite opulent. She remembered Helen telling her that John had got a new car several months before she’d left, but she’d never seen it. 

“John’s here! Are you ready?”

”Yes, coming,” Juliana shouted from her room. 

Erich walked up behind Lucy, hugging her waist affectionately. “I  _love_ your dress,” he said, grinning.

She smiled and turned around to hug him. “Thank you sweetie. I’m glad you could join us, it should be fun.”

”I haven’t picked apples since I was a kid on my grandparents’ farm.”

Juliana saw them hugging when she emerged from her room, walking towards the door.

“Now come on you two, are you going to need a chaperone for today’s outing?” she giggled.

Erich pulled away, his cheeks instantly turning a mild pink.

Lucy softly laughed and poked his chest playfully, “It was all  _his_ fault, _I_ was behaving myself.”

”Uh-huh, I’m not sure I believe that,” Juliana said, “How are you today Erich?”

”Quite well, and you?”

”Excited to get out of the city.”

“Me too.”

They walked out to the car. 

John winked at Juliana and opened the front passenger door. She looked at him with a shy smile. He’d gone out of his way to spruce himself up a bit, she thought. Almost like it was a date. And how handsome he looked, wearing an argyle sweater which brought out the loveliest hues of green in his eyes.  

John shook Erich’s hand, “Morning Erich,”

”Morning John, looks like we’ll have nice weather for a drive.”

”Looks that way.”

“I’m thinking we’ll head up to Morristown area, take route 15.”

“Good choice,” Erich said, then quietly asked, “Do you think we should have another car follow?”

”We should be fine. The girls have been bombarded lately. I think they’d appreciate an ordinary day.”

Erich nodded. 

The drive to Morristown was breathtaking. Juliana was fixed in a tranquil pose, elbow perched on the window sill, taking in the rolling countryside in painted hues of oranges, reds, and yellows. The air was cool and crisp, perfect fall weather. 

Amy sat between she and John, smiling, thrilled to be away from their cluttered, complicated lives—thoroughly enjoying any experience with her father that wasn’t defined by dreary overtones. 

John’s glance lingered over to Juliana every so often. He smiled to himself as he watched her eyes canvas the scenery. The way she relished simple pleasures, living in the moment with seemingly little thought as to what her next move would be, once again enhanced his attraction to her, fueled his ever-growing drive to reacquaint with his former self.

He noticed Amy’s eyes roving back and forth from he and Juliana with a glint of excitement. He wondered what she was thinking, or hoping. He hadn’t revealed Helen’s return to she or Jennifer, in the event that Helen were delayed or decided to change her mind. She would be home Tuesday, and hopefully life for the girls would fall back into its former state of routine.

For him, _he knew,_  it would not.

Ordinary but not ordinary.  _Ever again._

_No Thomas. No Juliana. No Thomas. No Juliana._

He chanted it in his head, like a gloomy anthem. 

“Daddy!” Jennifer shouted, “ _A deer_!”

John swerved, unsuccessfully attempting to avoid a doe which had crossed in front of them. He pulled the car over to the side of the road. 

“Everyone okay?” he asked, breathing heavily. 

They nodded, the air heavy with tension. 

“I’ll go check the deer. Girls, cover your eyes please.”

He got out and walked over to inspect the extent of injuries it had sustained. The wounds were too substantial.

He reached inside his coat to grab his revolver then delivered one brief shot before returning to the car.

Amy had buried her head into Juliana. 

“Why’d you _do that_  Daddy?” Jennifer demanded.

”She was suffering Jenny. I put her out of her misery.”

“Maybe she could’ve healed,” she objected, rejecting his answer. 

He shook his head. “No,” he said flatly. 

They drove in silence for several miles. John turned down a dirt road, following a sign toward an apple orchard. He pulled in and they quietly got out of the car. 

“John may I speak with you a moment?” Juliana asked.

He walked over to where she stood off to the side of the car, away from the others. 

“John I think the girls are a little shook up from the deer incident. Maybe if you talk to them again, with a softer tone, that would help,” she suggested. “ _You_ may be used to that of sort thing, but they aren’t.”

 “You’re right,” he murmured, “Sometimes I forget the delicacy of the females in my life.” He squeezed her arm, “Thank you for reminding me.” 

She wanted to kiss him on his cheek but restrained herself. “No problem.”

 

                            *****  
  


The large orchard sat on several, picturesque acres. The owner was an older gentleman. He handed them each a basket and gave them instructions before they set out.

John was grateful he wasn’t recognized. The farmer seemed to be an odd fellow, the type who most likely didn’t keep up with politics and seemed to be more comfortable consorting with apple trees and farmyard animals than people.

They had the place to themselves, as they were the only customers. The girls ran off ahead, with Juliana and Lucy right behind.

The guys trailed further back. John walked casually, with his hands in his pockets.

”Helen will be returning Tuesday.”

Erich initially knit his brows, then caught himself.

“Oh, well...I’m happy for you and the girls, that’s good news.”

A smirk spread across John’s face. “I’m not sure I buy that.”

Erich cleared his throat, “It’s a...uh...delicate situation. I’m guessing you have mixed feelings.”

”Exactly.” He paused. “But I do love my wife and my first commitment will always be to her and the girls.”

His eyes drifted ahead to Juliana, who was laughing as Amy chased her through the apple trees.

“Besides, Juliana will need to marry, make a life with someone,” John said, almost to himself, under his breath. 

Erich fumbled with his hands, then looked directly at John.

“John, I’m told Joe Blake is back, flew in from Berlin last night. He’s due at headquarters on Monday for the first morning meeting.” He paused a moment in hesitation. “That would be a good fit,” he suggested, attempting to be supportive.

John shrugged his shoulders, “Maybe.”

”I’ve heard some interesting rumors about the training methodology they employ for the re-education program in Berlin.”

”If by interesting you mean _barbaric_ , yes, I’ve heard the same.”

Erich nodded. “Guess we should try our best to enjoy the afternoon with the ladies.”

”Yes, lets.”

He walked over to the row where Juliana was with Jennifer. “Save some good ones for me!”

Jennifer ran over to him, “Look how many I picked already!”

”I’m expecting some delicious apple pie ladies. Maybe applesauce...an apple tart?” he said as he looked over at Juliana with a devilish smile. 

She lightly rubbed an apple on her skirt and sauntered over to him. “This one’s a beauty. Take a bite.”

She held it up to his mouth. His eyes narrowed and he twisted his mouth teasingly.

”Hmmm, isn’t that what Eve said to Adam as she offered him the forbidden fruit?” he asked.

Juliana cocked one eyebrow. “Unusual to hear a religious reference coming from you.”

“I suppose one never forgets the teachings of childhood.”

He smiled and took a deep bite. “Can’t say it did me much good. Look how I turned out,” he laughed. 

Amy ran up to them. “Daddy, come here, I see some perfect ones but they’re too high, can you reach them for me?” 

He walked over and looked up to where she was pointing, attempting to determine if they were within his reach.

“I’m not sure sweetie, but I’ll try,” he offered. With much determination, he managed to reach two for her.

Amy hugged his waist before running off again, “Thanks!”

Juliana smiled at him affectionately. “You really love being a father don’t you?”

His face quickly sobered. 

“Yes, absolutely. I consider them to be my best accomplishments, my pride and joy.”

He looked down at the basket of apples, as if they would offer some kind of profound wisdom for him, then continued. “After what happened with Thomas though, I’m not sure how to best raise them. We taught him to be an exemplary model citizen, unfaltering obedience to Nazism. His indoctrination ended in tragedy.”

He hesitated a moment, then spoke more directly and lowered his tone, “It chilled my bones when I watched the girls stand up to sieg heil at Thomas’ memorial.  I kept thinking,  _“No, not them too, not my girls...”_

”Oh John, I can only imagine how torturous that would be. The thought of losing them as well.”

She wasn’t sure exactly what to say. She didn’t know what is was like to be a parent, couldn’t imagine or even close to imagine how to advise him in the matter.

“I wish I could be more helpful. Honestly, I would follow your intuition, it won’t steer you wrong.”

He reached to pick an apple, then tossed it in the basket. “My intuition’s been wrong before. It was wrong with Thomas.”

He pushed a few branches back to reach another one, then continued. “On the other hand, I’ve seen so many people resist or even mildly question. It never has a happy ending. Trust me, it’s my job to shut any form of free-thinking or expression down. To be on the wrong side of the Reich is certain death,” he said, dejectedly. “I’m at an impasse.”

“John, the way I see it, _yes,_ you’re in a precarious situation, but you’re also in one where you can attempt to oppose from within. _Really_ make a change.”

He flashed her an ironic smile, slowly shaking his head. “Don’t you think that thought’s crossed my mind many, many times? It’s not as easy as you might think Juliana. They’re like a pack of wolves, constantly circling their next victim, seeking and sniffing out any misstep, they thrive on the taste of blood. To pull off any kind of a coup would be nothing short of miraculous.”

He continued, “I’m not in this alone. I make one false move and everyone I love will be killed, not just me. Why do you think they have such little opposition? Fear has an effective way of paralyzing people. Not that I need to tell you that, coming from the Pacific States.”

She nodded and glanced at the girls, innocently skipping around and giggling not far away.

“I _do_ know this, if you sit by and do nothing, I’m not sure you could live with the consequences for your family. You have opportunities that others dream of John.” 

He scanned the area to make sure no one was looking, then tenderly tucked her hair behind her ear. “I wish, darling,” he whispered, almost soundlessly, “I wish.”

 

                              ******  
  


The morning meeting was largely uneventful, with the exception of John sensing several sidelong glances from Joe and a few updates on Japanese oil trade.

Everyone had mostly filed out of the room when their eyes finally met after deliberate avoidance. 

“Joe, you’re back.”

Joe saluted and clicked his heels. “Reichsmarschall.”

This was not the Joe he remembered, indeed not. He instantly detected a much more solemn and purposeful Mr. Blake. All business.

”Let’s step into my office a minute shall we?”

”Yes sir.”

Erich followed silently. They made their way down the hall into his office, John closed the door behind him.

“Have a seat Joe.” John quickly read over a piece of paper he was holding. “So, Reichsfuhrer Himmler is sending you to our embassy in San Francisco and I’m to provide you with a plausible cover. Deputy Trade Attaché.”

“I’ll furnish a clean passport and the necessary credentials,” Erich interjected.

“Give us a couple of days to get it all in order,” he handed Erich the paper. “Looks like the Reichsfuhrer has your future all mapped out for you, but I’ll bet he didn’t think about the present,” he opened his wallet, “here’s some walking-around money. Manhattan these days, almost as expensive as Berlin.” 

”Thank you, sir,” he said firmly, his face lacking emotion, “I’ll pay you back.”

“I’m sorry about your father, Joe.”

”I’m sorry too sir. About your son.”

John wanted to apologize more directly, tell him that everything he had done was for the good of the country, to preserve innocent lives, but he wouldn’t. If the right time and situation presented itself, perhaps. He lit a cigarette and offered one to Joe. 

“No thank you.”

”Joe where will you be staying? Did they set you up someplace?”

”Temporary housing on Sycamore Street.”

John’s eyes widened but he quickly caught himself, attempting to appear casual.

He must be staying at the men’s dormitories near where Juliana stayed; those were also under surveillance. They must want to be absolutely sure that he won’t have any ill-dealings and the re-education training was successful. 

“Ah, I’m familiar with those. That will be a good fit until you get settled more permanently.

“Yes.” He looked straight ahead and saluted, then left. 

John looked over his shoulder where Erich stood behind him. ”I want you to take care of this personally Erich. Discreetly.”

Erich nodded and left.

Joe was waiting in front of the elevator as he walked by. 

“Sturmbannfuhrer-”

Erich turned around. “Yes?”

”Where’s the best place to catch lunch around here? I’m not too familiar with this side of town.”

Erich hesitated, then decided to act in what he thought would be both John and Juliana’s best interest.

“Waverly diner. It’s a few blocks up on 9th.”

“Thanks.”

 

                             ******  
  
  


Juliana was clearing off a table, getting ready for the lunch rush which she knew was imminent.

Her mind had drifted more than once to thoughts of the Reichsmarschall throughout the morning shift.

Blissfully unaware of the turn her life’s course was about to take, she carried the tray of dirty dishes back to the kitchen and set them down by the dishwasher with a smile. 

Joe hastily smoothed his hair and straightened his jacket before walking into the diner.

He stood in the entryway, mouth agape, taking in the reality of Juliana’s presence in disbelief. He had immediately locked on her after entering.

The hostess approached him.

”Just you today sir?”

Eyes still fixed on Juliana, whose back was to him, he replied as if saw a ghost, “Can I be seated in Juliana’s section please?”

She turned around and pointed to Juliana, “You mean Julia, the brunette?” she asked, with growing concern, based on his demeanor.

”Yes, sorry, I meant  _Julia.”_

”Sure thing honey.” She smacked her gum and grabbed a menu as she led him to a table.

”Here you go. Lunch special today is meatloaf and mashed potatoes, enjoy.”

Now it was Juliana’s turn for bewilderment. 

She stopped dead in her tracks, a foot away from Joe, heart racing.

He looks as good as the day I first met him. What in the world is he doing here? Did John send him? 

“What are you doing here?”

”I was just about to ask the same of you,  _Julia.”_

”It’s not safe to talk now. How long are you in town for?”

”A few days, then heading out”

He gestured for her to hand him a piece of paper., then quickly wrote down an address and handed it to her. “I’m staying here for now. Stop by after your shift’s over.”

She nodded.

“Hungry?”

He looked at the menu, still a little flustered with the situation. “Uh, the special is fine.”

”Alright, I’ll put that in. To drink?”

”Anything...coke I guess.”

Joe ate his meal in haste, anxious for their rendezvous, his head becoming flooded with mixed feelings of confusion and desire.

He had a flashback from Canon City, when he had paid her bill in the Sunrise Diner. Seemed like lifetimes ago, and yet at the same time, seemed like yesterday...

He reached into his coat pocket to take out the money that John had loaned him and set some on the table. 

When Juliana came back out from the kitchen, he was gone. 

Helen would be home tomorrow. John will want to get his life back in order. I need to get my life in order. After all, he’ll be coming home to his wife at night, don’t I deserve that too? Time to get him out of my mind, out of my heart.

It’s long overdue. Long overdue _._

”So who was  _that? An old flame_?” teased Donna, the hostess, as she walked up behind Juliana.

“I suppose you can say that. Kinda,” she offered casually. 

“Kinda? He’s a looker that one. Seems dark and mysterious. If you’re not interested, can I have a crack at him?” she giggled. 

“I’ll keep you posted,” she smiled.

The afternoon seemed to creep by. _12:00...1:00...2:00...3:00...finally 4:00._  

She went to the bathroom to freshen up before leaving. Truthfully, she _was_ looking forward to seeing him, to catching up.

There was something different about him now, though. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but she had detected a change—undoubtedly, even in their brief exchange.

Just exactly what the change was, remained to be seen.

 

                             ******

 

Juliana firmly knocked several times.

_No answer._

She waited. Knocked again. Again no answer.

She pulled the crumpled paper back out of her pocket.

_Men’s Dormitory, 2C._

She was in the right place. The women’s dormitory where she’d stayed was one block away.

She started to walk away and the door opened. Joe had a razor in hand and a small towel slung over his shoulder.  

“Juliana!” he shouted.

”Thank goodness, I thought you’d made a mistake with the address or room number.”

”Yeah sorry about that, I was shaving in the bathroom and didn’t hear you knock right away.”

“I see that,” she smiled, “looks like you nicked yourself a few times too.”

”Ah, yeah I was rushing. It happens. Come on in.”

He led her inside. Unlike _her_  experience, he had a roommate, who fortunately wasn’t home. 

She spotted a box of tissues on the counter and took a few.

“First things first, lets clean you up,” she said  warmly, delicately dabbing several areas on his face which were bleeding.

He put his hand over hers to stop her, in a slightly aggressive posture. “Please. Don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine.”

She slowly withdrew her hand. “Sorry.”

”No apology needed.” He looked away. “I’m sorry, just a little out of sorts with so much traveling. Would you like a drink?”

He walked over and opened up the cupboard and removed two glasses. 

“Sure.” 

She set her purse down on the table and took the glass from him. 

“Cheers,” he said, glass extended to hers, “To...reunions.”

“Cheers.”

Her throat burned as she swallowed. “What is this stuff?” she asked, trying to stifle a cough.

“It was here when I got here, my roommates’ I guess.”

He picked up the bottle to read it. “Jagermeister...yeah, I remember having some of this at a party in Berlin. They also called it Goring-Schnaps, after Hermann Goring, one of Hitlers' favorites.”

”Hmm, interesting taste. Not sure I like it. Whiskey’s more my style.”

”I remember,” he smiled. 

”Here, let me take your coat.” He walked behind her and slipped it off her shoulders.

The familiar sexual tension which they’d always had was still there. Both could feel it.

“How long have you been back in New York Joe?”

”Since Friday night,” he lit a cigarette. “I spent the first two days sleeping.”

”Well-deserved, I’m sure.”

He nodded and took a sip of his drink.

”Joe, I’d love to go for a walk.”

He gave her an odd look, but nodded and grabbed his coat. 

Once they were outside, far enough away from the dormitories, she felt it was safe. 

“Listen Joe, your apartment is under surveillance. I know because the one I stayed in was as well, just right down there,” she pointed down the road. 

“Smith told me you were here in New York and that he’d sponsored your citizenship. I didn’t believe it,” he looked down and shook his head. “Thought he was manipulating me again.”

” _And_?”

”I went against my instinct and trusted him.”

”How’d that turn out?” she asked, unsure if she wanted to know the answer.

”He had my father and I arrested. Then we were both imprisoned and tortured mercilessly until one day Himmler made me shoot him.”

Her eyes widened in horror. She knew she didn’t want to hear the story. She didn’t want to think of John that way. She wanted to keep him preserved in her mind as the person she’d grown to know. The tender, sweet, witty man who adored his children and loved being a father. That was who she’d come to fall in love with, _to make love to,_ to dream about. Not a cold hearted Nazi bastard who used people then tossed them aside carelessly. John must have had his reasons, she concluded.

“Joe,” she touched his arm, “I’m so sorry. How awful, I can’t imagine how horrifying that must have been.”

He stared into her eyes, holding eye contact with her for the first time. His blue eyes pierced right through her, possessing an other-worldly gaze which she didn’t recognize. 

“My father was a traitor Juliana. He should have known better,” he said coldly.   
  


                             ******  
  


John had gotten home from work earlier than usual. Himmler wanted him to comb through films, a task which he’d been assigned in Berlin and hadn’t devoted much time to, as of late.

After dinner, the girls went in the living room to watch a television show. He stood in the kitchen alone, eyes drifting to the clock.

Not quite seven o’clock.

The films can wait. I have tonight and maybe only tonight. 

Helen would be home tomorrow. After wrestling with his conscience a few minutes as he finished up the dishes, he dried his hands on a dish towel and walked into his office to dial Lucy’s house. 

“Hello.”

”Hello Lucy. Is Juliana home yet?”

_A pause._

Lucy had lived in the GNR long enough to know you don’t lie to SS officers, much less the Reichsmarschall.

”Um, she had called earlier to tell me she was meeting up with a friend after work this afternoon. Said to eat dinner without her because she wasn’t exactly sure when she’d get home.” 

“Oh?” he responded nonchalantly. 

“Yes, some friend she knew from out west.”

Could it be Frank? Maybe another lover she’d never told him about? 

He cleared his throat.

“Hmm. In all honesty, I’m still concerned for her safety,” he said, pondering his next move, started to feel vexed.

“Can you have her call me at the house when she gets in please?”

”Yes absolutely.”

”Thank you.”

_Dial tone._

She had every right to visit a friend...after all, I was the one who told her she needed to head in that direction, so why do I feel so annoyed? Or perhaps annoyed isn’t the right emotion.

He kept telling himself it was, but he knew better. 

After the girls went to bed, he decided to start a film, that would be a good distraction. 

Twenty minutes into it, the phone rang, jolting him out of his sleepy state.

”Yes?”

”Hello John.”

It was Helen. Not exactly who he was hoping it would be, but still, a comforting, familiar voice that was good to hear.

”Helen. Everything okay?”

”Yes I just wanted to talk to the girls, tell them I’m looking forward to seeing them tomorrow,” she said, her voice a bit shaky.

”Ah, you missed them-they went to bed about an hour ago. Sorry honey.”

Did she forget their bedtime? Had she been drinking again? Her voice sounds different.

”That’s alright.”

”Have a good flight dear. The officers will be at the airport to escort you. We’re all happy for you to come home. It’s where you belong.”

_No response._

”Helen?”

”Yes, sorry John. Thank you, see you tomorrow.”

”Goodnight.”

”Goodnight dear.”

He hung up the receiver and took a deep breath.

Nothing would be easy.   
  


                              ******  
  


Joe walked back in the living room. It was 10:00.

Juliana passed out on the couch when he had stepped out to make a quick phone call. He grabbed the quilt off his bed and gently set it on top of her. She stirred and outstretched her arms comfortably.

”How long was I asleep?”

”Not long, maybe twenty minutes.”

”Sorry...I don’t sleep well at night anymore and my work days can be long.”

“Why don’t you sleep well?”

She hadn’t told him that she had lived with the Smiths. There was no point lying, he’d find out sooner or later, she concluded. 

He turned the television on, loud enough to effectively drown out their voices, and sat down on the couch beside her. 

She quietly spoke, “The resistance came after me again, tried to abduct me...Nazi’s intercepted them because they were looking for me as well, under Smith’s order, and they took me to SS headquarters. Smith allowed me to stay at his house until it was safe to leave and they had shut down the resistance members who were involved.”

He listened, patiently, but already mistrusting anything to do with Smith. Trying to wrap his head around it all.

”While I was there, some resistance members attempted to break into my bedroom window. It was awful. I’ve had nightmares pretty much every night since then.”

”So where exactly are you living _now_?”

”With Lucy Collins, she was one of the first friends I’d made when I came here.”

”So that’s the Lucy who the resistance used and her journalist husband was killed?”

”Yes.”

He held his face down, between his hands. 

“That’s a lot to digest. I guess my life’s been pretty boring compared to yours,” he laughed quietly. 

”I don’t know that _boring_ is the word I’d use to describe it.”

She knocked back the last sip of her drink. “Listen I gotta run, I have the early shift again tomorrow.”

“Sure. Let me call you a cab.” 

“Thanks.”

“I don’t leave till Wednesday,” he said to her softly, “Will I see you tomorrow?”

She’d had a nice evening with him and she couldn’t deny that there was still an attraction  there...

John’s words echoed in her head, _“You_ _should probably move in that direction...”_

 _”_ I’d like that.”

She was thankful that the evening hadn’t turned intimate. She wasn’t ready for that. Didn’t want that. Only one man was on her mind, in her heart.

 

                            ******  
  


When Juliana came home that night, she found a note on the dining room table. 

It read:

“ _John called looking for you. Said he was worried about your safety and wanted you to call him when you got home. See you in the morning._

_-Lucy_

 

She looked at the clock.

11:30.

Was it too late to call? she wondered.    
  


                            ******

  
John answered the door in his bathrobe. The officers were no longer at his house or Lucy’s, he’d stopped that the week before as their services were more useful elsewhere and he was also growing weary of being constantly monitored. 

He pulled her in the house and quietly shut the door. No sooner had she come inside and they were entangled in each others’ arms.

She instinctively offered him her mouth, despite all she’d promised herself, running her fingers through his hair...down, inside his robe to graze over his warm, welcoming chest.

His body responded just as instinctively. If she hadn’t done it, he certainly would have. 

When their kisses grew too urgent, he took her hand and led her upstairs. Slowly. Silently.

 

                            ******  
  


John lay on his bed and watched Juliana as she slipped her shirt and capris back on quickly. He stood up to put his robe back on.

Finally feeling like the timing was right, he dared ask about her adventures earlier in the night.

“So...Lucy said you were with a friend from out west after work today.”

She began fastening her coat. “Yes, I believe you’re acquainted with him—Mr. Joe Blake.”

His stomach tightened. How did he find her so quickly?

She detected his confusion _. “_ I assumed you already knew that. Didn’t you tell him where I worked?”

”No. We didn’t speak of you at all.”

”Hmm, I don’t know. I’ll ask him tomorrow when I see him.”

”Tomorrow?”

”He said he had to leave Wednesday.”

”Ah, yes.”

She’s wasting no time rekindling her connection with him, he thought.

Before she opened the door, she turned and gave him a slow, sweet kiss. 

When their lips finally parted, he whispered softly against them.

”I’m not sure when I’ll see you again, Juliana.”

Her eyes roved over his face, taking it in, trying to remember every detail.

”I know..” She hugged him tightly, then opened the door. “Maybe tonight...was the perfect way to say goodbye.”

She gave him one final, quick kiss, then turned to leave.

He stared at the closed door a moment, then rested his head against it.   
  


  
                             ******  
  


                    **~One Month Later~  
  
**

Juliana busied herself with work, often pulling double shifts and coming home too late to even see Lucy. 

She hadn't attempted to see or talk to John, and to her knowledge he hadn’t tried to contact her. It was better that way, she kept reminding herself.

Lucy was often out with Erich so she’d had many long, lonely nights when she’d sit by the fireplace alone, wishing he was there with her.

Staring at the other side of her bed, remembering _how good_ everything about him felt. Missing his tender touch. Missing his raw sexuality. Missing all of the complexities about him which she never fully understood but was always fascinated by.

Joe had been away for close to three weeks on his first mission, then the few days he was home before leaving again, she hadn’t been feeling well and wasn’t able to see him.  

Her alarm went off. It was 6:00 am. She had to catch the 7:00 train to make it to the diner for her 7:30 shift. Lucy was still asleep so she tried to keep quiet. 

She forced herself out of bed and went out to the kitchen to make herself some toast. That seemed to be the only thing she could keep down for the past week.

She managed to finish the toast and went to the bathroom to wash her face. As she splashed the water to rinse the soap off, she stared at her reflection a moment, noticing her face had gotten a bit thinner, not to mention pale.

Nothing a little blush wouldn’t remedy. Probably because I haven’t had much of an appetite lately. And I haven’t had an appetite because I’ve been depressed, she surmised.

She decided not to give the matter any more thought and finished getting herself ready. 

The weekday 7:00 train was always bustling. Mostly filled with businessmen. She often felt their gazes, but she didn’t make eye contact. She wasn’t interested. These days men only brought her more confusion and trouble. Better to be alone for now, till she could get her life in order. 

The bumpiness of the ride began to nauseate her. Her stop was next. _Thank god_. She quickly walked down the sidewalk to make her way towards the diner, oblivious of everything around her, on a straight path to the bathroom. 

She ran to a stall and held her hair back moments before she vomited. Weak-kneed and shaking, she pulled herself back up and wiped her mouth before unlatching the door. She was due on the floor in five minutes.

Donna was re-applying her lipstick in the mirror when she came out. 

“Honey are you alright? That’s the second time this week you’ve done that.”

Juliana straightened her uniform and attempted to freshen her hair, not having any desire to make polite small talk with this woman who she had nothing in common with. 

“Sure, I’m fine. Guess I’ve just had a little stomach bug or ate something that upset my stomach...”

”Hmm, well how _long_ have you had it?”

Juliana shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t know? A week or so? Haven’t really kept track.”

Donna’s twisted her mouth off to the side, “Anything _else_ feel different?”

Juliana thought a moment...”I guess my breasts have been pretty sore, but that doesn’t seem related.”

The thirty-something prostitute-turned-hostess nodded her head and gave her a shocked expression. 

“Sweetheart. You’re pregnant,” she said matter-of-factly.

Juliana immediately shook her head. “ _No, no, no_...not me...I can’t get pregnant,” she said adamantly. “The doctors examined me and told me I couldn’t bear children.”

”I don’t give a fig _what_ the doctors said, I’m telling you, _you’re pregnant_. You have all the signs. Morning sickness, sore breasts.”

”I’m not just nauseous in the morning, sometimes midday or even at night.”

She laughed at her naivety, “Morning sickness can happen any time, _trust me,_ I’ve been pregnant three times, I know.”

Juliana looked down, nervously running her hands through her hair, hands trembling.

Suddenly she looked directly at Donna, eyes widened. She’d just remembered something else.

“I missed my last period. I’ve never been late, since I started my period when I was thirteen.”

Donna touched her shoulder kindly. “Honey if you don’t want the baby, I have a few connections. I can tell you where to go to take care of it.”

Juliana remembered that all abortions must be authorized by the State and meet certain criteria to be performed. Unauthorized abortions which are not performed by a State-approved physician were not only illegal, but could result in severe penalty. She’d learned about it when she studied for her citizenship. 

She clutched her stomach, “I think I’m gonna be sick again,” she said as she ran back in the stall. 

                             ******  
  


Her shift was a blur that day. She could scarcely focus on anything...her mind swirling with a hundred converging thoughts.

Ever since the bus accident she’d given up on the idea of ever having children.

Now here she was, carrying the Reichsmarschall of North America’s child, unmarried and basically unattached for that matter.

The thought of aborting she and John’s baby sickened her.  

Do I have a choice? I can’t have a baby out of wedlock, especially here. Where would this baby and I live? The neutral zone? Filled with lawless anarchy, and is it fair to bring a child into this world with all of its’ cruelties?

When her shift ended she pulled Donna in the bathroom to ask for the information.

                         

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so excited to write the next few chapters, hopefully more to come soon...


	24. Headlights

John bolted straight up in bed, heart pounding feverishly.

”What’s wrong?” Helen stammered sleepily.

He took several long, deep breaths to collect himself. 

Images of Fatima had been torturing him, cloaking his sleeping mind in horrifying nightmares. Dr. Mengele’s voice had been cycling in his brain since he’d visited the Ahnenerbe Research Institute...’ _we’ve come to regard her as a traveler...she has learned how to traverse the astral plane,’_  Mixed in amongst these visions were images of the heinous murders in the streets of Cincinnati years before, haunting him mercilessly.

Divulging these things to Helen was simply out of the question, as much as he needed comfort. She was doing somewhat better lately, the last thing he needed was regression in her mental status.

He reached for the glass of water on his nightstand and took a sip. 

“It’s nothing dear, just a bad dream. Sorry I woke you.”

“You’ve been having quite a few of those lately.”

He had thought she’d slept through those. He set down the glass and settled back into the blanket. 

“Dr. Ryan says it’s best to talk about these things...work though them.”

She’d made several references of this type lately, it was beginning to annoy him.

”Just not really up for that right now...I have an early meeting, need my sleep, thank you though,” he said plainly, not wanting to be psychoanalyzed at 3:00 a.m. 

“Suit yourself John. Sleep well.”

”You too.”

He rolled over, back against her, glad that the conversation hadn’t drug on the way he was anticipating it would. 

As he lay there, he came to the stark realization that Helen was no longer the comfort and confidante she’d always been. Much as he didn’t want to accept it, in the time since her return their relationship had  been reduced to one of seasoned roommates.

The flames of their romantic life had dulled to a flame quite awhile _before_ she’d left and could currently be regarded as a flicker at best.

They’d slept together a few times, mostly due to John’s attempt to help them, and particularly _her,_ restore normalcy. _Familiar..._ _Normal..._ _Necessary..._

 

_******_   
  


Juliana anxiously stoked the fire.

Headlights glared through the living room curtains.

That would be John.

He’d called her from his home office yesterday afternoon when Helen and the girls were out running errands and told her he wanted to stop tonight by for a quick visit.

In the last fifteen hours since his call, her mind had been plagued with guilt, second-guessing her initial choice to not tell him about the pregnancy.

What good would it do? His wife was back, he already had a family. We’ve both tried to distance ourselves from one another...then he called, taking me right back to the start. 

Still, she couldn’t help but tingle when she’d heard his voice on the other end of the line.

The lock clicked and she opened the door to let him in, head down.

He set his hat and coat on the rack, taking quick mental note of her thinner, paler form as they walked toward the couch to sit down.

”Can I get you a drink?”

”Ah, that would be nice. I don’t have long though. But I wanted to check on you.”

_Those hands, those lips, God I’ve missed him..._

“What do mean ‘check on me?’

“Joe Blake was talking to Erich last week when he was in town—said he hadn’t seen you.. that you weren’t feeling well.”

She walked over and poked at the fire again, nervously.

”Oh?” she said causally. “Yes, I’m doing better now. Think I had the flu or something...Thanks for your concern, I’m fine though...” _Heart pounding...pounding._

He stroked his chin a moment then took a deep breath. 

“Don’t lie to me Juliana. You know better than that.”

She lifted her head and chanced a direct glance over to him. Contemplating her fate.

”John I— 

She retreated and swallowed hard. _Do it, just do it._

Instantly feeling lightheaded, she fled to the bathroom and tossed up the toilet lid...

Head swirling unremittingly, her senses threatened to abandon her as she grappled with her circumstances.

She felt his nearness behind her. He held her hair back while she finished, then handed her a tissue. 

She stared ahead blankly for a second, then blinked hard and slowly stood up. 

As she turned around, she sensed the intensity of his eyes on hers, piercing. _No choice now...I’ll have to tell him._

”You’re pregnant.”

Her eyes darted all around his face, searching, seeking, needing direction.

She slowly nodded, having lost the emotional strength to deny it.

“Yes.”

He walked out of the bathroom and began pacing down the hall, hands raking through his hair. 

She steadied herself against the wall, arms crossed.

”I thought the doctors examined you, told you that pregnancy wasn’t possible?”, he asked tersely, attempting to fathom what was unraveling.

”They did. I _never_ thought this was possible, _ever_. Don’t you think I would’ve asked you to wear protection?”

He leaned against the wall and let out a long and aggrieved sigh. “Have you and J—

“It’s _yours_ John.”

His eyes narrowed. Now it was he who searched her eyes, seeking the truth.

He’d interrogated more souls than he cared to admit, but when it came to personal situations he sometimes found himself remarkably undiscerning...

She advanced toward him, resting her hand on his forearm reassuringly. 

“Please believe me when I tell you that I didn’t sleep with Joe,” she whispered. “He’s been away, _you_ know that, and besides...the few times we’ve spent together, it just hasn’t become intimate. I didn’t _want_ it to.”

“I do believe you. I just...”

He paused, not wanting to say the wrong thing. Years of practice had taught him that appropriate word choice was vital in these moments _and_  more to the point, with a pregnant woman.

He walked away from her...processing. “I don’t know what to say, I-

The front door opened and Lucy walked in, she noticed John’s coat and hat...then her eyes trailed down the hall to where he and Juliana stood. 

“Hello Lucy,” he said. 

”John, I actually just left your house. Bridge club.” 

She hung up her coat and slipped her shoes off.

“I don’t want to alarm you, but Helen was starting to worry why you weren’t home-“

He looked at his watch. “ _Shit_ ,” he said under his breath. “I lost track of time, I gotta go.”

He raced to the doorway and hastily threw on his hat and coat.

”Sorry to leave so quickly, have a nice night ladies.”

The door shut.

Lucy immediately shot Juliana a puzzled look.

“What was _that_? He looked like the cat that just ate the canary.”

Shaken up by his abrupt departure, Juliana tried to keep calm and nonchalant.

She cleared her throat, holding back the tears. Thankfully the hall was dimly lit, Lucy wouldn’t notice. 

“He just wanted to stop by for a quick visit, he had told me he couldn’t stay long,” she offered, feeling pathetic. 

“Oh, okay.”

Lucy knew there was more to it but she’d gotten to know Juliana well enough to realize it was better left alone. 

“Well, I’m off to bed. If you need me, even just to chat, don’t hesitate.”

”Of course, thank you Lucy.”

She walked into her room, parking herself at the foot of the bed. Still processing...

He’d practically run out of the house without saying goodbye. He’s either rekindled his relationship with Helen or he’s restoring his carefully constructed walls once again. 

She'd made an appointment for after work tomorrow. She would stick to her original decision, she thought to herself. John certainly didn’t take the news well, maybe that was the closure she was needing to go ahead with it.  

She slipped on her nightgown and resolutely walked down the hall. Lucy’s bedroom door was slightly cracked. She tapped it open lightly. 

“Mind if I come in?”

Lucy looked up from her bed and smiled.   
  


                             *******  
  


Work was a nice diversion. She immersed herself in every trivial task she could, immediately redirecting any thoughts that attempted to creep in... _unpleasant_ thoughts... _guilty_ thoughts.

When a mother and her little boy came in for a slice of pie she was grateful they didn’t stay long. Her eyes kept drifting back to them, stealing a glance every so often at the jovial pair and how they interacted so well. 

She finished rolling the silverware in a napkin, reminding herself of the wickedness of world in which they dwelled...how awful it would be to worry about another pool soul who was poisoned by it.

”Ma’am... _ma’am_...excuse me? You forgot my coffee—”

Juliana blinked hard. “I’m so sorry, I’ll get that  right away.”

The woman rolled her eyes in annoyance. Juliana ignored it, not allowing herself to be upset by this woman. She had much bigger, more important things on her mind. At least she only had thirty minutes to go. She could make it that long.

 

                               *****  
  


She peered up at the barbershop sign and took a deep breath before walking around to the alleyway.

‘Two knocks’, Donna had instructed her.

She shivered and drew her scarf tighter, waiting for the door to open.

“ _Only knock twice..._ _They’ll let you in when they can, they’re expecting you...”_

It was most definitely the wrong side of the tracks, that was blatantly obvious to her. She’d really only been exposed to the classier portions of Manhattan and Long Island.

This part of town was definitely home to the working class. The ones who would never move out of their metaphorical imprisonment to be allowed to become anything better...the part of town where _she_ undoubtedly would be living if not for John. 

While she felt more comfortable and less scrutinized here, it still unnerved her. The whole process, in fact, completely unnerved her.

The door opened, very slowly. A girl who looked to be no older than eighteen emerged, scrutinizing Juliana for several long seconds, then motioned for her to come in. 

“Julia?”

Juliana nodded.

“We have a few customers out front. It might be a minute. Wait here. ” she started to walk away, then turned. “I need the money.”

”I’m not giving you money till it’s done.”

The girl scoffed, “You don’t call the shots lady. Now _pay_ me or we’re done here.”

Juliana glanced around. Every second she was there her skin crawled more—better to just get it over with. 

“Fine.”

She pulled out a folded stack of bills and handed it to her. 

The girl quickly counted it and stuffed it in her back pocket.

“Good. Take off everything but your bra and wrap this sheet around you.”

As she began to undress, she tried to ignore the muffled voices and lurid sounds of suppressed screams which were emanating from behind a closed door to her right.

She hastily fumbled with her buttons and scrambled to free herself from her dress.

 

                            ******  
  


Juliana continued wandering through town in a trance-like state, trying to escape everything, dying to be rid of the growing anguish which had developed from the ongoing internal civil war raging between her mind and heart since she’d learned of her pregnancy.

Bright headlights shone on her back. It had started to rain.

Juliana turned around and saw John was tailing her. She began aimlessly running towards the park in despair, wiping her tears, trying to get away from him. 

He pulled the car off to the side and slammed the door shut, running after her.

” _Juliana_! Juliana stop!”

She kept up her pace but was no match for him. Bent over and heavily breathing, she stopped to catch her breath. He held her from behind.

“Get away,” she cried, sobbing in desperation, “Just _leave_ me alone!”

Her mild attempt to escape from his hold was only momentary...he felt her grip loosen and lightly kissed the back of her head. 

“ _Dammit_ Juliana, tell me you didn’t do it... _please_...tell me you didn’t do it!”

They we’re both soaked and it continued to rain. Neither noticed.

Time stood still.

He turned her around, firmly holding her shoulders.

She searched his eyes, her bottom lip quivering, hair dripping wet.

”No...I _couldn’t_ do it.” She shook her head, “I just couldn’t do that to our baby John.”

She began hysterically wailing, wanting his touch _so_ _badly_ but her stubbornness and pride held her back.

He’d hurt her last night and it should be he who made the first move.

There was no moon and they were in a section of Central Park without lights so they stood there in the cold, damp darkness.

Thankful for the cover of the black night, he didn’t waste the opportunity to give her the affection he had painstakingly held back last night.

He brushed a streak of wet hair away from her eyes and began madly kissing her lips, her forehead, her cheeks, any part of her face that he could...so _relieved_ to hear those words.

He took his coat off and gently draped it over her to shelter her from the elements as they started to walk back to his car. 

“They could’ve _killed_ you!” he said as soon as the car doors shut and they were safe inside, his relief now morphing into anger.

Still too shook up to speak, she continued to take deep breaths and held her eyes closed for a few moments.

”Those places are so _fucking_ filthy. Women die all the time.”

He remembered she was in a vulnerable state and softened his tone, taking her face in his hands and encircling her cheekbones tenderly with his thumbs. 

“I’m sorry about last night. I was a complete asshole. It was just a lot for me to wrap my head around, then Helen was wondering where I was and it rattled me. Trust me when I tell you I _don’t_ get rattled easily.” He rubbed his temples. “I barely slept last night thinking about all of it.”

”That makes two of us,” she sniffled.

”Lucy called me today at work, about 5:00...told me you were thinking about going to get an abortion after your shift ended at 6:00. I did some digging and found the place I thought you might go. When I got there they said you’d left already. That’s when I started driving, _panicked_ , trying to find you.”

A tear trickled down her cheek, he brushed it away, staring at where it had been. ”

He turned away from her and stared out the windshield into the blackness. 

“I’d better get you home.” He started the car and headed out towards Long Island. 

He had a momentary flashback of when Helen had first revealed her pregnancy with Thomas during the war. That same surge of protectiveness mingled with panic and uncertainty had started weighing on him as soon Juliana had told him the news.

He hadn’t felt that way with either Jennifer or Amy though. By that point his career as a successful Nazi officer had afforded him a sense peace and security.

This time he had no idea where the chips would fall...how to best protect someone that he should have no interest in protecting.

 

                              *******  
  


He tossed another log in the fireplace and walked over to draw a bath for her. 

“I don’t need to leave right away, probably have a few hours,” he said as he began lightly kissing the side of her neck from behind her where she stood. She stared down at the glowing fire, then reached down to hold her hand over his, resting on her shoulder. 

“That’s good,” she said, with curbed enthusiasm. 

He rested his chin in her shoulder and began unbuttoning her dress. 

She pulled away and walked over to the tub, her back to him.

Remembering how she’d cried herself to sleep last night, she resolved to not give in to him as readily as her body and heart we’re urging her to. She owed herself that. 

After finishing the buttons, the dress dropped to the ground. She lingered a moment, letting him gaze at her naked image before slowly stepping into the hot, steamy water.

Had she always been _so_ lovely or had she grown even lovelier in the month they’d been apart, he wondered, unabashedly ogling her nude form from where he sat on the bed.

Perhaps it was because he knew his seed was growing inside her belly, the culmination of their affections, the illicit acts which he unsuccessfully tried to banish from his waking brain but regularly colored his daily thoughts.

Based on the lukewarm sentiment she was giving him, he decided to not disrobe and join her, despite his salacious mood.

”I’m getting a drink, can I get you something?” he asked, unsure of what he’d done to upset her...but then reminding himself of Helen's unpredictable moods during her pregnancies. 

“Water please.”

”Sure.”

She was finishing up with rinsing her hair when he returned. He brought over her robe and offered his hand as she stepped out. 

She refused him her eyes. 

He helped her slip the robe on then lifted her chin. 

“ _Hey_ , where are you?”

Her eyes were transfixed on his shirt collar.

”I’ve tried so hard to get you out of my mind, _so hard_. I can’t go through it again.”

He brushed his lips against hers and pulled her hips into him, against his hardness. 

”Don’t you think it’s the same for me?” He kissed her lightly once more. “You don't need to go through it again, I’m _here,”_ he whispered. 

”You’re here now but then who knows when I’ll see you again.”

She tightened her robe and walked over to sit on the bed.

“You know I can’t see you anytime I’d like, especially not with Helen back.” He sat down beside her.

She looked up at him, glassy eyed, terrified.

”I’m _scared_ John.”

”We’ll figure it out. Listen...” he softly kissed her damp eyelids. “I won’t let anything happen to you or the baby, okay? Believe me.”

She brushed her tears away and nodded, leaning in to hug him.

“Okay,” she managed.

He played with her hair a moment, then looked at her so intently it startled her. 

“I love you, Juliana.”

She held her eyes shut tight. She’d _longed_ to hear those words from him. She lived for them.

Even though she had _read_ it in his eyes long before tonight, had _felt_ it with conviction every time he touched her...the way he lingered longer and in a much more endearing way than someone who just wanted her body. It still felt so exhilarating and satisfying to hear it from him. 

When she opened her eyes, their brilliant blue hues cut through him like a laser. 

He opened up her robe and lay her down gently on the bed, as if she were a virgin and they were about to make love for the first time. 

She tossed her head back the instant she felt his warm hands, grazing her inner thighs, moving upwards and caressing her flat, taut stomach. He lowered his head to plant kisses all over it.

She watched him and rapturously ran her fingers through his hair, then pulled him up to her head, seductively offering him her neck. 

Their bodies fell right back into their natural rhythm as he feasted on the satiny skin of her neck. She guided his hard flesh inside her, incapable of keeping it out any longer, craving it like a drug, unable to get enough to assuage her addiction.

Even though they’d been together many times now, his size never ceased to amaze her, she always marveled at it. _Craved it._ Would continue to crave it for the rest of her life, of that she was certain.

Neither spoke, their bodies did that. 

As his thrusting became more urgent she held onto his backside, squeezing it in a tantalizing  manner which propelled him to climax.

”About to come ...”

She clenched down on him and he filled her for what seemed like forever. He kept tightly inside her, slowly massaging himself.

“Harder...” she squeezed him again and he did as told, mustering up his last ounce of energy to satisfy her.

She moaned, gripping him with all her might.

“Ahhhhh....” she gasped loudly, the unbridled passion which he’d _missed so much_.

A few seconds after, she looked up at his adoring eyes perched above her, his mouth set in that soft, satiated grin which she found achingly sexy.

She kissed his lips and returned the smile.

“I love you too John.”

 


	25. All In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting complicated....hold on for a ride...;)
> 
> This chapter is on the shorter side, but hang tight, more to come soon...

He pulled out of her and lay on his side, his hand following the curvature down over her hips then across her stomach. He envisioned her svelte figure changing over the next few months, her toned stomach growing fuller.

Trying to ignore the clock that was glaring at him, he began tracing his index finger around her face.

She drew him closer, wanting to feel his warm tongue with hers. He gave her the slowest of kisses, then managed a forced smile as he sat up to lean against the backboard, unable to postpone what he needed to say any longer.

”I’ve been thinking about what would be best for us _and..._ for the baby.” He shook his head. “There aren’t many viable options.”

She pulled the sheet up towards her chin and leaned over to look at him. Gut twisting with anticipation. 

”Joe should be back Thursday.” His eyes glanced away, lacking the capacity to meet hers. “Maybe it’s time for you and he to...take things to the next level.”

Hearing it out loud was so much worse than in his head.

He ran his fingers through his hair and continued. “A match with Joe would please Himmler. Couple that with the pregnancy and you’ll be set. No need to worry about satisfying GNR brass or socialites after that. It would also get us off of his radar. He doesn’t tend to appreciate...distractions.”

“I’d be lying if I didn’t say it’s crossed my mind. I’m just not sure how that would go. What if he notices the timing doesn’t line up?”

She walked over to the dresser to pull out a pair of white lace panties and stepped into them, then put on a matching white camisole. He loved the way her panties hugged her hips, accentuating her shape nicely.

Not making this any easier on me is she? He thought. 

“Do you think it will work?” she asked.

”Truthfully? I’m not sure. In my experience, if you act the part, if you try to believe it and buy into it yourself, the rest will fall into place.”

He imagined Helen tilting up one eyebrow with a shocked expression on her face if she’d heard that.

“It’s your first baby so you won’t show for awhile yet, but then again you’re so small any bump will stand out. You can fabricate a date for the baby, he’ll likely be gone for any doctor appointments with his travel schedule, and if not I’ll make sure I schedule something for him. Maybe you could tell him you mixed up the date of your last period and the due date was off.”

Noticing how overwhelmed her face looked, he leaned her forward and lifted her camisole to scratch her back. 

“I know you’re scared, but this is truly a good thing. You being able to bear a child for the Reich is so important.”

 _For the Reich_ , what a sickening concept, she thought. Even though they had talked about it several times, with him telling her that everything he’d done had been for his family’s survival, she still had uncertainties. Nagging doubts. Especially when he made comments like that. 

“I’m not sure if it’s come up in conversation, but you should know that Joe and I have had a fairly tumultuous relationship.”

He paused, considering withholding the next part, then concluded that Joe would most likely tell her his version of events anyhow. Better to preemptively defend himself, if possible.

”Oh?” she commented, interested to see how this would play out.

”Truth is, I was the one who assigned him to go on a mission to the neutral zone, where  you two initially met.”

He laced his fingers together and rested both index fingers against his lips in a contemplative pose. “Without getting into the details regarding our encounters, I’ll say this, there are two sides to every story. Remember that.”

”Yes of course John.”

A part of her wanted to press him for more information, the other part didn’t want to know his answers. She sensed he wasn’t going to divulge much more than he already had anyhow, so she nodded, eager to move on. 

“Did Helen feel this sick with her pregnancies?”  

The mention of her name always made him supremely uncomfortable, particularly in this instance. 

He cleared his throat and pulled her camisole back down.

“Seems like ages ago, but I think she was with Thomas. Maybe a little with Amy also.”

He pulled her back against him, his arms encircled around her, chin resting over her shoulder. “I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough go of it with the morning sickness, but it _does_ get better. And trust me,” he pulled her chin around towards him, “you’re going to make a terrific mother.” 

“Hmm, I don’t know,” she said, with doubtful tone.

He smirked. “I thought the same thing before Thomas was born.”

He reached for his cigarette case and took one out. “But there’s nothing like holding a little baby in your arms. Terrifying and beautiful all at once.”

Thomas. Thomas. Thomas. Her stomach churned. What if this baby...no, don’t think about that right now...

He took a long drag. “Let’s hope she looks like you,” he smiled as he exhaled the smoke and tickled her side playfully. 

“Yes let’s hope,” she teased back.

” _Hey!_ ” he said with feigned irritation.

He set the cigarette down in the ash tray and began mercilessly tickling her wherever he could. Her laughter was infectious and he couldn’t keep from joining in, forgetting the last time he had really laughed. 

She always brought out a youthful side of him, one he didn’t realize he _still had_ until he found himself doing things he hadn’t since he was young. Things you did when you were dating, things you did when you were smitten, things you did when you first fell in love with someone. Had he been this way with Helen? He couldn’t remember, didn’t want to remember. She had given up on them and, after a hard-fought battle, so had he.

She looked up at him, smiling over her, so handsome it hurt. “Did you say _she_?”

”Yes.”

”What makes you so sure the baby will be a girl?”

”Nothing really. Just hoping I guess.”

He smiled and lifted off her camisole. After nuzzling his face between her breasts a moment, he fondled each one then gazed up at her with a boyish grin. She returned the smile, wanting more of his touch...never, _never_ able to get enough of it.

“These are more...enhanced,” he said, letting out a delighted moan, ” _Damn._ ”

She felt herself getting wet again. 

”I was wondering if you’d notice.” 

”Wondering? I know _every_ inch of this beautiful body, of course I noticed.”

She twisted her lips off to the side in a smile and guided his hand down to the lacy crotch of her panties, rubbing him firmly against the dampness.

“Mmmm...” he groaned, his finger traveling behind the thin cotton to find her silky, wet folds. 

She turned onto her side, spooning him. She’d only done it this way one other time, and it had been nice. Surely it would be even better with him, she thought.

”Let’s try it this way,” she said, wriggling her panties down.

He loved when she directed him. Without a second’s hesitation, he slid right in, raising one of his legs to angle himself in better.

“ _Fuck!_ I can get so deep in you this way Juliana,” he growled.

She groaned as he plunged fully in and began thrusting. 

She arched her back and draped her leg over his. “God John...” she reached her hand down and grazed his drenched cock, agilely sliding in and out of her.”

“I love feeling you moving in me like this. Your cock is so _huge._ ”

His pace turned more vigorous after hearing the ego boost, her flattery never lost on him.

God was he good at this... _at all of it._ Had he had many women before Helen? She realized she’d never asked. Probably, she reasoned. He was too good. Too skillful.

“No one but you could get me to come again in thirty minutes,” he purred into her ear, sucking her lobe for a few seconds like hard candy, “you’re so sexy.”

He peered down and watched himself push in and out of her, greedily marking his territory with each glide, loathing the idea of turning her over to Joe. One hand gripped her back, the other latched onto her hip.

” _I’m gonna fill you up again,_ ” he said, his breath heavy.

He fervently hammered into her for several minutes. She felt his manhood throbbing and smiled as the sensation of his pumping tingled her insides. 

Careful to keep him embedded, she guided him down onto his back and plunged down onto him. He clutched her breasts, holding them while she audaciously rode him to her orgasm. 

“ _That’s it...that’s it,_ ” he said, spurring her on, gripping her hips while she climaxed. 

She slackened her arms from their straightened position and toppled down on his chest, surrendering her body to rest, finally. 

She cuddled into his chest and he pulled the quilt up to cover over them. Their sticky, post-coital bodies entwined in a satisfied embrace. 

He glanced at the clock _. 12:30._ Helen would have questions. That was a given. 

Once he felt her muscles loosen and was certain she was asleep, he carefully freed himself of her hold and quietly dressed.

He suddenly remembered her telling him how much money she’d paid for the abortion, he had pushed her for every detail of the experience. He knew money was tight for her. Fumbling through his wallet, he pulled out all of his bills and set them beside her purse, then turned to leave.   
  


                               *******   
  


Lucy glanced down at her finger, sparkling beautifully, in direct contrast to the winter sky, enveloped in its usual December grayness.

Erich had just proposed to her on their lunch date. He took her back to the restaurant where they’d gone on their first date. She’d accepted with certainty, much to his chagrin. It felt so nice, this time around, to be marrying for _love_ , she thought. 

They had decided not to wait too long. She’d already experienced an over-the-top wedding with Henry and had no desire for that again. Despite popular belief, she was actually quite shy and didn’t like the attention. A small ceremony with just a few close family members and friends, she’d told Erich. No fuss. 

They strolled along, holding hands blissfully, discussing their plans.

He guided her to sit down with him on a bench. It had some bird feathers on it so he brushed them off with his newspaper.

”Lucy I was wondering what you’d think about me moving in with you. I have my apartment in the city but I know you love it on Long Island.”

She could tell he was broaching the subject gingerly, not wanting to upset her. This was one of the reasons she loved him so much. He wholeheartedly adored her and always put her first. 

She brought his hand up to her lips and kissed them with a loving smile.

”If you’re sure you don’t mind, yes, that would be lovely. I love you Erich.”

”I love you too Lucy,” he said as he leaned in for a hug.

She looked down a moment, in hesitation. 

“I can’t kick Julia out though. Would it be alright with you if she stayed with us until she got her own place? We’ve gotten to be such good friends, I just won’t do that to her.”

”Sure sweetheart. I understand. Although I will say she’s been talking to someone at work so I’m not sure how long she’ll be single.”

”Oh? I didn’t know.”

Who? John was just over a few days ago and she hadn’t gone on any dates that she knew of.

“Yeah, guess it’s a guy who she had met back home that was doing undercover work for John. They recently rekindled themselves and have been talking.”

”Hmmm, I’ll have to ask her.” Why didn’t she tell me?

He looked at his watch _. ”_ Anyhow, I’ve gotta back to work. Let me get you on the train.”

Lucy smiled and laced her arm through his as they started walking, wracking her brain wondering who it could be.

 

                         *******  
  


Juliana spun around to see who had grabbed her waist, a few of her pens fell out of her apron. 

“Hey, you’re back.”

Joe flashed her a smile and bent to pick up the pens.

”Hey yourself,  _sexy_ ,” he whispered into her ear.

She was relieved to see some of the charisma she’d remembered fondly, the side of him she couldn’t seem to find in their last few encounters. 

“What do you say we get some dinner when you’re done here?”

She glanced at her tables to make sure they didn’t need anything. 

“That sounds great. As soon as those two tables leave I’ll be done.”

Perfect. He already seems to be in the right mood. This should be easy.

“Alright I’ll get a cup of coffee up at the bar while I wait.”

”Sure.”

There was no denying they had chemistry, she thought as he walked away to the bar. She’d always found him handsome and he carried himself with an easy charm which she found appealing. 

They had dinner at a small restaurant down the street, nothing fancy because she was still in work clothes. 

She had to admit that it _was_ nice to actually be out, publicly spending time with him and no concern for watchful eyes on them like she always felt with John. 

He didn’t offer any details regarding his last trip so she didn’t dare ask for fear she would sabotage her plan. The conversation had been light and he’d had a few drinks, things were going well. She was thankful he hadn’t asked why she only drank water at dinner. 

After the waitress brought the bill and they were about to leave, she summoned the nerve to make her move. 

“Joe, why don’t we head back to your place, hang out a bit more? The night’s still young,” she said suggestively. 

“Um, yeah, sure. I’d like that,” he answered with a smile, surprised at her brazenness but utterly thrilled at the prospect.  

“Perfect.”

They exchanged sultry glances, both aware where the evening was heading.   
  


                         ******  
  


Joe locked the door and tossed his keys on the table. He looked back at where Juliana stood.

”Mind if I breeze through your shower? I worked all day and it’d be nice to freshen up.” 

“Sure. I don’t have any fancy shampoo or soap, but it’ll do the job.”

”Basic works for me, I’m pretty low maintenance.”

He smiled. “Okay. There’s a clean towel and washcloth under the sink.” He took a sip of his drink, then added, “Don’t take _too_ long, I’ll get lonely.”

She winked, then walked away. 

The way her body stirred surprised her. She loved John, her mind was poisoned with him, but why did she feel so eager. He _had_ told her to play the part, to believe it, then it would work. 

She turned the shower on and quickly undressed. There was a bar of soap and small container of shampoo, no conditioner. It would have to do, he wouldn’t care about her hair tonight anyhow. At least the water was hot, almost scolding in fact.

Instantly remembering the surveillance, she looked out from behind the shower curtain to see if she could detect any devices. There didn’t seem to be any but she wasn’t entirely sure. The thought of it turned her stomach.

Surely John wouldn’t torture himself with viewing any of the footage. Or would he?

She walked out of the bathroom, towel around her and damp hair.

He shot her a desirous glance, trying to read her signals. 

“Feel better?”

”Yes. Much. Shower was nice and hot.”

”Good.”

”I don’t suppose you have a comb or brush of some kind?”

”Hmm, actually yes.” He walked over to his suitcase which he hadn’t unpacked yet and rummaged through until he found a small brown brush. “Here you go.”

”Thanks.” She stood in front of the mirror and began brushing though her dark brown locks.

He slowly walked up behind her and placed his hand over the brush.

”Let me,” he said, his voice ripe with lust.

“Juliana, I hope you realize that you were the one thing that got me through the hell I endured in Berlin.” He gently stroked the brush through her hair, staring at her in the mirror. 

She stood up and turned around to face him. “You’re stronger than you realize Joe,” she said with kind eyes.

He held her shoulders and searched her face. “I wanted you from the first time I laid eyes on you at that diner. And I’ve been more patient with you than I have for anyone.”

”I wanted you too,” she said softly, honestly. _She had_. Her relationship with Frank had held  her back, as well as her emotional state from having just lost her sister.

He began kissing her neck, softly at first, then more firmly. After hastily unbuckling, unzipping, unbuttoning every barrier that kept his skin from hers, he tore off her towel and pushed her backward onto the bed.

He was saying the right things, looking the part, but that unsettling emptiness still lingered. His eyes shone differently and it made her anxious. 

Though her heart was with John in that moment, she pushed against it, fought it with all her will. She  _had_ to do this for herself and the baby.

She tried to focus on the things which had always drawn her to Joe. Physical and otherwise. 

Although he had no intent to hurt her, would never consciously bring her harm, his subconscious won out. Months of pent up hostilities, repressed anger, mental and emotional anguish ran through his veins.

She winced as he opened her legs and thrust himself in. With little foreplay, she wasn’t very wet, but his need was too great. He would take first, that was clear. Of course she would’ve been more than ready had it been John who was about to ransack her. She’d hoped that Joe would’ve elicited a similar reaction but it hadn’t come close.

She reasoned that there was too much pressure involved tonight, the stakes were so high that she hadn’t allowed herself to truly immerse herself in the experience. Maybe next time it would be better.

Longing for John’s tenderness, she clenched her jaw and closed her eyes, imagining it was he who was penetrating her, roughly clutching her breasts, moaning heavily.

She’d never been handled _quite_ this aggressively. Well, when she thought about it a moment more, she remembered she had. John had been rough with her several times, but she’d still felt his love woven throughout. He always checked in with her, making sure she wasn’t uncomfortable. 

Those long empty nights by herself she’d come to realize that she and John had fallen in love well _before_ they’d slept together. Or at least it seemed.

She had never slept with someone she didn’t love until now, though she didn’t judge those who did. Her mother’s words had somehow always stuck with her...” _make sure you love someone before you make love with them._ ” She had thought it was lame at the time but she remembered it. It had never been a conscious choice, but nonetheless she was realizing perhaps why her mother chose to imprint that upon her and she was grateful that she’d listened. 

In this instance she was pleased that he was smaller than John...though he certainly wasn’t small. _Average_. She supposed. 

Finally, he’d picked up his stamina and she sensed he was about to come. He peered down at her, for the first time since he’d entered her. 

“Juliana you’re so good on me,” he moaned, “did you come already?”

”Uh-huh.” She lied, knowing that there was no way she would get there, wanting it to be over.

”You’re a quiet one aren’t you?”

_Not really._

” _Shit_...” he pulled out of her. “I forgot to put on a condom.”

Oh God we were so close...say something, anything...

”I can’t get pregnant, remember? My bus accident.” She hadn’t told him that before but it was the first lie that came to mind.

He pretended to remember. “Oh okay. Sorry I forgot.”

He pushed back in harshly and came hard after a minute or so.

 _Finally_. Over. 

She hoped he didn’t want to cuddle, that might be even worse than the act that preceded it. 

“I’m gonna go clean myself up,” she said.

”Sure,” he said, putting his boxer shorts back on.

She sat on the side of the bathtub and exhaled as she touched her stomach, missing John. Wanting his touch.

Something about the whole encounter made her feel dirty. Never would she have thought it would play out like that.

It must be all the stress he’s been under, I’m sure that’s it.

When she came back out, she was relieved to see that he’d passed out. 

Lucy would wonder where she was, she’d forgotten to tell her she was going out. It’ll be a good excuse to head home. 

She searched around and found a scrap of paper and pen to write a note.

 

                            ******


	26. Et tu Brute?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is all about betrayal, real and perceived...conflict has been long overdue for these characters; this is just the beginning.

Helen put on her earrings and generously spritzed her wrists and neck with her favorite perfume. She was running behind and had an appointment with Dr. Ryan soon.

”Coffee Mrs. Smith?” Martha asked when she walked out to the kitchen.

”No, thank you. I need to leave in just a minute.”

She paused, then glanced over to the sink where Martha was finishing up with the breakfast dishes. 

“Say Martha, I still feel guilty that I was away for so long. Maybe you could fill me in on some things.”

”Sure ma’am,” Martha answered, already fearful of where this was going. She dried her hands with the dish towel and slowly turned around.

”Did everything run as smoothly as John told me? The girls make it to all of their lessons and appointments?”

”Oh yes, no troubles with any of that.”

”And Miss Mills...what was it like with _her_ here? How was she with the girls? And John?”

”Fine. Everyone got along just fine.”

Martha was pleased with the way her voice sounded. But she knew, perhaps better than most, how adept Helen was with reading subtleties. Her inner conflict began to mount and her stomach turned queasy. 

Prior to Helen leaving, they had become very comfortable with one another, almost friends, depending on the day and Helen’s mood, but she _had_ started to care for Juliana the more time she’d spent with her. It had been refreshing to see the lighter side of John that she brought out. She briefly winced, picturing his turbulent reaction if she were to confirm any measure of affection between he and Juliana right now. 

Helen tilted her head slightly and a phony smile spread across her face, as if to suggest that she suspected there may be more.

”Martha. Let me be frank. We’ve known each other a very long time. Woman to woman, can you tell me with confidence that my husband behaved himself in my absence?”

“Of course ma’am.”

Martha had the slightest lilt to her voice and took a second too long to answer that time. Her response was off just enough to raise Helen’s already brewing suspicions. 

” _Martha_?” she shot back, with a tone that raised the hairs on the back of the housekeepers’ neck. 

“I’m not sure what you would like me to say Mrs. Smith?”

”Please. Call me Helen,” she demanded, her expression hardening. 

Helen’s eyes remained locked on her. 

”You know _exactly_ what I’m referring to Martha.”

Helen’s intimidation tactics were beginning to have their desired effect. She finally looked away from Martha, fearing she was coming on a bit too strong.

“She’s a young, good-looking woman. I noticed a hint of something in the short time I was here. Surely you were around them even more and can offer a better opinion. I don’t want to play the part of the ignorant wife who’s taken advantage of,” said Helen.

”Mrs. Sm—err, _Helen_. My duties do keep me quite busy. As far as I can remember, they seemed to get along fine. Their interactions were always professional. Cordial, nothing unsavory.”

” _Cordial_?”

”He’s an amiable man and gets along well with most people ma’am. He acted in the same manner with Miss Mills.”

Helen smiled, succumbing to the idea that Martha would not align herself with anything against John. _Damn him._ Martha should be _her_ confidante, not his. Her allegiance should be to her. 

“I suppose you’re right Martha.” She picked up her purse and started to leave, then turned back.

”I’m sure I don’t need to remind you of this, but we _do_ have surveillance in the house. I haven’t gotten around to it, but I plan to watch some of the tapes. It’s my sincere hope that everything you’ve told me corroborates with what I see.” 

She could tell that Martha had bought her lie. 

Helen felt a tinge of empathy noticing how Martha’s breathing had substantially quickened.

“I realize that John most likely terrifies you, but you needn’t worry. I give you my word that I won’t implicate you in the least.”

Already feeling she was in an extremely precarious position, she felt Helen required a bit more to feel satisfied and decided to indulge her curiosity.

“Helen, if I may?” Helen nodded. “I do think you should know that Mr. Smith was in a dark place. Thomas was gone. You left. I believe he took some measure of comfort in her friendship, but I didn’t witness anything that would constitute disrespect to you. He treated her the same as he does any of your friends who come ‘round. Mrs. Collins, Mrs. Adler—welcoming, but not adulterous.”

Of course she would leave out the obvious spring she’d noticed in his step, the defensiveness he’d had for Juliana the morning that she had dared to speak to her in a rude manner. The way he’d given more effort to style his hair a bit differently and wear cologne, to spend much more time at the house than she’d ever remembered. The way he glanced at Miss Mills when he thought no one was looking.

 _No_ , she wouldn’t mention any of those things, even though Helen had offered her protection. She knew bette _r._

Helen detected the merest hint of blame in the way she referred to her leaving John and the girls. Martha’s tone annoyed her.

“I can see how it would appear that I left my family in their hour of need, but Dr. Ryan has helped me realize that I was actually preserving myself so that I could be in a better position to help preserve and comfort  _them_ , although I wasn’t aware of it at the time.”

”Hmm, I see. That makes perfect sense.”

What she wanted to tell Helen is there probably wasn’t a family left to preserve. John had sought comfort in another woman’s arms. Her girls’ once strong affection for her was now stifled from their feelings of anger and resentment, due to their perceived maternal abandonment.

”Well if anything else comes to mind Martha, please let me know.”

Martha nodded, “Yes Helen, of course.” 

Before Helen rounded the kitchen corner, Martha added a lie for good measure, wanting better closure to the topic. 

“In my experience, every marriage has its ups and down ma’am. You two have suffered a great blow. The loss of a child, well, it’s just heartbreaking.” She paused, then looked at Helen with a sobered face. “But rest assured, he only has eyes for you.”

Helen nodded with a small but genuine smile, wanting to believe the lie. “Thank you,” she mustered.

 

                         ******  
  


Later that morning, Lucy found herself in a back booth at the diner. Juliana sat down to join her, coffee pot in hand.

”Hey, glad you could stop by. I only have a fifteen minute break.” She poured them each a cupful and handed Lucy the cream and sugar. 

”I had some shopping to do, just wanted to stop by and say hello.”

”Are you shopping for your dress?” Juliana asked, a gleam in her eye.

”I wish. No, I have a hair appointment and need some new black heels. Besides, I’d like for you and the ladies to do that with me.”

Juliana twisted her mouth to the side. “Not sure that’s a great idea Lucy. You know I haven’t seen Helen since her return.”

”Exactly. If you turn down another invitation with the group it will begin to look suspicious.” She grabbed her hand. “I know Helen is intimidating, but she _can_ be really kind, even funny, once you get to know her better, fiercely loyal when she likes someone.”

”It’s not necessarily that I find her intimidating, _well_ , I suppose I do a little,” she admitted, “but it’s mostly my own guilt.”

”We’ve been over this,” Lucy whispered. “It happened. You two just have this chemistry, this fire that can’t be ignored. Stop blaming yourself.”

”I think you’re slightly romanticizing it, don’t you?” Juliana smirked, her eyes glancing around to ensure their continued privacy. 

“Am I?” she said as she sipped her coffee. “Speaking of, when are you going to tell me about your new love interest? Some guy from out west?”

”Guess my communication hasn’t been too good lately, sorry.”

”No it hasn’t, but I forgive you,” she teased. 

“There’s not much to say really. He’s from New York, but we met when he was in the neutral zone doing work for John. We had a connection and we helped each other.”

”Name?”

”Joe Blake.”

”Joe Blake, _Joe Blake,_ ” she quietly repeated to herself, trying to place the name. “Sounds so familiar.” She rested her chin in her hand. “VA Day, _yes_ , that’s it. I remember Helen and I had made plans to cookout at their house last VA Day but John told her she needed to cancel because he’d invited two colleagues over. An old Nazi buddy and a young guy who John wanted to get to know better. Then Helen ended up telling me that Joe Blake actually stayed the night with them. A well-mannered, handsome kid she had said.”

”Hmm, I didn’t know that. Joe and I haven’t really spoke much of his relationship with John.”

Lucy set her cup down. “Listen, Erich and I were planning to catch a movie tonite, maybe drinks after. You and Joe should join us. I’d _love_ to meet him. Your superb taste in men is bar none,” she said with a quick wink.

Lucy looked so eager. Juliana, so hesitant.

“Come on, you need it. Too much work dulls the senses, let’s have a little fun.”

”Sure, you’re right. And he’s only in town for another few days anyhow.”

”That’s the spirit. See you at home later?”

”Yes, I should be home by 5:00.”

Lucy smiled and slung her purse over her shoulder to leave. 

Why didn’t I think of something? Tell her I had other plans, anything. She wiped down the table and reached for the dishes _._

 

_******_

 

John walked over to where Joe and Erich were talking when the afternoon meeting wrapped. They seemed in lighthearted moods.

”My apologies for interrupting. Interesting meeting wasn’t it?”

”Reichsmarschall. Yes, yes indeed,” said Erich. 

”Joe, a word?”

”Yes sir.”

Erich nodded and excused himself. 

“I’ll need you to stay a little later today so you and I can go over the details of your next trip.”

”Yes sir.”

John sensed a slight hesitation. “It _is_ Friday night, I forgot. Did you have plans?”

”Yes sir, but I can reschedule.”

“Nonsense. You go right ahead, I won’t spoil your date. We can discuss it Monday morning. Who’s the lucky lady?”

Joe cleared his throat. “Julia Mills, sir.”

John’s blood pressure spiked.

”Ah, yes I meant to inform you of her whereabouts, but it seems you had no trouble locating her on your own.”

”Yes sir.”

” _How_ , may I ask?”

”Strangest thing. The week I got back from Berlin, I had asked Erich if he knew of a good place to have lunch around here...he suggested Waverly Diner. She was waiting tables when I walked in.”

John slowly nodded, fuming upon learning of Erich’s betrayal but committed to maintaining his steely demeanor. Joe made eye contact with him now, morbidly curious as to why John was prying.

”Waverly Diner, he's right. Best dish in town,” John said, glaring at Joe. 

“Yes. It _was_. Quite tasty,” Joe said, in a mildly taunting manner.

The tension was dangerously palpable. 

John wanted to smash his head in. Who the fuck does Joe think he is? Had she slept with him yet? The only reason was necessity. Now I have to sit here and take his shit?

 _“_ Well, what are the plans?”

”Honestly Erich just told me a few minutes ago. I guess his fiancé wants the four of us to catch a movie, maybe drinks and dancing after.”

He could no longer stand the sight of Joe in front of him. He pictured all of them out tonight, enjoying each other’s company...laughing over drinks, Joe pulling her in closer while they danced. It sickened him. It shouldn’t. But it did nonetheless.

“That sounds...lovely.” He cracked his knuckles. “Things have an interesting way of working themselves out, don’t they Joe,” he said with his classic half-smile, loaded with guile and contempt, an expression he’d perfected years ago. Joe knew it well. 

”Yes they do, sir.”

”Heil Himmler,” John said.

”Heil Himmler.”

Joe held his eyes a bit longer than necessary with John, then exited. 

Everything was falling into place. Perfect execution. This is what he and Juliana had discussed. He supposed that his feelings for her ran much deeper than he’d thought. Not that he had ever _given_ it much thought. The moment he ever allowed himself to think about it, his guilt threatened to nauseate him. 

He cut off his office surveillance and dialed Erich’s extension.

Erich came in a few minutes later, his stomach queasy with anticipation. 

“Sir.”

John was standing at his window, gazing down at the street below. He refused to make eye contact with Erich. 

”Et tu, _Brute_?” John said quietly, as if speaking to himself. 

Erich instantly shook his head, “The contrary.”

”So you set them up and now you’re going on a double date with them tonight,” he scoffed, now turning around to look at him, “one might suggest you’re deliberately trying to fuck me over, Erich.” 

Though his words were harsh, he remained calm and even-tempered, exuding defeat more than disgust.

”Sir I—”

John dismissed him immediately, raising his hand up. “Now’s not the time for phony sentiments. Tell me something _real_.”

Erich bore an utterly shocked, horrified expression. “John please. Let me explain.”

”Reichsmarschall. We’re in my office now. Address me as Reichsmarschall.” He let out a soft, sadistic laugh. “What’s there to explain?” He walked closer to Erich and lowered his voice to a near whisper. “You’re the _only_ person I know I can trust in this building. Now this.”

Erich quickly blinked several times. “You  _know_ you’re like a brother to me.” He shook his head and lowered it. “I was trying to do what I thought best for you by sending him to that diner. I knew you were conflicted— I thought it would help. As for tonight—I had nothing to do with that, Lucy set up the entire thing.”

He knew deep down Erich did only have his interests in mind, much as he wanted to lash out at him. His misguided anger wouldn’t benefit anyone. 

John closed his eyes. “I never wanted her with Joe. You _know_ we have history. I wanted her with someone who wasn’t in the SS, someone I didn’t know.” He walked back to the window and stared out blankly again. “It’s not your fault Erich,” he exhaled, audibly, “if you hadn’t sent him there, they would’ve found each other anyhow.”

Erich walked over and rested his hand on John’s shoulder sympathetically. “I’m sorry.” 

When no response came, he added, “I’m sure it hurts like hell.”

John looked him directly in the eyes; they stood inches away from each other, in a close range that would be deemed uncomfortable to most men, but there was no hint of awkwardness. He regained his senses and tapped Erich’s hand several times to return the gesture of friendship. “I shouldn’t have allowed myself to become so vulnerable. That’s my cross to bear, not yours. Have a good time tonight. Please, forget we had this conversation. _Understand_?”

”Done.”

Erich glanced back over his shoulder at John once more before walking out the door, but John just continued staring out the window.

 

                           *****  
  


Juliana hadn’t spoken to Joe in a little over a week, since she’d left his bedside and placed a note on his dresser. She wondered how the night would go as she set down the curling iron, putting the final touches on her hair.

She wore one of Lucy’s dresses. It was royal blue, not very form-fitting, because despite Lucy’s reassurance that she wasn’t showing yet in the least, she still felt slightly paranoid. Regardless, Juliana wore it with her usual effortless grace and beauty. 

She was grateful Lucy hadn’t pushed her into an uncomfortable conversation about the pregnancy or the complicated love triangle she had found herself in as of late.

The doorbell rang. 

Lucy had already left with Erich a little while before so Juliana was home alone.

”Hey, come on in,” she said to Joe with a smile. 

“You look... _hmm_...you look beautiful Juliana.”

He handed her some flowers. “Thank you, these are gorgeous, I’ll put them in some water.”

A minute later he came up behind her where she stood at the sink, arranging the flowers in a vase. She felt a slight flutter as he encircled his arms around her waist, the glass of Riesling she’d had before he came now making her giddy. Despite the pregnancy, she justified the need for just one drink before the night began. Based on their last encounter, she felt she needed it. 

”My bed was cold when I woke up Wednesday morning. Sorry I passed out, you should’ve woke me up.”

He kissed her cheek lightly. She was already more hopeful than the other night. The prospect of a better _second_ impression excited her.

”You were pretty tired and I didn’t want to worry Lucy. She and I have been through so much lately.”

”Well I’m sorry I wasn’t here to offer my...protection.” He turned her around and continued to hold her waist. “But like you told me, you’re stronger than you realize also.”

She gave him a gentle smile. “Thank you.”

He lowered his head and leaned in to find her mouth. She surprised herself by parting her lips for him, then slowly swirling her tongue in his mouth.

 _Yes_ , this was the Joe she’d wanted, this was the Joe that had stirred her in Colorado. The Joe that _almost_ made her forget Frank (but someone else made her do that).The Joe who had put his life on the line for hers.

She allowed him to feast on her neck; he leaned in even more and revealed his hardness against her thigh. 

“ _Joe,”_ she moaned...Joe we’ll be late for the movie.”  

Of course, he wasn’t the one she wanted, but he’d do for the night. She knew Joe cared for her, perhaps more.

Besides, John could be sleeping with his wife tonight, giving himself to her, rekindling their love, filling her up. Although she knew John loved her, she couldn’t build a life on that love.. _maybe this,_ just maybe she could build a life on _this_. Joe was in front of her right now, the opportunity had presented itself. She _had_ to give it her best shot.

“Let's blow it off,” he murmured, their mouths still locked.

She pulled away slightly and gazed at him. “I’d love to, but we shouldn’t. Lucy wants to meet you. She’s such a good friend.”

He sighed, giving each of her breasts a light squeeze through her dress. “I suppose we have plenty of time,” he said, pulling her in for a final kiss.

”Yes,” she echoed. “We do.”

 

                         ******  
  


“He’s a catch Juliana,” Lucy said, grinning. Joe and Erich had walked over to the bar to order some drinks and it was the first opportunity she’d had to comment on Joe. They were at a posh nightclub, frequented by SS officers and high society. John and Helen had been there many times, as well as Lucy and Henry, and now several times Lucy and Erich. 

She and Joe were new comers and they both felt eyes on them. Not because they were being scrutinized, so much as admired, envied even. They made a handsome couple. Word would most likely spread in record time about the latest GNR pairing. 

Juliana smiled but didn’t comment. “Erich seems enamored with you, as always. Do you think he’s ready for the wedding?”

”Heavens yes, it can’t come soon enough for him. He’s ready to settle down, start a family. The whole nine yards. I just hope I can fulfill all these dreams I see in his eyes.”

”Gosh Lucy I think he’s thrilled to just be with you, to be marrying you, I wouldn’t worry about all that.”

”But he wants children, you know how that goes for me.”

”I bet it was Henry before. Besides, you’re much happier now, that will help.”

Lucy sighed, “I hope you’re right.”

”Cosmopolitan for the fetching blonde,” Erich said while handing Lucy her cocktail, “and water with just a splash of whiskey, per your request, for the pretty brunette.” She knew she wouldn’t get away without drinking alcohol for the entire evening, so she tried to minimize it as much as possible. 

“Thank you sweetie.”

”Yes thank you Erich.”

The band began playing “I’ve Got The World On A String.” Joe leaned in to Juliana’s ear, asking her if she wanted to dance. She smiled to indicate approval and he led her to the dance floor.

Her mind instantly traveled to the memory of she and John dancing at Jennifer’s middle school social. Her stomach flitted a bit remembering how he’d cut in when she was dancing with the math teacher. Would he do that again if he were here tonight? Something told her yes. The smell of his Old Spice had been so intoxicating that night. They hadn’t slept together yet, but both of them had wanted it.

“Hey,” Joe said quietly, interrupting her thoughts, “what are you thinking about?”

”Sorry. Nothing really. It’s just been a long day, guess my mind wandered off. Why don’t we get some fresh air?”

”Sure.”

They walked out to the outside patio. Crisp autumn air had turned into wintry chill in the last week as they sunk into mid-December. Luckily no one else was there so they had privacy, for the moment at least. 

“Juliana, I’ve been meaning to tell you something. It’s been on my mind lately and I want to be honest with you.”

”Okay,” she said, a bit nervously.

”When you first met me in the neutral zone, it didn’t really come up, but at the time I had been living with a girlfriend named Rita, as well as her seven year old son Buddy. Here in New York.”

He took a long sip of his drink. “Then when I got back from the neutral zone I tried to return to my construction job, but my father ordered me to Berlin. Before I left, Rita basically ended things, and she was right to. She’s a good woman and a wonderful mother, but I didn’t love her and it was wrong of me to date her as long as I did.”

”Then why did you?”

”I don’t have a great answer. Guess I felt sorry for her. I had been doing some work near her apartment one afternoon and Buddy and his friend were playing catch near our work site. They lost the ball and we found it for them. Rita had come out to check on him and next thing I know I’m getting invited to dinner. Buddy’s father had walked out on them and she was barely making ends meet. I needed a place to stay so we just started out as roommates. That worked for about a week, then she came on to me one night, after she’d had some wine.”

“I see.”

”Look I’m not seeing Rita anymore, but I do want to visit Buddy. Maybe take him to the park or something. He hasn’t seen me since I left for Berlin. I know what it’s like to not have a father around, I don’t want him to think I abandoned him. You know?”

”How long were you and Rita together?”

”About a year.”

She nodded, appreciating his candor. His desire to want to see Buddy endeared her to him even more. She gave him a soft kiss on the cheek.

”I think that’s sweet. And yes, absolutely, you should visit him.”

She paused for a second, recalling the image of Rita’s jaded face. He was being honest here, she should offer some truth as well.

“Full disclosure, Joe. I met Rita, quite accidentally, when I first came to the Reich. I looked up your last known address, trying to find you, and she walked up while I was outside the apartment. She asked if I was looking for you. She told me I was pretty, which seemed random, then she said, ‘I guess Joe fooled you too.”

He took a deep breath and reached for a cigarette. “I’m not surprised about her complimenting you. She was always a bit insecure, much as I tried to build up her confidence. Then she was convinced at one point that I was cheating on her. I never did.”

He lit a cigarette and took another sip. “I never tried to fool her. I didn’t tell her I was working for Smith because I thought the less she knew the safer she and Buddy would be. As it was, Smith made a comment one day about me being good with his girls. He asked me if it was because of Buddy. He meant it as a warning.”

God, John truly is manipulative, she thought _._ Even though she knew it was his job to do things like that, it never instilled confidence. Her mind wanted to know more, her heart stopped her.

Joe was hoping that his confession would prompt one from her, if it existed, but it hadn’t. Apparently a direct approach would need to be taken.

”So Juliana, since we’re opening up a bit, I can’t keep myself from wanting to know more about your stay with the Reichsmarschall.”

”Not much to say. Like I told you, I did a huge favor for he and his family, so when I found myself in a dangerous situation with the resistance, he offered for me to stay with him because it wasn’t safe to go back to my dormitory.”

Although no one was around, he lowered his voice. “I’m guessing you’re not at liberty to tell me what this ‘favor’ is. But Juliana, he’s a calculating bastard who will do anything and everything to maintain his power. He kept you around so he could continue to manipulate me. Everything he does is a power play. Cut-throat.”

She felt her heart threatening to pound its’ way out of her chest. The more she heard, the more confused she became. This was not her John. 

”Why are you telling me this?”

”When I told him we were going out tonight, I detected a hint of irritation. Jealousy maybe. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I sensed something...” 

“Hmm, honestly, we were friendly with one another the entire time I stayed there, but nothing more. He was pretty depressed about his son...at work a lot. I spent a lot of time with his girls.” Should I tell him about Helen being gone? Maybe he already knows? Fuck.

”I’m just warning you. He’s dangerously charming, don’t let your guard down. A wolf in sheep’s clothing.” He held her eyes with a piercing glare. 

She matched his glare with her own, so as to not appear ruffled. He was baiting her right now, she had to keep steady. “Are you suggesting that I _did_ or _would_ involve myself with him? Sexually?” she scoffed with believable indignation. “That would be a cold day in hell.”

He stubbed out his cigarette. “No, not suggesting, just making an observation. I know how attractive you are and how convincing he can be.”

She let out a small laugh, trying to extinguish any and all suspicion. This was crucial here, one misstep and the whole thing would implode. 

“Really Joe? Even if I could get past all the vices, he’s not my type in the least. He could be my father,” she said with furrowed brows, suggesting his presumptions were ludicrous. 

She almost couldn’t get it out. It felt blasphemous. But her goal was to deliver the most convincing case possible, so she did. 

He smiled, however she still sensed doubt in his eyes. “Let’s get back in there, I’m sure they’re wondering where we went,” he said. 

 

                           ******  
  


Lucy stayed the night with Erich, like she did most weekends, so Joe came over to her place. 

She made the first move last time, so tonight _he_ had asked her, quite tenderly during the cab ride home, if he could stay over.

After slowly undressing him, she whispered for him to be slow this time, more gentle, less rushed. He apologized for his unchecked enthusiasm the last time they’d been together and followed her requests to the letter. 

This time, she didn’t pretend it was someone else, however badly she needed it to be, it still felt good to come. Different. Satisfying init’s own way. Not the perfection she’d grown used to, but acceptable.

After their coupling, he pulled her onto his chest, stroking her hair several minutes before he fell asleep. She lay there, her bare belly on his, thinking about John’s baby inside of her.

A pang of guilt surged through her for what she was doing to Joe, but it was a survivalist’s world, John had impressed that upon her. To survive, she needed to use all her cunning and resources. And she wasn’t alone anymore, she had to make good choices, safe choices, for both of them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts out there? Ya’ll are so quiet!!


	27. “The course of true love...(Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get tense as the ladies go dress shopping with Lucy. Cat fight anyone? Lol. 
> 
> This chapter is the most explicit yet, so fasten your seatbelts. xxxx

Juliana awoke to the sound of papers rustling. She quietly put her clothes back on, then walked into the living room, where she found Joe tucking several papers into his briefcase. 

“Everything okay? she asked, concerned.

”Yeah. Sorry if I woke you. I have a phone meeting in thirty minutes and needed to read over some things.” He locked up the briefcase and walked over the her.

”It’s alright, I have to get going shortly anyhow. I work at 8:00.”

Pulling her into him, he held her waist, then traveled down to her backside and left his hands there to rest a minute. “So soon?” He pouted. “You were so wonderful last night. I thought there may be an  _encore_ this morning,” he said with the boyish smile he knew she loved. 

She gave a playful look and kissed him. “Hmm, well maybe I could be convinced.”

”Thatta girl,” he smiled, returning her kiss with even more fervor and nuzzling her neck. He lightly held her hand and led her back into the room.

Truthfully she wasn’t in the mood, for _him_ , anyway. But things had been going so well, she knew she shouldn’t tempt fate.   
  


                         *****  
  


After Himmler’s meeting with Joe finished, he picked up the phone to dial John. 

“Yes Mein Fuhrer.”

”Good morning Reichsmarschall. I was remiss when last we spoke. I forgot to inform you of a special assignment. Your eyes only.”

”Yes Mein Fuhrer. How may I serve you?” John disguised his anxiety, instantly unnerved by Himmler calling him at home on a Saturday morning.  

”Take a break from reviewing the films for now. I need you to focus your attention on Joe Blake. Review all of the surveillance footage from his dormitory over the last two weeks. I need to be sure that Berlin’s re-education program was successful. You will provide a written account of all his activities, conversations, house guests..all of it. I’m expecting no stone unturned, understand?”

”Sir, with all due respect, I’m not sure if that’s the best use of my time.”

”I don’t take kindly to my orders being questioned, Reichsmarschall. It is a sensitive matter and you are well acquainted with Josef. I expect your report when I fly in from Germany next Friday.”

”Yes sir. Heil Himmler.”

Himmler didn’t respond, hanging up the phone with an unsettling abruptness.

He vehemently ran his fingers though his hair, absorbing the abhorrent deed he was being tasked with. Punished with. Fuck him! Surely he knows Joe is dating Juliana...he’s purposely wanting to torture me. Test me. Playing some kind of sick mind game. 

For all he knew Himmler had someone else reviewing it as well and he would check that report against John’s for any discrepancies so he had no choice but watch every minute.

A tap at the door. 

“Come in.”

“Breakfast is ready,” Helen said.

He snapped himself out of the perfectly horrifying thoughts which were threatening to take up residence in his mind. “Oh sure honey. Listen I’ll have to briefly go into the office after I eat. Have to get a few things, then I’ll be home. 

“Sure. I’m going wedding dress shopping with Lucy and the ladies this afternoon.”

Ladies? Would that include Juliana?

He didn’t dare ask any specifics lest he rouse suspicions. 

“Oh? You hadn’t mentioned that.”

”Didn’t I? Sorry sweetheart, guess it slipped my mind. Is that alright?”

”Sure, sure, yes you have fun dear.” He continued to toy with the idea of pressing her further, then decided to let it go. “You’ll be home for dinner?”

“Yes, should be. If not, we have leftovers in the fridge.” 

“Okay.” As Helen turned to leave, he continued, “Helen how are things going with Dr. Ryan? Seems like you’ve been in better spirits.” 

Nothing missed him. Ever. He knew Helen had either developed feelings for her psychoanalyst, perhaps _he_ had for her, or both. John couldn’t help but notice Helen had smiled at him more as of late, taken more of an interest in the girls again, fully resumed her Nazi Women’s League activities.

Helen quickly set her face with a nonchalant pose, knowing full well that John could read her like a book. Hell, he could read her in Braille. Lying to him was never a task to be entered into causally or unnecessarily. 

She smiled, smoothing her dress.

“Good. Really good. I feel like we’ve made some significant break throughs. He’s a skilled therapist. Thorough.”

She knew if she didn’t indulge him with a minor detail or two he would push for more, so she initiated, hoping to dispel any doubts. 

He nodded, holding his eyes on hers, not in a threatening manner, but a reminder that he wanted to be kept abreast of their progress. 

“I’m glad to hear it. _Whatever_ he’s doing, it seems to be working. The results speak for themselves.”

”Yes, they certainly do.”

As always, his wheels were relentlessly turning, assessing the situation, interested to see if there was an angle upon which he could capitalize—especially after having to make an excuse as to why he got home at 12:45 the other night. 

“Do you feel as if he’s giving you special treatment, because you’re my wife?”

”No, not at all. He regards me the same as any other patient.”

”How would you really know seeing as you’ve not witnessed him with anyone besides yourself?”

Helen cleared her throat, becoming somewhat ruffled. “I suppose I don’t know with certainty, but I mean to say that I’ve always felt that he’s very professional.”

”Of course he is. As he should be.”

He met her eyes again. “You let me know if he says or does anything that makes you feel...uncomfortable. Alright?”

“Certainly, John.”

Though she didn’t give him any reason to doubt her honesty, he knew there was more there than she was revealing. She walked out of the office, leaving him to return to his previous tortuous thoughts regarding Himmler’s order. 

 _God_  did he miss Juliana! The curve of her waist, the sexy way she played with her hair around him like a school girl, her adorable chin cleft, the way he felt as if she was designed just for him every time they made love. The way she made him feel _young_ again, before the war, before he pledged his life to Nazism. The way she re-awakened his tenderness and made him laugh again.

Sometimes she lowered her head and glanced at him with such lambent eyes it melted his heart and soul in a way no woman _ever_ had before. He loved how she had protected him and loved him, risked her life for him... _Him_! He who had done so much evil in his life. She looked past it all to see the goodness. He was so undeserving of her affection. 

Why the _hell_ would he ever, _ever_ give her away to Joe Blake, or _anybody_ for that matter?? He’d been strong for her when he broached the subject of becoming intimate with Joe. He knew he had to be strong for the both of them if they were to get through this, but God was it killing him.

And now, _now_ he had been fucking ordered to watch Joe have his way with her!

 _His_ Juliana. _His_ love. _His_ woman.

He knew he had no right to claim her, but he was realizing his love for her grew stronger with each passing day. He wanted to protect her the way she had protected him, to put it all on the line for her, to show her the depths of his feelings, and yet, he couldn’t be any more trapped. He loathed that cold hard fact. His former solitary allegiance to Helen and his family was now rivaling and at least equaling his devotion to Juliana and their baby. 

Would she fall in love with Joe? His jealousy would be insurmountable if she did. Joe _did_ have youthfulness on his side. He could be a husband to her, a father for the baby.

 _His_ _baby_.

His stomach tightened and his blood pressure spiked. That should be him, not Joe Blake. _Damn him._  

He flashed back to his first car ride with her when he drove her to the dormitory. She had asked when she could see Joe and he detected the faintest twinkle in her eye that made him think that she really cared for Joe. In that moment, he had thought her lovely and he understood why Joe had jeopardized his life for her. 

He brought himself back to today’s conundrum. Helen was having an outing with the ladies. Presumably Juliana would attend, after all, she was Lucy’s maid of honor. Would Helen try to corner her and ask questions about her time at their house? Would she be able to expertly answer Helen’s brand of inquisition if it was cast upon her? 

He closed up his office and went out to the kitchen, resolving to not allow it another moment’s thought. His hell would come soon enough. 

                           ******  
  


“Does this one come with a matching veil?” Lucy asked the saleswoman at Adelheidi’s, the most exclusive bridal shop in Manhattan.  

“Yes ma’am. Elbow and fingertip length.”

”Let's see both please.”

”Of course, ma’am.”

Lucy turned away from the mirror to address her on-lookers with a grin. “Well, what do you ladies think?”

”Beautiful, Lucy,” said Helen.

”Yes, simply stunning,” agreed Mary Jane, taking a sip of her mimosa. 

Juliana nodded, taking in the modern empire-line dress made of a brilliant white silk fabric. It was a gorgeous wedding gown and it accentuated all of Lucy’s best features. Her tiny waist, her well endowed bust, very feminine and soft. The epitome of current fashion and she wore it exceedingly well. 

“I think Erich will feel he’s the luckiest guy in all of New York. Lucy, you’re just radiant,” Juliana said kindly. And she meant it. 

Lucy descended the stairs from the viewing platform and took Juliana’s hand into hers with a smile. “Thank you sweetie.”

Helen regarded their exchange with a vestige of annoyance on her face, which could only be interpreted as such by someone who knew her well. Better than her present company knew her, luckily. 

“I’m not sure I need any more convincing, I think we have a winner,” Lucy said with a wink. 

Over the course of the next hour, she picked out her veil, as well as accessories such as gloves, shoes, and a headpiece. She chose a dress for Juliana, an exquisite garnet colored floor length gown with a plunging neckline and beautifully embroidered beadwork. Juliana looked absolutely smashing in it. Anyone whose head she hadn’t turned at this point would certainly be captivated. 

The cool friendliness in the air which had been coloring Helen’s interactions with Juliana all afternoon had not been missed on anyone in the group. It was obvious that Helen was envious of how close Juliana and Lucy had become.

Lucy shuddered when Helen accepted a third glass of wine from the bridal assistant. She knew Helen never held her drink well and at some point Juliana would be on the receiving end of her grievances if she didn’t rescue her soon. As it was, Helen had taken a few pills prior to leaving the house, feeling she needed something pharmaceutical grade in order to tolerate facing Juliana. 

“Juliana, it’s so nice that you and Lucy have bonded so much in the last few months,” she smiled, “I had no idea how close you two have become.”

Too late. It was happening. No way to avoid it. 

Juliana nodded with a shy smile. She’d seen this side of Helen before. Oh yes. This was precisely why she’d been avoiding a gathering of this type. But she’d agreed to it for Lucy’s sake, purely.

“Yes, I was so lucky to have her. Especially after losing my sister not long ago, it was nice to have that sisterly connection again.”

She’d put such a personal and heartfelt touch into her response that Helen needed a moment to re-structure her attack plan. Not long though, she already had another in the chamber. 

“In light of what happened with Henry, I must say I’m amazed at this turn of the tide. Glad to see you were able to put that aside and even offer comfort to Juliana,” she smirked.

Lucy was becoming more perturbed with each stone that Helen threw. “Actually, _she_ was quite a comfort to me, as well, Helen,” Lucy responded tersely. 

”Hmm, yes, a comfort. Where else have I heard that recently?” Helen said, quite sarcastically, “Oh yes, Martha. She told me you were quite a comfort to _John_ also.”

Shit. Had Martha exposed them? She would have known better than place her bet on Helen and risk the dark side of John. Perhaps Helen coerced her...Or maybe Helen is setting me up right now?

Mary Jane obediently stood quiet in Helen’s shadows but a flood of rage took hold of Lucy. She had stood by and acquiesced to Helen’s antics for too long. She’d be damned if she was going to tolerate it one minute more and certainly not at the expense of her friendship with Juliana. She looked Helen square in the eyes with new-found determination. “Don’t do this, Helen,” she scolded.

Helen walked right over her comment as if nonexistent. She peered at Juliana with a scathing glance. “No, I owe do you a debt of gratitude, truly. Thanks for picking up the pieces after his negligent wife walked out on him. I’m sure he throughly enjoyed the comfort he found in your sweet, young arms. He’s a wonderful _fuck_ , isn’t he?”

” _Helen_ for God sakes stop it! You’re out of line!” Lucy shouted, walking over to Juliana and holding her shoulders protectively.  

“Am I?! Who the hell are you to tell me I can’t call out my husband’s mistress?”

“She’s _not_ his mist—“ Juliana grabbed her arm.

“It’s okay Lucy. I can handle myself.” She refocused her attention to her adversary. “Helen, I can see how you might jump to that conclusion. But I assure you, nothing of the sort took place. In fact, I’ve always admired John for the devoted, family man that he is.” She hated to lie to her but she had no choice, Helen would turn into a barracuda as soon as she sensed blood in the water. “I’ve been in love with Joe since I met him in the neutral zone. We’re very happy together with him back in New York. ”

Mary Jane held her hand on Helen’s left shoulder from where she stood beside her, clearly indicating that she sided with Helen. No doubt she was eager to replace Lucy as the favorite and would not miss this opportunity to give her support. 

She whispered into her ear, “Helen, why don’t we head out now? Maybe get something to eat?”

Lucy stared at Helen, Helen stared at Juliana. Still feeling emboldened, Lucy added, “Yes I think that’s best. I’m just about finished up here anyhow.”

Helen twisted her lips in a disdainful smile, accepting momentary defeat. “I see.”

The saleswoman, who had deliberately kept herself busied with re-organizing the dresses, finally plucked up the courage to emerge from the fitting room and indicated for Lucy to come off to the side. 

“Miss, it seems there is a problem. Would you like me to call security?”

“No, thank you. That’s not necessary. The situation is handled.” She glared at Helen’s back as she and Mary Jane we’re walking out of the store. 

The clerk nodded and went back to her task. 

“Lucy I’m so sorry. I ruined this for you,” Juliana said, voice shaking. 

”Seriously? You ruined nothing. That was a long time coming. It felt _so_ good to stand up to her. I’ve honestly wanted to do that countless times. This was the perfect occasion.”

Once pardoned by Lucy her mind immediately fled to John. “I have to warn him,” she whispered, “but I have no idea how to reach him, it’s a Saturday.”

”Helen mentioned to me that he had to go into work earlier today. Maybe he’ll still there?”

”Ok good.” _Slight relief._ “I’ll try his work office.”

Lucy took hold of her shoulders. “You know he’s quite clever with these types of situations, don’t panic.”

”There’s no denying he’s skilled, but I don’t believe he’s ever been in _this_ type of personal situation.”

”No, but have faith in him. Really. It will turn out fine.”

”I wish I could know that it would.”

Lucy waved over the clerk, “May my friend use your phone?”

”Certainly ma’am. Right this way, we have one in our back office.”

Lucy nodded, “I’ll wait right here.”

Once back in the office she shut the door and clutched the phone with trembling hands and quickly dialed.

_Ringing, ringing, ringing._

No answer. She re-dialed.

Same.

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck!_  

She quickly returned to Lucy’s side with a frenzied look on her face. “He didn’t answer.”

Lucy’s eyes searched about, trying to conjure up a solution for her friend. “Erich. I’ll tell Erich that you need to see John. I’m meeting him downtown for dinner shortly so I can ask him then. Hopefully it won’t be too late.”

Juliana slowly exhaled and nodded. “Okay. Although won’t Helen wonder why Erich needs him on a Saturday?”

”Possibly, but it’s the only thing that will work.”

Juliana took her hands appreciatively. “I don’t know how to thank you. I didn’t ever want to drag you into this whole mess. I hate this.”

”Hey, you’re the closest thing to a sister that I’ll ever get. Sisters don’t need to say thank you or apologize, I’m glad to help,” she smiled. The love that shone in Lucy’s eyes was so comforting and genuine, it touched her heart.

Juliana smiled and quickly pulled her in for a tight embrace. Not knowing how to else to display her sheer and utter gratitude for this woman’s affection.  

When they broke from their hug, Lucy looked at her with a puzzled expression. “Why did Helen call you ‘Juliana’?”

Juliana exhaled slowly once more. “That’s a long story, mind if I tell you later?”

Lucy smiled. “Sure.”

They gathered their things and left the store. No sooner were they a few blocks up the street when a familiar black Mercedes with privacy-darkened tint pulled up alongside them where they we’re walking.

Both of their hearts were pounding. Juliana cautiously peered over her shoulder. The passenger window slowly slid down.

“Get in.”

 

                         ******

 

Juliana was never more relieved than to see John’s beautiful face beaming back at her.

They engaged in small talk, mostly about the wedding plans, until he arrived at the restaurant where Lucy was to meet Erich. She bid them farewell as she got out of the car, casting a reassuring smile to Juliana before closing the door. 

Despite his anxiety about the women in his life  sharing an afternoon together, he was so enthralled just to see her sweet face that all of his follies were forgotten when he glanced to his backseat. This, _this_ was why he could never summon the strength to quit her. Just the sight of her was stirring him now. His heart beat so wildly for her. He shifted in the seat as he felt himself already becoming aroused with her so close by. Breathtaking and lovely, even in distress. 

She sat quietly, staring out the side window, tears of betrayal, relief, and fear began pooling in her eyes, threatening to break their dams any moment.  

Something was dreadfully wrong, he knew her well enough by now. He pulled into a vacant parking lot, not too far from where she’d gone for her abortion. It wasn’t his intent to be that close but it was much easier for him to go undetected on this side of town. 

He pulled the car into park and quickly got out and entered the backseat beside her, locking all of the doors behind him. 

Her gaze remained fixed outside the right window. He softly removed one of her delicate hands from her lap, pulling it up to his face, stroking it against his cheek, then lavishing soft kisses on every part of it. 

That was all it took. She turned her head to face him, tears streaming down her cheeks.  His green eyes sought her blue ones desperately, then he removed his gloves and tenderly brushed each of her cheeks.

She held her eyes closed and kept exhaling, then he pulled her protectively onto his chest. Noticing her body was chilled and trembling, he took off his grey pea coat and draped it over her shoulders, then pulled her back into him to resume their former positions. 

As soon as she smelled his Old Spice, mingled with that scent which was most distinctly his, her apprehension melted...however her heart rate increased tenfold. Laying against his warm chest, embraced in the intoxicating masculinity of his strong arms, this was heaven. After just being held by someone else, it reminded her of _good_ he felt, how  _right_ he felt, like her soul had found its’ home.  “Mmm, God I love how you smell. I’ve missed these arms, I feel so _safe_ , so _protected_.”

”Oh Juliana, my beautiful angel, how I’ve missed you..I love you so much, have you any idea?” He smothered the top of her head in kisses.

As if his arms and tender touches weren’t enough to soothe her battered spirit, his profession of love was the ultimate tonic she needed right then. She had never quite seen this side of him, completely undone, clay in her hands, seemingly ready to risk it all, _everything_ , to be with her. His guard had all but come down and she felt certain he had not allowed himself this in years. 

She began erratically kissing his chest where her cheek had been pressed, working her way up to his neck, warm throat, chin...finally the soft, supple lips which she’d missed and welcomed her so enthusiastically. 

“ _John_ I love you so much. I’m poisoned by you. You’ve ruined me for anyone else. I _only_ want you. I _have_ to have you.”

She kissed her child’s father with a passion he’d never felt, parting his lips and plunging her warm tongue inside, as if her life depended on him. He bit her tongue lightly in response, then drew kisses all over her neck. She moaned with pleasure every time his hot mouth sucked a bit too aggressively.

Next, she guided his head down to her chest. She unbuttoned her cardigan to reveal the thin silk blouse that lay just underneath it. He tugged the blouse free from her slacks and held it up, pawing her bra down and hungrily taking a nipple in his mouth as if he’d been deprived of sustenance for a week. She tossed her head back and stroked her hands through his hair, clamping down on it firmly when he sucked too hard. But she loved it. Her pregnant breasts _yearned_ for his mouth and wouldn’t release him until they were completely satisfied. She offered him the other one, which he took with equal enthusiasm. He would’ve been perfectly content to pull her on top of him to massage and suckle them for hours. 

“I love these, I love you, love all of it. You’re so beautiful, so perfect Juliana,” he moaned softly after finally relinquishing her aroused rosebud nipple from his mouth.  

Her hands instinctively went to his pants, firmly grabbing his member through them. The vision of her small, slender fingers on him drove him crazy. He hastily unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants- just enough to pull himself out, then placed her hand on his bare skin. He continued downward, guiding her to the pillowy softness below, panting with abandon as he felt her hands on him, squeezing and plying him, loving her hands all over his manhood.

How could she even think Joe came close? No, _dear_   _God,_ no. This, _this_ is the one she needed, would always need. This was the one that fit inside her so snug and perfect, touching every spot inside that she didn’t know could be pleasured until he’d found them all. Every spot. Every time. 

“You’re so warm... _so hard_. I _need_ you inside me. _Now_. I need your hot come inside me John. Only yours, that’s all I want.”

He needed to hear that, more than he needed his next breath. Though the thought was tearing him apart, he couldn’t bring himself to ask her if she’d slept with Joe. 

He turned her over so she was on all fours and set to work, pulling her pants and panties down to her ankles. Placing one hand on her back, he held himself with the other, teasing her with the end- barely pushing his tip in, then pulling back out, swirling it around her circumference in a most tantalizing way. How he was able to exercise enough restraint to engage in such an activity was shocking to him, but he loved to toy with her, to make her work for it. Hearing her helpless whines further justified his game, spurred him on. She was so responsive to him, he couldn’t help but swell with pride every time he elicited wild reactions from her..

She leaned back into him and reached behind to push him in further. He let out a small, amused laugh. “You don’t like my teasing, you little seductress?” he whispered into her ear, sending tingles to her very core. “Patience, darling. Tell me what you need... _so very badly,”_  he said, wearing the devilish, adoring look she craved every moment of every day.

She turned her head around to find his eyes, but to his delight there was no hint of a smile, she was all business. She needed it and she needed it now. He knew that look. 

“ _I need you to fuck me John,_ ” she purred, almost inaudibly due to labored breathing. 

She didn’t always talk dirty but when she did he was on cloud nine. “ _Fuck_ you? Are you sure about that? You don’t know how jealous I’ve been. How  _tormented_ my thoughts have been morning, noon, and night—wondering if he’s had you,” he hissed into her ear.

He took hold of both her breasts and squeezed them possessively, “These are mine.” She let out a helpless gasp, encouraging him even more.

He planted a bite on her full, round bottom, squeezing and spreading it out intermittently, then giving it a quick tap. “This is mine.”

His index finger traveled from the middle of her backside and dipped down into her wetness, plunging into her glorious depths. “And this...  _this_ will always be mine.”

She moaned uncontrollably and ground against his fingers as they pushed in and out of her. She felt her wetness dribble down her leg. “You’re mine, Juliana. Right _here_. Right _now_. Is that clear?”

“ _Yes_ , yes, God yes! I’m yours, _my love,_ take it, take anything you want, it’s yours!”

”Move forward.”

She leaned her face against the cold window and whimpered as she felt his warm tongue between her legs, replacing the job which was formerly relegated to his fingers, now with sucking and licking. She heard him slurping as she ran his mouth through her, then lightly nuzzled his nose in her silky folds. A scream escaped her throat that practically made him come then and there.

“I could taste you all day and never get enough. You’re _delicious_ Juliana,” he growled, lost in her.

He would hold nothing back anymore, _nothing_. It was so inexplicably liberating to voice a thought as soon as it entered his mind. No restraints, for he knew she loved him. Although deep down, _very deep,_ still he harbored feelings of self loathing for his unforgivable sins, inadequacies...still he felt unworthy of her affections. But he could neither escape his love for her nor completely embrace it, as he felt undeserving. She was better than he ever was or would be, of that he was certain. 

He pulled away from her and sat up to push his entire length in, in a single, hard thrust. She gasped, but needed more. “ _John_...John...harder, _please,”_  she pleaded.

He slammed into her like a wild animal, marking his mate. Whether or not she’d been with Joe, he was driven to brand her as his, once and for all. He clutched her hips to brace himself as he fervently pistoned in and out to bring them both to orgasm. 

“I’m about to give you my hot come Juliana,” he growled, giving her backside several light slaps, eliciting from her a shameless, primitive whine which she knew pleased him because he slapped her again, this time significantly harder, and began thrusting deeply, with every drop of passion he possessed. 

“You feel so _good_ John, please... _never stop!”_

Why did she always know just what to say, just how to feed his ego which was constantly in need of victory, from her and only her—no other.

She tightened around him with all of her muscles. “I can feel you squeezing him. That feels wonderful,” he murmured frantically.

He filled her for a remarkably long time, wanting to give her every ounce of himself, wanting to graft her to him forever. He continued thrusting until she came blindingly hard a moment later, digging her nails in his back as it took her.

He slowly massaged himself then tucked inside her fully, tightly, not wanting to extricate himself from being inside her. _Ever_.

She moaned as he reached up her back as far as he could and lightly drug his fingernails down, scratching her lower back affectionately. Finally, as he softened he leaned back and pulled her to sit on his lap, planting multiple kisses across her neck and shoulders. 

“I’ve waited for you my whole life. I didn’t know what you looked like, felt like, tasted like, but I do now. My sweet love, I adore you. Every part of you, flaws and all— _all of it._ You were made for me.”

He wanted to believe her, like the very air he breathed, he _needed_ to believe. Craved redemption. But he doubted she would say those things if she knew even a quarter of the evil deeds he’d commissioned. She’d be loathed to even set her gorgeous blue eyes upon him. 

She turned around and repositioned herself on his lap, pulling him into her to rest his head against her collarbone. He began kissing it ever so softly, in reverence.

“No woman has ever, _ever_ made me feel the way you do, Juliana.” The love she saw in his eyes told her he meant in all ways, not just physically. 

He looked out the window, hesitated, then resolved to ask his question. “Have you had many lovers?” he asked, jealously.

She cleared her throat. “No. Frank was my first, our senior year of high school. Then we broke up for about a year when I was in college and I had a boyfriend during that time.”

He nodded, pleased with her answer. She blinked several times quickly then looked away.

She knew what he was thinking. 

“John I know you’re wondering. _Yes_. Joe and I had sex.”

He looked down, hurt, unable and perhaps not wanting to disguise his feelings. He’d had enough of that for a hundred lifetimes. The reality of her words resonating in his mind, stinging him.

She lifted his chin slowly, forcing him to look straight into her eyes. He didn’t oblige her immediately, only after several moments did his gaze meet hers, pain in his eyes. But he read the same pain in hers. “John... _please_ don’t do this, you know it didn’t mean anything. It wasn’t good. It was necessary.”

“I shouldn’t have asked.”

He wasn’t sorry. He needed to know.

”But you did. It’s okay. You’re becoming more in touch with your feelings, part of that process is feeling the pain along with the pleasure.” She shut her eyes tight. “I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that thoughts of you and Helen sleeping together have tormented me. I’ve never envied anyone as much as I do her. She’s married to the man I want for  _my_ husband, she has a family with you, a house with a white picket fence.” Her eyes filled up again. “I’ll never have that.”

He brushed the tears away with his thumb and kissed each eyelid. “I wish like anything I could give that to you. God I wish.”

”I know.”

He wanted so badly to tell her about Fatima. About how Dr. Mengele had revealed to him different worlds with different versions of themselves. But it wasn’t the right moment, she was already too overwhelmed, it would disturb her even more. Another time, he thought.

She scooted off his lap and pulled her pants back up, tucking her blouse in and neatening herself up. He noticed her glance at her watch. “I’m supposed to meet Joe for dinner, I have to get going.”

Just then she shifted her leg under the seat and felt a film reel graze her toes.

John panicked and quickly reached down to push it back. “I’ll get those, sorry. An assignment for work.”

His uneasiness was evident. Her morbid curiosity drove her to quickly pull one out. Before he could stop her, she’d read the top. It was labeled:

 

         “ **J. BLAKE DORMITORY DEC.4-11”**

 

Juliana looked at him, horrified.

”What the _hell_ is this John?!”

 

                           •••••••••••

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, greatly appreciated!
> 
> Any ideas on what happens next for our lovers?? 🤭


	28. ...did never run smooth” (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Full disclosure...this is going to get worse before it gets better. But take heart, my hopeless romantics (present party included) you won’t have to wait too long...💋💋💋
> 
> Also, there are several subplots being staged in this chapter, so it jumps around a bit. My apologies for any confusion ;-)

John’s eyes widened in horror. He struggled a moment too long before offering explanation and in that time her mind reeled and she felt an instantaneous pit take hold in her stomach. 

Unable to stand one more second, she spoke just as he opened his mouth and cut him off.

“How long have you been watching footage of Joe’s apartment?!! What the fuck?!” She held her seething look of repulsion.

”Juliana let me explain!” He no sooner than touched her arm than she pushed it off in disgust.

”I have to leave.” She recklessly grabbed the door handle, needing to flee. His hand tightly captured her wrist. 

“Let me GO!”

She pulled with every ounce of her strength, the door halfway open. His mounting frustration prompted him to tighten his grasp on her even further, but tenderness won out, coupled with a fear that nearby onlookers might take in the altercation. The last thing he needed was bad press. 

He barely loosened his hold and she pulled free, running away from the car with abandon.

“JULIANA! “Get back in the car! _Right now_!” he demanded, authoritatively.

She had no plan whatsoever but she couldn’t get away fast enough. Anywhere was better than there.

He fought every instinct in his body not to run after her. It would undoubtedly cause a scene and there would certainly be unwanted repercussions. 

 _Confusion. Hurt. Deceit_. Everything converged into a nauseating blur as she ran. 

He made a mad dash to the driver’s seat and pulled out of the parking lot, feverishly laying into the gas pedal and speeding in the direction she had began running.

To no avail. She had hailed a cab and jumped inside before he could reach her. 

John followed behind the cab, several cars behind so as to not appear completely insane. 

He remembered her telling him that she had to meet Joe for dinner. They drove ten blocks before the cab pulled up outside a restaurant entrance. 

Fuck!!  Why didn’t she allow me to explain?! Now she would seek comfort in Joe, surely.

He felt his own nausea threaten his stomach at the thought of her assumptions. Certainly she was thinking that he’d been gathering intel, spying on she and Joe, playing her somehow. No conclusions were good ones. Why oh why did she have to run before he could justify his actions? Absolve himself?

Joe was smoking outside the restaurant. He walked towards the cab, grinning with outstretched arms, ready for her embrace as she emerged. Just as he was ushering her inside, she peered over her shoulder and met John’s eyes through his car window with her hardened gaze. He was barely visible due to the dark tint. But she still saw him.

The world seemed to move in slow motion as he drove by, holding her stare—his only desire being to signal her with his eyes that he was hopelessly in love with her and would never, _ever_ deceive her.

Then suddenly she turned back to Joe, abruptly cutting him off. His blood froze. 

He slammed on the brakes, jolting him out of his trance and nearly rear-ending the car in front of him. It set off a chain reaction of a half-dozen car horns, blaring offensively. 

 

                          ******

 

“Mmm. I’m just so tired.”

Dr. Ryan leaned back in his chair, adjusting his posture, unable to keep his eyes from drifting to the Reichsmarschall’s wife’s full, painted red lips and well-endowed chest. She’d worn a black lace blouse underneath her tailored skirt suit which outlined her curves very effectively. 

He’d asked her two sessions ago about resuming intimacy with her husband. One session ago she’d touched his arm in a sensual manner as she exited his office. 

Only a fool would turn her out of bed, he’d thought to himself at the time. Just as soon as the thought of kissing her had entered his mind that day, he successfully quelled it, fully aware that an affair with her was essentially a death wish. 

But today,  _today_ he wasn’t sure how he would react if she made another pass at him. The way she looked in that skirt with her legs crossed. The thrill and danger of the prospect enticed him. To scorn her may very well be a worse repercussion than to sleep with her and deal with John. 

Whether he cared to admit it to himself, he’d been attracted to her since their first meeting. His wife had died several years ago and he hadn’t been intimate with anyone in quite some time. He found his work rewarding but it was also draining and he’d grown tired of going to bed lonely every night. Unsatisfied. Unfulfilled. 

“That’s just excess animus. See, in Jungian therapy, the goal is to bring the masculine and feminine energies in the unconscious into balance. Increase the anima.”

”How do I do that? How do I _increase_ the anima?” Helen inquired.

He paused a moment, steadying his drive, then his curiosity and burgeoning desire triumphed as he cleared his throat.

”Well..uh...have you given more thought to resuming intimacies with your husband?” he asked, hanging on her answer. 

Her eyes instantly locked with his. He noticed the quickened rise and fall of her chest. Finally her eyes broke away, giving herself one last opportunity to hold back. 

“Y-yes...” she stammered, “a few times...but-

“But... _what_?” he dared to push.

“It was so...different.”

“Different how?” He instantly regretted it. “I’m sorry. Don’t answer that Helen. I forgot myself.”

She offered him a demure smile. “No, it’s fine Dr. Ryan...I just don’t know how to articulate my thoughts.” She nervously picked at the silk fringe on the decorative pillow she held in her lap. “It just felt very robotic and unaffectionate. On both of our parts.”

”I see.”

”I guess I should put in more of an effort, it’s only fair to John.”

At this, the psychiatrist got up and slowly strode over to the couch to sit alongside her...changing both of their fates in an instant.

After settling in, he removed his glasses and looked at her with an assurance she was sure she’d never seen before on him. 

“Helen, it’s you I’m thinking of. _Your_ needs. _Your_ desire. You deserve love and affection.”

”My husband loves me,” she stated plainly, as if she needed to reaffirm it to herself as well. “But our road has been a rocky one I’m afraid. I pushed him away for so long, harboring so much resentment and pain...” her eyes misted now. ”I don’t blame him for it.”

”For what?”

”Falling out of love with me.”

 ”What makes you think he has?”

”There are just some things one knows. We feel more like old friends, not lovers.”

After more throat clearing, his gaze fell on her lips and remained there as he spoke his next sentence. “But you deserve to be adored.”

Helen blinked hard. Stunned. She’d had almost this exact daydream a few days ago. Was it real? Was he real right now??

Before she could answer any of the questions, he answered for her. His mouth grazed hers, then began moving down her neck. She closed her eyes and clamped his head down harder into her skin with a soft moan. Then, an instant panic took hold and she pulled him to her face.

”Wwe...we can’t. He’ll _kill_ you. Trust me, you don’t know what he’s capable of.”

Ryan’s mind raced back to the previous Thursday when John had paid him an impromptu office visit to make a few inquiries regarding Helen’s progress in treatment. He had more or less ordered him to indulge his wife in whatever way he deemed appropriate in order for her to maintain her pleasant spirits and stability. After initially feigning mild protest, which John could see right through, he consented, with the unspoken agreement that John would call upon favors, should any arise. 

He hadn’t exactly given him his blessing, but John knew that her psychiatrist could bestow things that _he_  no longer could.

Helen’s happiness always mattered to John, even now.

Ryan had known he was damned since his first meeting with the Reichsmarschall before Helen’s therapy had even begun. At least this way he’d get to have intimacy before the inevitable. 

“I’m quite aware of his capabilities Helen. But I find myself...beyond caring.” He pulled her closer again, firmly parting her lips.

This time, she didn’t push him away.

 

                         ******

 

Joe and Juliana settled into a quiet corner in the back booth of the dark restaurant. She was shivering and her cheeks had remnants of smeared mascara splayed across them. It was clear something terrible had transpired and she’d been crying. 

Her thoughts jumbled together, massively tangling into a horrifying heap which she was desperate to be rid of. She knew _now_ would have to be the time to tell him, like it or not.

He pulled her close into him, “Hey, hey...shhh..” she had started softly crying again. “What’s wrong Juliana? Where were you?”

The waitress gleefully approached the table, unaware of the somber scene upon which she had landed. Joe waved her away silently and hugged Juliana tighter.

She drew in a deep breath and exhaled audibly, mustering the resolve.  

“I...I’m pregnant, Joe.”

He turned her toward him instantly, his eyes widened then he quickly managed a very faint smile. “What? I thought you couldn’t have children? They examined you?”

”I know, I know, I’m shocked...completely. I had gone to a place to see about taking care of it, but then I didn’t go through with it.”

She was happy with how her alibi was weaving together convincingly. 

“No no no. I’m so glad you didn’t,” he said, relieved. He lowered his voice and continued. “Truth be told, I was worried about that, about us not being able to have children. You know the GNR policy.”

”I know, I just...” she cleared her throat. “This just isn’t a good time to be pregnant. I’m a waitress and you’re away on business all the time.”

He kissed the top of her head. “Listen, maybe this is the only baby you’ll ever conceive. We can’t afford to lose this opportunity.”

 _Opportunity?_  Her situation suddenly felt like a means to an end, rather than an embodiment of their affections. 

“We aren’t married.”

”Then let’s change that,” he responded, immediately. 

Joe knew Himmler would be satisfied. Thrilled possibly. He’d asked several times about his courtship with her. Joe had found it curious but hadn’t given it too much thought, figuring the way Himmler had concerned himself with his life so much recently was perhaps the outcome of a guilt-ridden godfather.

“What?” 

”I’m not the type of man who doesn’t take responsibility. Let's have a wedding. Let’s get married.”

She blinked several times, assessing. “Are you proposing?”

She finally managed a smile, feeling relieved that things were lining up but wishing like anything that it was John proposing marriage. _John_. She briefly shuddered as she tried to ascertain why he would have surveillance footage of Joe's dormitory. 

“Yes, I guess I am.” He smiled back.

“I don’t want a wedding. I’d rather do it before I start to show. The sooner the better.”

”How about Monday? The department we need is on the 4th floor of SS Headquarters, I believe.”

She was grateful that he’d taken the news so well and for all intents and purposes was excited to marry her. She just wasn’t sure how she felt. It was all moving so quickly. 

“I don’t want to tell anyone until after Lucy and Erich’s wedding next Saturday. It’s their day, we shouldn’t overshadow them.”

He nodded. There was a moment of awkward silence, then he grabbed her hands into his, unsure what else to do in the moment. “It’s all going to be fine. Trust me, alright?”

She wiped a small tear away from the corner of her eye and nodded. “Thank you, Joe.”

 

                       *******

Lucy walked from the kitchen when she heard several swift knocks. It was Helen. She already felt her pulse quicken as she opened the door to greet her. It was two days before her wedding. Her nerves were already frazzled as it was. 

”Helen, is everything alright? Come in.”

”Yes, nothing to worry about. Sorry for stopping by unannounced.”

”It’s no problem, come on in.”

“I just wanted to apologize for my...I’ll-mannered behavior at the bridal shop Saturday.” 

Lucy helped her take her coat off and they walked over to the couch. She truly hoped that was all she aimed to do, she wasn’t in the mood for round two with this woman. 

“Helen, there was no harm done. You’d had a few drinks and I guess seeing Juliana again triggered something for you.”

”Is she...here?” Helen asked, somewhat cautiously.

”Ah, no. She’s working. Why?”

”I wanted to apologize to her as well, but I suppose I’ll see her at the wedding.”

”Speaking of...she and Joe were married on Monday.”

”What??”

Helen didn’t disguise her immediate excitement and a smile spread on her face...one which told of relief and joy. 

“Yes, she was already planning on moving in with Joe this week due to the wedding since Erich will be living here. I told her she was welcome to stay but she insisted on leaving.” 

“I can understand that though. Can’t say I blame her for not wanting to be a third wheel.”

”True.”

”So I wonder why she didn’t have a wedding?”

”I’m guessing between the hassles she’s seen me endure for my wedding and with Joe gone for work so often...she thought simple would be better.”

Helen slowly shook her head. “I feel horrible.  She’s always been kind to me and my family. I must have made her so uncomfortable with everything I said.”

Lucy gave her a reassuring smile. “Come now Helen, she’ll be fine. I’m sure it’s already been forgotten.”

”I’m not so sure about that.”

”I think I let jealousy get the best of me. I felt like she filled in the gaps so perfectly in my absence. My family seems to adore her, Martha told me she and John got along well...you two seemed like you’d become best friends.”

She lit a cigarette then continued. “Is it wrong for me to say that a small part of me wanted to be missed...more? Needed more?”

Lucy smiled. “That’s not wrong at all. Normal. I know you take pride in your mothering and homemaking, no one likes to feel as if they’ve been easily replaced.”

Helen reached for the ashtray and smiled. “Yes, well-spoken. That’s it.”

”And you’re wrong. We all missed you. If anything, you should consider it a compliment that you taught your children such good coping skills.”

”Coping skills?” she scoffed. “Perhaps they learned from John...clearly not me...I wasn’t coping at all.”

“You’re a strong woman Helen. You’ve always exuded that and I know it’s influenced your girls. It takes strength to admit you need help.”

Helen smiled and nodded. “I’ve missed you.”

”You know where to find me.”

”How are things going with your therapy? I keep forgetting to ask you.”

Helen took a deep breath and put out her cigarette. “Very well, actually. I’m not sure I’d be getting out of bed every morning if not for his help. I’m actually on the way there right now for an appointment.”

”Really? That’s wonderful. I’m so happy to hear it.”

”Yes. I’ve found his knowledge and expertise to be most...insightful.” Helen very slightly bit her bottom lip, unknowingly, as she recalled a detail from yesterday afternoon. She caught herself drifting and tried to reign in her daydream. 

”So Lucy, tell me what you need help with for the wedding, dear?”

”Everything seems to be all set, but thank you.”

Helen squeezed her arm. “Please let me know if you think of something,” she said as she stood to leave.

“I will, thanks.”

And with that Helen hugged her and left. 

Lucy watched her walk down the path to her car, then closed her eyes tightly...exhaling.

 

                       ******

 

Amy ran into her parents bedroom at 9:00 that Saturday morning, seeing that their door was open. The house rule was that they were not to be disturbed if their bedroom door was closed, both girls knew this...not that it  mattered very much, as nothing except for sleeping had really took place there in the last six months.

John needed Juliana so badly he was physically pained by it. His mind had been agonized since she fled his backseat last Saturday...He’d called Lucy’s on Monday night, but she was at Joe’s. Then he’d stopped by the diner Thursday morning, but after a brief scan of the dining area revealed she wasn’t working that shift, he politely made an excuse to the hostess and left.

“Today’s the wedding! Today’s the wedding!” Amy shouted excitedly. 

Helen took off her silk sleeping mask and offered her young daughter a drowsy smile. “Yes sweetie, it is,” she yawned, “but not until this evening so why don’t you run along and play with your sister.”

”She’s still sleeping, I’m bored. Where’s Daddy?”

Helen glanced over to his side of the bed, unaware of his absence until now. “Hmm, guess he fell asleep in his office again...he had work to do last night.”

“Ok, I’ll go check on him,” Amy said.

When Amy opened his office door she noticed several film reels strewn across his desk, in addition to a half empty whisky decanter. He slowly moved to pick his head off the loveseat. “Who’s there?”

”It’s me Daddy,” she giggled.

”Good morning honey,” he muttered, his voice extra deep and husky from the deep sleep the copious amounts of liquor had brought on. 

“Daddy, today is Lucy’s wedding, you can’t sleep the day away!”

He sat up and ran his fingers through his hair, still wearing yesterday’s clothes, his face handsomely painted with a five o’clock shadow. “I know, it will be fun, won’t it?” he managed.

”Yes! I can’t wait to eat cake and dance at the reception! Also Daddy, aren’t you Erich’s greatest man or something?”

He was starving and his head was pounding but he couldn’t help but smile at Amy’s sweet disposition. “Yes darling, I’m his Best Man.”

”Ahh, that’s right,” she giggled, “I was close.”

”Yes, you were close,” he smiled affectionately. 

“Which reminds me, I need to make sure your mother picked up my suit from the cleaners.”

”Daddy what are all of these films for? Did you have to watch all of these?” she asked curiously, her eyes perusing the cluttered mess on his desk, which she was not at all accustomed to. 

She was definitely asking too many questions for his hung-over brain. He was beginning to feel the bile rise, not only from drinking but more so the footage he’d watched of Juliana and Joe the night before, heart breaking images flashing through his mind.

 _His_ Juliana...not in his arms...

All things considered, as horrible as it was, he could tell that her heart wasn’t in it. Which lessened the sting somewhat. He’d only watched one. Thankfully Himmler had been delayed and wouldn’t meet with him until Monday morning so he’d been gifted more time.  

“Yes honey, I watched some, not all of them. _Thank God._ “I have to use the bathroom, excuse me.” 

He ran from the office until he found himself  kneeling at the toilet...desperate to purge every memory of last night from his waking mind. 

                         *****

 

John slipped out two cigars from inside his suit coat and handed one to Erich. 

“Congratulations Erich, today is a happy day,” he said, delivering an affectionate slap to his shoulder. 

Erich smiled and leaned in for John to light his cigar. “Thank you, Reichsmarschall.”

John quirked his eyebrow. Erich corrected himself. “Thank you, _John_.”

Both men were clad in their formal dinner-dress uniforms, which were cut like a civilian tailcoat without the tails, and worn with a waistcoat. John wore a black bow tie, Erich a white one. 

Despite his disposition earlier in the day, John had successfully managed to collect himself and was looking quite handsome, with no indication of his previous affliction.  

The wedding would be fairly modest, but elegant, with fifty people in attendance. 

Erich cleared his throat and John sensed he was about to divulge something of importance. “John, I’m not sure if you know this yet, but Joe and Juliana were married on Monday. No ceremony. Just a legal procedure which was green-lit by Himmler personally. Apparently he allowed her to bypass her pre-marital racial purity screening.”

John looked down at his feet, wanting to appear collected, wanting to be a good friend to Erich on his wedding day. “Is that so? No...I hadn’t heard.” His walls instantly went up and any brightness that his eyes had held was instantly extinguished, in a blink.  

“They didn’t want anyone to know for fear it would upstage Lucy and I, but I guess Juliana slipped and told Lucy.”

”Well...that’s good news...Good for him, good for her. As it should be.”

Now it was Erich who placed a hand on John’s shoulder. “Let’s have a good time tonight, eh?”  he offered, trying to keep things light.

“Absolutely.” John set down his cigar. “Lucy’s a wonderful woman, I’m thrilled that you two were such a good match.”

”Well we mostly have _you_ to thank for that,” he smiled.

”Ah..just a minor pluck of Cupid’s bow. I’m pretty sure those stars would’ve aligned anyhow, without my intervention.”

Erich looked down at his watch. “Ten minutes to go. I’ll see you out there.” He started to walk out of the room, then turned. “Oh and John, don’t forget that Juliana is Lucy’s Maid of Honor, so you’ll have to walk her down the aisle, probably have to take a few pictures together.” 

John’s eyes searched around the room and he offered Erich a slight nod. “I can handle that.” He felt his stomach begin to churn. 

”Thanks.” 

 

                         ******

Lucy had always wanted to be a December bride. After her hair and makeup were complete she stepped away from the dressing room vanity and looked at her mother and Juliana with a smile.  

“You’re just gorgeous Lucy. Absolutely gorgeous,” her mother said with a beaming smile.

“Agreed. Just lovely,” Juliana added. 

Juliana looked quite stunning herself, with dramatic evening makeup and her hair up in a French twist, detailing her exquisite neckline. Her stomach was frenzied with knots in anticipation of seeing John tonight. She was still utterly confused and hurt by the whole situation. A part of her certainly regretted that she ran away from him so hastily...the other part felt terribly proud of herself that she’d been so strong. 

The event planner peeked her head through the door. “We’re ready ladies. Let’s assemble in the lobby so we can prepare for the ceremony.”

Lucy’s mother gave her a quick peck on the cheek. “That’s my cue, I’ll go take a seat. Good luck sweetheart.”

Juliana smiled to herself. She couldn’t help but miss her own mother as she saw Lucy with hers. What would her reaction be to the news that she was married? To a Nazi. Living in the Reich and establishing herself as a citizen. Of course she’d be appalled, no doubt about it.

Amy was in the bathroom, neatening her flower girl dress. 

“Amy, it’s time to go sweetie,” called Lucy.

Amy emerged within seconds and Juliana handed her a small, decorative basket filled with red rose petals. 

“You look beautiful, sweetheart,” Juliana whispered into her ear. 

Amy blushed, feeling like she was in heaven having had so much girl time with Lucy and Juliana, her two favorite women. 

“You do too, Miss Julia. I love your red dress!”

Juliana winked at her and held her hand as they emerged into the lobby, alongside Lucy. 

John stood there alone, awaiting them.

Juliana gasped ever so subtly to herself as she took in the image of John wearing his dress uniform. She knew in that moment that she’d never seen a more beautiful, sculpted man. Her heart began pounding. She hated how powerless she instantly felt in his presence. The supremacy he commanded over her heart in just a glance was staggering.  

His eyes first went to Lucy. Afraid to go anywhere else. 

”Oh my, you’re a stunning bride. Erich is a lucky man indeed.”

Lucy smiled with a very soft laugh. “Why thank you John. Very much...”

The sound of Wagner lightly wafted through the air. The event planner motioned for them to line up. 

“Maid of Honor and Best Man please.”

 _Finally_ , their eyes met. His breath caught at the sight of her. _My God she’s breathtaking._

Amy stood behind them, her eyes dancing back and forth from one to the other, pleased to see them together again. She loved how different her father always was when he was with Juliana.

John offered Juliana his arm, with that wicked smirk she knew all too well, “Shall we?” he said. 

“Yes. Are you ready... Reichsmarschall?”

“For you?” He leaned down to whisper in her ear, “ _Always_.”

 

                    ••••••••••••

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor John. Poor, handsome, heartbroken John. She’s tormented him this last week. Jules will have to find some way of making it up to him...Any ideas?? 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Comments aren’t necessary, but always adored. 😘


	29. Unsteady

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hold...”  
> “Hold on...”  
> “Hold on to me...”  
> ‘Cause I’m a little unsteady...”  
> “A little unsteady...”  
> “If you love me, don’t let go...”  
> “If you love me, don’t let go...”
> 
> -X Ambassadors
> 
> https://youtu.be/pFjryf8zH_M
> 
>    
> Passions intensify at the wedding reception...  
> Fair warning—lots of lovely sexiness ahead😏❤️

The heavy, wooden double doors opened to a room filled with glowing white taper candles and brilliant red roses. It was the same assembly hall where John had delivered Dr. Adler’s eulogy, not so long ago. 

Juliana and John slowly proceeded down the aisle, arms linked, receiving the audience. An extremely large swastika, accompanied by an equally proportioned canvas of Himmler, were hung behind the podium, where once might have been a cross, so many years before. Juliana harbored a vague memory of attending church with her family when she was a little girl...going to Sunday school and memorizing bible verses. 

Her palpable anxiety drove John to secure his hold on her...he pulled her in tighter. The nearness of him, the scent of him, coupled with the strength with which he held her, as if he wouldn’t let her go, made her stomach flutter...

She felt as if the room was swirling. It seemed so utterly surreal. She was the maid of honor in a Nazi wedding, walking arm-in-arm with her lover, glancing ahead and exchanging smiles with her new Nazi husband, who sat beside Helen and Jennifer. The situation was so dysfunctional and horrifying that she could’ve almost found it mildly humorous, if not for its’ painful reality.

Like all marriage ceremonies in the GNR, the event would be a neopagan, civil ceremony, presided by an SS Commander. It would not be lengthy, which all parties present were grateful for. 

John took his place alongside Erich, who stood nervously awaiting his bride. Juliana stood opposite John, finding herself annoyingly incapable of keeping her eyes away from his handsome face for very long. His uniform was perfectly tailored and fit him like a glove. 

Amy was the picture-perfect flower girl, exuding innocence and beauty as she smiled ear-to-ear, scattering rose petals, while dozens of onlookers sighed and exchanged comments about how adorable the Reichsmarschall's daughter was. 

Finally, Lucy emerged and everyone rose to receive her as she gracefully strode down the aisle. Erich’s face was priceless as watched her slowly approaching him, his heart pounding frantically when his bride’s veiled gaze finally met his.

John was genuinely happy for the two of them. After a few minutes, he allowed himself a stolen glance at Juliana. Her gaze was focused on the ceremonial events, but she soon felt the penetration of his eyes and reciprocated. They both maintained expressionless faces for a moment ..then, Juliana found herself unable to keep from forming a tender smile for the man who held her heart, realizing that her resolve to resist her desires and keep an emotional distance from him was unraveling with every glance.

He blinked hard and returned the gesture with a soft expression, but it felt vaguely foreign to her...possessing a different quality than it typically did. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but her heart sank at the mere hint of his disappointment. He’d lost so much, she hated to pain him any further. She couldn’t bear that, she knew. Had he watched the surveillance footage yet, she wondered nervously? Had she said things during a moment of passion with Joe that hurt him?  
Couldn’t he see that she didn’t mean any of it, that it’s him she wanted, and would always want?

Every logical bone in his body told him to leave well enough alone. He couldn’t give her the life and love she deserved. She’d lost her sister, moved far away from her family and started a new life in a strange place...had done nothing but help him and love him. She deserved happiness.

But seeing her tonight, _so beautiful_ , flashing her blue eyes upon him, brimming with love...he couldn’t do it. 

He kept repeating to himself to let her go. She’s married now, it’s time to move on.

Except he didn’t want to let her go.

 _Ever_. 

His weary soul couldn’t stand to lose anything else he loved in this godforsaken world.

 

                            ******

 

The reception immediately followed the ceremony in the recreation hall of the same building. Joe and Helen proceeded to cocktail hour while the bridal party remained with the photographer for pictures. 

As the bride and groom were directed to participate in what seemed like an onslaught of various pictures, John and Juliana looked on with phony smiles, eager to dispense with the whole affair and get on with the evening. 

John couldn’t help but take advantage of the background noise and leaned down, ghosting Juliana’s outer ear with a delicious sensuality that evoked her heart to madly race and her arm hair to stand. 

“Himmler ordered me to watch those surveillance films. I tried to get out of it, but I couldn’t exactly refuse an order from the Fuhrer.”

She nodded and leaned into his ear to continue the exchange. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

”I tried. You ran before I could explain.”

”Fair enough,” she said with a perfectly blank face. 

”You’ve withheld a few things from me as well lately... _Mrs. Blake,”_  he retorted, with a wry smile. “I tried to get ahold of you twice this week.” The words flew out too quickly, he’d exposed himself too much. 

”It was a whirlwind. Before I knew it, he was proposing,” she looked at him directly now, “I guess we’re even.”

”Forgiven. Not even.” 

The dark raspiness of his voice made her insides tingle with warm lust, but his words also held a distinct edge which disturbed her. He was upset, rightly so. She could see now that she’d greatly pained him and his cool demeanor reminded her of how he was the day he’d surprised her by coming to her dormitory, demanding information about the man in the high castle.

Amy walked up and affectionately hugged Juliana’s waist. “Daddy what did you think of the ceremony?”

“It was very nice, sweetheart. You did a wonderful job tonight, and you look so pretty. I especially love your white lace gloves.”

Amy adored her father, the dimples on her face were proof of that. 

“Isn’t Julia’s dress beautiful?”

He cleared his throat and peered down at Amy with a warm smile, tenderly running his thumb over her cheek. “Yes.” His eyes traveled to Juliana’s face. “Very... _becoming..._ on her.” He took note of her cheeks slightly coloring. 

John noticed the ring bearer, Erich’s nine-year old nephew, standing alone just a few feet away. He was a handsome little boy, with bright blue eyes, his blonde hair parted off to the side. The picture of Aryan perfection, John mused.

“Come here, old chap,” John said with a smile, waving the boy over. “I know she’s pretty but she won’t bite,” he grinned, glancing at Amy. She playfully slapped her father’s arm, feigning mild embarrassment. 

The boy obliged and sheepishly walked over where the three of them stood. He stared at John from top to bottom, mesmerized, as if he was looking at God himself. 

Juliana sighed to herself, never happier than when she was sharing in these tender moments with John. 

“I can’t believe I got to meet the Reichsmarschall,” the young boy stammered, with a slight lisp, unable to make direct eye contact with his hero.

John winked and gave him a soft smile. “ _I’m_ happy I got to meet _you_.” He gave his cheek a soft pinch. “You tell your Uncle Erich to bring you by my office sometime, I have something special for you.”

The boys’ eyes brightened with excitement and a wide grin graced his small face. “Oh thank you, I’d love that Reichsmarschall!” He gave John an ardent salute, “Heil Himmler!”

With Juliana there beside him, he cringed at being saluted by this poor boy whose young heart was already tainted with propaganda. It sickened him, he knew it sickened her as well. He remembered Thomas at that age, like it was yesterday, and once again hated himself for forcing the agenda so vehemently down his son’s throat... 

“No need for that, you call me John.”

The boy nodded and smiled gleefully. “I want to be _just_ like you when I grow up, sir.”

John kneeled down to meet the boys’ face and gripped his shoulders with a forcefulness stronger than he intended, startling the small child. “You listen here, promise me you’ll grow up and be whatever you want to be, understand? Follow your heart, do something to bring good and kindness to this world.” John’s throat choked as he held back his tears...wanting in some way to impart any measure of wisdom on this boy that he had denied Thomas... He felt as if someone had kicked him square in the chest. He wanted to tell him to be anything but a Nazi. Do anything but spread evil. Think for yourself, question and resist. Don’t, don’t, don’t be like me. 

Never like me.

The infatuated boy was taken completely aback by John’s frantic request. He stepped back a few paces and answered the Reichsmarschall with a feeble, “Yes, sir,” and an assured nod, before turning to walk across the room where Amy had wandered.

A sympathetic hand landed on his shoulder and rested there. Juliana’s, of course. He placed his hand atop hers, his crushed spirit desperately in need of her love and validation. He squeezed her hand so tightly she winced from the tingling discomfort it wrought, but she didn’t care. No one saw them, save for Lucy who had caught the scene from the corner of her eye with wonder and was now finding it hard to focus on anything else. He realized the power of his grip and immediately lightened it, but continued kneeling, unsure for a moment if his legs would pull his leaden body up unassisted. 

Sensing his paralyzation, Juliana slowly bent down to him.

“John,” she said gently.

He timidly met her gaze with misty eyes. 

“I love you,” she mouthed.

He clamped his eyes shut, without any trace of his typical stoic composure, startling her profoundly. 

The photographer, who had been entirely immersed in her activities with the Raeders, finally glanced in their direction, motioning them to come over. “Reichsmarschall. Let’s have you and Mrs. Blake in the picture please. The children as well.”

”Sure,” she answered for him, as he attempted to gather himself. His heart sank further at hearing Juliana addressed by her new title. He’d failed Thomas and now he’d failed Juliana, his dear sweet Juliana and their  baby. 

They reluctantly joined in with the happy newlyweds. John was directed to stand beside Erich, Juliana beside Lucy, respectively.  

After the photographer was satisfied, she peered out from the camera. “Now- just the Best Man and Maid of Honor please.”

John moved in beside her, close enough to touch but not quite. He ached to immediately quit the reception, but as acutely pained as he was in Juliana’s presence, his need for her was greater. Emotionally _and_ physically. Just to stand beside her was glorious...

He was  addicted to her— _mind, body and soul._

Juliana wanted nothing more than to throw herself on him, feel his skin on hers, feel his warmth inside her, anywhere she could. She wanted to do anything possible to take his anguish and make it hers. 

Lucy and Erich moved to the side and watched the scene of their two best friends beside each other. Both secretly wished that fate had been as kind to them as it had been for themselves. 

 

                            *****

 

By the time the foursome made their way to the head table, it was clear that Helen and Joe were mildly giddy, having already indulged in several martinis.

This would be the first time the Smiths and Blakes were all together in one room, a fact that both John and Juliana were acutely aware  of at that exact moment.

John maintained his well-trained poker face as he took his seat and kissed Helen on her cheek, noticing that Joe was doing the same to Juliana, almost simultaneously. 

“They’re a lovely couple aren’t they?” Helen said to John with a smile as she watched the newlyweds dance their first dance as a married couple. 

“Ah, yes, quite.” He took a sip of his wine, desperate for something stronger. “And very much compatible, it seems.”

Helen nodded, annoyed by John’s pragmatic remark, hoping for a more romantic response  for once. 

“I’m getting a drink at the bar, would you care for anything Helen?” he asked, out of a gentleman’s obligation, but wanted her to refuse. Things had been going better than expected, the last thing he needed was an intoxicated Helen.   
  
The corners of her lips curled slightly as she spoke, “Yes, a dirty martini would be wonderful, thank you dear.”

His eyes traveled to Joe, who was whispering something into Juliana’s ear that must have been amusing due to her giggling. The drink would be a double, he decided...hell maybe he’d reach over the counter and take the whole bottle. Joe noticed John approaching the bar and walked over to join him, only a few paces behind.

John and Erich were really the only people he knew there, apart from a few co-workers he  had attended a meeting or two with and recognized. 

“Reichsmarschall, how are you this evening?”

John slowly turned to look at him, schooling his face into neutral apathy, disguising his hostility.

When the unflappable, green eyes pierced him with their gaze, Joe was surprised to find that Smith still overpowered and deeply intimated him with just a glance. 

“Fine, Joe. And you?” 

“Wonderful, actually.”

”I understand congratulations are in order.”

”Yes, thank you.”

John nodded and took a long sip. There was a sense of gloat in Joe's revelation which irked John.

“Jagermeister on the rocks and a ginger ale please,” Joe instructed the bartender when he approached. “Thank you.” He wanted to say more but the words didn’t come. 

Noticing that John had already slung back his shot, the bartender approached him again. “Another Jack Daniels, Reichsmarschall?”

”Yes please.”

Apologies weren’t typically forthcoming for John, but for Juliana’s sake he’d do it. It would help to dispel any lingering doubts as well. He was keen to notice the subtle undertones of malice, brewing just below Joe’s surface. 

“Listen Joe, I can feel the strain between us, and I understand why. I apologize for anything I’ve done in the past to wrong you. That was never my intention.” He looked down at his hands, grazing his palms together in a brief moment of humility, then continued. “We all have to follow orders, don’t we?” 

Joe nodded, his face set in a dispassionate expression. “Of course, Reichsmarschall.”

”If I hadn’t revealed your father’s treason, it’s doubtful any one in this room would still be standing here. It was bigger than you and me. It was for humanity.”

Joe brought his drink up to his mouth, then set it down before taking a sip. He knew better than to verbally engage John. “Yes. We can’t have traitors among us at any level, much less high command. Let’s toast to that, `For the Reich,” he said, raising his glass. John raised a cautious hand and tapped Joe’s glass. “For the Reich,” he echoed. The two didn’t break their gaze as they drank. 

John knew that Joe had always badly craved male approval due to growing up without a father, which is what had always made it so easy to manipulate him. But he suspected that his influence had waned, perhaps, and had been effectively replaced by Himmler. This realization both disturbed and perplexed him. He seemed to be Himmler’s new secret weapon, from what he’d been piecing together. And most likely an assassin. 

“We’d better get these drinks to the ladies,” John suggested, eager to rid himself of his current situation. 

Meanwhile, back at the table Helen had attempted to offer Juliana her deepest apologies, also offering well wishes for her new marriage. She managed to endure the conversation well enough and Helen’s apology seemed fairly heartfelt, but she couldn’t keep her mind from traveling to thoughts of John sleeping with his wife. She chanced a brief glimpse of her chest, much more full than her own, wondering if John had felt those breasts under his skin lately, suckled them, teased them, then moved further down and pushed his manhood into her. She hated herself for thinking it. She tried to instantly erase it from her mind the second it took hold.

“Joe’s a good guy, Juliana,” Helen continued, completely unaware of her listener’s perverse rumination, “I could tell from the first time we met on VA day. He played baseball with Thomas and was so sweet with the girls. Quite handsome, too,” she said with a wink.

Juliana softly laughed and gave her a shy smile. 

”Here you are Helen,” John said, handing her her martini. “I trust you ladies have had a chance to catch up,” he said with a charming lilt in his voice.

”Yes we have,” Helen said, smiling at Juliana. 

“Wonderful,” he said, with guarded optimism.

The main course was served just as Erich and Lucy had returned to their seats, after circulating the room to receive their guests. 

John reached inside his coat and removed the paper which held his toast. He stood up, tapping a spoon to his glass. Juliana’s heart began fiercely thumping as he began his speech.

“Good evening everyone,” he peered over the crowd, taking in his audience, “today is a happy day indeed, the joining of these two wonderful people who are so special to me and to everyone here tonight.” He turned to face Erich. “I owe a debt of gratitude to you for your loyalty, service, and friendship. I’ve wished for many years now that the perfect woman would find you, and I couldn’t be more pleased with your choice.” Lucy affectionately smiled at John. “Lucy, you’re a beautiful woman, inside and out. Warm, loving, funny, and you make a chocolate cake which is unrivaled. Sorry Helen, I had to say it dear.” A soft laugh rippled through the room. “Let me leave you two with a quote from the beautiful love story of Romeo and Juliet—” he cleared his throat.  
‘ _Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs; Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes; Being vexed, a sea nourished with loving tears. What is it else? A madness most discreet, A choking gall, and a preserving sweet.’_

”Lets all raise a glass to toast the happy couple. May their lives be forever filled with love and happiness.”

The clink of champagne flutes echoed throughout the room and everyone smiled at the Reichsmarschall’s warm toast. 

John folded his paper and returned it to his coat as he sat down. Helen smiled and kissed his cheek adoringly. His eyes dashed to Juliana and he noticed her look away. You’re so beautiful tonight, my love...his heart said to her. So very, very beautiful.

 

                              *****

 

Over the next hour the dancing and festivities continued. Joe and Juliana had danced twice. John had tried his best not to take note, but after having several more drinks he felt  himself becoming inebriated and much less able to curb his jealousies.

“That was a lovely toast John, well done,” Helen said as they danced. 

“Thank you. It was rather last minute. I remembered I needed to write it earlier today, thankfully.”

”Well, you have a way with words. Always have. No one could’ve suspected it wasn’t rehearsed for a week.”

He nodded, distractedly, noticing just beyond where they were dancing that Joe’s hand had traveled further down Juliana’s waist and he was leaning down to her, cheek against cheek. Somehow this exchange of intimacy hurt him more than the sexual escapades on the film he had endured last night. 

Amy nervously approached them. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but Jenny isn’t feeling well. She told me she already vomited once in the bathroom and she feels like she may again.” 

“Oh no, poor Jennifer! Thank you for telling us Amy,” Helen said, turning to John. “I’ll take her home dear, I know you have your obligations to Erich.”

”Are you sure?”

”Quite. Really it’s fine, I’m getting tired anyhow.”

John peered over to Joe, unable to calm the growing excitement taking hold as they walked back to the table. He swiftly approached him with determination. “Joe, Jennifer isn’t feeling well and needs to leave. Would you mind driving them home, if it’s not too much trouble?”

”Of course not, glad to help.”

”It’s a decent drive to Long Island from here, John you may need to take Juliana home if it’s late,” Helen suggested.

Juliana tried to stifle her mounting excitement, listening as the situation unfolded. The prospect of even a few stolen moments with him made her pulse quicken. 

“Absolutely,” John replied with a blank face, expertly masking his eagerness. 

”We moved into a new apartment this week, here in downtown so it’s not too far from here. Juliana will show you where it is,” Joe said. 

She nodded, “Yes of course. I hope Jenny feels better.”

Helen was somewhat miffed at Juliana’s casual use of her daughters nickname, reminding her of how close she’d gotten to her family while she was gone...but the envy quickly retreated as she watched Joe give her a warm embrace and kiss before leaving. She once again urged herself to be grateful, not jealous, and moved to gather her things so that they could leave. 

                           *****

After cutting their cake, the newlyweds made their way back to the head table. Joe and Helen had been gone close to thirty minutes and in that time John had been wrangled into several obligatory conversations with SS officers and their spouses, much to his chagrin. 

Juliana had also found herself waylaid by a nosy officer’s spouse who had questions ranging from what life was like in the Pacific States, to how long she’d known Joe, and would she be interested in joining a few of the social clubs for SS wives. She couldn’t manage to break free and this pestering woman had been chirping in her ear for the better part of fifteen minutes. She’d noticed John’s eyes roving to hers on several occasions, checking in on her, seemingly just as eager to dispense with his conversation. He gestured for Erich to lean in towards him. “Looks like our dear Juliana has outgrown Mrs. Fields’ conversation, maybe you should rescue her.” Erich nodded, immediately heading over to Juliana on a mission. 

“Excuse me Mrs. Fields, mind if I steal Julia? I would be quite remiss to let the evening pass without dancing with the maid of honor,” he asked, in his usual gracious manner. 

“Well we were just discu—” the woman started to say..

“I’d love to,” Juliana interrupted.

Erich swooped her away onto the dance floor, leaving Mrs. Fields with a perfectly aghast expression on her face. As soon as they were far enough away from her they both burst out in a riotous laugh.

”Thank God you came when you did, I thought I would lose my mind, you’re my hero Erich Raeder!” she giggled.

He couldn’t keep from chuckling and was thankful that the band was playing a lively tempo. “Glad to be of service madam, but I can’t take all the credit, it seems that your real savior was John. He caught wind of your plight and asked me to assist, as he was bound in a similar way.”

She smiled at his revelation. “Ah. He’s a good friend, I appreciate how kind he always is to me.”

The wide grin on his face turned serious.

“Juliana, I’m sure you already know this, but he cares for you—very much. I’ve known him a long time and I can tell you that I’ve never seen him act before the way he does with you. We’ve been to a handful of social events together over the years and many beautiful women have flirted with him, ranging from  secretaries at SS to bored, unfulfilled housewives. He never bats an eye. But you— _you_ have turned him upside down.”

She smiled, his words playing on her like a much needed tonic. “I wish we had met sooner, he and I,” she said, a far-away look in her eyes. Then, just as quickly, she regained her senses and looked back at Erich, her gaze fixed on his shoulder.

He cleared his throat. ”Yes,” he said kindly. 

Then, in perfect timing, Erich felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. 

“May I cut in?” the rich, husky voice asked.

”Certainly,” said Erich, relieved, worried he’d said too much. 

John had been dancing with Lucy so he handed her off to her new husband with a smile and scooped Juliana off of Erich. One hand laced through hers, firm and warm. The other clamped possessively around her waist and pulled it in tightly, needing to touch as much of her as possible.

Oh how she melted to his touch! Only he could make her feel this way. No other man alive. Only he could make her tingle and yearn like this. She felt a dull, throbbing pain growing between her legs, intensifying as he held her tighter. Could he feel that small bump up against his belly, she wondered? That new life growing inside her, the culmination of their love for one another. 

More than anything she wanted to lay her head against his broad chest, to feel his heart beating, take in his warmth like a blanket on the coldest of winter days.

The band slowed their tempo and began playing “Can’t Help Falling in Love With You.” John smiled, thinking how fitting it was in that moment. 

They danced silently, and Juliana knew it was she who needed to make the first move. She had run from him, hadn’t given him a chance to explain. Then she went off and married Joe with not so much as a phone call.

“ _Like a river flows, surely to the sea, darling so it goes..Some things, are meant to be..._  
 _Take my hand, take my whole life too,  
For I can't help falling in love with you..._”

”You are so very handsome tonight, _my_ _love_ ,” she said, her voice deep with desire.

His heart melted at hearing the lovely mix of compliment and term of endearment. It was typically he who bestowed such honeyed words onto her, but how pleasing it was to receive it from her sweet lips. 

”Have you any idea what you’re doing to me in this dress?” he asked, glancing down at her bejeweled neckline and the voluptuous treasures which lay underneath. He let out a soft, primitive groan. He wanted to tear her dress off and show her all the ways he’d dreamt of having her.

The moist heat from his mouth dripped with luscious masculinity. It was almost more than she could take. If she weren’t so well acquainted with how perfectly delicious his mouth tasted and how skilled he was at using that warm tongue, how pliant those lips were on hers...perhaps she could imagine that he was the cold-hearted bastard that he appeared to be...then maybe, _just maybe_ , she could’ve managed a vestige of resistance, but she knew better— _much_ better, than that. 

“What? What is it that I’m... _doing to you?”_ she asked slowly, in an equally erotic, seductive voice.”

Gaging by his quickened breathing and tighter clasping of his hand on hers, she knew he was pleased with her question and eager to continue their verbal foreplay. 

“You’ve got me so hard that I’m not entirely sure how I’ll be able to walk off the dance floor without raising a roomful of eyebrows,” he growled into her ear, dying to cover her earlobe with his lips and suckle it.

She giggled softly, in that adorable girly way that drove him perfectly insane with lust.

“Talk dirty to me,” he playfully demanded, needing something to placate his desire before he bent her over a table and took her.

Her face darkened and she bit her lower lip, determined to meet his request. He felt himself harden even further in response to her willingness to comply so readily. 

“I need you to fuck me so _hard_ with that huge, warm cock,” she whispered, resting her forehead very lightly against his cheek, grateful that the dim lighting wouldn’t reveal her flushed cheeks. She’d never talked to any man like she talked to him, but he drew it out of her and she knew he adored it. After living in a repressed culture for twenty years and taught to be demure and docile, it was so damn liberating.

His groin twinged. He could’ve easily orgasmed right then and there. Especially with the way he was pressing  himself up against her. Involuntarily.  _Instinctively_.

”I want your _hot mouth_ on my nipples,” she said, breathing heavily against him, “I want you to _taste_ me.”

Neither one had realized how dramatically their pace had slowed and could currently be best defined as standing in place with their bodies slowly rocking, not in tune to the song but their own rhythm. 

“Mmm,” he moaned, closing his eyes and picturing himself wildly driving into her, “let’s get outta here.”

She nodded, frighteningly aware that no amount of will power would allow her to not go with him—whenever, wherever.

He was her kryptonite.   
   
                          *****

They stayed just long enough to dispel any curiosity, ensuring that Erich and Lucy weren’t in need of anything else before they left. With a few quick smiles and kisses on cheeks, they made their way out into the lobby.

“I’ll just be a minute, I need to use the restroom,” she said.

A grin tugged at the corners of his lips. ”Okay, but don’t keep me waiting too long.”

As he waited he walked over to look at the holiday fir tree displayed nearby. There was a swastika on the top, as supposed to the star he’d grown up seeing, as well as swastika-shaped lights strung on it. It had taken some time for him to dispense with calling it a Christmas tree, as well as accept the renaming of Christmas as Winter Solstice. His girls would never know of Santa Claus. The Germanic god Odin bore a similar resemblance to him. The school children were taught that Odin was the "Solstice Man", who rode a white charger, sporting a thick grey beard and wearing a slouch hat, carrying a sack full of gifts. Shop catalogues contained children's toys made available during the holiday season which featured chocolate SS soldiers, toy tanks, fighter planes and machine guns. As a sign of appreciation, Himmler frequently gave SS members a _Julleuchter_  ("Yule lantern"), a kind of ornate Germanic candlestick. 

He stood and wondered, as he had many times recently, how he had been able to stomach the indoctrination for twenty long years...to categorically deny and repudiate everything he had been raised to believe. And now, Jahr Null loomed in the not too distant future, eradicating the last shred of the America he knew and loved. The America he had defended and fought for as a U.S. Army Captain. 

He felt a warm hand on the small of his back and was grateful for a distraction from his upsetting realizations. She had reapplied more lipstick and freshened herself up, he thought when he turned around. Without hesitation, he pulled her into him for a comforting embrace, resting his chin on the top of her head. He closed his eyes, breathing in her scent, living for her touch. She felt like home.

Juliana was glad there were no signs of anyone around them, although in John’s state of mild drunkenness it didn’t seem he would care anyhow. He cupped a hand around her graceful, exposed neck, gently guiding her to look up and meet his eyes.

“I feel our baby,” he said with a quiet, adoring expression of love in his eyes, pressing his stomach gently against hers.

”Mmmm...getting bigger every day it seems,” she said, so softly it was almost a whisper, her hands resting on his hips, not wanting the moment to ever end.  
     
                          *****

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two...God I have such lovely ideas for them! 
> 
> Thanks for reading and thank you to those who’ve left kudos and inspiring feedback, means the world to me!


	30. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After leaving Erich and Lucy’s wedding reception, J&J have their own after party. Lovers reunited...life seems good again...
> 
> Happy (slightly belated) birthday to Mr. Sewell, you sexy beast you! 
> 
> With just a little over two weeks until season 4...I’m about to spontaneously combust, ahh! And we get to see the even lovelier side of John. The side which I based this fic on, actually! So BRING IT. 💋

“You’d better let me drive,” she suggested as they walked up to his car. 

“Ah, I’ve only had a few drinks and that was awhile ago.”

She dropped her head and flashed him a doubtful glance. “I saw you knocking back shots at the bar with Joe.”

“Alright, you’re right...best not to chance it,” he said, grinning. He dug through his coat pocket and handed her the keys. “I mostly blame you, you’ve got me drinking whiskey again. I hadn’t touched the stuff in years.”

“Uh-huh,” she smiled, “of course _I’m_ to blame for your inebriation, that makes sense,” she teased. He liked her sarcasm.

As soon as they were in the car, doors locked, he showered her in a dozen quick, light kisses, trailing from her dainty, perfumed wrists, all the way up to her shoulders, across her collarbone, dipping down into the warm space between her bosom. He paused there a moment, kissing the tops of each breast. Then moving steadily back up to her throat, finally landing on her sweet, painted lips. He retreated, just barely, having momentarily regained his faculties and realizing they were in the parking lot where guests would be exiting.

“It’s too risky here. Head to your apartment,” he said, his breathing labored. He planted a delicate kiss on the bridge of her nose and settled back on the seat.

She nodded and started the car. Noticing that she was shivering, he reached the knob to turn the heat on. 

“Thanks. Still getting used to winter in New York. I think I liked summer and fall much better,” she laughed. 

“I’ll second that,” he smiled.

He glanced at her bare hands wrapped around the steering wheel. “No gloves?”

“Hmm...yeah, I keep forgetting to buy some,” she offered. He knew she was embarrassed. 

“I’d give you mine but I’m afraid they would be entirely too big for your delicate hands,” he said softly, pulling her right hand to his mouth, at first lavishing it with several kisses, then rubbing it briskly between his hands to warm it. She graced his eyes with tender adoration and resumed driving.

Why hadn’t Joe bought her gloves and a scarf, he wondered angrily. He’d grown up in New York and was well accustomed to the winters here. Didn’t he know this was all new for Juliana? He wanted to tell her that if she was his, he’d buy her the loveliest pair of cashmere gloves for her porcelain hands and the softest sweater to wrap her in. 

She found a parking space right in front of the apartment building and lined up to parallel park. The location was unnervingly close to SS Headquarters, but she was happy to no longer be under surveillance, a detail which would undoubtedly please John, she thought.

She turned off the car and looked over at him, noting the surprised expression on his face. 

“Same apartment building as Erich’s, I know,” she smiled. “Although he’s having his things moved into Lucy’s house in the next week or so I believe.”

He cocked an eyebrow with intrigue. “Interesting,” was all he got out.   
  
John opened the door to get out and Juliana slid across the leather bench seat. She neither questioned that he was walking her inside, nor what would transpire once they were alone in the apartment. She knew he wanted it just as desperately as she did. 

Juliana handed John his keys back just before they walked into the building, then leaned into his ear. “There’s no surveillance here,” she whispered, looking coyly up at him. 

He allowed himself a small chuckle. “I know. But you’re cute for telling me.”

She laughed as she realized how ridiculous her comment had been. He was the Reischmarshall. He was probably the one ordering any and all surveillance, and as she was also painfully reminded, often privy to viewing footage. 

“Of course,” she smiled. 

John breezed them past the security guard, hoping to avoid a salute. No such luck.

“Heil Himmler,” John returned, dispassionately. 

“Which floor?” John asked her, standing in front of the elevator.

“You don’t already know?” she quipped.

Once on the elevator he answered her. “Contrary to what you might believe, I don’t make a regular habit of spying on you,” he said, with a hint of playfulness in his tone. “Himmler’s been particularly tight-lipped about anything in regards to Joe with me, intentionally I’m sure.”

John realized that Joe had been allowed to move into the new apartment prior to him even having the scheduled meeting with Himmler in which he was to furnish his surveillance report. This realization both confirmed his assumptions regarding Himmler’s ulterior motive and supremely annoyed him.

Once inside, John immediately locked the deadbolt and turned to face her. 

He took off his hat and coat, then walked over to where she stood in front of the glass door which led out to the balcony. Juliana noticed his mood had turned more tender. 

After locking eyes with her, he ran his index finger lightly over each eyebrow, a gentle smile set on his face, tracing over her cheekbones, then lightly over her lips, resting on her plump bottom one. He softly tugged it out from where it rested with his thumb, staring a moment before lowering his head to draw it into his wet mouth—at first nipping it slightly, then sucking it deeper into his mouth while he moaned in satisfaction.   


Suddenly he released her imprisoned lip— something had caught his eye, distracting him from his current pleasantries. Her heart lightened when he smiled. Juliana realized that the source of his captivation was behind her. 

“It’s snowing,” he said, directing her to turn around to take in the beautiful view. 

She turned quickly and stared for a moment in wonder, then returned to meet his eyes with a child-like excitement that touched his heart.   


“Let’s step out,” he suggested, leaning to open the balcony door.   


“I’ve never seen snow! Trudy and I always wanted to make a snowman when we were little...and snow angels.”  


Nothing quite affected him like that sparkle in her eyes—the passion for life he’d seen when he took her sailing and the wind blew through her luscious brunette locks, when they picked apples out in the country surrounded by beautiful autumn splendor and she’d captured the most perfect apple, smiling at him when she bit into it. When he’d surprised her with buying the little black dress at the boutique before Jenny’s dance, perhaps realizing in that moment that he had feelings for her, and she felt the same spark. No pretenses, no motives, she was always _real_. He’d never known someone like her before, someone who derived such sheer delight from the smallest trivialities, always filled with an appreciation and wonder he seldom found in others, or at least not since before the war. 

She held her hands out to feel it, letting the powdery flakes collect in her hands. He looked on with nothing but love for this adorable girl who warmed his heart so much, who made him feel so alive. Made him remember the goodness in life that was worth fighting for.  


“You should eat a snow flake,” he said, now with a gleam in his eyes which matched hers. “Christmas-time snow flakes taste the best,” he said, remembering how his mother told him that when he was small. He closed his eyes and opened his mouth to gather some.

She laughed and took his suggestion, opening her grinning mouth as wide as she comfortably could. “Mmm, not bad. Although I haven’t tasted other months to compare. I’ll take your word for it,” she giggled. “I _do_ miss Christmas, don’t you John? I remember all of the beautiful lights, going to the candlelight service with my grandparents, waiting for Santa on Christmas Eve.” She smiled that smile again that he loved, but this time it was tinged with sadness. He knew exactly how she felt.   


“Yes, I do miss it. It’s a horrible thing when people are forced to forget all of the traditions that they hold dear,” he said, admitting his disgust not only to her but also to himself.

Anxious to discontinue walking down the dismal road they seemed to be embarking, he quickly sought to resume the conversation’s former levity. 

“But we can remember it together, my love...and make new memories,” he said gently, pulling her hands to his. “I think I remember hearing that snowflakes taste better when,  _shared,”_ he winked, capturing her lips.

After a minute of pleasuring one another’s mouths, they loosened their embrace and he studied her face as he caught his breath. 

“You don’t need it, you know,” he said, looking at her with half-lidded eyes. His fingers were laced together, resting snugly and causally down low on her waist, as if they were long-time lovers. 

”Need what?” she queried breathlessly.

“All this make-up.”

He leaned in to take her earlobe into his hungry mouth, his tongue slowly flitting over it. Then his kisses moved along the outer edge of her ear, from the lobe to the top, awakening every nerve in her body, causing her to softly moan, “ _John_ ” with each kiss he left.

“You’re gorgeous. A natural beauty. I thought that from the first time we met,” he whispered into her hair.

There it is again, she thought. That unfailing, consistent and almost terrifying power he had over her, which always made her heady and confused, doubting everything she thought she knew about love and romance and every man she’d thought was right for her before him. No lovers—past, present or future would ever even come close to rivaling this.  

She pulled his hand up to her face, pressing her lips firmly into each palm, covering them each in adoring kisses, the way he’d done to her in the car.  


Their gazes fixed, she brushed her hands over his cheekbones. “You’re so handsome,” she whispered. He closed his eyes as she placed three soft kisses on his face—forehead, nose, chin, in succession, then back up to his lips, which were parted and ready for her. Ohhh, yes, these lips, his lips. Nothing feels as right.

She ran her fingers through his short curls while he plunged his mouth as deep into her as he could. He wanted her to come undone for him, to need him as _badly_ as he needed her. He couldn’t go deep enough to satisfy his growing need to bury himself to the hilt into her other lovely opening.   


He faded his tongue out of her mouth and finished with several tender kisses, lightly grazing her lips. Next, he moved his hand to her abdomen, delicately caressing the silky dress which covered her growing bump. He wanted to feel her bare skin on his.  


John sank to his knees to sanctify their creation and held his mouth against her belly. His eyes were shut tight in reverence.   


She stroked the cheek that lay against her with the backside of her fingers, allowing him to claim what was his. He turned slowly moving his head back and forth over it, kissing and kissing. Juliana was moved to tears by his adoration, knowing he’d fathered three children before. Anyone would have thought it was his first, based on his degree of genuine infatuation.

He lowered himself further down, firmly prodding his nose into her sex. The smell of her arousal fiercely propelled him back to where his mind had been since they had slow danced at the reception.

John rose to his feet with a fire in his eyes which signaled her that the tender moment had passed and his unrequited lust had returned, in spades. 

“We—” 

"Don’t have much time,” he interrupted, “I know.” 

He took her hand and led her to the bedroom, thankful that it wasn’t the same bed or room he’d seen the footage of the night before when he’d drunk himself into a stupor. 

The apartment was quite extravagant, more so than Erich’s even, fully furnished and decorated to the nines. Their bedroom suite boasted a stunning view of downtown Manhattan, with a lavish four-poster bed. John wondered how many dirty deeds Joe had carried out for Himmler to reward him like this. He shuddered to think. 

The curtains were drawn and the bright city lights and marquis signs showered light through the large glass window; the room was aglow.   
  
“Joe has a key for Erich’s apartment,” she said, thinking out loud as her eyes darted around the room, devising a plan. Despite the alcohol and his throbbing need to take her, which were both massively clouding his logic, he pulled his head into the plan.

“Yes, that’s good. I’ll call Helen and try to find out how close Joe might be. Then I’ll tell her I need to sleep at Erich’s because I’ve had too much to drink.”

“Joe has to leave early tomorrow morning for a trip. He’ll be gone for about four or five days.”

This was all coming together nicely. Too nicely, John thought. Never mind that. Right now he had the most sexy woman he’d ever known standing next to him, wanting him, wet for him. Erich wouldn’t have that apartment for much longer and the opportunity had presented itself.

“Well that’s...convenient.” he answered, kissing her quickly then picking up the phone to dial. 

Juliana stood beside him, too nervous to sit down. She heard the phone ring...once...twice....then, “Hi Helen, I’m just checking to see that Joe got you and the girls home okay? Hmm? Oh. Well good. And how’s Jenny feeling?”

He grabbed her hand and pushed it into his manhood, hard and ready for her. Holding her there, he flashed a seductive grin. She bit the corner of her lower lip and squeezed his length, stunned by how warm he was even through his pants. Lately she’d laid in bed fantasizing about the feel of his silky member in her mouth and regretted that she’d only done that twice.

He nodded and continued, “Alright well don’t keep him out too late,” he tilted his head back and clenched his eyes shut tight in response to her having sunk down to kneeling position to unzip his pants. He stroked her hair while she continued her task, finally finding the slit in his underwear and pulling out his manhood. He could barely focus on getting his words out properly, then he realized that would probably work in his favor, making more of a case for his alibi of drunkenness...   


“Helen I’m going to stay over at Erich’s apartment. Yes. Didn’t realize how much I had to drink at the wedding but it’s a long drive to Long Island. Besides, I have some work to do at the office in the morning. Mmm? I will. Ok, goodnight dear,” he cleared his throat and quietly said, “Love you too.”  


He looked down at Juliana as he slowly hung up the phone. The weight of guilt for Helen, as well as concern and worry for Juliana coarsed through him and converged like two intersecting express trains-striking him thunderously, effectively darkening both of their moods. His heart sank as he watched her eyes retreat from glancing up at him with a soft smile, to looking down at the floor, away from his gaze in obvious dysphoria. 

He drew himself back into his pants and pulled her up to face him. Not even sure he understood how he felt, he knew he needed to articulate something. But then, in the midst of his bewilderment, his heart knew in that moment exactly what it needed to convey. Suddenly all other thoughts blurred and one singular concept remained, burning bright with clarity.   
  
John gently rose her chin up to meet his gaze and let out a long, ragged sigh.

“Juliana, I do love Helen. She is my wife. We’ve built nearly twenty years of memories together, I can’t just forget all that. But—" he paused, running his finger along her jawline. She kept her focus on his shirt collar, still avoiding his eyes—though she knew she had no right to guilt him.

“Look at me.”

No response.

“Please.”

Slowly, she complied.

“But I’m _in love_ with you, Juliana.”

He rested his forehead against hers and continued, “And I haven’t been in love with her for quite some time now. I didn’t know that though, until I met you. Didn’t realize how I’d been going through the motions in autopilot for _so_ long. Even at its best, it never held a candle to what we have.”

She stood motionless. 

“Have you any idea, _any_ , how tortuous it was to watch the footage of you and Joe?? Even just the thought of you in his arms has driven me insane! I’ve never been so jealous in my entire life. Knowing he gets to touch you, to hold you, to marry you, to make love with you,” he said, running his fingers through his hair in frustration. 

She quickly placed her finger over his mouth to silence him. “No. He doesn’t get to make love with me. That— _what you saw—_ and how it’s been every time with him, that’s just sex, John. That wasn’t making love. You’re the only man I’ve ever truly made love to. Not even Frank. My heart wasn’t ever in it like it is with you,” she kissed his cheek tenderly then pulled his hand up to her chest, over her heart, her eyes welling. “This,” she drew him tighter to her for emphasis, “this is yours and yours alone.” Staring into his jeweled eyes, she slid his hand down further to rest over the place where their baby lay nestled. “And this, this is ours and ours alone. We _made_ this.”

He pulled her head against his chest, so in love with this woman he was filled to bursting.  It took all of his will to hold back everything that he wanted to say to her. He felt truly loved by her, but nagging insecurities still plagued his heart.

She thinks she loves me now but over time she will grow closer to Joe, make a life with him...raise our child with him. The two of them have always had an attraction...any affection they have now will only blossom into a real love and their connections will become stronger, more tangible. 

She felt the fast thumping of his heart, just below his strong, broad chest that smelled so comforting.

John kissed her eyelids softly. “Yes. We made this,” he repeated, stroking his hand over her abdomen.

A part of her knew she should let sleeping dogs lie. The other part wanted to speak her heart. She opted for the latter. 

“And just so you know, it’s precisely the same for me when I see Helen,” she continued. “Tonight at the reception, my thoughts kept drifting to you two sleeping together. Just the thought of you kissing her, caressing her, being inside of her. I couldn’t even focus on what she was saying.”

“Juliana. It’s not like that,” he said, shaking his head. “Truly.”

“Have you slept with her since she’s been back?” she dared ask, even surprising herself with her brazenness. 

John knew he needed to be honest. He exhaled and nodded.

“Yes. But how it is with she and I...it’s the same as with you and Joe, really. I hate to admit it but it hasn’t been anything other than obligatory in quite some time. Even before everything that happened with Thomas, far before you even came into our lives,” he sighed, holding her shoulders. “Do you believe me?”

She rubbed her hand over his.  “I do.”

But that wasn’t exactly the truth. A small part of her still questioned, wishing she didn’t. 

They stood there a long minute, just holding the other. The electricity surging through both of their veins. The power of the confessions which were made, still soaking into their souls. 

“How far away do you think Joe is?” 

“He’s still at my house. Helen made him a drink and something light to eat.”

“Hmm. How nice of her,” she smiled.

“Helen knows you’re pregnant,” he said, out of the blue. 

“What? How?”

“She pieced it together. Saw that you only drank ginger ale tonight and then she remembered that you hadn’t drank for the girls date when you all went dress shopping with Lucy.”

Juliana chased away a burning desire to tell John just what had happened between she and Helen at the bridal boutique, but she knew it would sabotage the mood and after all, Helen had apologized at the reception tonight. Not to mention that she was now married to Joe and Helen seemed pleased. The matter seemed like it had resolved. No point in needlessly upsetting John.

“Well, I suppose it’s becoming fairly obvious anyhow,” she said as she walked over towards the vanity to sit down. She began removing the bobby pins from her hair. John followed and stood behind where she sat. 

His hand covered hers. “Let me.”

The hairdresser had placed at least twenty pins in her hair in order to achieve the French twist which Lucy had requested. 

It was too tempting not to kiss the back of her dainty, bare neck. She felt her stomach wildly flutter when his warm lips brushed the delicate skin near her hairline. 

“Mmm. What perfume are you wearing?” he asked, nipping her neck.

“Chanel No. 5.”

“It suits you,” he growled into her ear. “Although I daresay my favorite scent is... _Juliana_.”

She took a deep breath, unsure how much longer she could keep from tearing his clothes off. Surely he must hear my heart pounding, she thought. 

After he removed the last pin, he glanced up at her image in the mirror and smiled. He ran his fingers through her locks, tousling them adoringly, then gathered and draped them over her left shoulder in order to focus his attention on her right shoulder. Very slowly he lowered the spaghetti strap, relishing the feel of her smooth, baby soft skin. First under his fingers, then on his lips. He licked and nipped from the outermost part, working his way inward to her collarbone.

To his surprise, she stood up and turned to face him, wearing a seductive smirk, exciting him beyond all measure.   
  
“You sit,” she suggested.

She stood in front of him, their knees touching. Before she knew it, his eyes and hands were fixed on her outer thighs. With supreme concentration, he slowly lifted the floor-length gown up her legs, snaking his hands around to her backside where his fingers toured her lace-covered bottom, squeezing and plying her lovely assets.

She couldn’t stifle a moan when he pulled her panties down and circled his fingers over her bundle of nerves until they were soaked in her arousal. His pleased smile spoke a thousand words; she knew her wetness fueled his ego and drove him crazy.

“See what you do to me,” she panted, her voice low.  


“I’m about to do much more... ” 

If she wasn’t already verging on orgasm before he touched her, it certainly almost took her when he proceeded to capture his drenched fingers in his mouth, staring at her intently as he sucked her essence off them.

He pulled her down onto his lap, directing her legs to straddle him. She reached down to feel the erection she’d elicited while he pressed the same two fingers he’d just sucked against her lips with a smile. 

Juliana tossed her head back with a wanton groan and he kissed the column of her throat. One of her hands held the back of his head, swiping his hair through her fingers along the nape of his neck, tugging it affectionately.   


Eager for her nakedness, he slid her dress up further, urgently this time. She raised her arms in response and he tossed the dress carelessly to the side, causing it to gather in a pool of lovely burgundy on the floor.   


“That’s better,” he purred, voice raspy, “I’ve wanted to do that all night.”  


Next, he made short work of her bra, reaching around to unhook and briskly discard it in the same hasty manner as he had the dress.

John’s eyes glowed with a fierce passion as he beheld the image of her enlarged breasts and enlarged reddened nipples which her impending motherhood had generated. His hot tongue tip traced around her right areola while his hand firmly remained clasped onto her left breast, wanting to torment them both with his affections at the same time. He pulled in one nipple, then the other, lavishing each with his needy suckling. He took in as much of both breasts as he could, then retreated from the soft white flesh to focus just on the nipples, alternating between each one- not satisfied until he left them both hard and erect with his ministrations.

With each lick and suck of her breast the ache between her legs heightened to a point of no return. Then she imagined pleasuring him in her mouth.  


As soon as she thought it she voiced it.

“I’ve been dreaming about sliding you in and out of my mouth, punishing me with your wicked length.”

“Fu—” was all he got out before she covered her mouth over his.

“I need to taste you again,”  she continued.

“ _Do it,_ ” he mumbled into her mouth during a kiss, his fingers tweaking her nipples.   


She scooted off his lap and motioned for him to stand, scrabbling at his belt and becoming annoyed with every burdensome prerequisite needed to feel his hard, silky manhood.  


In an effort to expedite the process, he relieved her of her duties and within seconds his pants and underwear were down around his ankles. John stroked the top of her head in fascination as she knelt down and began.  


She teased him, encircling his tip and running long licks down the shaft, then swiping past the slit at the end to suck in the few drops of moisture which had emerged, signaling her that her techniques were effective and he was getting close.  


While he relished the thought of being in her sweet mouth as long as possible, after being tuned up for hours, seeing her lips around him, coupled with her expert suckling which never failed to amaze him. His restraint was nonexistent.

He grabbed the base of his cock and fed it into her mouth, not roughly, but with insistence. He slowly pushed in further and moaned when she gagged, feeling his balls instantly tighten.

“Oh my god Juliana, you feel so fucking good.” The sight of her beautiful, brown head down below, eagerly taking him while her heavy breasts shook was the end of him.  


She sucked as deep and hard as she could, knowing his release was imminent...whining with lust, which acutely intensified the experience for him. With one final deep thrust he emptied himself into her throat, quietly moaning several swear words while clutching her head. He came so hard he saw stars.  


After she swallowed his essence he helped her to stand. She demandingly captured his lips and drove her tongue in his mouth, swirling around his tongue, wanting him to taste himself.

He responded enthusiastically, walking her backward several paces to the bed, pulling her onto it, positioning his head between her legs to gift her with the same treatment she’d given him.

“Lay back. Relax,” he instructed.

She did. He peered up at her and was pleased to see her bosom heaving up and down rapidly in anticipation, whimpering. He planted a string of kisses from her knees up along her inner thighs. She couldn’t help but softly giggle as the beginnings of a beard that we’re taking form on his beautiful face grazed the sensitive skin of her legs.

“Is this funny?” he said, looking up at her with a dead pan expression, feigning annoyance. 

Juliana schooled her face to mimic his expression. “No sir,” she said demurely. 

“Good.”

She could be domineering at times and when he demanded it, knew just how to be submissive. Every time she seemed to know. The perfect female, he mused.

He drug his tongue up to his destination, nuzzling his nose inside her damp folds, covering his face in her essence while he set to work at her sensitive bud, which was so ready for him it was on a hair trigger. Her legs quivered as he nipped, licked, and lapped of her juices, circling her bundle of nerves. She  shuddered and blindingly spasmed, offering  her gratitude in continuous moans of ecstasy as she felt her release under his skilled tongue. 

John turned his head to glance at the clock. 12:45 a.m. Thirty-two minutes had passed since he hung up with Helen. Good. They still had some time.

Juliana held her arm out and he took her outstretched hand, settling beside her. Staring at each other on their sides, she pulled his arm between her breasts and snugly held it there while her other hand stroked his face. He smiled under her touch, gently kissing her lips once.  
  
“John, I’ve never been so happy and so  _unhappy,_ at the same time.”

He carefully laced each of his fingers through hers and closed his eyes as he pressed them into his lips. 

“I know.”

They both understood each other in that moment.

_Perfectly_.

She guided him to lay on her chest, stroking his hair and face.

“I never expected this to happen,  any of this. I tried like hell to deny it, told myself no good would come of it, for you or me, but in the end, it was unavoidable,” he sighed. “I would love you in any lifetime, Juliana.”

He lowered his head to kiss her nipple, brushing it against his cheek several times then laying his head down to rest on it. She held him against her as firmly as she could, imprinting the feel of him on her skin.

“Too irresistible,” he whispered.

She played with ear affectionately. 

Hold me. Touch me. Heal me . Mend all of my broken pieces. Only you can do it- he wanted to scream. But he didn’t. He’d already exposed too many vulnerabilities tonight. 

“You came into headquarters when Erich was questioning me,” she began, “and I knew it would be life changing. Obviously I was terrified to come here. I loathed any and all Nazi’s. I wanted to hate you. I loathed myself for even being attracted to you in the least. But I just couldn’t do it. There was something so mysterious about your eyes, I saw sadness underneath all the tyrannical exhibition you were putting on. I felt like I’d known you from a dream, another reality perhaps. I couldn’t put my finger on it.”

His pulse quickened. There was no possible way she could know about Fatima. Joe wouldn’t know, and even on the off-chance Himmler had told him, he wouldn’t have revealed it to Juliana. His re-education would’ve effectively quelled that.

She ran her fingers through his hair. “Then I saw how wonderful you were with your kids, how caring and loving. You were so complex. I began questioning...contemplating, then...”

“Then? Pray continue darling.”

She softly smiled.  


“Then that was replaced with daydreaming... _lusting,_ ” she said, her face set in an adoring pose.

He reached down and felt between her thighs, plunging a finger into her warm pool. “I knew you’d be wet again for me—my insatiable girl.”

He wasn’t going to leave her wanting anything. He would fill her up so much there would be nothing left for Joe. He would make sure of it.

Fully aware of his competitive nature, he clenched his teeth, attempting to curb his brewing possessiveness. He knew his endeavor would be ineffectual though. 

He pulled his finger out and licked it, then positioned himself over her and aligned his erect member with her entrance. 

She spread her legs wider for him and he braced himself, slowly sliding into her clenching channel.

As John began to slowly slide in and out of her, Juliana clamped her legs around his back. He kissed her and took both of her hands into one of his, grasping them tightly over their heads while he thrusted. He fantasized about tying her dainty wrists up and blindfolding her. The image spurred him to give a particularly harsh shove of his hips and she shrieked, the motion hitting a spot that’s both slightly painful but undeniably pleasurable for her.

“Mmmm, you— _only you,”_  she whimpers, driving them both into blinding ecstasy as they climax together and he fills her with his seed. 

He kissed the salty sweat from her throat as he took in the satisfied expression on her pretty face. John was proud he knew exactly how to please her.  


“Juliana ...” he manages as he slips out of her, feeling instantly cold and wanting to stay inside her forever. “I have to go sweetheart. Where’s Erich’s key?”

She nods, her head still light from the powerful release.

He walked over and draped her dress and undergarments carefully on the vanity chair, giving the appearance that they were thoughtfully removed.   


Juliana straightened the decorative pillows and rumpled comforter on the bed, then opened the nightstand drawer to remove the key and hand it to him. He had already redressed and was donning his hat and coat once again.    


“I love you,” he whispers into her ear before leaving, “my angel.”

She exhales deeply and closes her eyes, quickly kissing his mouth. “I love you too, handsome.”

Once the door was shut she relocked it and headed for the shower, unsure where the night would lead her and knowing her body smelled of John and their sex.

 

                          ********   
  


John walked briskly down the hall, feeling sated and in love. Every minute he spent with her was paradise, even when colored with sadness. He would never understand how or why he’d gotten so lucky to love and be loved by this woman.

He smiled as he began to round the corner and found himself brushing directly into none other than Joe Blake. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to do it, I’m sorry! It was just too easy for them...
> 
> Thanks for reading and for the positive feedback, love love love it!!! 🥰


	31. Soul Purging

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One. Day. To. Go. Yessss!!! I daresay we’ve been a patient group haven’t we?! I’m anxious, excited, and sad for the final season to drop, it’s bittersweet.😢
> 
> This chapter has some nice lovely heat, but also drama. Emotional housekeeping has been long overdue for this pair so I wanted to acknowledge that. I wove bits of canon through here, reflecting the things I felt were fundamental in shaping John and Juliana’s story. As always, thanks for reading, hopefully enjoying, and commenting-I truly adore it...it’s writers fuel;) 🥰

* * *

“Joe!”  _Fuck._

 _“_ Reichsmarschall,” Joe said, visibly surprised, “I would’ve thought you’d be well on your way to Long Island by now.”

Despite his mutual shock, John worked adeptly under pressure so he managed to maintain a nonchalant pose as his mind sought to quickly weave a plausible story together. His primary challenge would be to avoid fabricating a lie which Juliana couldn’t duplicate. 

He kept his hands in his pockets, causally. “Me too,” he said with a friendly grin, “Juliana and I both managed to get wrangled into a few stale conversations at the reception.”

“Ah,” Joe nodded, his curiosity still piqued. 

John knew it wasn’t sufficient. His being in the building required further explanation. He’d be as vague as possible and not offer anything unnecessary. 

“I thought it best to walk her up, make sure she got into the apartment safely. I needed to use the restroom. By the way, nice place you have.”

“Thank you. It’s certainly an upgrade from my previous experience,” he said with mild amusement. “I appreciate you looking after her, both tonight and when you took her in a few months ago.”

John ignored a strong desire to issue a stern warning that Joe should take better care of her.

He settled with, “You’re welcome Joe. If one of my girls were ever to be in a situation similar to hers, I would appreciate someone helping them out. She didn’t have anywhere to turn, seemed like the right thing to do,” he stroked his chin a few times, eager to be done with the encounter. “Thank you as well, for taking Helen and the girls home.”

“You have a great family, it was my pleasure.”

“Thank you.” He shook his hand. “I’ll see you when you get back from your trip. Be safe.”

“Yes sir, thank you,” Joe said, his words trailing in a similar way as his eyes on the figure that had vanished as quickly as it had appeared. 

Joe’s gaze remained fixed a moment on the closed elevator, watching the numbers above the doors descend down from the tenth floor down to the third. He wondered why John hadn’t mentioned staying over at Erich’s. When Helen had gotten off the phone with him she’d told him about John’s overnight stay. He shook his head, reaching for his keys as he approached the apartment door.

 

*****

 

Once John stepped inside the apartment and closed the door behind him, he exhaled in relief. Thankfully Joe didn’t appear overly skeptical.

What a strange paradox this was, he contemplated, bewildered. He had always enjoyed the upper hand in the relationship with Joe and had in fact wielded Juliana, a stranger to him at the time, as an emotional weapon to manipulate Joe.

The stark realization that somehow the tables had been turned he found to be both irksome and distressing. John was becoming increasingly annoyed at the seemingly endless obstacles keeping him from Juliana and he didn’t trust Joe as far as he could throw him. 

His mind told him to head home, to avoid fanning the flames any further.

His quickened pulse and thrumming heartbeat at the prospect of more time with Juliana compelled him to stay.

John wasn’t entirely sure when his judicious, premeditated conduct had completely given way to his emotional and sexual instincts, but he truthfully didn’t care to grant it much reflection. He hadn’t been this happy in so long, perhaps never in his adult life, he surmised. With the exception of his girls, everyone and everything but Juliana seemed to have faded away into nothingness, a reality that he could neither dispute nor fully accept.

Nonetheless, he was powerless against it.

 

*******

 

“Juliana, I’m home,” she heard Joe say as she turned the shower off.

Her breath caught, realizing how narrow John’s escape had been. He had walked into the bathroom and was leaning against the counter.

 _“_ Hey. Glad you’re back. Everything go well with the Smiths?” she asked, emerging from the shower with her towel wrapped tightly around her.

He walked over to her, loosening his tie. “Fine, fine. Matter of fact I just bumped into John in the hallway,” he said, lowering his head to kiss her damp cheek. 

Mind racing, she knew every second she delayed would work against her.

This was critical. 

“Oh yeah?” she said, her voice sounding less indifferent and a bit more anxious than she had wanted. 

“Yeah, seemed in a hurry.”

“Well it’s been a long day, I know I’m exhausted.”

Joe’s face was always an enigma to her. Had he already caught her in a lie or was he waiting for her to hang herself? Or perhaps he wasn’t on their trail at all? Much as she tried, she had no read on him. John, conversely, she managed to read very well. She wondered if the same could be said for everyone who encountered the Reischmarshall. She imagined it wasn’t.

He caught her from behind and pulled her close for a tight embrace. “You did a great job tonight.”

“Thank you,” she said, smiling.

“Helen wants to have us over for Winter Solstice this Friday. Said she felt bad that we didn’t really have a proper wedding or reception, so she wants to celebrate that as well. I think Erich and Lucy will be there also, maybe a few others.”

“Oh, that’s kind of her, that will be nice,” she managed.

Tonight’s reception had been trying enough, she wasn’t entirely sure she could stand another evening with that group. And at the Smith’s house it would be a much more intimate setting than the assembly hall. 

He grabbed her nightgown off the counter. His raised eyebrow and boyish grin suggested that he wanted to help her into it. Juliana didn’t want to do anything to encourage his lust, however she was finding it increasingly difficult as he tugged her towel free and gazed upon her nude form a moment before slipping the cotton nightgown over her head.

Did she have any marks on her neck? Her thighs? She tried her best to quell her mild panic. John’s mouth had had a mind of its own, lavishing any bare skin it had encountered with kisses, licks, and love bites. 

The idea of sleeping with Joe tonight after John had just pleasured her not even thirty minutes before seemed more than a little revolting. 

“I’ll be right out,” he said, kissing her on the lips this time. She knew that look. No mistaking it.

The creak of the shower knob broke her thoughts. The urge to phone Erich’s apartment was strong, but what if Joe wasn’t actually in the shower and had his ear to the door? What if he walked out quicker than she could hang up? But she needed to find out what he and Joe talked about.

It wasn’t worth it, she concluded. The risk of getting caught was too high. She’d just have to hope she said the right things. 

After closing the heavy curtains, she turned the sheets down and crawled into bed, facing the wall on her side. Maybe he’d realize she was tired and wouldn’t pursue intimacies. 

As much as it pained her to not be with John, ever since her reunion with Joe she had been forcing herself to afford their relationship a fighting chance. Maybe their affection would grow into love and he would be a good a husband to her and a good father to her child.

However for reasons she couldn’t wholly discern, the same doubts which she had always harbored since her first meeting with Joe _still_ continued to gnaw at her. And in some ways had strengthened. 

Joe never really wanted to talk about work, nor about what happened in Berlin, about his father, and certainly never about the covert operations he’d been conducting for Himmler. Those conversations always appeared to be the most disconcerting for him and he almost immediately changed the subject. 

“Hey sleepyhead, are you out already?” he asked, slipping under the sheets. He moved in to spoon her, she could feel his hardness prod against her backside and quickly deduced that he was most definitely naked. “I was hoping to go to sleep with a smile on my face,” he continued, reaching his arm over her shoulder to fondle her breasts. He groaned as he squeezed them harder, tweaking a nipple and grinding himself against her more insistently. 

“It’s really been a long day, I’m sorry but I’m just spent.” She gave it her best attempt, but experience told her he wouldn’t be satisfied with that answer. 

He tugged her shoulder to pull her onto her back and began kissing her, more fiercely than he ever had before. She wondered if he suspected anything between she and John. “I’m sure I can convince you otherwise,” he muttered, shifting her nightgown off and lowering his mouth to her breasts to suckle them until he was satisfied with their pertness. 

“Joe really...I just have a headache and mm...my stomach is a bit upset,” she stammered. And she wasn’t lying. Her gut twisted with guilt and angst with every grope and suck. Above it all, she didn’t know why she could still feel herself becoming wet. She didn’t want him. His touch wasn’t the one she wanted so why the arousal? No feelings were attached to the experience. Perhaps she still held a candle of hope that the former Joe she knew would return, somehow, and rejoin the fragments that she had been clinging to. That was the Joe she needed if she stood any chance of ever driving John out of her heart. As if that were possible anyhow. 

Surrendering to the uphill battle, she reached a hand down to his manhood and was able to bring him to his pleasure in a matter of minutes with her hand’s firm strokes. When he had pawed at her panties and started to slip a finger inside, attempting to reciprocate, she was thankfully able to dismiss him easily with an, “It’s ok.”

Minutes later, his breathing deepened and Juliana realized he’d fallen asleep. What she wouldn’t give for it to be John beside her? Certainly she’d be in his arms right now, wrapped snugly in their warmth, enveloped by his love in every sense of the word.

She let out a melancholy sigh as she rolled over to face Joe. What was going on in that mind? What exactly had they done to him in Berlin? Maybe if she knew details, she would be able to sympathize with him and know what he was going through...perhaps help him to heal. John would know. She would ask him about it and maybe get some answers as to why her husband appeared to be the shell of his once former self, although after being immersed in the GNR for six months now, she had a fairly good idea.  

As she lay there, watching the rise and fall of his chest which aligned itself into a rhythm with his breathing pattern, she realized that she had somehow gotten herself involved with two men who were on two vastly different life journeys.

John, who had initially been nauseatingly zealous in his loyalty to the Reich, had taken a sudden turn against it and had become more in touch with himself, revealing his emotions and tenderness to her and deepening their connection with every interaction.

Joe, on the other hand, who she’d had an almost instant connection with in the Neutral Zone, who had risked so much for her, comforted and counseled her after she’d killed the man on the bridge,  _that_ Joe now seemed so, so far away. The twinkle his eyes once held had hardened into blankless expressions that she could neither read nor find love in. 

  
  
******

 

John slept more soundly than he’d predicted, given the circumstances. The sleep deprivation from the previous night, combined with an exhausting day, had lured him into a coma-like slumber.

The first few rays of the morning revealed themselves, slivering through the partially opened curtains. He blinked lazily and rearranged the pillow between his legs, his first coherent thought immediately landing on Juliana and what she might be doing at that very moment. 

Thoughts of last night swirled around aimlessly, none taking a firm shape, just a montage of random exchanges running though his mind. All of them involving her in some way. 

Had he been too rough with his thrusting? He vaguely recalled a muffled scream from her in one instance, although the erotic sounds that filled the air had told him she was thoroughly enjoying it. But what if he’d hurt the baby in some way? He chastised himself for his carelessness and promised he would exercise more caution. He would never forgive himself if the baby were harmed. He had the restraint of twenty men with most aspects of his life, but with her...Lord knows he had never garnered very much resistance, and what little did exist was evaporating more each day.

Before he knew it he was hard. He had slept nude, a habit which he had reacquainted himself with whenever he’d slept overnight with Juliana, or in this case, the prospect of bedding her this morning. 

As if she’d read his mind, a soft knock thudded on the door. He sat up and tossed his legs over the side of the bed, plucking his underwear off of the floor and pulling them on before approaching the door. A quick glance through the peephole revealed her pretty face. 

Unlocking and unlatching, he hastily opened the door and ushered her in. 

Discovering John clad only in his underwear, she grinned earnestly as he drew her into his arms, pulling her directly against his arousal, into his warmth. She ran both of her hands up his arms, savoring his muscular torso and biceps.

He was virility,  _defined_. Every inch of his toned, capable body which held her so assuredly. How could any woman refuse him, she wondered. Juliana was well aware of the way the Nazi housewives panted over him. She basked in the delight of this knowledge, for she knew that none of them had turned his eye. Oh the things he had whispered to her in the dead of night! Such a beautiful combination of elicit and tender. Things no man had uttered to her before and she suspected no other man would.  

“Good morning,” she said, softly.

“It is now,” he growled, lifting her up. She wrapped her legs around his waist and he briskly walked them back into the bedroom, setting her gently onto the bed. Juliana’s peals of laughter echoed throughout the apartment. He stood straddled over her, staring at her with those earthy eyes as if he would grant her any wish she desired. She ran her fingers down his sinewy chest, a naughty grin tugging at the corners of her mouth. 

“God you make me feel so good,” he said blithely, smoothing her hair back and kissing her forehead. 

“I couldn't get here fast enough,” she murmured.

He was lightly feathering kisses over her neck now, which she had bared for him. 

Several fleeting thoughts wafted through John’s mind. Did she and Joe have sex last night? How long ago had he left? Should he expect an unwelcomed knock at the door?

His worried facial expressions revealed themselves to her.

Gently turning his chin towards her to force his gaze, she kissed the bridge of his nose. “Nothing happened last night with him.”

In her mind, it truly wasn’t a lie, for she hadn’t enjoyed the encounter, hadn’t found her release, and counted the seconds until it had been over. There would be nothing to gain from hurting him by divulging the details of their pathetic excuse for a sexual experience. She had already forgotten it—or wanted to, at any rate. 

“I didn’t ask.”

“You didn’t need to.”

“He’s your husband now,” he paused a second before continuing, hating his words but realizing they were necessary. “You don’t owe me an explanation about what transpires in your bed,” he sighed, “and any issues I have about it...well...that’s for me to deal with. It shouldn’t concern you.”

“Anything that bothers you, bothers me, John. We’re in this together.”

She lifted her head to kiss him lightly.

“Tell me what you want,” she said, her words heavy with desire.

“I want your naked body on mine.”

She smiled, running her hands down the trail of dark hair on his tight stomach which narrowed and led to his nether regions. Her fingers began toying at the waistband of his drawers, drifting them around to the back and reaching down to give his tight buttocks a squeeze. Next she ran her fingers up and down his shaft through the fabric before retreating further north to his chest once again, biting her lip. 

“Tease,” John laughed.

She cocked an eyebrow and licked her lips. “Me?” she retorted with feigned disbelief. 

He nodded. “Yes, you,” he whispered, shimmying up her soft cotton dress and tossing it aside. He was more than a little shocked to learn that she hadn’t worn a bra. She must be as needy for him as he was for her. Feeling pleased with himself he cupped her breasts for a moment, tenderly lifting and kneading them. Haste was necessary last night. Today, he would savor her. 

“Two can play that,” he said with a wicked smile. 

He stood up and quickly pulled down his underwear, his erection catching on the fabric in the process and springing in a way that made Juliana stifle a small laugh. He proceeded to pull her to the edge of the bed while he knelt on the floor. Gazing up at her with his mouth twisted off to one side, he kissed up the inside of her thighs, alternating from one to the other, until landing on her panties. He tugged each side down with his teeth and pulled them off, growling as he smelled her scent, which he was well acquainted with. It was an immediate aphrodisiac. 

John swiped his tongue through her damp folds from bottom to top with the flat of his tongue, several times. He’d memorized her anatomy, so he easily located her sensitive bud and began sucking and swirling around so perfectly it almost took her within seconds. He stopped abruptly and licked his lips with a smile. She moaned in frustration and tossed her head back. 

He chuckled softly to himself, knowing full well that she wanted to finish. He pulled his mouth out of her sex and began planting kisses up to her abdomen. Resting on the raised mound of soft flesh, he whispered, “I love you,” to her navel.   
  
He traveled up towards her breasts, leaving a wake of overstimulation to every inch his lips grazed. Her nipples were already hardened for him. He drew each one into his mouth and suckled a moment, she whimpered at the feel of his hot lips on the delicate skin of her chest. He positioned his shaft over her and prodded his hard flesh between her legs, just barely inside her passageway, coating himself with her wetness as he continued kissing her neck. Several wanton moans escaped her lips and he found his craving for her tight warmth too great. Very gently he began pushing deeper into her abyss, thrusting slowly. 

After a minute or so, he felt her muscles tense and tighten around him and her fingers fiercely dug into his back. “Harder John, please!” she urged, frustrated.

He attempted to oblige her but she knew he was still holding back. He was more than capable of being forceful.

She held his face and tried her best to discern what was going through that gorgeous mind of his.

“John.” She was getting annoyed. 

He slowed himself to a halt and met her eyes.

“I won’t break.”

Lightly nodding, he resumed his thrusting but with slightly more strength and momentum and asked her, “Is that better?”

“Yes,” Juliana panted.

Moments later their fevered bodies tightened and spasmed with a surge of sexual electricity, then stilled.

Buried in her warmth, he rolled over and effortlessly pulled her atop him. 

“I’ve missed this so much,” she said softly, her head against his strong chest, coursing her fingers through the curly hairs while she listened to his heart pounding. 

He tenderly stroked the sides of her soft breasts which were pillowed out on him. “This feels so right,” he said softly.   
  
She lifted her head up to look at him. “Why so gentle?”

His eyes roamed about her face and he tucked her hair behind her ears. “I felt guilty being too forceful last night,” he paused, “I just don’t want to hurt the baby.”

Helen had adamantly refused relations with him after learning of her pregnancies, under the assumption that it could lead to miscarriage. John had long suspected her beliefs were unfounded, but her mother had impressed that mindset upon her and there was no changing it. 

She bent down and pressed her lips against his chest. “I’m sure it’s fine, handsome. I’ve never heard or read anything about that.”

He nodded in agreement. “Have you gone to an obstetrical doctor yet?”

“No, not yet.” 

“You need to darling. They will measure the baby, tell you your due date, make sure your health is good. Maybe give you vitamins to help the baby grow properly.”

It was obvious he was well versed in the undertakings that accompanied pregnancy, which served to equally upset and comfort her. The thought of him lavishing attention on Helen and perhaps adoring her swollen belly the same way during her pregnancies was something she didn’t want to think about. But she didn’t really have anyone to talk to. Lucy had never been pregnant and she didn’t truly trust the girls at the diner enough to enlist their advice. John was perhaps as best a mentor as she would find. 

“Besides, it will raise suspicions if you procrastinate too long,” he continued. “How far along do you suspect you are?”

She let out an anxious sigh and moved herself to the bed beside him, pulling the sheets up to her shoulders, distancing herself from his questions. “I’m guessing about four months.”

He turned over on his side to face her, caressing her stomach once again. “What’s wrong Juliana? Are you unhappy about the baby?”

The tender lilt of John’s questions evoked a strong emotional response from her and she found that her eyes had quickly filled with tears. She wanted to tell him that Joe had never once stroked her stomach the way he did. He never asked how she was feeling. Feelings that she’d effectively quelled could no longer be ignored. 

“Joe doesn’t seem to really care about the baby. He’s so indifferent. About everything.” She wiped the tears which were rolling down her face. “Something is so different about him. I keep second-guessing myself, thinking that maybe I never really knew him to begin with. After all, we really only knew each other for a short period of time.”

He brushed her tears away and closed his eyes a moment before speaking. The concept of any man not lavishing her with all of the attention and affection which she was so worthy of was a foreign concept to him, fueling an even stronger distaste for Joe Blake. 

“I don’t know many details, but in the last few weeks I’ve done some researching and from what I’ve ascertained, the re-education program he went through in Berlin was intense, to say the least. It’s nothing you ever want to go through.” He lightly stroked his fingers down her arm. “He’s been through a lot. Just give him some time, I’m sure he’ll come around.”   
  
John’s words were meant to instill confidence but truthfully he was worried that no amount of time would repair Joe’s psychological damage. Why couldn’t she have married a simple, uncomplicated man who would love her and cherish her? Ever since Joe’s return from Germany John could see he was a changed man. 

“I don’t want to frighten you, but I have to warn you that you mustn’t breathe even the slightest hint of disloyalty to the Reich or speak positively of resistance movements in any way. That won’t bode well. Whatever inclinations he shared with you in the Colorado and San Francisco, any sympathies or beliefs regarding the resistance, those are now nonexistent. 

She nodded and took a deep breath, processing his advice.

He could tell something was still troubling her.

“That’s not all, is it?”

She shook her head and he saw tears slipping down her face again. She reached for her dress off of the nightstand and quickly slipped it back on.

“I’m scared about them taking our baby John. What if they do some kind of genetic testing and determine that it’s not Joe’s or figure out that it’s yours? They’ll probably test to see if the baby inherited the same disease as your brother and Thomas?” She blurted it all out, as if it had been just sitting on the tip of her tongue, aching for its release. 

“Juliana, don’t you remember what you said to Thomas in the hall of your apartment? ‘We all have flaws, all of us, that’s what makes us who we are.’

John had never told her about that moment before. After dismissing the young officer who had alerted him to the footage, he watched it again, several times, with a near-obsessiveness. That, in fact, was one of the main reasons he had trusted Juliana enough to allow her into his home. The kindness and authenticity she’d shown Thomas had so touched his heart in a way that he’d never forget.   


She shook her head, still feeling defeated, “I remember. What the hell does it matter what I think? The Reich still cares about flaws.”

She started to walk away when he caught her arm. Almost violently, he spun her to face him, and she was reminded that despite how gentle he often was with her, he was just as capable of overpowering her.

“Juliana. You’re the one who’s kept me going. You’re the one who helped me remember who I was, before all of this hell.” He pulled on one of Erich’s robes that was beside the bed. 

She threw herself against him, sobbing into his shoulder.

“You’re the strongest person I know, Juliana.”

He pulled both of them to sit down on the bed and gently drew her face to his. “I don’t think I told you what you did by killing George Dixon. So many things were happening that day, I was in a fog. The same day that you killed him and were taken in at headquarters, I met with Chief Inspector Kido. He gave me a film that showed Japan testing a hydrogen bomb. I immediately went to Berlin, against orders, to present Himmler with the film, as well as evidence to incriminate Joe’s father, Martin Heusmann, for a major conspiracy, which included the murder of Hitler.”

Juliana stared him, wide-eyed. “Did Kido tell you how he got that film? Who gave it to him?”

“No. There wasn’t time for it. Heusmann was ready to start WWIII, his finger nearly on the trigger, when Himmler arrested him. And Joe as well. That’s when he was forced into the re-education program.”

“If I hadn’t killed Dixon, he would’ve leaked the information about Thomas and you would’ve been immediately arrested.” She paused several seconds, then found his comforting green eyes. “You wouldn’t have gone to Berlin and the Nazi’s would’ve started a war,” she whispered, voice shaking. 

“Yes, my love. Do you realize the enormity of what you did? And all out of your kindness.”

He closed his eyes and leaned in to graze her cheek with the softest kiss. “You and I, our relationship—this was all meant to be. We...were meant to be. So don’t you worry at all about our baby, we’re both intelligent, resourceful people. I won’t let anything happen. Do you believe me?”

Tears streamed steadily down both of her cheeks. She meekly nodded, overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of his disclosures. His own eyes were becoming misty now as the intensity of the conversation wrecked him. 

“So the Japanese have the hydrogen bomb?” she questioned, trying to make sense of it all.

“No. Kido confirmed that. I had asked him if high castle had made it and he didn’t seem to know.”

Her eyebrows were knit in confusion. 

“The footage was too sophisticated to be a fake.”

He could see her wheels were spinning.

“I wonder if Tagomi had anything to do with it,” she quietly muttered to herself.

“The Trade Minister?”

“Yes.”

“You know him?”

“I worked with him, very briefly before I came here. He was very kind to me. Such a gentle man, peaceful,” she said, her voice soft. “It was a risky move for him to associate with me because my sister was known to be in the resistance.”

“Why do you think he did it then?”

“I don’t really know. He said that I had a purpose. I remember his words like they were yesterday, ‘We must all have faith in something Miss Crain. We cannot see ahead alone.’ ”

Letting out a remorseful sigh, she closed her eyes. “I hate the way I left him. I didn’t even tell him goodbye, after all of the kindness he’d shown me.” Her eyes drifted across the room, seemingly transfixed on the dresser but her thoughts were heavy with regret. “He gave me the address of the mass grave where Trudy’s body had been dumped. I needed the finality in order to move on. A few times, I thought for sure I’d seen her in town, convincing myself that maybe somehow she wasn’t dead. Then Tagomi told me, very humbly, that the Japanese authorities confirmed her death.”

John lightly rubbed her back as she spoke, feeling as if his words would be inadequate. He simply sat there, comforting her with his tender touches, letting her soul purge what it needed without interruption. 

After a minute of quiet sobbing, she leaned back and buried herself in his chest, speaking about the experience for the first time. “It was so awful John. So horrible. Undignified and cruel. Trudy had her whole life ahead of her and she was robbed of it. I’m so tired of senseless murder. Inspector Kido had Frank’s sister, niece and nephew killed because of his association with me, the sister of a resistance member, when I went to Colorado.” He pulled her tighter to him when her unsteadiness had morphed into shaking.

He felt a lump form in his throat and his stomach began churning at the thought of all the senseless murders _he’d_ commissioned. John was certain she would hate him for it, would never look at him the same again if she knew. No, he’d be added to the list of men such as Kido who were associated with abominable deeds. As he should be, there was no doubt in his mind. 

“Do you think it will ever end, John? All of this evil and tyranny?”

He smoothed her hair and gently rocked her, not quite sure how to respond but wanting to give her the answer she hoped for.   
  
“I wish I could confidently say yes, but I honestly don’t know.” Now was as good a time as any to tell her about Fatima. “I need to tell you something, an experiment that Dr. Mengele is conducting.”

“Dr. Mengele? Isn’t he that heinous doctor that spearheaded all of those ghastly projects during the War?”

John nodded, surprised that her upbringing in the Pacific States had been so informative. 

“Himmler wanted me to see a special project they’ve been working on. I was shown a test subject, a woman who they claim had learned to traverse the astral plane and visit parallel worlds.” He took a deep breath, holding his forehead. “From what I understand, they are in the process of building a quantum portal device in the Pocono mountains that will mimic the same experience. Himmler wants to travel to these parallel worlds.”

“Why?”

“That part I’m unsure of. In the near future I’ll be visiting the work site in Pennsylvania where they will be beginning to run test trials. I’m sure I’ll get more information at that time.”

“Why there?”

“I’m told there is some kind of physical anomaly there that will coincide with their efforts.”

“So this girl, she was from another world?”

“Yes, that’s my understanding. Mengele said she was a film courier who they refer to as a ‘traveler’. In our world, she had a fatal reaction during clinical research on abnormal skin pigmentation. Different versions of us exist in other worlds. Across the multiverse.”

“I-I don’t quite understand.”

He knew she was just as blown away as he’d been, still was. 

“Mengele kept meticulous records and told me that this girl had the same exact fingerprints as the individual who had died in our world. She somehow learned how to traverse the astral plane. It’s all very overwhelming. I still don’t really understand how to works.”   
  
Juliana stood up and started pacing the room. He’d feared he’d said too much. Her mind was already beset with more than she could handle  prior to this, he was concerned it would have devastating effects. 

He came up behind her, encircling her arms around her, clasping his hands together and  gently resting them on her stomach. 

“I realize this is a tremendous concept to process,” he said, his voice kind and almost fatherly in her ear.

Then he turned her around to face him. “I’m going to spend the whole day with you, and I want us to do something fun. We can talk more about Mengele and parallel worlds later. Today, let’s enjoy each other.”

She offered him a soft smile and nodded. 

“I’m going to see what I can pull together for breakfast. You’re eating for two you know,” he said with a wink. And then,” he said, twining his fingers through hers, "then you and I are going to build a snowman and make snow angels. I know the perfect spot.”

She pulled him in for a soft kiss that lingered a few moments. “There’s nothing I would love more, thank you John.”

The world was becoming scarier every minute, every day. Everything was terrifying. Everything was tragic. But she allowed herself to indulge in the comfort of his strength. The love that shone so fiercely in his eyes took her breath away and she melted in his arms, wanting to forget everything else...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Juliana’s pregnancy is going to speed up a bit in the next few chapters, so stay tuned. Lots more drama and romance to come! Xoxo


	32. December 11, 1945

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Juliana enjoy some well deserved levity in their relationship;) Aside from playful moments, John does some reminiscing in his relationship with Helen and forces himself to confront Juliana with a question that has plagued him for awhile now.

“Where are you taking me?” Juliana asked, her excitement building.

“You’ll see,” he grinned, glancing over at her across the car seat. “I have to make a quick stop first.”

Moments later, John pulled into a parking space in front of a woman’s clothing boutique. “I won’t be long.”

“Okay,” she answered before he shut the car door.

What was he up to? She’d walked by this shop once before and glimpsed through the windows, but it looked too expensive for her meager budget so she hadn’t bothered to go in. Peering down at the small picnic basket she’d assembled for their trip, she smiled to herself. Fortunately John and Erich were roughly the same size in clothing so he was able to easily locate suitable attire for an outdoor adventure.

They had so few opportunities like this where they could adventure out together, and whenever they did she simply adored it. And he did too, she knew. It was in these times that they were able to reaffirm the immensity of their mutual feelings for each other, beyond just the physical.    
  
John emerged from the store after about ten minutes, carrying two elegant gift wrapped boxes, one large and one small. The adoring grin he was wearing made her heart race.  
  
“For you, my darling,” he said with a wink that made her stomach flutter, handing her the bundles. 

“John you didn’t need to buy me anything,” she said, slightly blushing.

“I wanted to.”

“Should I open them now?”

“Why don’t you wait till we get to the park?” he answered, anxious to get out of the city limits and into a more isolated setting.

“Park?”

“Inwood Hill. It’s an intimate little place, not many people know of it. Even fewer will be there this time of year I imagine.”

They drove silently for most of the trip, neither feeling the necessity to make idle conversation, simply relishing the quiet repose and comfort of each other’s company.

John drove with his left hand on the wheel, while the right was tucked snugly over Juliana. He bent to kiss the top of her head which was resting against his shoulder. He liked her head on his shoulder, it felt like the most natural place for it to be.

The countryside was covered in a glorious snow blanket. John’s gaze drifted off to the side of the road to take in the scenic panorama. 

For some reason his mind fled to his first date with Helen. It was the summer of 1943 and the war was well underway. She had been the sister of one of his good army buddies. John hadn’t really dated anyone exclusively since he and his high school sweetheart Ava had mutually parted ways, but at twenty-five he’d resigned himself to the notion of dating again.

Like most brothers, Hank was protective of Helen. But he knew John was a good guy and would treat her well. ‘The best compadre a fella could hope to have,’ he’d remembered him saying as he slung his arm over John’s shoulder, his breath heavy with scotch when they were hanging out with some friends in a bar one time. 

 _Strawberry blonde._ She had the prettiest, strawberry blonde hair, he had thought when she’d opened the front door to greet him for their date. It was essentially a blind date. Hank had briefly shown him a picture which he’d plucked out of his wallet, looking several years old and decently weathered. 

The date had gone surprisingly well, and he remembered entertaining the idea of taking her out a second time before his furlough ended. She was a fun-loving farm girl and she seemed to hang on his every word, asking all sorts of questions about his army experiences. Begging him to tell her every detail. His life seemed much more adventurous than her small town country life, to be sure.

He’d liked the attention. Ava Billings hadn’t ever seemed as interested in his stories as Helen did. Theirs had been an immature love, which in hindsight could barely be described as little more than intense infatuation. Their romance couldn’t really survive after high school. They’d both realized they were two different people and that the best they’d ever have, had already been had. 

For their second date, he took Helen to see “Gone with the Wind” at the local theater. It was all anyone was talking about and she had been dying to see it, like the rest of America. After the intermission, he’d decided he would slip his arm through hers and close the gap between them.

It had been awhile since he’d been with a girl, well, properly anyway, and he was more than ready. There had been a few times he’d indulged some of his carnal pleasures with a cigarette girl or two, but even that had been several months ago. Knowing he shouldn’t move too fast because it was Hank’s sister, he’d settled with the hope of getting to first, possibly second base if things were going well.

They’d gone for ice cream after and discussed the tragedy the southern Americans endured as their way of life had been completely annihilated in a flash when they’d lost the Civil War. Little did they both know that a similar calamity would afflict the two of them in the not too distant future. It seemed like an impossibility that would never befall the United States that they grew up in. 

John remembered waving goodbye to her from his car as she walked to her front door. She had let him kiss her good night in the front entry minutes before. She had let him make out with her in his car before he drove her home. She had let him feel her breasts when his fingers had trailed up from her waist and teased her sides. He wished he could’ve taken her that night, but he knew she wasn’t that kind of girl and he appreciated that she wasn’t that kind of girl. In due time, he knew.

After about a year and a half of writing letters and three or four furloughs, John had proposed to Helen. Everyone he knew was getting married, anxious and fearful as the war progressed and the possibility of U.S. involvement grew. He’d never forget when she looked away from him and started nervously twirling a piece of her hair. It was March of 1945. He knew she was about to tell him that she was pregnant, and he was right. They’d taken precautions every time but one night he’d forgotten to buy more prophylactics  and he’d been too lustful to restrain himself. Most likely he’d have married her anyhow, he reasoned, even if she hadn’t become pregnant. They got along well, she was witty and charming, a great cook, and although she wasn’t the most skilled lover, she met his needs well enough. He knew she would be a dutiful wife and mother. Beyond that, he hadn’t given it much thought. Maybe he should have.

They had a small wedding, with only close family and friends, but it was lovely in its own way. Shortly after, he had to leave and was away for most of the pregnancy. Helen’s due date was just after Christmas, which worked out well because he would be home for the holidays.

Then December 11, 1945 happened.

“Everything ok John?” Juliana asked softly, nuzzling his shoulder.

“Hmm? Oh yes,” John said, her words pulling him out of his reminiscing. 

“You’re so quiet. What are you thinking about?”

Damn. He didn’t want to lie, but he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to discuss it with her. Not right now, anyway.   
  
“Nothing worth mentioning,” he said with a small smile. “Well, what do you think of this place?” he asked, hoping she didn’t push him any further about his thoughts as he pulled in to park.

“It’s just beautiful,” she said as her eyes eagerly scanned the park. 

“I thought you’d like it,” he winked, “Go ahead and open your present. This one,” he said, gesturing toward the larger box. 

She picked it up and began carefully unwrapping it. Initially she thought this was the first present he’d ever given her, then she remembered the little black dress that he’d bought before Jennifer’s school dance that she’d yet to wear. He had the same winsome expression on his face right now that he’d had that day. She always thought him insanely attractive, but when he looked at her with those helplessly adoring eyes she knew he was the most handsome man alive. 

Inside the tissue paper she found three pairs of gorgeous gloves. The first was the softest camel colored cashmere she’d ever felt, followed by a more modern and sophisticated black leather, and the last pair were more functional outdoor snow gloves. 

“Oh John these are lovely!” she said, kissing his mouth several times with gratitude.

He pulled one of her hands to up to his pliant lips and caressed it. “With this cold weather, I couldn’t let these soft hands go another day without being covered.” She touched her lips to his cheek and lingered a moment. He resisted his immediate urge to take her right there in the car. “There’s one more thing in the box,” he said softly. 

She grinned and lifted the layers of tissue paper to find three beautiful scarves, each matching their glove counterparts. Juliana pulled the cashmere up to brush it against her cheek.   
  
“I knew you’d like that one,” he smiled.

“I do. I love all of them. Thank you,” she said, gently kissing him. 

“Glad you like them. I know you’re not used to the winters here, my California beauty,” he purred into her ear. “Now let’s put the outdoor gloves on and go make a snow man.”

Juliana happily slipped the gloves on, then tossed the scarf around her neck. “I’m so excited!” she beamed.

He chuckled and tugged the scarf off. “There’s a certain way to wrap a scarf sweetheart, let me help. Lift your hair.”

She gave him a petulant frown which morphed into a giggle as he positioned the scarf around her neck properly, then gently pulled each side to draw her in for a kiss. “There, now you’re a perfect snow bunny,” he said, his voice lilted in satisfaction. She figured by his tone that he liked the wintry fashion statement he’d crafted with her accessories.

They playfully strolled through the park, holding hands and intermittently stopping to exchange a quick peck. As John had predicted, no one was there. It would’ve been plain to anyone watching that they were two lovebirds, completely enamored with each other.

Finally they found the right spot to build a snowman. John started gathering and forming the snow, Juliana searched for stones, sticks, and acorns with which to embellish their creation. In no time at all, they’d constructed an impressive figure and stood back to admire their accomplishment. 

“Well, what do you think of him?” John implored, coming up behind her and clasping his hands over her belly. 

“Perfect. Just perfect. One of my new scarves would suit him well but I’m not about to sacrifice one of those.”

“Good to hear,” he laughed, amused. 

He turned her around and pulled her in for a hug. “Time for a snow angel,” he said. And with that he dropped to the ground on his back and began moving his arms up and down in the snow. 

“Ahh, good job!” she said, laughing at his utter silliness. “I can tell you’ve had practice.”

He sat up and dusted the snow off his coat. “I did more things like this with Thomas, but not as much with the girls. I spent too much time at work I’m afraid.” His voice was tinged with sadness. 

“It’s not too late John. They’re not grown up yet,” she said softly.

“You’re right. I won’t let another winter pass without doing this with them,” he said resolutely, his spirits raising at the prospect. “Now your turn.”

He helped her ease down onto the snowy earth. She began laughing as she quickly worked her limbs about to make her angel. He sat beside her, his face grinning the entire time. A strand of hair had fallen out of her cap and he tucked it back safely, keeping his hand on her face. “You were by far the most beautiful woman in the room last night. In most rooms,” he said with a sober face, then bent to kiss her. She smiled coyly like a lovesick schoolgirl.  “Let’s have a look,” he said, taking her arms to sit her up. 

“I love it, thank you John. This has been the best day, truly.”

“I couldn’t agree more.”

“There’s just one more thing that would make this complete,” she said mischievously. She turned away from him a moment, guarding herself to ensure he wasn’t watching, then stood up and walked a few paces away. 

“What’s that?”

“This!” she said hysterically as she threw a snowball at him, hitting his shoulder with a thud.

“I see you’re a glutton for punishment,” he said with his mouth twisted to the side.

She started running away as he began scooping up snow to form what looked to be a colossal snowball. “You can run but you can’t hide!” he shouted, tauntingly.  

Juliana tucked in to hide herself behind a large tree when she saw him look down to finish his work. Moments later, just as he was about to sneak up and scare her, she jumped out and surprised him by tossing another one at him before taking off again, continuing the spirited snowball fight she’d started.

She felt one tag her leg and giggled as he caught her and spun her around, now laughing quite loudly himself and out of breath. John pinned her up against a tree and lowered his head to kiss her. Hard. She thought she would faint from the rush of adrenaline mixed with the warm, moist heat of his mouth. He ran his hands over her chest, picturing how pert her nipples must be in the coldness. He couldn’t get her naked and in his arms once again fast enough. 

“Thanks for warming me up,” she said weakly after a long minute of his kisses rendered her breathless. 

“Glad to oblige,” he smiled. 

“I’m thinking we should eat in the car. It’s getting a bit colder.”

“My thoughts exactly.”

He scooped her up and walked them back to the car, then immediately turned on the heat as he felt how frigid her nose and cheeks were. They enjoyed a nice picnic lunch in the car, watching the delicate snow flurries descend from the sky while they ate. The snow initially fell very light, then it became heavier and more frequent. 

“We’d better head out, I think the weather report called for a heavy snowfall this afternoon.”

She nodded in agreement and finished packing up the food and cutlery. 

Once they were settled back on the road again, she found herself scooting closer to him on the bench seat, reaching her left hand over to give his thigh a gentle squeeze. 

Even though he’d had Juliana last night and this morning, just the feel of her small hand on his inner thigh awoke his greedy manhood with a vengeance.

“Probably best to keep your hands to yourself Miss Crain, I’m not to be trusted,” he warned.

His tone was light but his face was serious. He knew she got a charge out of him referring to her by her maiden name, the same way as when she called him ‘Mr. Smith’ so he continued to use it on occasion, when he felt compelled.

“I’ll take my chances,” she simpered, her eyes widening as her hand moved up to his crotch to find an already extremely hardened bulge awaiting her. 

He raised his eyebrows and a sly grin crept over his face. 

Before he knew it, she had unzipped his khaki pants, pulled his shaft out, and started stroking her hand over it lightly, admiring its size and warmth. John’s mercedes wasquite literally the only car on the road, much to his chagrin.

“Juli—oh my god...Juliana,” he sputtered, attempting to maintain his bearings as he madly drove with his cock slithering in and out of her mouth. Desperate to take in the view of her feasting on his manhood just below him, he found himself slightly swerve off the road, to which he firmly re-gripped the steering wheel at ten and two, muttering several expletives as she continued to work him into a frenzy. 

He glanced to the rear view mirror and realized they were about to have company as a blue pickup truck quickly approached. “Someone’s coming,” he said with ragged breath.

She popped his member out of her mouth and softly giggled. “Indeed.”

He couldn’t help laughing either as he realized the impeccable timing and humor of his statement. She sat up quickly, putting her coat over his groin to disguise their illicit behavior. 

John kept his eyes fixed straight ahead but Juliana’s glance drifted out of the side window to the young couple who were now beside them. They both offered her a friendly smile, which she reciprocated, fully amused with the notion that neither of them had any clue as to what was going on with she and John. John eased off the throttle to let them gain some distance. Once they were out of sight, they both exchanged glances and burst out laughing.

“What a dirty, dirty little girl,” he growled. She had already resumed her former ministrations, picking up where she’d left off, moaning in a way that drove him absolutely wild. “You’re gonna suck the come right out of me,” he said “you’re so nice and warm.” Her mouth concentrated on his tip with ferocity while her hand slid up and down his length, pumping with determination.

“Take it all the way in...further down your throat. Mmmm...fuck...YES!” he hissed, as she followed his request perfectly.

After a few more moments, he was spurting his seed in her throat, climaxing so hard as the force of it overtook him that he began to veer off the road again. She licked her lips and rose up with a grin to plant a kiss on his mouth.   


Attempting to regain his breath and steady his pulse, he found himself at a loss for words and simply looked over at her in awe. 

“I’ve never done that before,” she said, still smiling and feeling satisfied with herself. 

He reached over and grabbed her thigh, still panting from the intoxication she’d drawn from him. “Could’ve fooled me. That was wonderful.”

“Good,” she smiled.

“I’m going to call Helen and tell her the weather is nasty and I need to stay overnight again. I need to spend the night with you Juliana. It’s been too long,” he said, inching his hand up her thigh and rubbing between her legs.

“Mmm, you can’t touch me,” she moaned, “after having you in my mouth, tasting you, listening to you...I’m about to come as it is.”

His groin flexed again at hearing that. It had started snowing even more but luckily they were only about ten minutes from the apartment. “Ah, well I won’t torture you then, but only because I really must focus on the road, otherwise I’d touch you as much as I’d like,” he said, softly chuckling, “you’re mine, remember?”

She bit her lip and crossed her legs, feeling the heat and moisture building more intensely.

“I remember.”

 

*******  
  


John made two obligatory phone calls once they were back at Erich’s apartment. The first to Helen, who didn’t question his overnight stay in the least given the horrible snowstorm which had beset all of New York City over the course of the last few hours. The second call was to Erich in Cape Cod, where he and Lucy were honeymooning for the next few days. Though he knew it wasn’t necessary, he felt more comfortable telling him that he had stayed over and was planning on staying over another night or two, due to the storm. Erich knew better though, and he was happy for them. He had hung up the phone with a smirk on his face.

While Juliana was showering, he set to work making a romantic dinner for them, consisting of chicken with sautéed peppers and onions, pan fried baby potatoes with herbs, and rice pilaf. He managed to find a few taper candles, most likely leftover from one of Erich’s romantic evenings with Lucy, John surmised, so he lit those and set them on the table feeling pleased with the ambience he’d created. 

When Juliana emerged from the bathroom, she looked around the dining room, stunned at the quick transformation which had taken place. Her gaze met his and the smile she found on his face was priceless.   
  
They were both fairly ravenous having not eaten too much for lunch, so the meal was welcomed nourishment, and quite delicious, reminding Juliana that there wasn’t much John didn’t do very well. Even domestic undertakings. 

“When you were so quiet during the car ride to the park today, what were you honestly thinking about,” she asked, unsure of exactly what had compelled her to bring the subject up.

“Honestly, I was remembering when the Nazis bombed Washington in 1945. Not exactly the most pleasant memories, so I won’t bore you with my ruminations.”

“Why would it bore me? It’s a part of your life I don’t know about so I’d love to hear,” she said, squeezing his arm endearingly. 

After a few minutes of silence, he took a long drink of his whiskey. He had long known this conversation was overdue, and he had planned on bringing it up later that night even if she hadn’t initiated it.   


“Helen was nine months pregnant. I had a few special projects I was working on at the Pentagon so we were going to rent a small house in a little town called Odenton, by Fort Meade, about 30 miles away. I was due at the Pentagon about midday, but I wanted to help Helen get set up at the new place and have dinner with her at least. No sooner had we walked in the door and we saw the bomb drop in the distance.”

Juliana drew his shaking hands to her lips and held them there. Her breathing warmed his hands and steadied his heart.

“Knowing that you’ve so narrowly escaped certain death is such a phenomenal feeling. I would’ve died that day had I been where I supposed to be. Thank God we were far enough away and shielded from most of the fallout effects.”

“John I can’t even imagine how scared you were.”

He nodded. “Not for myself, but for Helen and Thomas.” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I lost so many friends that day, good men, young men with young families. It was just devastating. From that moment on, Helen and I vowed to do whatever was necessary to ensure our survival. Just exactly what that would look like, remained to be seen.” She moved her chair over to sit beside him, pulling his head into her shoulder, running her fingers through his hair. They remained like that for several minutes, then John sat back and faced her, his soulful green eyes intensely latching onto her.

“Juliana I’ve done some appalling, horrid things ever since that day. I was in command of several large extermination camps. Numerous purgings. Things that will haunt me until I die. Completely ghastly. I wasn’t the one pulling the trigger most of the time, so I justified it to myself. I thought, if it isn’t me, they’ll kill me and someone else will just take my place and meanwhile my family will be killed.”

“Why are you telling me all of this?”

He let out a long, afflicted sigh and looked down at his plate. “Because I need you to know. At some point, someone is going to bring up my name in conversation and it won’t be associated with heroism. If the Nazis are ever on the losing side of history, I’ll be branded a villain, a murderer, a coward.” He ran his fingers through his hair and slowly faced her again. “I need to know if you can still love me...if you...forgive me. I don’t want our child to hate me. I couldn’t bear it. I deserve it, but I couldn’t bear it,” he quietly muttered the last sentence. 

What she said next would echo in his soul for months and years to come.

“John,” she said, guiding his face up to hers and softly brushing the back of her fingers across his cheeks. “I already know about most of it. When I look at you, I don’t see that man,” she said with red-rimmed eyes, her voice shaky but resolute. “I see the man before December 11th who loved his family and country. I see the man who opened his home to me, who was still protecting his family and country. The man who tucks his girls in every night, who caresses me with such tenderness and loves me so beautifully. Not a villain.” She held his face and kissed his eyes. “I see the man who I know you can be again. The patriot. The fighter. We all deserve a chance at redemption. When I escaped the resistance the first time and was traveling to the GNR, I got a ride from a man who told me he had been an army medic. He said the road we were traveling on was near a redwood grove not far away from where they’d set up a make-shift hospital for some of the wounded American soldiers. Then he said the Japs came and lined them up, put a bullet in all their heads, women and children too. He said, ‘I used to think victory was winning, then I convinced myself it was surviving.’ You aren’t the only one who was traumatized and did whatever was necessary to survive John.” She flashed back to the day she’d discovered that Arnold had been working for the Pons and how he’d told her that he did it for the family. For their survival. 

Juliana ran her finger along his jawline and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. She knew how hard it was for him to tell her those things and she wanted to offer him the reassurance he so badly needed.

“I don’t know how to escape it Juliana,” he said defeatedly, his fear palpable. “I just...I can’t figure out any way that will keep all of you safe.”  


She held his hands in hers, running her thumbs over his fingers and staring at them, hoping for answers.   


“There _is_ an escape. I feel it John. I’m not sure what it is yet, but we have to wait.”   
  


* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys are enjoying, would love to hear some feedback, everyone’s been so quiet lately!!😉  
> Any gender preference for the baby? I’m leaning one way but still open to suggestions!
> 
> How many of you have finished all of season 4? I’ve only watched ep 1 and am trying to only do one per week but it’s killing me! 
> 
> Thanks for reading and for the kudos, love you guys!


	33. Content

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here’s a nice, long chapter;) It has nuggets of J & J steaminess, while advancing the plot a bit. I honestly didn’t intend to keep the characters locked in a 3 day period of time for the last several chapters, but they really needed to have some quality time together😉 and discuss information from their pasts before I moved them forward.

After dinner, John started a fire in the fireplace beside the couch where Juliana was laying. She was comfortably stretched out, a knit quilt strewn over her lap. Outside the snow soundlessly and steadily fell, inch after inch, cloaking everything in white. 

“So what exactly is winter solstice?” she asked as she watched him working to sweep and scoop away old ashes. “I vaguely remember reading about it before I took my citizenship test.”

He chuckled quietly and shook his head, indicating his lack of enthusiasm for the falsified and propagandized excuse for a holiday.

“Luckily for Hitler, Germans celebrated winter solstice long before Christianity came to the country. It was fairly easy for Nazi propagandists to reclaim Weihnachten as a pagan holiday. Traditionally, the longest days of winter were marked by gift-giving and a festival of lights. More recently, it’s come to be regarded as a holiday of domestic national peace, a peace facilitated by getting rid of enemies of the state. It bears a very dim resemblance to what we remember Christmas to be,” he said, shrugging his shoulders and aimlessly prodding the logs.

“I see, well I feel better prepared for the party I’m to attend at your house this Friday,” she said, the corners of her mouth mildly curving.

John stilled the poker he held and looked over his shoulder to her. “What?”

“Joe told me that Helen extended an invitation to he and I while he drove her home from the reception. She told him she wants to recognize our marriage as well, like a cake or something, because we didn’t have a ceremony or reception.”

“Perfect,” he said sarcastically, mirroring the same disenchanted affect that she wore on her face.

“Yes,” she scoffed.

He walked over to the couch and pulled her backward to settle her onto his lap, wrapping the blanket around both of them and nestling in. There was a chill in the air and the instantaneous warmth John’s body provided felt so nice. Familiar. Comforting. Strong.

“Juliana, when you mentioned riding with that army medic, it reminded me that I’m still unclear about exactly what happened to you around that time. When I had asked you about the meeting with high castle that day I came to your apartment...you didn’t tell me everything about your encounter, did you?”

Though his line of questioning was fairly unsettling, she still felt warmth in his tone. He seemed to be asking for different reasons than he had the first time. Better reasons, she hoped.

She leaned back and snuggled into his chest. He ran his fingers up and down her arms reassuringly, aware that he’d started to intimidate her, however well-meaning his question was.

“I was still so groggy from the drugs they’d given me. When I first saw him, he was surrounded by reel films, they were hanging all over, scattered about everywhere. I remember him saying, ‘You learn a lot watching these films. Some people are just the same, rotten or kind in one reality, rotten or kind in the next...but most people are different, depending on whether they have food in their belly, whether they’d hungry, safe or scared...’ I told him that I thought I’d seen Trudy a few days before, but that I knew she was dead. Then I asked if it were possible that she was still alive. He got angry and told me that he was the one asking questions. I asked him if I was in the films. He got angrier and started walking away, out of the barn...he said, ‘The story of your life...you don’t want to see how it ends.’ ” She felt his heart pounding more steadily now.  
  
“Next thing I know, I woke up and was in the trunk of a car. I overheard Lemuel Washington say to the other man, ‘Abenson said not to kill her.” But he didn’t seem to care, and Karen Vechionne seemed to be defending me also, but their voices were muffled. It was hard to distinguish exactly what they were saying. I was able to wretch open the trunk and roll out onto the road. There were Kempetai officers  stationed around, it was a blur. The man who wanted me dead kept shooting at me as I ran off beside the building and all I heard was rain of gunfire. I kept running in the woods until that evening, when the medic guy picked me up.”

“I can’t believe you made it through all that,” he said, shaking his head in disbelief, “no wonder you were so disheveled when I met you at headquarters.”

“Disheveled?” she said, smiling, “you’re being nice. I was an absolute mess.”

He tilted his head around to kiss a cheek. “I still thought you were pretty.”

She sighed and squeezed his hand, thinking back to that moment and remembering the husky voice paired with a chiseled face which questioned her.

“John have you seen me in any of the films you’ve watched for Himmler?”

“No. But I did see myself, Helen, and Thomas. In one film, Thomas was standing with a large group of people on a dock, an on-looker watching a boat race. Another film showed the three of us goofing around, making silly faces. We seemed to be in a free America. There wasn’t a trace of Nazism. It was inspiration, depression, and confusion all at once. I didn’t tell Helen about it. She’s been in such a dark place. My fear was that it would exacerbate her issues further.”

Her eyes searched about the room as her memories flooded back. “He told me that he’d found only one reality where the Nazi’s didn’t bomb San Francisco, and that was the film where Dixon lay dead in an alley, wearing an SS uniform,” she said. 

“We looked so happy in the film I saw. It was so disturbing, seeing what could have been,” he said quietly, taking a deep breath.

John told her about Fatima, about his visit to the Ahnenerbe research center and the things Dr. Mengele had revealed to him. The fire crackled while the snow continued to fall. They  tried to piece together their information and make sense of it all. It played like something out of an Alfred Hitchcock novel, but this was now their reality. Everything was becoming terrifying real.  
  
She laced her fingers through his, then brought their hands up into the crook of her neck, latching onto the safety of his touch. “It’s all so complicated. But this,” she said, feathering kisses over his strong hands, her lips quivering, “this is simple...you and I. All I want is for us to be together. I’ve never felt this way before John.”

John unlaced their hands to stroke her abdomen, then rested his chin on her shoulder and sighed. “I’ve been thinking lately about when Helen and I first met and started dating. She and I honestly didn’t know each other that well before we married, and then the occupation happened, Thomas was born, and we were thrown into this new, terrifying world.” He clenched his eyes shut and took a deep breath, relieved to finally verbalize his thoughts with her. “She’s always been a loyal wife, a friend, a teammate...but not a soulmate. And as much as I’ve analyzed everything with her, with you...tried to wrap my head around it...in the end, the truth remains. And it’s this. I’ve never felt for her, or anyone, the way I feel about you Juliana. We instinctively connect on so many levels.”

She placed her hand over his and turned her head to kiss his lips, then held her forehead against his, staring at him. Barely closer than a whisper, she reciprocated his feelings. “Your love...it nourishes me, it comforts me, it inspires me.” Suddenly Juliana felt a faint twitch in her belly, ever so small but she had no doubt it was the baby.

“John! I felt the baby! A flutter I’ve never felt before...there it is again!” He knew he wouldn’t be able to feel yet, it was too soon, but even so his face was beaming. 

“I bet she knows her mommy and daddy were just holding her,” he said, hiking Juliana’s dress up to access the warm, soft skin of her stomach. 

“There you go with ‘she’ again,” she giggled. 

“Just a hunch. What’s your prediction?”

“Hmm. I think a boy, actually,” she said with equal certainty. 

“We’ll just have to see,” he said, slipping a strap off her shoulder and nipping at the delicate skin teasingly. 

She let out a low moan and tousled her fingers though his hair, messing his curls into unruliness as he continued feasting on her satiny flesh. As predicted, John knew she would be overly sensuous after what had transpired in the car earlier and he intended to capitalize on her desperation tonight. He kissed a path to her left ear, hovering over it a moment before speaking. Goosebumps spread over both her arms like wildfire and she felt herself instantly flush wet.

This.

This is something that can’t be learned, she thought. He knew precisely how and when to touch her, where to touch her, how much or how little, always perfectly. 

“We have all night my sweet,” he whispered, the scratchy skin of his unshaven cheeks brushing against her ear and tickling her. He moved to the other ear. “And you have another present to open still.”

She leaned her head back against his shoulder and whimpered as his hand traced up her inner thigh, tracing light circles on her warm skin a moment before traveling north and landing exactly where she was aching. He firmly rubbed over her panties and smiled, pleased with the moisture he’d evoked.

Despite his resolve to draw out the dance, the lure of her silky lips was too overpowering. Nothing mattered but feeling her at that moment. He immediately surrendered, knowing the battle was as good as lost before a shot had even been fired.

John moved the crotch of her panties to the side and gently explored the inside of her folds, stroking their length several times, slowly...very slowly and thoroughly, as if he’d later be required to produce a sketch of her female anatomy for a college final. He rolled his fingers over her, wanting her come to completely coat them.

She ground into his touch, needing his skilled fingers to press inside, to attend to her bud which he had made to throb, to allow her the release she so frantically required.

Again unable to help himself, he plunged two fingers into her, pumping them a moment and then briefly, tortuously, teased her nerve bundle with several firm circular strokes. She whimpered with genuine distress when he withdrew his fingers. Juliana could feel his smile against her cheek. He took his come-drenched index finger into his mouth...starting at the base, his lips tightly encircling it while he slowly pulled it out. Next he held his second finger up to her lips, parting his own to indicate for her to open hers and grant him entry.

“Taste,” he instructed her, sounding more demanding than he intended.

His eyes fluttered back in his head primitively as she enveloped his finger deep and tight into her hot, cavernous mouth...suckling it like she’d done to his member earlier.

He was so rock hard, pushing up against her backside that it took every ounce of restraint she possessed to not turn round, push him down on his back, and take hold of his shaft to thrust it deep inside her. 

After she proceeded to lavish his remaining two fingers with the same attention, he managed to remove himself from the couch and stumbled to the kitchen counter to retrieve her gift. 

“Open it,” he told her with ragged breath.  
  
Juliana smiled and happily complied. He was never more irresistible to her than when his confidence and self-control were shaken, reducing him to one and two-word utterances. She untied the ribbon and carefully removed the wrapping. Her eyes roved the gift with awed delight. Inside was the most delicate, beautiful, white lace negligee she’d ever seen. Accompanying the teddy were a pair of lace knee-length stockings with white bows at the top, and the tiniest lace thong she’d ever seen.

Juliana didn’t exactly feel her sexiest with her more motherly form beginning to take its shape in her mid-section, nor was she entirely accustomed to donning garments like this. Frank had never bought her lingerie, however for his birthday one year she’d bought and worn a longer, less revealing black silk nightgown as a surprise. Disappointed with the lackluster response he’d given, she opted to not indulge in further purchases of the type. She did remember feeling sexy in it though, despite Frank’s reaction. How much more fun would it be to wear this for John, to watch his eyes darken with lust...just the thought made her stomach dance. 

After being with John it had become painfully clear to her as to what what missing in her connection with Frank. Never once had she seen the passion and fire in his eyes that she saw and felt every time John looked at her. She couldn’t ever seem to figure out exactly what Frank  _was_ passionate about, if anything. 

“It’s gorgeous John,” she smiled softly, but he knew she was holding something back.

“What’s wrong darling?” he asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, his voice so gentle it fairly took her breath away. 

“I just...well...maybe I should save this for after the baby’s born, when my figure is back to normal,” she said with girlish reservation. 

He tilted her chin up to meet his, certain that he’d never loved her more than in that moment. “Sweetheart you are so lovely, truly. And believe me, to see your beautiful belly starting to fill out and become rounder is so sexy. Your body is going to change, it comes with the territory, but it will be wonderful in a way you can’t imagine. Besides, don’t you think it turns me on to know that it’s my baby in here, that we made this?” he said softly, caressing her bump. “I love you,” he said, kissing her forehead.

“I love you,” she said, smiling and breathing in the loveliness of the man she beheld.  
  
Juliana ran her thumbs over his cheekbones indulgently, then made her way to the nape of his neck which she softly stroked while parting his lips with hers, gently, savoring him. When she felt she was getting to a point of no return, she pulled herself away from his warmth, giving a sedative wink before rushing to the bathroom with the gift box. 

John poured himself a glass of whiskey and tossed another log on the fire. He sighed as he sunk down into the couch, drink in hand, listening to the fire crackle while he awaited his beloved. In that moment, life was good and all seemed right with the world. Though he knew it was a dangerous game to play, he acquiesced to his heart’s yearning to imagine that for tonight, she was genuinely his. His to adore. His to make love to. His to spoil. His to caress and fondle. No one else’s. To _hell_ with Joe Blake. 

So entranced in his intoxicating fantasy, John hadn’t noticed Juliana had emerged from the bathroom and snuck up behind the couch. He felt her warm breath on his neck seconds before she began suckling one of his earlobes. He groaned in delight and blindly reached an arm back to guide her around to him so he could fully view her. 

His teeth pinned down his lower lip, rendering him speechless for several long moments as he scanned over her image...lingering longer on her full breasts than anywhere else it seemed. Her nipples were almost entirely visible through the soft lace and he felt himself almost completely harden upon noticing how red and erect they were. 

“Mmm, you look...irresistible. So, so very sexy. _Dangerously_ sexy. Do you know how much trouble you’re in? Turn around.”  
  
Nothing in the world felt as good as his hands, running down her sides, eagerly exploring her bottom, squeezing and plying each cheek, then lightly snapping the string of the thong against her hip. Other than her belly and much enhanced breasts, she honestly didn’t appear pregnant anywhere else. John remembered how swollen poor Helen’s calves and ankles always were in her pregnancies and weight gains in other areas which had always perturbed her. Certainly he wouldn’t mention that to Juliana, as complimentary and comforting as it might be. 

Hands roamed over every curve, peak and valley. He wanted to sear the feel of her naked skin upon his memory so that he could recollect her vividly during his long, lonely nights. Lord knows he had enough of them. 

She bent to take his hands and guide him to stand, then pulled his sweater over his head and began trailing her fingers over his cut, muscular abdomen and pecs before teasing along the crease of his back between his shoulder blades.

He hastily unbuckled and unzipped his pants, pushing them down to the floor, but her hand firmly covered his at the waistband of his drawers, halting further progress. She slowly lowered herself onto her knees, then tugged the obtrusive garment down about midway, firmly sucking the tip of his member several seconds while fondling his undercarriage. She mischievously grinned as she gazed up and saw him toss his head back while moaning in desperation, and returned herself to a standing position.

John unexpectedly and primitively gripped her tightly, cupped her bottom and lifted her off the floor until she could lock her legs around his waist, gently leaning her back against the wall as his unrelenting lips were upon hers again, hot and hard and willing her to submit. It didn’t take long for her to relinquish control, and when he began teasing the sensitive skin of her neck, her head fell back, exposing the length of her throat while basking in the rapture of his tender touches.

Juliana savagely clung to his shoulders, her nails marking his skin when his lips traveled down to her breasts, his tongue sweeping over each nipple until she moaned, the mounting anticipation becoming intolerable.

When her thighs squeezed against his hips and she cupped his jaw and finally whispered, “Inside me.” He filled her in one rapid thrust. Madly driving into her with reckless abandon, he kept himself tucked snugly in her wet tightness as he walked around the corner to the bedroom.  


In direct contrast to his previous temperament, he laid her down on the bed delicately, then resumed thrusting, just the way he knew she liked it. The way that always made her come. Buried to the hilt, slowly pushing in and pulling out, then increasing his pace once he felt her nails dig into his back and her hips buck to amplify and coordinate with his efforts.

“Ughhh...John...god!” As she clenched, clamped, and spasmed upon finding her release, his cock burgeoned into its own frenzied ecstasy as he profusely loaded her with his come. John couldn’t remember the last time he’d had such a forceful orgasm. He hadn’t thought it possible. The things she did to him.   


John curled his hands beneath her shoulders and drew her chest up to his lips, taking each nipple in for a brief suckle, then burrowing his nose between her pillowy bosom to inhale her scent, breathing her in like a fragrant blossom.

When he felt himself soften and slip out of her, he rolled onto his back and pulled her halfway onto his chest. She draped one leg over his and snuggled her head into his warm, luxurious chest. His heart was still pounding. Nothing soothed her like being lovingly captured in his arms. Spellbound.

 

*****  
  


Sleep took them almost instantly. A luxurious sleep, the likes that neither had felt since the last time they’d spent the night entwined with the other.   


Around 3 a.m. Juliana’s writhing stirred John. She was tossing her head from side to side, muttering unintelligible paranoias with intermittent moans. John tucked her in firmly against him, shushing her and smoothing her hair to soothe her. He pulled an extra blanket off the armchair next to the bed and tossed it over them. The temperature had considerably dropped and he could tell she was cold. She didn’t fully wake, thankfully, and drifted back to sleep about five minutes later.   
  
He lay there, listening to her breathing, basking in the glorious fragrance which was Juliana with his hand resting on her belly. How would he ever be able to let her go? How could he unlove her? How would he close the gates to his soul that she’d opened? Unlight the fire that she’d lit? Unfeel her body? 

He _did_ know, above all else, that he wished her happiness before his own.   


 

*****  


 

When John left the next morning after breakfast, Juliana tried to ignore the slight disconnect she’d felt since she woke up. He had too much on his mind, she reasoned. Too many alibis to keep straight. Too many conflicted feelings.  
  
Juliana had too much on her mind to let her thoughts linger very long anyhow. She had called a doctor’s office and they were able to get her in for an afternoon appointment. As much as she dreaded it, a part of her was just as relieved because she was eager to have her pre-natal questions answered, as well as a rough idea of her due date. John had reassured her that she had nothing to worry about, that he would somehow ensure that everything went smoothly for her. Just how he was able to discreetly accomplish that left her bewildered.

As she went about straightening up Erich’s apartment, her mind was struck with the disconcerting realization that Joe may have tried to call their apartment or to get ahold of her while she’d been with John in the last twenty-four hours. And what if someone had seen she and John coming or going at Erich’s? Why hadn’t she asked John about that? She hated that she couldn’t see or talk to him whenever she pleased. Friday she’d see him for the solstice party, but there would be little to no chance of a private conversation. If she was lucky, a stolen moment or two.

After spending so much time with him over the last few days, ironically she was more upset than before. Why couldn’t she be satisfied with what he’d given her? The more she’d gotten the more she needed. As much as she wanted to miss her new husband, try as she might she couldn’t truthfully say that his absence concerned her, nor that his return would offer any kind of comfort.   
  


*****  
  


“Juliana Blake,” the nurse called.

Oh, that’s me, she thought, looking up from the waiting room newspaper she’d been reading. The sound of her married name jarred her. She nodded and gathered her purse.

“Please remove your clothing from the waist down and drape this gown over yourself. The doctor will be right in.”

All business, she thought. Not that she expected any differently, but any measure of kindness, however small, would’ve been welcomed to help assuage the knots in her stomach. As she undressed, she had a brief flashback to the abortion clinic and shuddered. She’d come so close that day. It would’ve broken John’s heart. She knew she would’ve never gotten over it either. 

The exam was routine and uneventful, with the exception of several pokes and prods she could’ve lived without. The nurse drew at least three vials of blood, possibly one or two more. She wasn’t entirely sure because she’d turned her head away for fear she would faint had she stared a second longer.   
  


“We’re going to perform a procedure called an ultrasound on you Mrs. Blake. It’s state of the art technology developed by Dr. Mengele’s obstetrical research team. Physicians began using them in Berlin in 1957. We’ve only started using them here this last year, so consider yourself fortunate.”

“How so?”, she questioned, immediately terrified upon hearing any sentence containing that horrid Dr. Mengele’s name. 

The doctor huffed out a small, annoyed sigh of irritation, unaccustomed to his practices being questioned. “For one thing Mrs. Blake, we’ll be able to detect if your fetus has any physical deformities or irregularities and thereby terminate the pregnancy, in such an event.”

Juliana clutched her stomach protectively and felt bile rising. Certainly John had no idea that she’d be undergoing testing of this kind, otherwise he would’ve tried to get her out of it or in the very least prepared her. 

Unsure of what else to do, she schooled her face into obedience before she spoke, hoping somehow her charm could be useful. “Doctor you may think me silly but I have to admit that I’m a bit superstitious,” she said, lightly biting the corner of her lower lip. “Would it be possible to schedule this test for the next time I come? Today’s date is an unlucky number for me and I’m actually feeling ill and think I should head home.”

He stared at her several long seconds with narrowed eyes, having no particular reason to mistrust her but strangely confident that she was behaving scandalously in some way. 

“No, Mrs. Blake. It’s unfortunate you don’t feel well but the ultrasound will be performed today. No exceptions.”

She felt a flush spreading over her chest as her panic gained hold. Taking deep breaths, she attempted to quell her visible anxiety which would undoubtedly raise suspicion. The nurse spread a cold gel on her stomach and adjusted several knobs on the large machine beside the exam chair. 

“There’s no need to be nervous Mrs. Blake. This won’t take long and it doesn’t hurt,” the nurse offered.

Juliana nodded, thankful that her anxiety was effectively misconstrued. She peered over to the doctor, who watched the screen with painstaking concentration and wrote notes on his clipboard as the nurse ran a device over the gel on her abdomen, pushing it deeper in certain areas, reporting measurements to the doctor. Juliana watched as the pair exchanged glances several times and continued with their calculations. Their intense scrutiny reminded her of the examination she’d been given when she sought asylum in the Reich.

“You’re 16 weeks pregnant, Mrs. Blake. With our calculations, the baby should be due on or around May 3rd,” the nurse said flatly. “Have you felt the baby move yet?”

May 3rd, May 3rd...that was Trudy’s birthday. They wouldn’t have told her the due date if there was a problem. Maybe everything would be alright after all! She closed her eyes and smiled, never so relieved in her life. 

“Mrs. Blake?”

“Hmm?”

“I asked if you’ve felt your baby move yet?”

“Sorry. Yes. Last night, actually.”

“Excellent. You should start feeling much more in the coming weeks and months.”

Juliana’s hope was restored. She hadn’t even processed the nurse’s last sentence. “So my baby is healthy?”

The nurse looked at the doctor. Then he spoke. “That remains undetermined Mrs. Blake. We have several measurements that we’re going to be watching and we’re sending your blood samples off to the lab to be processed. I’ll need to see you in one month for a follow up ultrasound.”

“Alright,” she said quietly, finally remembering to breathe. “Is that the baby’s head?” she asked, pointing toward the image on the screen, her heart pounding. 

“Yes. And these are the limbs,” the nurse answered, pointing to several small appendages. 

Juliana felt tears welling and found herself quite unable to stop them. Tears of joy, of fear, of pain that she had no one to share the moment with her.

“Perhaps you should have your husband here for the next appointment dear. For support, if needed.”

She quickly brushed her tears away and pulled herself together. “His work often takes him away, but I can try.”

“Nice to meet you, have a good day Mrs. Blake,” the doctor said, closing the door before  a response could emerge from Juliana. 

“Go ahead and get dressed, then head to the front office,” said the nurse.

Juliana nodded. As she dressed, she heard John’s words in her head. “You’re mine, remember,” he’d said with an adorable grin. She remembered his caresses on her belly, on her neck, up and down her arms. She smoothed her dress and exhaled. It was going to be a long month.   
  


*****  
  


That afternoon, Juliana was vacuuming the living room when the phone rang, startling her. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, I was starting to worry about you. I called twice yesterday and then a few hours ago and no answer. What’s going on?” Joe said, his voice more agitated than she’d predicted.

Thankfully Juliana had taken the mental effort to compose excuses should such a situation arise. She cleared her throat.

“I’m sorry sweetie, I ended up pulling a double shift at work yesterday and passed out when I got home. Then today I went to my first doctor’s appointment, which took quite awhile. You didn’t give me your hotel information so I had no way to get ahold of you.”

“How did the appointment go? Is everything okay?” 

This was the first interest he’d shown in the baby or her pregnancy so she was pleasantly surprised by his curiosity.

“They drew my blood, measured by stomach...and they did this new kind of test called an ultrasound. They said they weren’t sure if the baby was developing normally so I’m scheduled to go back in a month and repeat the test. I was so scared Joe.”

“Listen, I don’t want you to worry about anything. It won’t matter anyhow, you know they’ll do whatever they want, there’s no sense worrying unnecessarily.”

“l hope so.”

“And about your job...go ahead and put in your notice. I know you like to stay busy, but Himmler just increased my salary so we’ll be fine on my income. No need for you to over exert yourself.”

“You’re sure?”

“Of course.”

“Thank you Joe,” she said, her tone sincerely grateful.

The long hours on her feet had begun to take a toll on her and she’d also started growing very bored and unstimulated as of late. She did, however, enjoy the company she’d kept with several of her co-workers. They were so honest and easy going. The camaraderie she’d shared with them would certainly be missed, but not enough to outweigh everything else.

“I’ll be home tommorrow afternoon, if things go according to plan.”

  
*****

  
Minutes after she’d hung up the phone with Joe, John called. Upon hearing the throaty timbre on the other end her heart was instantly in her throat, equally excited and terrified. John so rarely called her that it typically wasn’t a good sign.

“Tagomi contacted me today. Apparently he found out that you and Joe were married and wanted to know if I could put him in touch with you.” He could hear her breathing heavily. “I didn’t give it to him. My concern is that he could somehow be baiting you. He was very insistent,” he paused, unsure exactly what to say. “I don’t want you to walk into a trap.”

Without hesitation, she gracefully rebuked his suggestion. “He wouldn’t endanger me John. If anything I’m sure he stands to lose more than I do. Please, give him my number.”

“I need you to be sure, really sure about this Juliana. There are limits to the things I can control. I know you felt the two of you had a special connection, but answer me this, plain and simple. Do you trust him with your life?”

She answered without the slightest trace of uncertainty; he noted.

“Absolutely.”

 

*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading, and endless thanks to those who’ve left kudos or comments, means so so much to me! Whether you’re just tuning in or you’ve been following this story from its’ inception, I would ❤️ to hear from you, please take a moment and let me know your thoughts! xo


	34. Winter Solstice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An interesting and long dinner party...
> 
> Tried something new with this chapter. Three separate POV’s from Juliana, John, and Erich.
> 
> It was a push to do this update so soon with the craziness of the holidays, but I really wanted to post on December 25th. Hope you enjoy, thanks for reading😉 Happy Holidays! Merry everything!🎄

“Welcome!” Helen said as she opened the door to greet them, a wide smile spread across her face. Her red lipstick was the same exact shade as her dress.  
  
Juliana would be counting the minutes till the night was over. If it wasn’t enough to be back in the Smiths house again dredging up flashbacks, it was a veritable hell to be there in Helen’s reclaimed household while Juliana feigned infatuation for her new husband who had never even professed love to her. 

Juliana’s eyes couldn’t help but dart in John’s direction as he emerged from his office and casually strolled over to them. After they exchanged greetings, John took off Juliana’s coat, lingering a moment longer than was appropriate but no one noticed. Had he missed her as badly as she had missed him? It had only been four days since she awoke securely wrapped in the comfort of his strong arms and yet it could’ve been four years. 

Juliana felt the warmth of his gaze and they made brief eye contact when she noticed him watching her remove the scarf and gloves he’d bought her. How handsome he looked too, wearing gray slacks and a black vest over a crisp, white linen shirt. John never had to work very hard to appear dashing. 

The aromatic effects of the sauerbraten and red cabbage which hung heavy in the air threatened to reawaken Juliana’s barely improved morning sickness. Luckily she hadn’t battled with it much in the last month so she’d most likely be fine, but the last thing she wanted to do was embarrass herself with an awkward dash to the restroom.

Before she’d even finished hugging the Smith girls, she noticed an attractive blonde rounding the corner, chatting comfortably with Lucy as she sipped her glass of wine. They looked as if they’d known one another for quite some time, and yet Juliana was certain she’d never laid eyes on her in any social circles she’d attended.

The slender European approached she and Joe with a grin, seemingly just as eager to make her acquaintance.

She watched her husband’s face instantly brighten as he and the charming stranger silently offered each other cordial sentiments before either one spoke.

“Nicole, what a pleasant surprise! To what do we owe the pleasure,” Joe said, moving in to kiss her cheek. Suddenly Juliana felt nonexistent as the pair gazed at each other. She imagined herself floating above them and taking in the bizarre scene of Joe and this woman. 

“I’m in town for a special project, should only be for a few weeks, possibly longer if we don’t get the footage we need fast enough. And is this brunette beauty your dear bride?”

Joe cleared his throat as Nicole’s question effectively redirected his wandering thoughts back to present time. “Ah, yes. Forgive my manners, Nicole this is my wife Juliana. Juliana, meet Nicole Dormer. She proved very helpful in helping me navigate Berlin, to which I was most grateful.”

“Something tells me you would’ve managed just fine without my aid,” Nicole said with a husky German accent that seemed to ooze sensuality. As she glanced from one to the other, Juliana couldn’t help but wonder just what the extent of their relationship had been and if, in fact, it was still in existence.   
  
“Ah, well thank you for taking such good care of him in the Fatherland,” Juliana smirked.

She glanced over to John, who was pouring a glass of wine at the bar and fumbled, nearly dropping the bottle. Juliana never referenced German allegiance of any kind so she knew she’d shocked him with her comment. It was all for show of course, but amusing to witness his reaction just the same. 

“Riesling, anyone?” John asked the group, more than eager for everyone’s senses to be dulled. 

Tonight of all nights Juliana wished she could indulge. The only silver lining would be if everyone else became drunk, then, she reasoned, it would lighten the air, perhaps evoke truthfulness from Joe and his Aryan friend.

Erich and Joe joined John with the assembling of refreshments, while Helen began bringing various dishes out to the table.  
  
“Girls, why don’t you tell the ladies what you’ve learned in school about Winter Solstice and some of our traditions. After all, this is Juliana and Nicole’s first Solstice in the GNR, a new experience for them,” Helen said. 

“This is a  _Julleuchter_ or Yule Lantern,” Amy said, pointing to the small hollow clay candlestick on the table, about 8 inches tall. “On its four sides it has a heart and a Hagall rune. The Hagall Rune represents Faith and the heart represents the spirit or soul. It stands for an inseparable community, its conscious and attitude, and it’s used as a symbol of never ending sunlight. Candles are placed both inside and on top of the Lantern; each position having a specific ceremonial meaning.”

“Very good Amy,” Helen said, issuing her nod of approval at her daughter’s knowledge.

“Yes thank you, that’s quite interesting,” Juliana managed, more so to praise her effort rather than give a seal of endorsement. It wasn’t the girl’s fault she’d taken to the indoctrination so well. Jennifer was another story. Juliana knew that ever since her brother had been euthanized she had begun to question Reich policy.

As she listened to the sisters continue to educate them on the celebration’s history and customs, their voices seemed to fade away until the words became imperceptible. For the first time, Juliana was uncomfortably aware that these two girls were sisters to her unborn child.

Since she’d become pregnant, she’d often wondered if fate and circumstances would be kinder to a male or female child in this world. Before that moment, she’d secretly hoped it would be a girl. Less dangerous. Less Nazi. But now she was finding herself hopelessly disillusioned with the prospect of her daughter being raised to think, feel, and breathe fascist propaganda and inevitably adopt the perverted necessary requirements to run a proper GNR household.

This sudden realization, combined with the pungent German feast that Helen continued to usher out, propelled Juliana to abruptly head to the bathroom.

She felt a light, cold sweat break out on her face and her mouth watered as she stared down at the porcelain sink basin. Struggling to keep herself from vomiting, she closed her eyes and inhaled deeply.  
  
One more breath... There, that’s it, she silently encouraged herself.

One more.

The moment passed, she would be fine.

She reopened her eyes and looked in the mirror.

The image of Joe Blake stood beside her now, a pistol held to the side of her head and a pensive smirk on his face.

Instantly a blood curdling scream emerged from her body. The kind of sound that makes arm hairs stand on end.

 _Horrifying_. Urgent.

She blinked. He was gone.

The door opened. It was John. Without thinking she buried herself into him, her entire body trembling in fright. Everything was always fine in his arms, nothing could hurt her. He would keep her safe, calm her fears. She had always been quite capable of harnessing her own inner-strength, but since John had been in her life she found herself more than willing to allow him to lighten her burden. Though her head told her she certainly didn’t _need_ it, now that she’d had it, her heart didn’t quite know how to not _want_ it. 

“Are you okay?!” he asked, gently pulling her away from him and locking his hands on her elbows in a less affectionate manner in order to avoid suspicion.

It’s not okay, everything is going terribly wrong, she wanted to scream! After leaving the celestial experience she’d had last weekend with him and then falling back to Earth with Joe the last few days, she was becoming gravely aware that she’d made a horrendous mistake in her choice of spouse.

She opened her mouth but no words emerged, so she nervously nodded. Helen and Erich walked in behind John.

“I-I thought I saw a mouse...sorry I screamed, I’m fine,” she stammered, still shaky. 

“Well you sure gave us a fright dear! Sure you’re okay?” Helen asked.

Juliana noticed her glance at John. He’d been the first to respond to her, within seconds too. Surely that couldn’t have been missed by Helen. She remembered John saying on more than one occasion how perceptive she was.

“No really, I’m fine. Sorry to have disturbed the party. Please, let’s get back to the lovely dinner.”

After everyone filed out of the bathroom, Joe finally approached her, his presence nearly evoking a second scream.

“You alright?”, he asked.

“Yes, I’m fine thanks,” she answered with thinly veiled hostility, but she didn’t care.   
  


*****  
  


Had anyone taken note of his lingering gazes with Juliana, John wondered. It seemed like lifetimes ago when he’d held her warm, welcoming body against his, traced her curves, tasted her mouth. How was it possible to miss someone so much who he’d just seen? Yet it was possible. She looked so beautiful tonight too, with a pregnant glow that shook his heart. 

John walked out of the bathroom in a foul mood. Where the hell was Joe? Why was he no where to be found when he’d heard a ghastly scream emerge from his pregnant wife’s throat? John had decided that he would finally step aside to allow them to make a life together, but instances like this gave him reason to reconsider. In fact, if it hadn’t been for Joe’s reaction to his reunion with Nicole Dormer, John would’ve said that the man seemed basically void of all emotion.

But he _had_ seen it, and now he couldn’t be sure which notion was more disconcerting. A cold-blooded, detached shell of a man who seemed to feel little for Juliana and her feelings...or a man who seemed so obviously passionate toward his Lebensborn sister and made no clear attempt to disguise it. 

“Reichsmarschall, is the Fuhrer well? I thought he’d be celebrating with us tonight?”, the German asked with casual interest.

John was finding her a little more than irksome. He couldn’t seem to figure out her game but he knew by the night’s end he’d be there. Though he loathed situations such as these, he excelled with them. On more than one occasion tonight he’d found her eyes peering at both Juliana and Lucy with what could only be described as lustful intent. Meanwhile, Joe, who seemed quite enamored by her charms, was not on the receiving end of her sensual sidelong glances.

“Yes, he’s quite well in fact. I’m told there were some things in Berlin which required his attention. But he sends his best.”

As he took a sip of his drink, peering over the rim of his glass at the man who’d be sleeping with his Juliana tonight, a part of him longed to rid the world of Joe Blake. To divorce Helen and start a life with Juliana and give her the happiness she was so deserving of. He wondered if Helen would even contest. She seemed to be enjoying the company of her widowed psychiatrist. Her cheerful spirits over the last month were blatant. Maybe she’d be living her best life with Dr. Ryan. John didn’t get too long in his thoughts before Helen nudged him in his seat and quietly suggested in his ear that he make a toast.   
  
John cleared his throat and tapped his glass, unsure if he liked having to make yet another toast in just over a weeks time. He paused a brief moment, then grinned to himself as the perfect quote came to mind. 

“Please everyone, raise a glass. Brutus said to Caesar, ‘There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune; Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat, and we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures.’  

He continued, “Here’s to a new year, filled with new voyages, new currents, new ventures. May we have the aptitude to seek out loyalists from traitors, and the fortitude to act accordingly. Happy solstice!” Although it wasn’t deliberate, his gaze subconsciously drifted to Joe, hoping his words would achieve subtle intimidation.

Lucy, mostly likely feeling the tension take hold as the dining room table seemed to be getting smaller, opted to chime in after John’s toast.   
  
“Keep hold of your glasses for one more toast! Here’s to the new husband and here's to the new wife. May they remain lovers for all of life. Also, congratulations on the new baby, I’m so happy for you two!”

“Thank you Lucy,” Juliana said, cautiously smiling.

“Yes thank you,” Joe added. 

Helen nearly drank the entirety of her glass in one gulp and she’d had at least two other drinks. John braced himself for what he knew would likely be an interesting scene. And was Lucy already drunk? If he didn’t know any better, he’d say she had no idea about the extent of he and Juliana’s affections, or who the true father of her baby was. Perhaps her acting was more skillful than he’d imagined, though he’d spent enough time with her to know that she rarely hid much. 

“Ah congratulations! I didn’t realize you were expecting,” Nicole said, clearly surprised. “When is the little one due?”   
  
“I actually just went for my first doctors appointment earlier this week. The baby’s due around June 3rd,” she answered, with the same date she’d given Joe. The real date would leave too much doubt regarding the baby’s paternity so he and Juliana had previously discussed telling anyone who asked that the due date was about one month after the true date, then she could just say the baby came early or that the dates were calculated incorrectly.

May 3rd. His brother Edmond’s birthday was May 6th. John pretended to be engrossed in buttering a roll while he hung on her every word. Luckily Nicole wasn’t familiar with pregnancy idiosyncrasies so she wouldn’t question the size of Juliana’s abdomen. Helen, on the other hand, was a different story. He keenly observed the quizzical look on his wife’s face and could almost read her thoughts. 

“How exciting! And how fortunate for you two that you were able to conceive so quickly. Nothing pleases the Reich more,” Helen said with a phony smile, her eyes focused more on her husband than the person with whom she spoke. John was certain her insinuation was noticed by the other guests. He needed to create a diversion. Luckily, Amy unknowingly beat him to it. 

“Daddy, may I be excused?” Amy asked.

“Sure honey. Why don’t you and I start clearing these dishes, hmm?”

John pulled tupperware from the cabinet for leftovers and set the dirty dishes in the sink. They’d given Martha three days off to celebrate the holiday with her family.

“Daddy I have a question. A girl in my class, Angela Benson, she told me that her mother celebrated a holiday called Christmas when she was little. The way she described it, it sounded so wonderful,” she said excitedly. “Did you celebrate Christmas when you were a kid too?”

John sighed heavily and set down the plate he was holding. He wouldn’t lie to her. Not anymore.  “Yes, I did.”

“Oh, why haven’t you ever told us about it?”, she said, fully expecting for him to give her an empty response.

He used to enjoy the simple, uncomplicated answers which his youngest happily accepted. But lately she was no longer satisfied with the basics, her curiosity demanded more. 

“It’s complicated sweetheart. I know you and your sister have been taught to celebrate winter solstice, so your mother and I have never seen the point in confusing you with talk of a holiday that’s no longer celebrated. But I did _love_ Christmas, in fact it was my favorite holiday.” John remembered the date that day. December 21st. The holiday he so fondly remembered from his boyhood was only four days away.

He knew he was at risk of igniting doubts and dangerous ideas in her young heart, but for the first time since he’d become a father he couldn’t overcome his primal urge to give his child honesty; for once.

“When I was in school, we learned that Christmas holiday traditions had been superimposed upon ancient Germanic traditions. Christmas Eve originally had nothing to do with the birth of Jesus Christ, but instead celebrated the winter Solstice and the 'rebirth of the sun',” Joe said as he walked out of the shadows and into the kitchen, genuinely startling both he and Amy.  

“Yes and the swastika was an ancient symbol of the sun,” John interrupted, quietly seething. “Thank you Joe. I think we should leave the dissemination of information to the educators. They do a fine job, don’t they?” he said curtly.

The two held their eyes for what seemed an eternity. How long had Joe been eavesdropping on their conversation and who the hell did he think he was teaching his daughter anything?

“Sorry for interrupting, hope I didn’t interfere in a private moment,” Joe said, knowing full well he’d overstepped. 

“No matter. Let’s head back out, it’s time for dessert,” John said, frighteningly calm, his eyes never leaving Joe.

 

*****

  
“Would you like plum cake hon? I know it’s your favorite,” Lucy asked Erich.

“No thank you, love, after that wonderful feast I don’t think I can fit anything else in my stomach.” He didn’t say that he was certain the plum cake would be disappointing compared to the one his mother used to make this time of year. Erich instead joined Joe at the bar for one last drink.

“Erich, I can’t thank you enough for reconnecting me with Juliana,” said Joe as he poured mulled wine for the both of them.

In truth, Erich knew he’d made a mistake by reconnecting them. He didn’t realize that John would be so hurt by Joe being the answer to the Juliana trap. Worse yet, Erich hadn’t realized yet that the Joe Blake before him was not the same one that had left for Berlin. Joe was always John’s man just like he was, but now Joe took orders from Himmler directly.

“Bitte schön,” Erich replied.

“Did you grow up speaking German?” Joe asked.

“My parents are from the Fatherland, they moved to New York after the Great War. I spoke English at school but German at home.”

“Ha, my mother only spoke to me in English, as bad as it was. What did your father do?”

“He was a machinist. He quickly turned a small shop into one of the largest factories in New York. After we won the war, my father was one of the first on this side of the Atlantic that was asked to join the Party. Sadly he passed away last year.”  Erich suddenly realized how awkward the subject about fathers was. His father had assassinated the Fuhrer.

“My father died recently as well,” Joe said coolly and took a long swig of his mulled wine.  “You’re from Yorkville, right?”

“Yes.”

“That must have been nice, my mother and I would stop at Glaser’s for black and white cookies after spending a day at the park.”

“Ah Glaser’s, my family went there often.  I wonder if we had ever ran into each other there?”

“I always felt so safe in Yorkville, it was nothing like Washington Heights. You were very lucky.”

“Washington Heights is very different now.”

“Yes, the Jews were replaced with Washingtonians. Still not somewhere I would want my child to grow up. Though if my mother were still alive, I’d have had her relocated to Yorkville. Do you still have a place there?”

“Um, yes, actually. Lucy and I recently moved to the suburbs so we could start a family. I kept the apartment for the convenience. Not everyone has the privilege to travel by helicopter.” Erich shouldn’t have done that.  Now that Joe was officially Lebensborn, he was practically royalty and afforded every privilege the Reich had to offer.

“I am sure a man with your unwavering loyalty will soon be commuting by helicopter as well,” said Joe.

“Something to look forward to, though the new monorail system is a remarkable improvement from the old subway and train set-up.”

“You should see Berlin, New York feels a decade behind. You haven’t been, correct?”  Joe said with his eye tightening.

“No, I haven’t had the pleasure yet.”

“You know it’s funny, fighting for a cause so far away, that you can never really understand until you see it. I know I didn’t. I mean, I was just a kid from New York. I already thought I lived in the best place on Earth.”

Erich wasn’t sure if Joe was insinuating something here but he was beginning to feel unsettled. In truth, he was more loyal to the American Reich than the Fatherland. While John certainly took orders from Berlin, he was a American Nazi not a German Nazi. Berlin would gladly sacrifice an American city, possibly even New York if the calculus was right. John wouldn’t allow such travesty. He took a long sip of his wine and sighed. Save us all if he is ever replaced with a German.

“This is a lovely house the Smith’s have, do you come often?” Joe asked.

“No, just the occasional holidays and state dinners.”

“I always figured you were closer than that. I would have assumed John would promote you to Obergruppenfuhrer after he became the Reichsmarschall. Yet, here you are, still his closest aide.”

Erich had no taste for these politics and he never figured Joe would have either. His time in Berlin had changed him.

“I gladly serve the Reich in whatever capacity requested,” Erich replied.

“As do I,” Joe said in a menacing tone. The subsequent silence left Erich with an ominous feeling.

“I better go see what trouble my wife is getting herself into,” Erich said, hoping to provide a little levity. Lucy was merrily chatting with Nicole once again, blithely ignorant to the fact that she was speaking with the new royalty. Joe followed Erich.

“Is Nicole updating you on the latest fashion trends from Berlin?” Joe asked, injecting himself into the conversation.

Erich was slightly worried about Lucy. Her beautiful loose lips always seemed to get her into trouble and he was starting to suspect that Joe was on a reconnaissance mission. Nor did he trust Nicole Dormer as far as he could throw her. 

“Josef, we have already moved beyond that topic and what do you care of fashion? Obviously nothing from that suit.”

“What’s wrong with my suit?” he said with a pout.

“Everything,” she smirked and took a drag of her cigarette.

“We were actually just discussing her latest project. She’s been traveling all around the American Reich to film the remodeling of our old landmarks,” said Lucy.

“Fascinating, I believe you may have seen more of the country than I have,” Erich remarked. “What are your thoughts?”

“This side of the Atlantic is so young, it’s like clay. We will be able to truly mold things here. We have the opportunity to really make America the greatest of the Greater Reich… outside of the Fatherland of course,” Nicole said, beaming with pride. “Have either of you visited Berlin?”

The married couple shook their head almost in unison.

“You must visit. Especially for Solstice, New York just does not embrace the holiday the way Berlin does. It is the shining jewel of the world in December. If my work allows it, I would love to host you,” Nicole said gazing into Lucy’s eyes, “the both of you. I can show you all the delights Berlin has to offer.”

“That would be so wonderful,” Lucy said just melting.

“I look forward to it,” Nicole said and took a bite of her cherry pie. “You two are such a lovely match, how did you meet?”

“We were kind of set up, John invited us out on his boat. I wasn’t really interested in going on a double date with Juliana, I mean what if Erich and I didn’t get along? Who wants to be stuck on a boat in that situation. Luckily we hit it off right away.”

Erich’s eyes immediately darted over towards Joe to see if he could catch a reaction. Thank god Helen and John weren’t within earshot. ‘Damnit Lucy, what have you done,’ he thought.

“Yes, well, Lucy and Juliana were roommates at the time and John had been sponsoring Juliana’s citizenship so he was familiar with Lucy’s situation and well…”  Erich was tongue tied, possibly making it worse. He hated failing John like this. John had given him everything and was the only man in the world he felt like he could trust. And in their business, trust was a luxury not a commodity.

“The Reichsmarschall appears to be quite the matchmaker. Perhaps he has someone he could set me up with?” At first Erich thought she was looking at Lucy but now he noticed Nicole’s grin was intended for Joe.

Suddenly Juliana joined the group at the dessert table.

“I think I could eat this whole spread,” Juliana said, “this baby has given me quite the sweet tooth.”

Erich hoped a pregnant Lucy would look as good as Juliana did. The only noticeable change was her small bump and enormous breasts.

 

*****

 

By 10:00 the party had wound down and everyone gathered their belongings to return home. Farewells were exchanged. John seemed to have successfully redeemed himself from his bathroom rescue faux pas, barely addressing Juliana the remainder of the evening.

John had no intention of toying with Juliana or sending her away longing for him, but when a perfect opportunity had presented itself, he impulsively took it, not thinking twice. Joe, Helen, and Nicole were a ways ahead of him in the driveway, engrossed in conversation, while Erich was the only one behind them. Juliana extended her hand to thank him for hosting the party and he pulled her in for a small, friendly hug. As he did, he leaned into her ear and whispered so lightly she could’ve fainted, “Merry Christmas, my love.” A warm tingle spread over her and she took a deep breath of him as he pulled away when Erich approached, his eyes fixed on her the entire time. 

John and Erich exchanged handshakes. “Thank you for dinner, John. It’s always an honor to spend time with your family.”

“If only we had more time Erich, I’d suggest that we would do it more often,” John replied.

Erich and Lucy each gave Helen a hug and thanked her.

Lucy and Nicole kissed cheek-to-cheek. “It was so great to meet you Nicole,” Lucy exclaimed.

“I am serious, I would love to host you in Berlin sometime. I’ll contact you after I finish with my work in America.”

“Call me next time you are in New York,” Lucy said.

“I’d love that,” replied Nicole with a sultry smile.

“Erich,” Nicole said, finally acknowledging his presence. He kissed her hand, and nodded.

Nicole exchanged a quick pleastry with Juliana, followed by a gentle hug. She turned to Joe and gave him a tight embrace, “Bis später, Josef Heusmann.”

“I’ll see you around Nicole.” Joe replied as she walked away to taxi.

Erich helped Lucy into the car and they began their short ride home.

“Woo, that was certainly more exciting than I had expected. You could cut the tension in that house with a knife. Well, I still enjoyed myself,” Erich’s tipsy wife giggled. “Was the dinner like the old Christmas dinners you had as a child?”

“To be honest, Helen’s sauerbraten was a little chewy.”  

“Yeah, I kind of miss roast goose, well, to be honest, I miss the dressing and mashed potatoes.” They shared a laugh. He loved how bubbly and full of life she was; how did he ever get so lucky.

Erich was a serious man in a serious line of work. Although he was handsome, his reserved nature had never lent itself well to finding a wife. Lucy was a godsend; his only regret was that she had to go through so much trauma for them to even meet. How she kept her spirit after being kidnapped and her husband being executed was proof of how everyone underestimated exactly how strong she was.

“I love you Lucy.”

“Aww, I love you too Erich.”

“You seemed to get along well with Nicole,” Erich stated, trying to change the conversation.

“Nicole is just so fascinating, she lives such a glamourous life that I didn’t think was possible...”  Lucy implied “anymore” but didn’t say it. Anyone with a memory of America’s past would likely think the same, there was no crime in that. Lucy continued, “She’s strikingly beautiful, don’t you think?”

Though the questioned seem innocent, he wondered if she was testing him. “Well she is Lebensborn,” Erich replied safely.

“Does that turn you on?” she jested.

“No, I only have eyes for you my dear,” though he had to admit Nicole may have been one of the most beautiful women he had ever met.

“She kind of turned me on,” Lucy admitted.  Erich’s head snapped in bewilderment. “I don’t know, there was just something about her. I mean, I’ve never had thoughts like that.” She turned her body towards him, “I mean, what if you could have eyes for both of us?” Erich realized he was swerving and tried to focus back on the road.

Lucy leaned in close to Erich’s ear and whispered, “What if... you could watch us kiss?” Lucy was always prone to letting her imagination run wild, especially when she had been drinking. One of the many little things that Erich loved about her.

“What if... you could watch us slowly undress each other?” Lucy’s hand tugged back her dress at the cleavage, exposing part of her nipple.

“What if... you watched my hands caress her body?” she said as she traced her hand down slowly to her thigh.

“What if... we asked you to join us in bed?”

Erich finally allowed himself into his wife’s fantasy. He envisioned his gorgeous wife naked in their bed, her soft delicate body and perfect curves. The Lebensborn, slim and fit with her sharp features, pinning down his soft delicate wife, kissing her. He wanted to ravish them both more than he wanted anything in the world.

“What if....”  The car stopped with a jolt and Erich kissed her soft lips before she could finish her thought.

“Let’s go upstairs.”

  
*****

Erich awoke from a rapping on the door, his wrists still aching from the silk neckties his wife had used to tie him up. Lucy was still fast asleep but she could sleep through a Japanese invasion. He could hardly make out the time on the clock hands across the room but he was pretty sure it was almost 3:00 a.m.

He climbed out of bed and fetched a robe. Glancing over at his nightstand, he contemplated if he should also take his pistol.  He silently exited the bedroom and went down the stairs to the window next to the door.  

There was a parked car in front of his house but he couldn’t see who was at the door from that angle.

Just as he began to open the door a sudden rush of dread flowed through him. Behind the door was…

nothing.

 

“Hello?” Erich said meekly, not wanting to wake any neighbors.

 

 _Silence_.

 

He closed the door and turned back towards the stairs, when he realized a man was standing right behind him.

 

Not just a man. _Joe Blake._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it...Joe Blake is a force to be reckoned with. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and thanks to those who’ve left kudos/feedback!💕 😚


	35. Man of Honor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juliana connects with an old acquaintance and finds herself more troubled than ever...

“Lucy, Lucy, calm down sweetie! Shhh, calm down, I can’t understand what you’re telling me,” said Juliana. She squinted her eyes and peered over to the clock. It was 6:45 am.

Lucy took several deep inhalations, trying her best to settle her hysteria. “Th-they just ccc-came and ttt-took Erich,” she stammered.

“Who’s _they_?”

“SS. They banged so loudly on the door...I was so frightened. Before we could even answer it, they forced their way into the house. They told Erich he was being sent away on a special assignment from Himmler,” she said between sobs, her voice trembling so uncontrollably she thought she might pass out. “He looked at me...” she paused, attempting to fight herself from breaking down again, “he looked at me with such a fear in his eyes Juliana...like he’d never see me again. I-I’ve never seen a man’s face look like that. It was bone-chilling.”

“Did they say how long he’d be gone? Where he was going?”

“No. He asked if he could have a few minutes alone with me and they refused. Juliana, I’m so scared. I’ve already lost one husband...I can’t lose another!” She broke down once again and Juliana flinched at the harsh sound of the receiver banging on the floor.

“Lucy! Lucy! Are you alright?!” Juliana screamed. 

Joe walked out of the bathroom nonchalantly. “What’s going on?” 

There was an eerie disconnect between Joe’s body language and his speech. As if he knew she’d be receiving the phone call, but supposed he should respond to Juliana’s obvious agitation in order to remove suspicion.

She didn’t want to tell him anything, and yet she knew she would have to produce some kind of viable explanation for her hysteria. 

“It’s Lucy,” she said, rummaging through her dresser drawer to gather clothes as quickly as she could. “No one really knows yet, but she’s newly pregnant. She’s bleeding quite a bit and she called me, panicked. I need to go check on her.”

He firmly gripped her forearm to stop her. “Juliana, she has a husband. She has a doctor. You don’t need to be involved. It’s not your business,” he said, his voice demanding. 

“Joe, she’s my best friend. I’m worried about her; I need to go.”

His eyes were piercing and she knew she was dangerously close to triggering a wrathful response from him but her love for Lucy overpowered her fear and she shook her arm free. “I’m going to her,” she spat, “and you’re _not_ going to stop me!” 

Everything about his rage-filled demeanor shook her to her core. Much to Juliana’s surprise, though he still maintained his steely glare with her, he pursed his lips and allowed her to continue.. Something seemed to have clicked in his head, as if he’d suddenly been reminded of an important detail which caused him to curtail his impending aggression.

“Fine. Don’t be long. You have your own baby to think about,” Joe said flatly. 

She nodded and raced to the bedroom to get dressed, pleased with herself that she’d managed to concoct a believable pretext and deliver it so convincingly. Whatever had happened to Erich, Joe was somehow involved with it. There was no doubt.

 

******  
  


  
An hour later, Juliana arrived at the Raeder’s Long Island home, barely remembering to shut the back door of the car after she thanked the driver and bolted up the walkway. 

Not wanting to further panic her friend, she cautiously opened the front door which was unlocked.

“Lucy, Lucy it’s Juliana, I’m coming inside.”

As she unbuttoned her coat and tossed it on the couch, Lucy walked down the hall, trance-like, drying her dampened cheeks with a tea towel as she approached Juliana.

“Lucy, oh thank God you’re okay! I was so worried about you,” she said, covering her cheeks in kisses and hugging her tightly. Lucy stood there woodenly for several seconds before timidly reaching her hand up to Juliana’s back to return the embrace. 

Juliana gently grasped her arm and guided her to the couch to sit down. “Lucy listen to me now,” she said softly, brushing down her rumpled hair, “I’ve never known anyone who wanted to be a mother as badly as you. The best thing to do is take care of yourself. Panicking won’t do you a bit of good. You understand?”

Lucy wiped a tear away and rested her head on Juliana’s shoulder. She was instantly comforted by the strength Juliana seem to be exuding.

Just where Juliana had found her strength in that moment, she wasn’t exactly sure, but she was more than grateful that she could be there for her dear friend in her hour of need. So many times Lucy had been there for her, it felt satisfying to offer her some semblance of comfort and support.   
  
Juliana wondered if Erich even knew about his baby. She had only found out last night herself. The dinner party hadn’t afforded them many opportunities to talk privately, but in the short chance they’d had, Lucy had pulled her off to the side and divulged the good news, telling her that she didn’t want to overshadow she and Joe’s baby announcement with her own.

As she came out of the kitchen with a pot of tea and set it on the coffee table, Juliana contemplated everything Lucy had shared with her. She blinked hard and her stomach riled as she suddenly remembered something that she couldn’t believe she’d forgotten. 

“I woke up early this morning, I think about 5:00 am,” she began, “and I had to use the bathroom. When I got back in bed, I realized Joe was gone. I couldn’t find him anywhere, then I noticed a small note on the nightstand. Looked like he’d written it in a hurry. He just wrote that he had to go into work early.”

“Do you think Joe had something to do with Erich being sent away?” Lucy said as she abruptly moved her mouth away from her teacup and unsteadily set it back down on the saucer. 

“I don’t know,” Juliana said hoarsely, “but my instinct tells me he does...” she trailed off. “Since he’s been back, honestly, I can’t seem to make sense of anything.” She let out a long, afflicted sigh and leaned back into the couch, staring down at her belly while she caressed it. She clenched her jaw to fight back her own tears now, wanting to stay strong for Lucy. “I just want to do what’s best for the baby.”

Lucy’s eyes were fixed on her abdomen a moment, then she covered her hand over Juliana’s where it rested on her belly protectively and quietly said, “I know.”

Lucy wanted to say how much she wished Juliana and John could be together, how each of them had looked so depressed last night, especially when they thought no one was watching; she had most definitely noticed every warm glance they’d exchanged. Though they hadn’t been obvious, if you were as well acquainted with them as she, it was clear as day how they wanted to quit the maddening noise of the party and run into the others’ arms and never leave. But she wouldn’t tell her, it would be cruel to encourage it.

“Maybe you can ask John...he might know what’s going on. After all, Erich is his aide,” Lucy said, with the merest ray of hope in her trembling voice. 

Juliana nodded in agreement. She instantly realized she had talk to Tagomi and she had to do it as soon as possible. Maybe he would provide the missing pieces of the puzzles swirling around in her mind. Mysteries surrounding Joe. And now Erich.   
  
“I’ll try my best...I can’t make any promises,” she said, pulling Lucy in for a hug, “I’ll try my best.”

 

*****  
  


Juliana fidgeted with her purse strap in her seat as she waited for the officer to return. She watched the snow gracefully falling outside from the large window, such a disturbing contrast to the harsh militaristic atmosphere where she was sitting.

It had been a month now since she’d left Lucy’s crying embrace. Today was the first opportunity she’d been free of Joe’s watchful eye to fulfill her promise to find out about Erich. Her husband had left early this morning and wasn’t due to return until dinner time.   
  
She’d been in his office one other time, why was she so nervous? Maybe it was the formality of meeting with him in his place of work. Perhaps it was the terrifying reminder of John’s high-ranking position. _His_  reality.

It was easy to forget his occupation in private or even social settings when he was in casual dress, as if he were just any other typical man. But here... Oh God there was no denying that the man she loved so powerfully was buried undeniably deep into this dark machine. This regime of dominance. Autocracy. Unyieldingly cruelty. Death. It was easy to see how hopeless one could become shrouded in such blackness. 

“Mrs. Blake, the Reichsmarschall will see you now,” the officer said.

Instantly her heart was in her throat.

John stood from where he sat behind his desk, eyes instantly locking on her as soon as he dismissed the officer and the thud of the heavy door was heard. He had resisted every urge he’d had to not contact her in the last month. Now here she was, standing before his eyes with love written all over her face...love he’d never felt deserving of. 

Did he stand any chance of resisting her? Was he a fool to think he could even attempt it? Disciplining himself to hang up the phone or to not drive to her apartment had been hard enough, but he’d plucked up the nerve to stay away, for she and their baby’s sake. But now she was so close...so real...he felt his resolve melting almost immediately.

In what seemed like a blink she was in front of him, standing so close; he could smell her perfume. Chanel no. 5, of course. He could drown in it. 

John cupped her cheek while he stared forlornly into her eyes. His gaze fell down to her lips, and further down to her stomach- which was now taking on a much rounder, protruding appearance. He reached a hand up to caress it, affectionately and lightly pressing around in several places to tenderly assess the development. John moved down to grab her hand and pull it up to the side of his face. He briefly closed his eyes before kissing the hand several times, similar to a sailor who’d been long lost at sea and desperately clutches at dry land, bringing a handful of sand up to his face in gratitude.

She closed her eyes tightly, needing to receive his touch as badly as he needed to give it. And that was enough for the moment. Fulfilling just to be in one another’s presence. 

He categorically avoided her lips, entirely sure that he wouldn’t be able to control himself once he’d felt her silky kiss. A kiss and a mouth and a body which he’d hungered for in the month he’d been deprived.  
  
He surmised that she, too, appeared to have the same thought, as she blinked and turned her head away to look out the window... attempting to refocus herself.

“John, I need to call Tagomi,” she said, sounding more business-like than intended.

“He hasn’t contacted you?” he asked, gently releasing her hand. He hated to lie to her, swore he never would...but fear had kept him from calling Tagomi back to give him Juliana’s number.

“No, and I’m beginning to worry. That’s mainly why I’m here. I’d like to call him from your office.”

John raked a hand down his face and searched her eyes. It would do no good to keep denying her, he knew very well she would find a way on her own, regardless of his aid in the matter. 

“Alright.” 

He bent to open a desk drawer and pulled out a phone, along with a slip of paper with the number. “This line is private but be extremely cognizant of what you discuss with him. If he begins to tell you anything controversial, either hang up or firmly re-direct the conversation.” He dialed the number and handed her the receiver. 

She nodded and sat down on the chair he had grabbed for her. 

“Greetings, Ms. Crain,” Tagomi said in his stiff Japanese manner that she knew well. “Or should I say Mrs. Blake? I hear congratulations are in order.”

“Thank you, Trade Minister,” Juliana replied.

“It is my sincerest hope that life in the east coast pleases you.”

“It’s been a major adjustment, but one I felt I had no choice but to make.”

“I am glad to hear this.” He cleared his throat. “When I was married, my family gifted my wife and I a tea cup. It was beautiful, exquisite, detailed. Unfortunately, the cup broke during the war. I put it back together, but the cup is not the same. What holds it together now is not what held it together before. It will never be the same, nor hold the same significance to me. Next time you are in California, I would very much like to give it to you as a gift.”

Was Tagomi trying to tell her something? What did he mean, ‘the cup is not the same’ and ‘what holds it together is not the same or hold the same significance for him?’

“I would be honored to accept that. Only, I’m not sure if I can get the cup until June, because I am due to have a baby in May. Is that too long or should I make another arrangement?”

“Hmm, I hope that will not be too late, Mrs. Blake. This cup, I’m afraid, is so very fragile, you see, that I fear it may break again before you’re able to receive it. Do you...understand?”

Juliana’s heart was wildly racing now, she glanced over to John; his lips were held against his steepled hands as he returned her gaze. Certainly Tagomi was referring to Joe, but she wasn’t entirely sure. 

“I believe I do, Trade Minister. 

“I’m told your husband underwent some training in Berlin before returning to Manhattan. How interesting that he was able to reconnect so quickly with you. This is most... _unfortunate_...I believe.”

“Anata no go shinsetsu ni kansha shimasu. ( _Thank you for you kindness)._  I look forward to our reunion.”

“As do I. Please be cautious. Danger lurks where we may least suspect it. I see you’re calling from the Reichsmarschall’s office. May I please speak with him?”

“Yes, he’s right here. Goodbye, Tagomi-san.”

“Goodbye, Juliana. Be well.”

The concern in his voice, coupled with his ominous warning, immediately struck fear in her heart. Juliana nervously handed the phone to John. 

“Trade Minister.”

“Reichsmarschall, I understand your merits have helped raise you to the protector of what is left of your homeland. Your priority may lie on keeping the balance in this world, to protect your people… I am afraid there is a project underway just to your west that has consequences for beyond that. I’m compelled to lend you this warning, Reichsmarschall, as an expression of my gratitude for your efforts. Your subordinate, Mr. Blake, may have different priorities now...” 

John paused, trying to puzzle together what the Trade Minister was saying.

“May I ask you to please look after Juliana Crain, that she and her child remain safe under your hospitality?”

“I’ll see to it, Trade Minister. You have my word.”

John slowly hung up the phone. Truthfully he was shocked Tagomi had entrusted such a task to him; they were complete strangers and essentially enemies. Somehow, he must be under the impression that he and Juliana were more than acquaintances, just how he had gleaned that information in and of itself was troubling. He recalled Kido paying him a visit and commenting on his displayed medal from the Solomon Islands. He would think about it more after Juliana left.

John studied Juliana intently; her chest rose and fell nervously as she stared down at her lap. He could tell the conversation had disturbed her, visibly, but he wanted to give her space. Twenty years of service in the SS had astutely trained his already astute mind; John knew the Trade Minister’s intentions with Juliana were noble. Her expressions and demeanor during the conversation were akin to those of a granddaughter seeking advice from a grandfather and he regretted that he’d delayed their call.

“Are you glad you spoke to him?” he finally asked, quietly.

“Yes,” she answered, her voice shaking in a way that tugged at his heart. He hated to see her so unsettled. As much as he wanted to know every detail of the conversation, he wouldn’t ask; it would be her choice to disclose that to him or not.

“Good.”

“There are so few people who one can truly trust in this world. And I believe....I _know_...he is a good man; ‘Meiyo aru otoko’, a man of honor, truly.”

There was so much he wanted to learn about her still..she was a fascinating creature and he couldn’t get enough. He wanted to spend time with her everyday...everywhere. 

“I’ve never heard you speak Japanese before. I’m mostly accustomed to hearing Japanese spoken by high-ranking officials, all men, and I’ve always thought it to be a harsh sounding language.” He smiled at her and hooked a piece of hair behind her ear. “But you make it sound so...beautiful.” He could see her eyes were wet now so he reached out to squeeze her shoulder in comfort.

Juliana smiled, “I had to take Japanese every year in school, from 4th grade through high school. Guess you could say I picked up a thing or two.”

She leaned into him, her mouth grazing the shell of his ear, “Anata nashidewa ikite ikenai.”

“What does it mean?” he asked, feeling his groin twitch as she purred in his ear.

She smirked. “Now that would spoil my fun, wouldn’t it?”

“Ah, you little temptress...”

Juliana bit her bottom lip and focused her eyes on his mouth. She had almost zero resistance where he was concerned so she quickly reset herself and opted to voice her concerns before she drowned in a sea of desire.

“Tagomi doesn’t trust Joe,” she blurted, “ I think he’s made his acquaintance and knows a great deal more than we do about his professional undertakings.”

John slowly nodded. “I’ll make sure you see him.” 

“What happened to Erich? Lucy is beside herself, thinking the worst has happened.”

He was taken aback by how quickly she was shifting topics, but their time was always finite so he understood why. Erich Raeder’s whereabouts had been tormenting him as of late also, amidst his other copious concerns which had rendered him many sleepless nights. 

“I wish I knew. There is a new Sturmbannfuhrer in place and I was provided no explanations for his disappearance.”

“Joe had left a note for me the morning that Erich disappeared.” Juliana’s eyes searched John’s in desperation, her mind yearning for answers with the same vigor that her heart wanted to run from those answers. “John, I think that Jo-”

“Don’t...” He walked up behind her where she now stood at the window, looking out, and gently held her shoulders. Her hair was pinned up in a twist, exposing the nape of her dainty neck and taunting him mercilessly. “Sweetheart, please...don’t finish your sentence.” He turned her around to face him and lifted her chin. “Please trust me. Please. I won’t let any harm come to you, my sweet girl.”

He ran the side of his index finger over her cheek. In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to kiss her with such utter abandon...to tell her how he longed to whisk her away on a sailboat to some far away island where no one could find them and make love to her endlessly. Oh if he could even have her for a week, all to himself...what he wouldn’t give!  
  
John took a deep breath and continued. “Things are scary, I know, but you must stay the course. Please, try your best to make a life with Joe. Don’t give him the slightest reason to doubt your devotion.” He tenderly pressed his lips against her forehead. “Do you believe me?” 

She closed her eyes tightly, slowly nodding. “I had a doctor appointment yesterday. My bloodwork came back good. The baby is healthy John.”

He let out a deep sigh, not realizing he’d been holding his breath. “Wonderful, just wonderful,” he smiled and kissed her temple. 

Just then the office phone rang, so loudly Juliana jumped in surprise, heart pounding. His answered it hastily. The exchange was brief but the expression on his face was instantly transformed into concern. 

“There is an unscheduled meeting I need to attend,” he said with a sigh, cursing himself for forgetting the time.

A fist pounded at his office door. John sped across the room to open it. Juliana’s blood pressure spiked as she watched Himmler pompously march into the room which now seemed ten times smaller. 

Juliana awkwardly saluted him, her mind racing in anticipation of what their next move would be.

“Good afternoon, Mrs. Blake. What brings you to the Reichsmarschall’s office? He’s a very busy man, as I’m sure you know. Superfluous... _diversions_...which keep him from doing his valuable work for the GNR, are not welcomed.”

Juliana smiled coyly, desperate to employ any asset she had to de-escalate the encounter which was precariously threatening to implode. “I assure you Mein Fuhrer, I would never... _divert_...the Reichsmarschall from his duties. In fact, I was just leaving. Thank you for your time, Reichsmarschall. Good day gentlemen,” she said, more calmly than she imagined she ever could be in his presence. “I’ll see myself out.”

“Good day, Mrs. Blake,” Himmler replied, sharply. 

 

*****

 

Juliana checked her mail in the lobby, empty as usual. She realized she had been avoiding returning to her apartment, even if Joe was out of town. Unfortunately, her aching feet wanted to relax. Maybe she would take a bath, she mused. These days, she often found refuge in the bath; a place where she could let her thoughts linger. 

She entered the elevator and selected the tenth floor. Suddenly, a hand caught the doors just before they closed shut causing them to bounce back open.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there... _John_!” Juliana squealed as she recognized the tall dark man. John selected the third floor and then pressed her against the far wall, kissing her.

“I’ve missed you,” he whispered into her ear.  The warm blast of his breath whipped along Juliana’s neck. John yanked her peacoat open and grabbed at her breast. His thigh thrust between her legs, instantly awakening her bundle of nerves into a throbbing ache. She’d wanted him so bad in his office, having wished for him to ruck up her dress and bend her over onto his desk. He kissed her hungrily and she shuddered against him as his tongue plundered her mouth.

The elevator bell rang too soon as Juliana would gladly have stayed in the elevator for eternity. “I need you,” John growled passionately. He grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the lift and they raced down the hall to Erich’s apartment. John and Juliana’s sanctuary.

As John pulled out his keys, Juliana pushed him against the door with a loud thud and matched his kiss from earlier. “I can’t live without you...that’s what I whispered to you earlier,” she hummed against his lips. 

Her hand immediately found the large bulge in his pants and gave it a gentle squeeze. She loved him more passionately than she’d loved any man, but right now she had one thing and one thing only on her hormone laden sex-starved mind. His body.   

John dropped the keys and Juliana dropped to her knees to fetch them. Before she handed them back, she traced her finger along the seam of his pants and then unzipped it. She grasped his hard member through his underwear and relinquished the keys back to him. Juliana giggled to herself at how distracting she was as John kept fumbling with the lock.

Just as she was pulling down the waistband of his underwear John said in confusion, “No, they changed the lock. Already?”

Suddenly, a neighboring door opened. As a man’s head peeked out of the doorway, Juliana pulled her hand away from John and closed her peacoat as tight against her as she could.  Both she and John were flustered.

She recognized the older gentleman. He had held the door for her a few times and even shared the elevator with her… and Joe.

“Oh, um… they moved his belongings out the other day. You will have to contact the office to get his forwarding information, if there is any.”  John had turned away but it was probably too late. He had made sure to pull his overcoat tight so his uniform was hidden but everyone on the eastern seaboard would recognize his chiseled face.

“Thank you,” Juliana replied, “we didn’t know, we will contact them immediately.” The man retreated back to his apartment. Juliana looked back at John who was glaring up at the air vent. “Oh no,” she screamed to herself in terror.

“I don’t think it is safe for us anymore, Juliana. We’re endangering your child.” John said in a cold but desperate voice. She knew exactly why he said, ‘your child’, but for some reason it still hurt. Juliana held back her tears as they slowly walked back to the elevator. This world was surely hell.

John pressed the up arrow at the elevator control and turned to Juliana. He pulled her into him and gave her a long, hard kiss. A goodbye kiss. 

Again, the elevator bell rang too soon; Juliana floated into the lift. As she looked back at John almost every emotion flowed through her at once.  ”I love you,” he mouthed as the doors closed on his beautiful image, which now wore an expression of defeat and despondency.

 

And then she was alone.

 

Juliana traipsed down the empty hallway towards her new home. Her hand shook as she tried unsuccessfully to insert her key into the lock. The wooden door looked exactly as the one a few floors down but Juliana didn’t want the life that was behind this one. The tears began to stream down her face; she couldn’t bear to turn the knob.

The door abruptly opened. Joe was on the other side.  “Juliana, are you ok?” His voice feigned sincerity.

“No, I…” Juliana froze when she spotted a beautiful blonde woman sitting on their couch.  She was the woman from the solstice, Nicole Dormer.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know things seem dark, but obviously the material in canon is dark and dystopic so I’m trying to keep it somewhat believable. But I will make good on my promise of a happier, lovelier chapter...it’s already in my head xo
> 
> Thanks for the continued interest and support! Feedback is fabulous but not necessary!😚


	36. Fantasies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Helen are forced to deal with a pressing family matter and John attempts to collect on a favor. Juliana’s pregnancy rapidly progresses and she finds herself in an interesting situation at her baby shower.

“Mom I can braid my own hair,” Amy said petulantly, reaching her hand around to still her mother’s fingers from parting her tresses. 

“Since when are you too big for me to do your hair?” Helen stiffly retorted, sitting down beside Amy on the bed.

Amy huffed. “For awhile now mom.”

”Oh, well my apologies. I didn’t realize you’d learned.”

“Julia taught me...when you were gone in Indiana.”

“Oh. I see,” Helen said with a distinct edge to her voice, Amy noted. “You don’t call her Miss Mills?” 

“Well she’s Mrs. Blake now, Mom,” Amy giggled innocently.   
  
“I meant when she stayed here. Didn’t you call her Miss Mills? I taught you better than that.”

Amy scrunched her face. “No. We always called her Julia. Daddy too.”

Unbeknownst to Amy she was unearthing a carefully buried firestorm in her mother with each response she freely offered.   
  
“Hmm. How remiss of Daddy to allow you two to forget your manners. Tell me, how did everyone get along when Mrs. Blake was here? Was Daddy friendly with her?”

“Oh yes, they got along great. She was a big help and she let us talk to her when we were sad after Thomas left and you went away. He had Martha teach her how to cook. She got Daddy to play games with us...” Amy smiled in reminiscence.

“Did Daddy seem to”....she cleared her throat, “enjoy spending time with her?”

Without hesitation Amy quickly nodded. “Oh yes, he was very happy. In fact,” she smiled, “it was nice to see Daddy smile and laugh again. I thought he’d forgotten how to have fun,” Amy said with a small chuckle. 

Helen forced a smile. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d heard him laugh or have fun either. “Well I’m glad to hear it sweetheart. Those were very dark days and I’m grateful you all had her to help out. Goodnight dear,” her voice crackled. 

“Oh and mom, you should talk to Jenny. She said the school nurse called her down to the clinic today.”

Helen’s face morphed from sullen to terrified in seconds. “Thank you Amy, I’ll do that.”

She nervously left the room and crossed the hall to knock on Jennifer’s door. 

”Come in.”

”Hi sweetie. Your sister just mentioned something about you visiting the school nurse today,” Helen said weakly.   
  
Jennifer looked down and squeezed her eyes closed. “Most of the girls in my class have started their cycles already. She asked me if I had started mine. Don’t be mad at me mom, but I lied to her and told her I hadn’t,” Jennifer said, now teary-eyed and trembling. “I’m scared...what if I have the same thing Thomas did? I don’t want them to kill me! I don’t wanna die!” she sobbed hysterically. 

Helen rushed to sit beside her on the bed and pulled her head against her chest in a tight embrace. “Shh, shh, don’t say such things. No one is going to kill you, I won’t let them Jennifer,” she said, sobbing herself. “I just won’t let them.”

”What’s going on?”, John asked, stroking his chin as he walked over to where they sat.

He knew he’d surprised Helen with being home nearly two hours before she was expecting him, but he’d really been making a point to spend more time with the girls. His goal was to try to tuck them in at least three nights a week, well, Amy at least. Jennifer had grown distant as of late and it was beginning to perturb him. He wasn’t ready to deal with her growing up. He’d missed out on so much of her childhood that lately he’d felt a compulsive need to make up for all of his absences.   
  
“We’ll talk about it privately, John,” Helen answered. “Jenny don’t worry about anything, alright? Leave that to your father and I,” she said, kissing her forehead. 

“Okay,” Jennifer sniffled.   
  
Helen left them and John sat down in her place beside Jennifer. He searched her eyes, wanting to truthful but scared to make any more promises with absolute certainty. He took a deep breath and smoothed her hair.

“Jenny, with everything that happened to your brother, I can understand your fears. Please, be extremely mindful in choosing your friends and what you to discuss with them. Your mother and I have taught you to never lie, but in this case, I’m glad you did as I instructed you to and withheld the information from the nurse. I need you to keep to your story for now while I’m working on a solution. Understand sweetheart?” John asked softly, staring at her with an openness and vulnerability she wasn’t accustomed to.  
  
“Yes daddy,” she sniveled and clung onto him like a lifeline. “I love you.”

John’s heart swelled to bursting. He was so grateful for her warm embrace, however the instant anxiety he felt due to how much trust she placed in him was causing his heart to race uncontrollably. But he knew what he needed to do. It’s what he’d planned on doing for months now. He sighed and kissed her cheek, “I love you too, beautiful, more than you know. Sleep well.”  
  
John walked into his bedroom, a room he could no longer manage to feel comfortable in. Too much deception, too much pain. He began unbuttoning his uniform coat as Helen walked out of the bathroom. 

“John. She won’t be able to keep lying about her period. We’re running out of moves.”

“Don’t you think I know that Helen?” he retorted, his expression hard. “I’ll handle it,” he said gruffly. 

“I won’t lose another child.”

He smirked and angrily and shook his head. “We made this choice together Helen. You and I— _together._ ” Though anger for her had begun roaring through his veins, guilt kept him in check and he bit his tongue in as submissive a demeanor as he was capable. “I grieve for Thomas, the same as you. I miss him every day, the same as you. Allowing myself to unravel in my sadness just wasn’t an option for me. I’ve had to keep strong for our girls, and I’ll continue to do so.”

When he looked at Helen’s eyes, he read what appeared to be understanding, for the first time in so long. Sadness mingled with understanding. She walked closer to him-now within arm’s reach.

“You’re right. Thank you, for trying to keep them safe. _Me_ , safe,” she added, resting her hand on his forearm.

John sensed that she wanted to say more, but the words didn’t come. 

He raised his eyes up to hers and allowed himself to really look at her, something he hadn’t done in a long time. A part of him knew if they held their gaze too long, she would ask him questions he didn’t want to answer.   
  
He lightly tapped her hand where is rested, then gently removed it before nodding in response. 

As he washed his face at the bathroom sink, he wondered if Helen was still seeing Dr. Ryan. Once again, he surprised himself at the realization that he was fairly indifferent, either way. John sincerely hoped she had found happiness with him. For some reason, that night as he lay on his side in bed, he knew with complete certainty that neither he nor Helen would find joy in their marriage again. 

 

*****  
  


“Reichsmarschall, to what do I owe the pleasure? Is everything alright? Helen?” Dr. Ryan asked as he held his office door open for John to enter.

“Daniel, please call me John.”

“Certainly. Have a seat, let’s talk.”

John shook his head, “I don’t have much time. I’ll stand, thanks. Let me cut right to the chase. I’m sure you knew the day would eventually come that I’d call in a favor. Today’s that day.”

“Of course, I’ll do the best I can. What do you need?” he asked. John could tell he was attempting to quell his nervousness.

“My oldest daughter, Jennifer, is of age now and she’s due to undergo the regulatory testing. The possibility exists that she will test positive for the same genetic disorder that afflicted Thomas. I need you to make sure her results are reported as being clean.”

Ryan eyes widened and his face immediately flushed. Good thing he wasn’t in the SS, John mused; he wouldn’t last a day.

“John I have no way to do that. That’s a completely different department. It would be impossible,” he sighed and shook his head, “I can’t guarantee that it wouldn’t be found out.”

John was fully aware that what he was tasking him with was extraordinarily difficult and supremely risky, but he schooled his face into neutral apathy, knowing his daughter’s fate rested in this mans hands; he had no other viable options and this was the plan he’d had for Dr. Ryan from day one. Of course the option always existed that he would take a direct approach to the matter, something he was prepared to do only if he had no choice. 

“Daniel do I strike you as a man who takes no for an answer?” he said with a smirk as he struck a match against his boot to light his cigarette. 

  
*****

 

                  **~Three Months Later~**  
**  
**

It was the first warm day of spring and Juliana was thrilled. She’d decided about midway through the season that she detested northeast winters. If it wasn’t bitterly cold, it was depressingly gray and bleak; neither scenario suited her. Somehow, she was finding herself quite homesick as of late, a plight she never thought she’d be afflicted with. Perhaps it was her impending motherhood, she concluded, that was prompting her thoughts to drift back to San Francisco.   
  
Juliana stepped out of the car and smoothed her dress as she began to walk down the Smith’s driveway. She wasn’t entirely sure how it had happened, but Helen Smith was hosting a baby shower for her, along with Lucy’s assistance. Neither would take no for an answer despite her polite insistence for them not to. So it was here she found herself on a Saturday morning, looking and feeling quite pregnant, ringing the door bell of the home on 5026 Roxboro Drive. With the exception of a few SS recreational events, Juliana hadn’t seen John or spoke to him on the phone. The likelihood of encountering him today was low, but she braced herself as the front door opened and tried to calm her nerves.

“There you are, come on in dear,” Helen said as she kissed her cheek and guided her inside. Why was Helen being so warm to her? Why did she volunteer before anyone else to host her shower? Maybe she’d decided to turn her jealousy into gratitude for her help with the girls while she was gone? Lucy might know; she would set up a morning next week to meet her for coffee and try to find out more.

Juliana’s eyes scanned the room to take in the beautiful fresh floral arrangements and decorations surrounding her. “Everything looks so beautiful, thank you so much ladies,” she smiled. 

“It was my pleasure, truly,” Helen smiled, “the girls were a big help too. They really wanted to do something special for you,” she said, offered them a pleased grin to them as they continued setting food out on the table. 

“I can’t thank you enough girls. This is wonderful,” Juliana said with a wink and motioned for them to come over to her. 

Jennifer and Amy tucked into Juliana’s arms with such ease that she instinctively searched to find Helen’s eyes; she was surprised to find Helen already looking at her. No doubt she was envious of the close relationship that the trio clearly shared. What she wouldn’t give to know exactly what Helen was thinking at that moment. 

Besides the hostesses, Mary Jane, Martha, and several other ladies from the Nazi Women’s League were in attendance. Juliana was thankful it was no more than that. While she loved spending time with Jennifer, Amy, and Lucy, she could easily dispense with the others and was fairly convinced they would be attempting to elicit information of some kind. She couldn’t figure out their motives. Perhaps it was just her own paranoia which she could never seem to shake. Joe’s absence had been brought up on numerous occasions now, as well as life in the Pacific States.

Each place setting had a handmade papier-mâché stork. The menu was tea party fare with hors d’oeuvres, finger sandwiches, fresh fruit, coffee, and punch. Juliana was fairly taken aback by the time and expense put into the event. No one had ever gone to such lengths for her with regards to a party and she was quite touched by the gesture. 

After everyone finished up eating, Lucy assembled the guests in a circle in preparation for a few games. 

“Ok ladies, we’re going to put on blindfolds and try to diaper and dress a doll in two minutes, before the timer goes off. Whoever’s doll looks the best wins!” Lucy said with a grin. She herself had started to show in the last week and Juliana couldn’t help but be thrilled for her dear friend who had suffered so much sadness. Pregnancy suited her and she seemed to always have a rosy glow these days. 

“It’s a good thing you girls had so many dolls to contribute to our game!” Mary Jane giggled.   
  
“And I wondered why mom asked us to bring out all of our dolls,” Amy said smiling. Helen winked at her.  
  
“I’m going to walk around and blindfold everyone,” Lucy said while she fidgeted with the stop watch. 

“Aren’t you going to play, Lucy?” Amy asked. 

“Oh, no...it’s alright. I don’t need to play. Someone needs to tie the blindfolds and keep the time.”

“I know! Daddy can help! He’s in his office.”

“He’s doing work dear, let’s not bother him,” Helen said with a quirked eyebrow.

“But Mom, he told me this morning to come get him if we needed help with anything for the party,” Amy said, working her face into a pout. 

“Oh fine dear, you may get him,” Helen conceded. 

Juliana tried to steady her pulse. They hadn’t seen each other in about two months and she’d grown quite pregnant in that time. She shifted in her seat as the baby began wildly kicking. In fact the baby had been unusually  active since the moment she’d stepped into the Smith home.   
  
Several minutes later, Amy returned, her arm happily linked through her father’s as she rejoined the party. Juliana was quick to notice that every woman in the room responded so enthusiastically to John’s presence, straightening themselves up and giggling. All of them were married. Juliana assumed that he’d always had that affect on the opposite sex. She remembered that she’d never asked him how many women he’d been with. Her thoughts didn’t get too far before his eyes found hers and her chest began thumping. 

“Hello ladies,” he said with his easy charm, “sorry to interrupt the party but I felt the need to oblige Amy when she insisted I help.”   
  
“We appreciate you being a good sport John,” Lucy smiled as she handed him the stopwatch and blindfolds. “I need you to tie these blindfolds on everyone, then set the timer for two minutes.”

John smirked, “Interesting. Well, glad to help. May the best woman win. Good luck,” he smiled. 

He proceeded with his task and started with Helen, who sat to Juliana’s immediate right, securing the blindfold tightly then moving on to the next woman. Juliana watched him work and attempted to maintain a nonchalant expression as it neared her turn. He hadn’t chanced a direct gaze to her yet, or at least she hadn’t caught it. 

Finally, he came up behind Juliana. All the others were securely blindfolded. He briefly ran his fingers through her dark tresses and proceeded to tenderly tie the black cotton fabric over her eyes; next she felt him sweep her hair to the side and gift the nape of her neck with the heat of his breath. He lingered there several seconds, then pressed his lips against her skin...he didn’t kiss her, just held his mouth there without moving.

Juliana knew the dress she wore did little to hide the fullness of her bosom and she wondered if he was staring at her chest as he stood directly behind her. She knew how much he loved her breasts and was fairly certain he was indulging himself at that moment. Her breath quickened at the thought. She became instantly dizzy upon feeling the warm moisture of his tongue on her left earlobe, stroking it several times slowly with the tip. How did he never fail in driving her absolutely wild? Juliana thought she would faint. The baby was doing somersaults in her belly and she clutched her midsection after she felt him back away.   
  
“Alright, two minutes on the clock. On your mark, get set, go!” he said with a light chuckle which she knew was a result of the affect his toying had had on her. She knew how he loved getting all of her senses throughly tuned up- he thrived off it.

Juliana fumbled to arrange the diaper and smiled as she heard John’s soft laugh continue nearby. Her awkwardness was amusing him and she resolved to abandon any hope of winning the contest; she’d be lucky to not prick herself with the pins at this point.   
  
“Time’s up!” he shouted. 

Everyone slipped off their blindfolds and held up the their dolls to present them. It was obvious almost immediately that Helen was the clear winner.   
  
Laughter quickly spread through the room. “I think we’ve found our champion!” Lucy giggled, holding Helen’s doll up for admiration. “Great job Helen!”

“Guess you did have three babies to practice on,” Lucy said, instantly regretting her words once she’d said them. Helen’s face briefly clouded. “I’m sorry,” Lucy said meekly. 

Juliana watched as John’s eyes met Helen’s in a sympathetic expression. “It’s okay Lucy, you didn’t mean any harm,” she said, forcing a slight smile and giving her a little wink.   
  
“Looks like I need to practice before this baby’s born,” Juliana said, hoping to help Lucy by diverting the focus from the awkward moment.

Thankfully it worked like a charm. Everyone glanced at Juliana’s doll and laughed. “I think you’re right,” Mary Jane said, “we’ll help you dear,” she smiled. “Juliana, you haven’t mentioned if you’re hoping for a girl or a boy”...

Juliana forced her eyes to stay on Mary Jane though she desperately wanted to look at John. “I guess I haven’t thought too much about it,” she lied, “as long as the baby is healthy.”

“Yes of course dear,” Mary Jane smiled politely and took a sip of her tea, “but I guess when I was pregnant I was always secretly hoping for a certain gender.”

Juliana tilted her head to the side and pondered a moment. “A little girl would be lovely,” she said with a soft smile, “but I can’t help but also want a sweet baby boy who takes after his father.” She couldn’t resist saying it. It was true. And besides, no one was the wiser. Was John looking at her now, she wondered? 

“There’s much to love about both genders, so as you said, healthy is the hope,” Helen said as she bit her bottom lip; Juliana wondered if she was about to cry, but the moment passed and as quickly as it arrived. She noticed John had rested a hand on Helen’s shoulder. The small exhibition of intimacy should’ve bothered Juliana but it comforted her instead. He really was a good man and wanted to do right by Helen, despite his love for her.   
  
Juliana opened up what seemed to be an endless sea of presents. Many “ooh’s” and “ah’s” were heard as she held up all the  adorable little outfits and playthings. The Smiths had gotten her a beautiful cherrywood crib, complete with bed linens and a whimsical moon and star mobile. It was really too generous of a gift, particularly given that Helen had hosted the party as well. But Helen told her that she felt bad her family was so far away; she also admitted to having loads of fun shopping for all of the things with the Jennifer and Amy. 

Shortly after the presents were finished, all of the guests left, except for Juliana and Lucy. Helen had started to clean up.

Juliana and Lucy were tidying up back in the kitchen, along with Jennifer. 

“Juliana, why don’t you stay the night with me tonight. We’ll have dinner and catch up. It’ll be nice,” Lucy suggested.

“I’d like that,” Juliana smiled. “very much actually.”

Juliana bent over where she stood by the sink and gripped the counter, softly moaning and taking a deep breath. 

“Are you okay,” Jennifer asked, rushing over to her with Lucy just behind. 

Juliana smiled. “Oh I’m fine honey,” she said, letting out another small moan and pushing down a bit on her stomach. “The baby is kicking the same spot on my ribs, little stinker. I think I should sit down. Here, right here,” she said, looking down and showing her. “Want to feel the baby kick?”

“Oh yes!” Jennifer said. 

Juliana took her hand and pressed it into her belly. She pushed in a little more firmly. “There!”

“Yes! Yes! I feel it! That’s so neat!” Jennifer said, grinning from ear to ear. Juliana couldn’t help but be warmed by the sweetness of the moment.

Lucy came over and joined in. She and Juliana exchanged a smile. Helen and John came into the kitchen with flower vases and set them down. John looked over at Jennifer and Lucy, their hands still on Juliana. 

“Baby’s kicking?” Helen asked.

Juliana nodded and smiled.

“May I?” 

“Sure.”

John left the kitchen as Helen sat down next to Juliana. 

“There’s nothing like that feeling of life inside you is there?” Helen said, seeming to latch onto a distant memory. The baby stopped moving but Helen continued to keep her hands in place awhile longer. 

“No there isn’t,” Juliana agreed. 

John walked back in holding two more vases and set them down in the counter. 

“Dad, come feel the baby kick, it’s so cool,” Jennifer said. 

John shrugged his shoulders and hesitated a moment. 

“Come on John, it’s been a long time since you’ve felt a baby kick,” Helen said. “Maybe you’ll have better luck than me, I couldn’t feel anything. You try.” 

Juliana needed some air. Things were getting much too strange for her liking. Everything in her wanted nothing more than for John to feel the baby, but with Helen there it was altogether more than she could handle. And having her practically coaxing John into it was not only worrisome but downright frightening. She couldn’t help but wonder if Helen had found out. 

“Oh ok why not,” John said casually, taking a hand out of his pocket.

She felt his hand tremble as he pressed it into her. Neither looked at the other; then they both seemed to realize simultaneously that it would appear suspicious if they didn’t at least demonstrate a polite exchange. They finally sought and found each other’s face and at that exact moment the baby kicked. 

“Oh! There it is! That one’s a prize fighter,” John said. He blinked and looked down, but just before that she’d seen the tears form in his eyes. That brief, brief moment would be cherished forever. 

He pulled his hand away and cleared his throat as he started walking away. “I’d better finish here, I need to get back to my office. Duty calls, unfortunately,” he said with a sad smile. She’d noticed his immediate change from euphoric to dysphoric. Did Helen notice that too?

Juliana released her breath and winced, the baby was kicking her again and she didn’t know how much longer she could stay in that house without fainting. “Lucy I think we’d better head to your house. I think I need to lay down and rest.”

“Yes yes of course-let’s head out. I’m feeling tired myself.”

“I’ll drive you two,” Helen offered. “And I’ll have John bring over the presents when he finishes up his with his work.”

“Thank you Helen, for everything. The party was beautiful and I’ll always remember it,” she said as she hugged her. 

“My pleasure dear, now let’s get you in the car.”

Juliana felt the closest she ever had to Helen. Though she knew she was being naive to trust her, for some reason she chased the thought out of her mind and wanted to believe Helen’s kindness was genuine. She did seem sincere. After all, their children would be siblings...they shared several important connections and there was something to be said for that. 

 

*****  
  


Lucy opened the door to let John in. His arms were filled to overflowing with presents. “Thank you so much for bringing all of this,” she said.

“It was no trouble,” John said as he set down the last handful of presents on the table.

“Where’s Juliana?” he asked, not even attempting to disguise anything at this point. Lucy knew he always enjoyed the freedom of being able to think and act freely around her where Juliana was concerned.

“Her old room. Laying down. Poor thing was exhausted. I think she passed out as soon as her head hit the pillow.”

“I could tell.”

He quietly walked down the hall and stood in the doorway to the room, staring at her resting peacefully on her side. He noticed that she still had her shoes on and smiled to himself. Lucy, came up behind him and touched his shoulder.

“Go on John.”

He kept his eyes transfixed on his sleeping beauty. “I can’t. Helen’s expecting me back home and besides...I don’t think it would be good for either of us.”

“I know you’re trying to protect her, but it will do her more good than harm. Trust me.”

He tapped her hand and nodded. She walked back down the hall to give them privacy. 

Very slowly John walked up to her and slipped her shoes off, so softly she didn’t feel at first. Then he sat beside where she lay on the bed and stroked her hair with light caresses. He watched her mouth slowly form into a gentle smile and a peacefulness spread over her face, eyes still closed.

“John,” she sighed.

“Yes,” he whispered.

“I’ve missed you,” she murmured, her eyes opened to greet his.

“Not nearly as much as I’ve missed you,” he smiled. “You looked so beautiful today. I love this big belly of yours,” he said as he lovingly moved his large hands all over her stomach. 

She lightly chuckled. “I don’t feel very beautiful, I’m as big as a house...”

“Believe me when I tell you how beautiful you are. And all baby. From the back you wouldn’t even know you’re pregnant. And your hair has gotten so long,” he said, wrapping her thick, silky stands around his finger and staring at them in admiration. “Like when I first met you...before you cut it short.”

“It really has grown like crazy. Hormones I suppose,” she grinned. “Speaking of those...was it really necessary to tease my ear lobe with your tongue earlier...it’s not nice to start something you can’t finish,” she said, giving him her award-winning seductive pout. 

“Was it really necessary to wear that dress?” 

She smirked and bit her bottom lip.   
  


*****  
  


As depressed as she was to see John go, Juliana enjoyed a much needed evening with Lucy. They ate dinner and enjoyed their time together without the other ladies. These days their conversations were largely centered around pregnancy, seeing as they were both first time mothers, navigating through the plethora of changes their bodies were undergoing and exchanging advice. As she blew out the candle on the nightstand and settled under the covers though, she found her thoughts to be far away from motherhood.

‘Take your panties off,’ he’d growled into her ear after commenting on the dress she’d worn to the baby shower. His voice had been so raspy and sensual she could’ve orgasmed right there had he uttered another sentence that way.   
  
John had starting unzipping his pants when Lucy had tapped on the door, telling him that Helen had called and wanted to make sure he’d made it there with the presents. She’d handed him her thong with a wink. ‘I can’t believe you were wearing these all day and I had no idea,’ he’d said as he nuzzled into her neck. ‘I’ll be thinking of you tonight,” he’d whispered in her ear as he stuffed her panties into his pocket. He kissed her mouth with a passion that would not soon be forgotten before he left.

Now here she was, all alone in bed, tormented in lustful thoughts. Juliana crept her hand down between her legs and slid her fingers in. She groaned and began lightly rubbing that spot which now belonged to John and John alone...her fingers were already drenched in her essence. ‘I’ll be thinking of you at the same time,’ she’d retorted, affecting a sigh from deep in his chest.

Next her mind flashed to an image of John’s handsome face looking up at her from between her thighs...eyes half-lidded and drunk with desire, wearing nothing but a devilish grin...his upper arm muscles taut and flexed as he propped himself up on his elbows.

Juliana’s breathing picked up and she began mercilessly rubbing her bundle of nerves into a frenzy. Images of him ran though her mind as the tension began winding up and begging for its release...images of him thrusting into her, fitting her so well...images of him clamped onto her breast with her nipples embedded deep into his needy mouth...

Juliana let out an unabashed moan as she met her release- followed by a loud, exasperated sigh. God she wanted him, there beside her- _always_. She drew the covers up to her chest and let sleep wrap her in its welcoming arms.

  
*****

  
John had been reading the same memo for almost twenty minutes now. No matter how hard he tried, the letters couldn’t keep his focus.

All he could think about was Juliana. 

Almost instinctively, he reached for his pocket and retrieved the white thong she had given him at Lucy’s house earlier. He placed the panties underneath his nose and took a long drag. The intoxicating aroma of Juliana’s essence and Channel #5 made him so hard it hurt. How he had missed her presence; the times spent naked in bed, her warmth as he held her, the smell of her skin after ravaging her. 

Lost in fantasy, John realized he had been rubbing the large bulge between his legs. He was never going to finish reading the memo. After deliberating a few seconds, he crossed the room and locked the doors to his office. He removed his belt as he returned to the seat.

John took another drag from the underwear and his thoughts returned to Juliana. The last time he saw her wearing these was the evening he gave them to her—part of an exquisite set of Parisian lingerie. She had looked more ravishing in the white negligee than he’d even imagined; though in truth, the skimpy lace garment had left very little to the imagination. Knowing full well how little time they had together, he had made sure to sear the image of her modeling it for him in his mind. The glow of her skin underneath the lace. The curves of her body. Her swollen breasts nearly burst over the top. The thigh-highs accentuating her legs and particularly her backside. How wet she was for him. The only thing he lusted for more than seeing her in that lingerie again, would be ripping it off of her.

Feeling a bit uncomfortable, John undid his pants, giving him room to grow. He took another drag and his mind wandered further into the memory. Running his hands over her bottom, squeezing it. Letting his fingers slowly trace along the edges of the thong. Splitting the valley between her legs. Feeling just how soaked the fabric had become. The sound of light moans as he teased her.

John had began needing at the thickness underneath his drawers as he recalled Juliana taking him deep into her mouth. The faint squishing as her tongue worked him. Her eyes locking to his as her lips were wrapped around his member. His own hand unsuccessfully attempted to mimic the pressure. She had brought him to the brink, he almost spilled down her throat but instead gave himself a quick reprieve before taking her against the wall and then again on the bed. _The bed._ In the nightstand next to the bed were the accompanying white blindfold and some silk ribbons to go with the lingerie but he hadn’t lasted long enough to use them. He could only imagine how that would have gone.

John's hand slipped under his drawers as he began to fantasize over what could have been...

Her sharp eyes covered by the blindfold; trusting John fully, surrendering to him. Tying her dainty wrists together and then bed with the silk ribbon. How she’d squirm as he teased every crevice of her body. Telling her how naughty she had been, spanking her. His manhood billowed from his pants and he pounded at himself with a fervor. He imagined her screaming in ecstasy, still bound and blindfolded. The feeling of her silky juices all over his hands, face, and loins. Her body arching unable to escape all of the orgasms that he would punish her with.

John knew he was close and deftly retrieved a handkerchief from his drawer with his free hand. His eyes closed and left the office; he was in bed with her now. Juliana was on her knees, taking in his full length. Sparks shot up John’s spine as he imagined thrusting in her. All the pent up pressure began to burst. Euphoria rushed through his body as he unloaded inside her.

John wiped himself off, tossed the handkerchief in the trash, and then tucked his shirt back into his pants. He leaned back in his chair and took in a few deep breaths to clear his head. An image of Juliana holding a baby boy formed in his mind. So small, so innocent. He promised himself he would do whatever was necessary to keep them safe, the newest members of his family.

John sighed and quickly finished reading the memo about an oil embargo that had plagued him all night. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a million for reading and hopefully enjoying 😉! Much love to those who’ve left kudos! xoxo. 
> 
> Thoughts so far? 
> 
> The baby is coming and there are quite a few plot lines that will be wrapping up in the next few chapters, so stay tuned and buckle up👀


	37. Little Wonders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baby is finally coming😉

“Let it go,  
Let it roll right off your shoulder.  
Don't you know,  
The hardest part is over?  
Let it in-  
Let your clarity define you  
In the end.  
We will only just remember how it feels...  
  
Our lives are made,  
In these small hours,  
These little wonders,  
These twists and turns of fate.  
Time falls away,  
But these small hours,  
These small hours still remain...  
  
Let it slide,  
Let your troubles fall behind you.  
Let it shine,  
Until you feel it all around you.  
And I don't mind-  
If it's me you need to turn to,  
We'll get by,  
It's the heart that really matters in the end...  
  
All of my regret  
Will wash away some how.  
But I can not forget,  
The way I feel right now...  
  


     -Rob Thomas “Little Wonders”

* * *

 

Dr. Ryan paced in the waiting room by himself, wearing a path where he repeatedly strode back and forth. 

Finally, the door opened and a short, balding man emerged, wearing a long white coat. He appeared overburdened and busy, serving to further concern Ryan as he quickly approached him.

“Daniel,” he said, extending his arm to shake Dr. Ryan’s hand, “it’s been awhile. I must admit I was surprised when my assistant told me you were here.”

“Luis, yes it’s been too long hasn’t it?” Daniel responded, his body betraying him as his apprehension was immediately evident in his voice and demeanor. 

“Well what brings you today? I’m assuming something of importance,” the doctor said, raising a quizzical eyebrow.

Ryan cleared his throat. “Yes, extremely. Is there someplace we can speak privately. I’m afraid it’s a rather sensitive matter.”

“Actually, I’m about finished up here. I can come in early tomorrow to do the rest. Let’s head to my office.”

Ryan nodded and followed him. Though he’d run the conversation over in his mind countless times, he still felt uneasy. Then, as if Dr. Luis Weber had read his mind, he gestured toward his liquor set. “Whiskey or scotch?”

Both, Ryan thought. He hadn’t drank since his wife died, but today he needed liquid courage more than ever. Just why he had ever allowed himself to be seduced by Helen Smith he would never know. 

“A scotch would be perfect, thanks.”

Ryan downed it in one gulp and winced as it burned his throat. “Luis, I’m not sure if it’s possible, but I need to ask a substantial favor of you.” Ryan rolled the empty glass between his hands then set it on the table. 

“I’m listening.”

“I have a client, a high profile client, who needs to have his daughters’ bloodwork results...altered. Would that be something you could do?”

Luis sighed and took a long sip of his drink, looking at Ryan over the rim. “Who is this client?”

“If it’s not something you can do, I’d rather not disclose that and we can both just walk away from this conversation.”

“Daniel, who it is will make a difference. I need to know.”

Ryan looked away and took a deep breath in deliberation. His eyes snapped back and stared coldly at his colleague. “John Smith.”

Weber choked on his drink and stifled a cough. “You mean, Reichsmarschall Smith?”

“Yes.”

“I’m touched that you place such faith in me Daniel,” he chuckled softly, “but I can’t offer you any assurance that I’m capable of that as an obstetrician. I have a connection in genetics, but it’s strained, so I’d have to offer some type of collateral.”

Daniel took off his glasses and looked him in the eyes desperately. “I don’t know how to thank you, truly.”

“Don’t thank me yet.”

“Anything you need, just tell me.”

Weber leaned back in his leather swayback chair and crossed his arms. “I know I don’t need to remind you of this, but what you’re asking...it’s tantamount to high treason. I have to think about my family Daniel.”

“Of course, yes. Luis if you don’t think you can do this, let me know now.”

“I’ll speak with my connection tonight or tomorrow and get back to you.”

Ryan walked over to shake to his hand. “Thank you.”

He opened the office door and turned to go when Weber called his name.

“Oh and Daniel,” Weber said, his mouth curved in a telling grin, “I hope she was worth this.”

Ryan glanced down at the floor a moment, his hand still on the door handle, before retreating to Weber’s face. He slowly nodded, his eyes clenched shut and lips pursed, then turned and walked out.  
  


*****

 

The streets of San Francisco were eerily empty, as Juliana was walking towards her apartment. The road was thick with fog in every direction. Suddenly, she heard footsteps stomping behind her; SS or Kempeitai she wasn’t sure, she just knew she had to run. 

She sprinted from one block to the next but they were all the same, she couldn’t get home. The men in black were closer now, nearly at her heels. In a panic, she dashed to her left down an alley and stopped just short of crashing into a woman standing in her path. Her heart was in her throat as the blurred figure became clearer and she realized it was Trudy.

“I have something for you,” she said in a haunting voice.  

“What is it?” Juliana replied.

“A way out.”

The world spun and the ground shook. Juliana bent over as if she had been struck with vertigo and suddenly she was nowhere; an endless sea of sand. She couldn’t tell where the pale earth ended and the overcast sky began; the only thing discernible in sight was a small leafless tree. Juliana’s white kimono fluttered as the wind gusted from nearly every direction as she walked to the tree and knelt down instinctively. The jaggy tree seemed nearly petrified with markings etched into the surrounding ground. The crunch of footsteps approached behind her but she was not in fear.  

“Ms. Crain, good to see you again,” said Tagomi.

Juliana stood up, turned to him and bowed politely.  “And you as well.”

Tagomi dropped to his knees and closed his eyes. The world shuddered around her and they were back in San Francisco. The day was bright and the sun warmed her cheeks just like when she was a child. As she looked around she felt alien. Gone were the Japanese kanji that littered the buildings, instead there was propaganda, American propaganda.  Monstrous displays of people and things and words, recommending various items. Everything seemed brighter and somehow even more chaotic but the energy felt like freedom.

Tagomi blinked again and this time they were in a modest house. John, Helen, and Thomas were at the dinner table laughing. Although John and Helen appeared to be the same age, they seemed less weathered by the stresses of the world. Genuinely happy, almost carefree.

Tagomi led Juliana through the house and out the front entrance. She immediately noticed the American flag hanging proudly from a poll next to the door. Tagomi looked down the street. Darkness seemed to swallow up the intersection and fire began spewing out. A column of Nazi soldiers marched from the fires and dragged the inferno with them. The fires spread torching each house they walked by.

As they drew closer Juliana noticed that the column was led by Himmler himself. Joe and Nicole Dormer followed behind him, both completely naked and Nicole was heavy with child. Juliana wanted to run but Tagomi looked up at her; suddenly she understood where they were—what he was showing her. 

Tagomi closed his eyes again and they were back in the ether. Everything was serene and still until suddenly she heard the stomping.  Appearing from a distance were the Nazi soldiers, closing in on them.

A crack pierced through the air and Tagomi’s chest turned red with blood. She grabbed him and held him up. He mumbled something indecipherable to her. “Tell me, tell me!” she cried but it was no use. He was dead. His body became lifeless and heavy and she let it fall to the ground...revealing Joe mere feet away with his pistol aimed towards her.

The pistol fired another shot.

 

*****

Juliana’s heart pounded hysterically. Her eyes sprung open and she quickly sat up on her elbows. If it had been a nightmare, why did her hands still feel wet from Tagomi’s blood?

It was 2:30 a.m. She reached over to turn on the lamp, her chest heaving erratically. Her hands were wet indeed, but not with blood. A glance at the bedclothes revealed a large damp spot. She felt between her legs and discovered the source. Her water must have broken, she reasoned. She clenched her eyes shut as a sudden tightening engulfed her abdomen. It felt like the worse menstrual cramp she’d ever endured; she doubled forward and bit her bottom lip. A contraction, she thought vaguely as the wave of pain began to subside and her reasoning returned.   
  
Joe was in Berlin and she had no expectation of his return for at least a month. Other than the logistics of him driving her to and from the hospital, she was grateful for his absence. Her mind and body were still racing from the foreboding nightmare she’d just suffered. Juliana was more certain than ever that he was not to be trusted—in any capacity.

Lucy had recently been placed on bed rest due to some minor pregnancy complications so she couldn’t call her. She would have to see if a neighbor could drive her to the hospital, it was too far for her to walk.

Oh how she wished John could be there with her right now! He would hold her hand and whisper reassuringly in her ear, comfort her, tell her everything would be alright. Somehow, she posited, this would all be easier if only he was by her side. Not that Juliana had had any hope of him being around when the baby was born, but she’d still allowed herself to vaguely nurture the fantasy that he might accompany Helen and the girls in the event they came to visit her at the hospital. Surely he’d find an excuse to tag along? Perhaps not, she huffed, jolting herself back to reality.   
  
Her thoughts were abruptly hijacked as she felt the intense tightening and pain inundate her once again. This time it lasted a bit longer and was definitely more intense. Maybe the labor had started during her sleep? She couldn’t be sure; regardless, the baby was coming and coming soon. Juliana didn’t have the luxury of time at this point.   
  


*****  
  


“Mrs. Blake would you like an epidural?

The nurse’s advice barely registered in her brain as Juliana’s hands fiercely gripped the bed sheet to get through the next contraction and she let out a loud moan. She shook her head repeatedly, unable to vocalize. Her last ultrasound had shown a healthy baby with healthy bloodwork. The last thing she wanted to do was risk any negative side effects or damage to the baby. No, she would bear it and wouldn’t take any of their Nazi medicine. God only knew what could be in it.   
  
“It will help ease the pain. I highly recommend it ma’am.”

“No. I’ll be fine,” she snapped.

“Suit yourself. You’re only six centimeters dilated. We have to get to ten before it’s time to push.”

Juliana vigorously nodded her response with her jaw clenched and eyes clamped. The orderly ran a damp, cool cloth across her forehead as the nurse walked out. 

“You’re doing great. Just remember to keep up with the good breathing. When you’re having a strong contraction, some women say it helps to find something in the room to focus on,” the girl said shyly once they were alone.”

Juliana mustered a small smile. “Thank you. I’ll try that.”

The girl continued her work, propping two pillows underneath her legs. “I heard your husband is in the SS. Is he on his way?”

She couldn’t be much over 20 years old, Juliana surmised. Her brown eyes were soft and kind; her blonde hair was swept back in a neat bun. Juliana was grateful to encounter someone with a gentler manner. She shook her head. “No. He’s out of town.”

The girl’s pity was written clearly on her face and Juliana knew she was eager to ask more questions, but her manners kept her quiet and she proceeded to busy herself with several menial tasks before working up the courage to speak again.   
  
“Is there anyone you’d like me to call, Mrs. Blake? Family member? Friend?”

Juliana lightly chuckled. “My family lives in the Pacific States and I’m new to New York so I don’t”....Juliana sucked in a breath as another contraction took her. The girl offered her a hand to squeeze; Juliana grunted and attempted the breathing technique which she’d been shown. Finally, the pain lessened.

“They’re getting much closer, it shouldn’t be too much longer,” the girl offered reassuringly.

Juliana glanced at her name badge; Lara was her name. She seemed so angelic. Not much seemed to be working in her favor but this girl was a godsend. Her mannerisms and optimism were so similar to Trudy and Juliana suddenly felt a wave of emotions sweep through her. 

“Everything alright Mrs. Blake?” Lara asked, immediately recognizing her change in mood. 

Juliana blinked the tears away and took a deep breath. “You can call me Juliana, and yes, everything’s fine. You just remind me of someone I loved very much.”

“Loved?”

“She died last year. My sister.”

The girl looked down and shook her head slowly. “I’m so sorry. I have a sister too. I can only imagine how hard that was.”

The door loudly opened and the doctor walked in before Juliana could respond. He snapped on a pair of gloves and proceeded to check Juliana’s progress as rolled the stool to the foot of the bed and lifted the sheet.

“Mrs. Blake, I’m just going to check your progress.”

Juliana winced as he probed at her ungracefully with his pudgy fingers to examine her degree of dialation. She let out a primitive yelp and he jumped in surprise. 

“Dr. Weber, would you like me to page the nurse and ready the tools?” Lara asked.

He nodded, then dropped the sheet to look directly at Juliana. “Mrs. Blake, I wish that you’d opted for the epidural. With your pelvic...discrepancies, I’m afraid this is going to be an extraordinarily painful delivery for you. And it’s too late at this point to conduct any measures of pain relief.”

“I understand,” she said firmly, though she was beginning to think perhaps she’d been too rash in dismissing the nurse earlier.

No going back now, she thought distantly; her pain was unrelenting at this point...surrounding her entire being. She dimly registered the shuffle of nurses who were filing into the room, gathering supplies, exchanging information with Dr. Weber. Why did their faces look so concerned? Was something wrong? Juliana was so close to holding her precious baby that she had lovingly bonded with over the last nine months. All she wanted was for everything to be okay...couldn’t she have this one thing go right for her?

This baby would belong to her. No one had ever completely belonged to her. She was almost there....all the pain, all the sacrifices, she knew it would all be worth it once her baby was in her arms. 

“Stay with it, stay with it, push push!” she heard murmured voices instructing her. Juliana let out a scream so loud that it broke the heavy fog which had been encircling her...suddenly her scream faded and mingled with the unmistakable high-pitched scream of a newborn. The cry pierced the room. The only singular thought she had was: that’s my sweet baby. That’s my baby’s cry. She collapsed backward on the bed and closed her eyes in exhaustion, a smile on her lips.   
  
Minutes later, Lara brought the baby over to her, wrapped snugly in a receiving blanket wearing a blue knit cap. 

“Would you like to hold your beautiful baby boy?” she asked the new mother, grinning ear to ear.  
  


*****

 

Had he knocked at the door or just quietly walked in? She couldn’t be sure. All she knew is that the backside of his index finger was softly grazing her cheek when she slowly opened her heavy eyelids and focused on the figure peering down at her face.

“What are you doing here?” Juliana asked quietly, weakly bringing her hand up to her cheek to cover his. He was here. An overwhelming peace filled her entire being. 

“Lucy called me. Apparently one of the nurses called her because she was listed as an emergency contact. They told her your blood pressure was off the charts and they feared for your life. She called me at my office in a panic and told me to rush to the hospital,” he bent down to brush a soft kiss against her forehead. “You gave me quite a scare, my love,” the last part he whispered into her ear. “I could hear your screams from the waiting area. I wanted to knock down the door to your room and do something. Anything. I felt powerless. Then I couldn’t hear you anymore, it got so quiet until I heard the baby crying. After about an hour, a girl named Lara came out and asked me if I’d like to come see you and the baby. She knew I was a friend of the family and that your husband couldn’t be here,” John said, voice trembling. 

“Ah, well I’m sorry for the trouble,” she softly chuckled, “I had no idea. I think I sort of blacked out there at the end...I don’t really remember much of anything.”

“Helen and the girls are on their way. She had to wait for them to get home from school.”

Juliana nodded and looked about the room till her eyes landed on the clear incubator by the window. John’s eyes followed. 

“The nurse told me the baby is very healthy. Weighs almost eight pounds. She didn’t mention the gender,” he said softly, stroking her hand timidly, as if it would break. It was a rare moment of shyness and she relished it. Why was he always so handsome without even trying? Was there no limit to this man’s hold on her heart? 

Juliana brought his hand to her lips, kissing it several times before flashing him a sweet smile. “It’s a little boy,” she said, voice choking.

Johns eyes instantly locked on hers and welled. The love he exuded in just a glance staggered her. Then, in perfect timing, the baby began stirring and made a few whimpering sounds, as if to remind John and Juliana of its existence. John looked over to the baby, then back to her for a moment, seeking permission before proceeding. 

“Go ahead,” she gestured with a smile, squeezing his hand affectionately. “He has two parents.”

Juliana watched as John walked over to the incubator and peered down at the small form below, very gingerly reaching down to pick him up and tuck him into a cradled position before walking back beside Juliana’s bed.

A flood of emotions overtook John at once. He instantly flashed back to holding Thomas for the first time. The baby opened his eyes and blinked quickly, trying to adjust to the lighting of the room. John ran his finger over his cheek the same way he’d done to Juliana only minutes before. John was filled with an indescribable need to do everything differently with this baby. He had failed Thomas and quite possibly his girls, though he was still somewhat hopeful they weren’t beyond repair...but this baby...this baby would be different. By God this one _had_ to be different. He wouldn’t make the same mistake again. He wouldn’t suppress every fatherly instinct and inclination for the empty promises of the Reich.  

Juliana’s heart shook as she watched the two looking at each other. John slipped the small knit cap off his son’s head and smiled. “He has so much hair,” he chuckled, mussing the dark locks a bit with his fingers then smoothing them down again tenderly. 

“Mmm, I know. He’s quite handsome, wouldn’t you say? Like his father.”

“I hope not,” he frowned, “my only wish was for the baby to take after you and—” 

The door opened and Dr. Weber entered, in his typical abrupt fashion. 

“Reichsmarschall,” he said, straightening his posture obediently and appearing much surprised to find him in the room, “Heil Himmler.”

“Heil Himmler.”

“I’m sorry sir. I didn’t realize you were related to Mrs. Blake.”

“Uh, yes, well not related but a close family friend. Her husband and I have a long history in SS together. He’s out of town you see and Mrs. Blake had no family in New York so I wanted to make sure mother and baby were doing well.”

Dr. Weber nodded and both Juliana and John noted his glances. For all intents and purposes he seemed to buy the story but something told them he wasn’t entirely convinced. 

“Well it was touch and go for awhile there. Glad she had someone here in case there was an emergency. Thanks for coming Reichsmarschall,” he said, seemingly very eager to leave the room. 

“Mrs. Blake I just wanted to stop by to check on you before my shift ends. How are you feeling?”

“Exhausted,” she said, smiling, “but otherwise not too bad. Thank you.”

“Good to hear. Take care of yourself. I’ll see you in my office in a week for a follow up. Has the baby tried to nurse yet?”

Juliana shot a quick glance to John. “Um, no, not yet. Well I tried but...we didn’t have any luck.”

“Nurse Fields is very skilled with that, I’ll send her in to help you out.”

Juliana nodded, “Thank you.”

Dr. Weber nervously saluted John and quickly exited. 

The baby squirmed in John’s arms and started rooting around. John lowered his face down to softly nuzzle his cheeks . “I think he’s hungry. Do you want to try feeding him again?”

John wasn’t ready to relinquish holding him, having no idea when he’d have the chance to do so in the near future, but the baby was clearly in need of something he couldn’t provide.

Juliana held her arms out with a grin. “Sure.” He nestled the baby down against her chest and kissed them each on the forehead. “I’m going to step out to give you two some privacy.”   
  
Not that he wanted to step out. It was the last thing he wanted to do. John wished like anything that he could rightfully claim the baby as his own and take his respective place there beside them. It wasn’t as if Joe was there and he would be interfering. That made the whole situation even more frustrating. 

Just as John opened the door, he practically ran into Helen. “Ah John, everything okay with Juliana and the baby?”

“Hi there, oh yes they are good,” he said, slightly anxiously as he looked back towards Juliana, “I was just coming out to see if you and the girls were here yet.”

Helen wasn’t listening to John very intently as she had proceeded to immediately walk towards the hospital bed.

“Oh Juliana, he’s so beautiful. Congratulations! I’m so sorry Joe isn’t here for all of this. You poor girl, going though labor and delivery surrounded by strangers. Well we’re here now. Anything you need, just name it and we can help.”

“Thank you Helen. That means so much to me.”

Helen peered at the baby for what seemed like an eternity, then a smile spread across her face. 

Jennifer and Amy walked behind their mother, craning their necks to see the babe snuggled up against Juliana. “He’s so adorable!” Jennifer swooned.  

“Who do you think he looks like mom? Julia or Mr. Blake?” Amy asked.

Helen swallowed hard and gave Amy a loving glance. “I think he looks a lot like Thomas as a newborn.”

John looked back at the almost storybook picture from where he still stood at the door. Juliana’s eyes and the girls eyes focused on the baby. Helen’s eyes found his and he mustered a small smile.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it! Thanks for reading and leaving kudos, mwah! 🥰 
> 
> Please do leave a comment if you can as I LOVE to hear your thoughts. Xoxo


	38. House of Cards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Juliana have some things to work out...

Two days later Juliana returned to her apartment, which still didn’t resemble anything close to home, but much better than the frenzied hospital room. Three days after her return, she continued to find herself quite sleep deprived from the baby waking every two hours to eat. Additionally, her pelvic region was remarkably sore, making even the simple task of walking a significant challenge. 

Why had she told Helen not to trouble John about coming over to help assemble the crib when she’d offered? Juliana needed him now more than ever. Nightmares continued to haunt both her sleeping and waking mind—all involving Joe...and she could feel herself slipping into a paranoid depression which seemed unshakable.

Juliana woke up drenched in a cold sweat, heart beating frantically from the disturbing images in her brain. She set the sleeping baby down on the bed and walked shakily toward the shower. The hot water felt heavenly. She stood there woodenly for several minutes and let it rain down on her face. A few minutes turned into five and five turned into ten. It felt so good, she couldn’t bear to pull herself away. Juliana quickly washed her hair and body and shut off the shower. She froze in place when she heard the baby crying and panic instantly set in. Tossing a towel around herself she hastily ran out of the bathroom. 

Much to her surprise, she stopped in her tracks as she rounded the corner and was met with the image of John pacing the floor, attempting to calm the hysterical bundle in his arms, head bent down very close to the baby’s face whispering soothing sentiments. 

“You might’ve warned me you were coming this afternoon, you nearly scared me out of my wits,” she said, half teasing, half serious. 

“I’m sorry to startle you. I had every intention of calling you earlier today, but I was pummeled with meetings. As soon as I could break free I came straight here,” he said, softly stroking her cheek before planting a light kiss on it.

“Shh...shhh,” he said, returning his attention to the baby. “Is he hungry?” he asked. 

Juliana moaned in annoyance, “I honestly don’t know. I tried to feed him thirty minutes ago and he wouldn’t latch. Same thing happened thirty minutes before that.” She settled on the edge of the bed, wringing her hands in frustration. “I’m trying John, I am!” she said, her voice angrier than she meant and clearly tinged with defeat. The floodgates which had been unconsciously put up suddenly and forcefully thrust themselves open and she began sobbing uncontrollably—holding her bent face in her hands.  
  
John sat down beside her, continuing to sway and rock the baby in one arm as he smoothed her hair with his free hand while she cried.

“Shhh, shhh...darling...shhh...you’re doing fine,” he whispered, pulling her into his chest. “Do you know how proud I am of you? Hmm? You’ve been through so much and you haven’t had any help.”

They sat in silence and he just held her as best he could until her sobbing began to abate under his ministrations. John directed her to inhale and exhale deeply several times to calm herself; he slowly wiped her tear stained face with his thumb and gave her a tender smile. Did she know how beautiful she was to him even now, in such a state of distress?  

“It’s just...” she took another deep breath and closed her eyes as she slowly exhaled. “It’s just really hard...all of it. I’m so exhausted I can’t even think straight,” she said, finally raising her head to meet his eyes.   
  
“Babies are tough in the beginning, but the two of you will find your rhythm. Trust me. It will get easier. I know it’s hard to see that now, but it will.”

Juliana nodded hesitantly, wanting to say more but the baby began crying even more vehemently, forcing her to take action. She scooted up to the head of the bed and settled her back against the pillow. John lowered the baby down to her and she pushed her towel down to free her breasts. Modesty was forgotten; motherhood took precedence. For several seconds she attempted to attach him but he rooted around frantically and didn’t properly secure. 

“See. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. This keeps happening and we both end up frustrated. I feel like a horrible mother.” Her eyes began to well again. He delicately lifted her chin and gave her a reassuring look.

 _“Relax._ Your nerves are wrecked. Understandably. He can sense how tense you are. You can do this Juliana.”

Her face wore such a vulnerable expression it nearly broke his heart. John knew she would have a rough go of it but he hadn’t anticipated to this extent. Due to the chaos of wartime life, he had been around for much of Thomas’ infancy and he remembered the challenges Helen had faced with nursing him. As for the girls, his burgeoning career had dictated frequent absences, however Helen had ample support from friends in the community. Women were always having babies in the Reich so the resources were plentiful. 

“I’m not sure how much help I’ll be, but can I try?” he said softly, placing a strong kiss against her lips, then a light one over each of Juliana’s eyes.   
  
She nodded her head as she sniffled. Another time and place would’ve found her at least mildly embarrassed, but under these circumstances she welcomed his support. John’s strong, warm hand carefully cupped the underside of her breast and calmly guided her nipple into the baby’s mouth; he only took the very tip in initially, and Juliana winced in pain, but then with a second attempt John was able to get the entire nipple in. Within seconds the baby began sucking vigorously, with an enthusiasm he could well appreciate. John looked up at Juliana’s face, now softened in an expression of gratitude and he was pleased that he was able to help her in some way, however small.

“There, he’s got it now,” he whispered into her hair.

“Thank you,” she mouthed.

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” she answered, “so much.”

He touched his forehead against hers and they looked down at the baby together, making little satisfied noises as he happily nursed.

“I want to name him Jack,” she said, gazing into John’s eyes optimistically. She finally looked like the hopeful Juliana he loved so dearly. His heart was encouraged.

“It’s perfect. My father would be honored,” he said, tucking her hair behind her ear with a smile. 

“We did make a beautiful baby, didn’t we?”

“Yes we did,” he said and kissed her cheek. “Yes we did,” he repeated quietly with a sigh, lightly stroking his hand over the baby’s head.

  
*****

John spent the better part of two hours assembling the crib. He glanced down at his watch. It was almost 6:00. He’d told Helen that he would be stopping by Juliana’s apartment, but he had a sneaking suspicion that she would turn up at some point, unannounced, to check on them. Her comment in the hospital room had served to remind him of her suspicions and her behaviors since her return from the neutral zone had been unpredictable and rash at best. 

He walked back into the bedroom and found Juliana starting to doze off beside the baby, who was sound asleep on the bed. John wondered if she’d been eating enough. When he’d looked through the refrigerator and pantry earlier he had been concerned with the paltry supply. He’d be damned if he was going to live through this again. Without a second thought, he decided he would go to the market to buy some staples—fresh fruits and vegetables, milk, bread, meat and cheese for sandwiches.   
  


*****  
  


Juliana awoke to the feeling of light kisses being scattered all over her cheeks, forehead, and lips. John encouraged her to sit up and eat. He’d brought a tray full of delicious looking food and carefully placed it beside her on the nightstand.

It felt so good to feel cared for and loved once again; no one could fill her up with love quite like him...love her the way that _he_ loved her. Every time she looked in those green eyes she found that steadfast adoration which nourished her soul. She wished she could live entirely in the moment and nothing more, but despite her best efforts, her happiness was cloaked in anxious melancholy at the thought of his impending departure.

John read her thoughts and sat down beside her, reaching for her hand and stroking it delicately.

“I don’t have to leave just yet,” he said quietly, intermittently pressing her hand into his lips and kissing it. 

He took her empty plate out to the kitchen. As he walked back in the room, he stopped by the newly assembled, beautiful cherrywood crib to peer at the sleeping babe who was lost in peaceful slumber. It seemed so long ago when Thomas was that size. John stood with his hand on the crib rail and stared down at Jack. He thought about how simple life was when the children were so small and innocent. Untouched by war and propaganda. Untainted by malice and lies. The fleeting innocence seemed too cruel a reality to bear and he longed to scoop him up and run away with Juliana to another universe. Just how to do that, he had no idea whatsoever only that he felt completely and utterly compelled.

He looked back at Juliana over his shoulder and she motioned for him to come over. Needing no further invitation, he slipped under the sheets beside her, gingerly pulling her onto him in satisfaction. 

John combed his fingers through her hair and gently trailed paths up and down her arms. This went on for some time until he could feel her body’s rock hard tension begin to slowly lessen with his touch.

In the last few minutes, he’d come to the realization that her silk robe had lifted up when he’d pulled her back onto his lap and he could now feel the heat of her bottom radiating onto his thighs—tempting him senseless. John had been surviving on fantasies for months now and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep away from Juliana’s body. He was finding himself insanely attracted to this new maternal version of her. Slipping curious fingers under the silk barrier, he ever so softly grazed over her belly, then ventured southerly, to the edge of where her panty line would be. Unable to resist the urge...he slid down further to investigate if she was wearing panties. He instinctively bit his lip and softly groaned upon confirming his suspicions—she was indeed quite naked.

“John I can’t—” she said tenderly, her tone a mixture of desire and disappointment.

“No no no love...I know,” he said, leaning down to kiss the crook of her neck reassuringly, already regretting his actions. “I just wanted to feel your smooth skin...to hold you. I couldn’t help myself.”

John wanted her so badly it hurt. He shifted her a bit from where she sat on his lap and tried to think of any turn-off he could to chase his mounting erection away. 

“I wish,” was all she could say, quietly, as she leaned her head back to rest on his shoulder.

“I’ve missed you,” John said, honestly.

And he had. Terribly. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep the charade going; the dance was slowly killing him. 

“Life has really kept us apart these last months...” she sighed and squeezed his hand. “I need you John. I’m scared. First it was the conversation I had with Tagomi. Next it’s been nightmares. That’s what started my labor. I woke up terrified from a nightmare where Joe had killed Tagomi and then took a shot at me right as I woke up. I don’t trust him,” she said, voice shaking. 

He took her hand and stilled it, then brought it up to rest against his cheek. “Have you spoke with him since Jack was born?”

“No. I haven’t heard from him once since he left two weeks ago. Yesterday morning I left a message with the secretary to inform him of the baby’s birth.”

John felt his blood begin to boil. He could break Joe’s neck for not being there for Juliana. Taking a deep breath, he steadied his anger and bit his tongue. It would serve no good to demonize him; the temporary satisfaction it would bring didn’t outweigh the lasting effect his words would have on her and subsequently the baby. The truth was, Joe’s suspicious whereabouts and frequent absences had begun to concern him as well, but he still didn’t have concrete proof of anything.

“You don’t need to worry about him Juliana. I’ve been looking into it. I’m not sure he’s an assassin.”

“Why are you doubting me?” she scoffed, with a distinct edge to her voice.

“I’m not doubting you. But I don’t have any reason to believe Himmler would use one of his precious Lebensborn for such a base purpose. I think he’s groomed him for something grander.”

“Didn’t your people just execute his father who was trying to be something grander? When I met him he was a spy. A Nazi spy. He traveled to places, spied on people, killed people. Did Himmler beat that out of him during his reeducation? He’s probably out hunting Abendsen again on your orders.”

Suddenly the mood in the room had rapidly shifted and they could both feel the growing tension.

“He is a special envoy between Berlin, New York, and San Francisco. His days as undercover operative are long behind him.”

“So he could be in San Francisco murdering Tagomi as we speak? Do you know where he is? Has he made his little obligatory phone call to lay his laurels at your feet? He’s always played up the good little Nazi son for you.”

“I can’t discuss these things with you Juliana, you know that.” He stood up, raking his hands through his hair in frustration. “The last thing I want to do is to hide anything from you, but for everyone’s safety there are things that must go unspoken. I assure you, Tagomi is fine.”  

Juliana shook her head and pursed her lips, clearly unsatisfied with his response. “I never wanted him back John, but you said he and I needed to be together for the safety of the baby. He’s always gone. How are we supposed to be a family if you keep sending him away? If you want to be with Helen, be with Helen-but don’t keep Jack from having some sort of father figure.”

“That really isn’t it.” He sighed heavily and wore his expressionless blank face. “Juliana, our lives are so complicated. I am just trying to keep everyone safe. You know that—better than anybody.”

“Safe? Do you see what kind of world you built here? A world that would convince Thomas to kill himself because he thinks he is a ‘useless eater’ and these people parade it around like a badge of honor. This _...this is_  the safe world you have created for my son?” 

Juliana knew she had taken it too far by bringing up Thomas but she didn’t regret it. His attempts to assuage her fears with meaningless and empty reassurances weren’t working anymore. She needed something real from him. Motherhood had almost instantly made her acutely aware of how much she needed to help make a better world for her new beautiful baby boy. She’d kept herself away from the fire for awhile now, but it was high time she got back in the game.

John kept himself cool on the outside but he was absolutely seething on the inside. He was keenly familiar with the post-natal hormonal mood swings which afflicted women, having been on the receiving end of Helen’s outbursts numerous times. He huffed under his breath. Didn’t she know it was killing him to not be with her and the baby? She had no idea that Joe Blake’s name was just one name on an ever-growing list of people and things which concerned his every waking moment. He shielded her from so much of it for her own protection, but now it seemed to be backfiring.

“Don’t you think if I thought you or Jack were in any kind of danger I would take action?”

He reached for her hand but she didn’t take it, nor did she answer him. 

John closed his eyes and rubbed his temples with his right hand. “I’ve opened up to you more than I have anyone in my entire life, Juliana,” he said quietly, tensely. “And I love you more than I’ve loved any woman.”

She looked across the room, away from his gaze for several long seconds...then snapped back to his eyes, afflicted with a despair which matched her own. “Maybe that isn’t enough anymore.”

Her words had their intended affect and slashed him like a sharp knife. He could take it from anyone but her.

“I have to go,” he said resolutely. John reached down and kissed her forehead. “I’m sorry to leave you this way, but I’m really not sure what else to say.”

"Bye John,” she said flatly, refusing eye contact.   
  
Her voice had never sounded so despondent and loveless. He shivered as he turned and walked away from the bed, never looking back as he shut the door behind him. 

* * *

  
  


 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry!! So they had their first real argument (kind of). Setting things up for the next part of their journey though...it was a necessary evil 😫 Good things are around the corner...love you guys. Thanks for the kudos and comments, always appreciated. Xo


End file.
